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ELSAA

Da protagonist, Homer Simpson.

tl;dr

Da Illiad be uh pimped out SmashFAQs fanfic freestyled by SalsaSavant. It aint nuthin but tha top billin werk o' literature eva n' sheeit. yeea, even betta than Harry Potta n' tha ancient writings transcribed on Captain Falconz nipples.

Book 1: Da Phantom MenaceEdit

Bust uh rap, O goddess, tha anger o' Achillez lil hustla o' Peleus, dat brought countless ills upon tha Achaeans. Many uh funky- brave done did it bust hurryin down ta Hades, n' nuff uh pimp done did it yield uh prey ta dawgs n' vultures, fo' so wuz tha counselz o' Jove fulfilled from tha dizzle on which tha lil hustla o' Atreus, mackdaddy o' s, n' pimped out Achilles, first fell tha fuq up wit one another.

an' which o' tha godz wuz it dat set dem on ta quarrel, biatch? Dat shiznit wuz tha lil hustla o' Jove n' Leto; fo' da thug wuz mad salty wit tha mackdaddy n' busted uh pestilence upon tha host ta plague tha s, cuz tha lil hustla o' Atreus had dishonoured Chryses his thugged-out lil' priest. Now Chryses had come ta tha shipz o' tha Achaeans ta free his in lil' daughter, n' had brought wit his uh pimped out ransom: moreover his thugged-out lil' punk- bore up in his hand tha sceptre o' Apollo wreathed wit uh suppliantz wreaf n' his thugged-out lil' punk- besought tha Achaeans yo, but most o' all tha two lil playaz o' Atreus, whoz wuz dey chizzles.

"Sonz o' Atreus," his schmoooove cried, "an' all other Achaeans, may tha godz whoz dwell up in Olympus grant you ta sack tha hood o' Priam, n' ta reach yo' cribs up in safety; but free mah daughter, n' accept uh ransom fo' her, up in reverence ta Apollo, lil hustla o' Jove."

On dis tha rest o' tha Achaeans wit one voice wuz fo' respectin tha priest n' takin tha ransom dat he offered; but not so Agamemnon, whoz wuz rappin fiercely ta his n' busted his roughly away. "Oldskool ," holla'd he, "let me not find you tarryin bout our ships, nor yet comin hereafter n' sheeit. Yo madness- sceptre o' tha god n' yo' wreaf shall profit you nuttin'. ah'ma not free her n' sheeit. Right back up in yo mutha in . Biatch shall grow oldschool up in mah doggy den at Argos far from her own home, busyin her mutha in wit her loom n' hittin' up mah couch; so go, n' do not provoke me or it shall be tha worse fo' you, biatch."

Da oldschool playa feared his n' obeyed. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Not uh werd da perved-out mutha a wuz rappin yo, but go by tha shore o' tha soundin sea n' prayed apart ta Mackdaddy Apollo whom ghettofab Leto had borne. "Hear me," his schmoooove cried, "O god o' tha silver bow, dat protectest Chryse n' holy Cilla n' rulest Tenedos wit thy might, hear me awww thou o' Sminthe. If ah gots eva decked yo' temple wit garlands, or burned yo' thigh-bones up in fat o' bulls or goats, grant mah prayer, n' let yo' arrows avenge deez mah tears upon tha Danaans."

Thus did he pray, n' Apollo heard his thugged-out lil' prayer n' shiznit yo. came down furious from tha summitz o' Olympus, wit his bow n' his quiver upon his shoulder, n' tha arrows rattled on his back wit tha rage dat trembled within his mutha in yo. sat his dirty down away from tha ships wit uh gangbangin' grill as dark as night, n' his silver bow rang dirtnap as da perved-out mutha a blasted his thugged-out arrow up in tha midst o' dem wild- mutha as. First da perved-out mutha a smote dey mulez n' dey houndz yo, but presently he aimed his shafts all up in tha playas theyselves, n' all dizzle long tha pyrez o' tha dead wuz burning.

fo' nine whole minutes da perved-out mutha a blasted his thugged-out arrows among tha playas yo, but upon tha tenf dizzle Achillez called dem up in embly- moved thereto by Juno, whoz seen tha Achaeans up in dey dirtnap-throes n' had comboner upon dem wild- mutha as. Then, when dey wuz gots together, he rose n' wuz rappin among dem wild- mutha as.

"Son o' Atreus," holla'd he, "ah deem dat we's should now turn rovin home if we's would escape destruction, fo' we's iz bein cut down by war n' pestilence at once. Let our es ax some priest or prophet, or some reader o' trips (fo' dreams, too, iz o' Jove) whoz can tell our es why Phoebus Apollo iz so mad salty, n' say whether it iz fo' some vow dat our madness es gots broken, or hecatomb dat we's aint offered, n' whether da thug will accept tha savour o' lambs n' goats without blemish, so as ta take away tha plague from us."

Wif deez lyrics da perved-out mutha a sat down, n' Calchas lil hustla o' Thestor, wisest o' augurs, whoz knew thangs past present n' ta come, rose ta drop uh rhyme yo. dat shiznit wuz whoz had guided tha Achaeans wit dey fleet ta Ilius, all up in tha prophesyings wit which Phoebus Apollo had inspired his mutha in . Wif all sinceritizzle n' goodwill he addressed dem thus:-

"Achilles, loved o' heaven, you bid mah madness rap bout tha anger o' Mackdaddy Apollo, ah'ma therefore do so; but consider first n' swear dat yo big- booty iz ghon stand by me heartily up in werd n' deed, fo' ah know dat ah shall offend one whoz rulez tha Argives wit might, ta whom all tha Achaeans iz up in subjection. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch fo' realz. uh plain playa cannot stand against tha anger o' uh mackdaddy, whoz if da perved-out mutha a swallow his in lil' displeasure now, will yet nurse revenge till dat schmoooove mutha a has wreaked dat sheeit. Consider, therefore, whether or nahh yo big- booty iz ghon protect mah dirty ."

an' Achillez answered, "Fear not yo, but drop uh rhyme as it iz borne up in upon you from heaven, fo' by Apollo, Calchas, ta whom you pray, n' whose oraclez you reveal ta us, not uh Danaan at our ships shall lay his hand upon you, while ah yet live ta peep upon tha grill o' tha earf- nahh, not though you name Agamemnon his dirty , whoz iz by far tha foremost o' tha Achaeans."

Thereon tha seer wuz rappin boldly. "Da god," da perved-out mutha a holla'd, "iz mad salty neither bout vow nor hecatomb yo, but fo' his thugged-out lil' priestz sake, whom Agamemnon has dishonoured, up in dat da thug would not free his in lil' daughta nor take uh ransom fo' her; therefore has da perved-out mutha a busted deez evils upon us, n' will yet bust others yo. aint gonna serve up tha Danaans from dis pestilence till Agamemnon has restored tha hoe without fee or ransom ta her father, n' has busted uh holy hecatomb ta Chryse. Thus we's may like appease his mutha in ."

Wif deez lyrics da perved-out mutha a sat down, n' Agamemnon rose up in anger n' shiznit yo. His wuz black wit rage, n' his wild lil' in peeps flashed fire as da perved-out mutha a scowled on Calchas n' holla'd, "Seer o' evil, you never yet prophesied smoof thangs concernin me yo, but gots eva loved ta foretell dat which wuz evil. Yo gots brought me neither comfort nor performance; n' now you come seein among Danaans, n' sayin dat Apollo has plagued our es cuz ah would not take uh ransom fo' dis beotch, tha daughta o' Chryses. ah gots set mah on keepin her up in mah own crib, fo' ah gots uh straight-up boner fo' her betta even than mah own hoe Clytemnestra, whose peer she be alike up in form n' feature, up in understandin n' accomplishments, n' you can put dat on yo' toast. Right back up in yo mutha in . Still ah'ma give her up if ah mus', fo' ah would gots tha playas live, not die; but you mus' find mah madness uh prize instead, or ah ridin' solo among tha Argives shall be without one. dis here aint well; fo' you behold, all o' you, dat mah prize iz ta go elsewhither."

an' Achillez answered, "Most noble lil hustla o' Atreus, covetous beyond all mankind, how tha fuq shall tha Achaeans find you another prize, biatch? Our thugged-out es gots nahh common swapmeet from which ta take one. Those we's took from tha ghettos done been awarded; we's cannot disallow tha awardz dat done been made already. Give dis beotch, therefore, ta tha god, n' if eva Jove grants our es ta sack tha hood o' Troy we's will requite you three n' fourfold."

Then Agamemnon holla'd, "Achilles, valiant though you be, you shall not thus outwit mah dirty . Yo shall not overreach n' you shall not persuade mah dirty . iz you ta keep yo' own prize, while ah sit tamely under mah loss n' give up tha hoe at yo' bidding, biatch? Let tha Achaeans find mah madness uh prize up in fair exchange ta mah liking, or ah'ma come n' take yo' own, or dat o' Ajax or o' Ulysses; n' tha pimpin' mutha a ta whomsoever ah may come shall rue mah coming. But o' dis we's will take thought hereafter; fo' tha present, let our es draw uh gangbangin' finger-lickin' dirty- shizzle tha fuq into tha sea, n' find uh cold- lil crew fo' her expressly; let our es put uh hecatomb on board, n' let our es bust Chryseis also; further, let some chizzle playa among our es be up in command, either Ajax, or Idomeneus, or yo , lil hustla o' Peleus, mighty warrior dat yo iz, dat we's may offer sacrifice n' appease tha da anger o' tha god."

Achillez scowled at his n' answered, "Yo iz steeped up in insolence n' lust o' gain. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. Wif what tha fuq can any o' tha Achaeans do yo' bidding, either on foray or up in open fighting, biatch? ah came not warrin here fo' any ill tha Trojans had done mah dirty . ah gots nahh quarrel wit dem wild- mutha as. dey aint raided mah cattle nor mah horses, nor cut down mah harvests on tha rich plainz o' Phthia; fo' between me n' dem dere be uh pimped out space, bof mountain n' soundin sea. Our thugged-out es gots followed you, Insolence biaaatch! fo' yo' pleasure, not ours- ta bust satisfaction from tha Trojans fo' yo' shameless self n' fo' Menelaus. Yo forget dis here, n' threaten ta rob me o' tha prize fo' which ah gots toiled, n' which tha lil playaz o' tha Achaeans gots given mah dirty . Never when tha Achaeans sack any rich hood o' tha Trojans do ah receive so phat uh prize as you do, though it iz mah handz dat do tha betta part o' tha fighting. When tha pluggin comes, yo' share iz far tha phattest, n' ah, forsoof, mus' go back ta mah ships, take what tha fuq ah can git n' be thankful, when mah labour o' fightin iz done. Now, therefore, ah shall go back ta Phthia; it iz ghon be much betta fo' me ta return home wit mah ships, fo' ah'ma not stay here dishonoured ta gather gold n' substizzle fo' you, biatch."

an' Agamemnon answered, "Fly if you will, ah shall make you nahh lyrics ta stay you, biatch. ah gots others here whoz will do me honour, n' above all Jove, tha lord o' counsel. dere iz nahh mackdaddy here so hateful ta me as yo iz, fo' yo iz eva quarrelsome n' ill affected. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! dis here type'uh shiznit happens all tha tyme. What though you be brave, biatch? wuz it not heaven dat made you so, biatch? Go home, then, wit yo' ships n' comrades ta lord it ova tha Myrmidons. ah care neither fo' you nor fo' yo' anger; n' thus will ah do: since Phoebus Apollo iz takin Chryseis from me, ah shall bust her wit mah shizzle n' mah followers yo, but ah shall come ta yo' tent n' take yo' own prize Briseis, dat you may learn how tha fuq much stronger ah be than yo iz, n' dat another may fear ta set his dirty up as equal or comparable wit mah dirty ."

Da lil hustla o' Peleus wuz furious, n' his thugged-out within his shaggy tittie wuz divided whether ta draw his sword, push tha others aside, n' bust uh cap up in tha lil hustla o' Atreus, or ta restrain his dirty n' check his thugged-out anger n' sheeit. While da thug wuz thus up in two minds, n' wuz drawin his madness- mighty sword from its scabbard, Minerva came down from heaven (fo' Juno had busted her up in tha ludd da hoe bore ta dem bof), n' seized tha lil hustla o' Peleus by his yellow fro, visible ta his alone, fo' o' tha others nahh playa could peep her n' shiznit fo' realz. Achillez turned up in amaze, n' by tha fire dat flashed from her peeps at once knew dat dat biiiiatch wuz Minerva. "Why iz you here," holla'd he, "daughta o' aegis-bearin Jove, biatch? ta peep tha pride o' Agamemnon, lil hustla o' Atreus, biatch? Let me rap - n' it shall surely be- da perved-out mutha a shall pay fo' dis insolence wit his wild lil' freakadelic game."

an' Minerva holla'd, "ah come from heaven, if yo big- booty iz ghon hear me, ta bid you stay yo' anger n' sheeit. Juno has busted me, whoz cares fo' bof o' y'all alike. Cease, then, dis brawling, n' do not draw yo' sword; rail at his if you will, n' yo' railin aint gonna be vain, fo' ah rap - n' it shall surely be- dat you shall hereafta receive gifts three times as fly by reason o' dis present insult yo. Hold, therefore, n' obey."

"Goddess," answered Achilles, "however mad salty uh playa may be, he mus' do as you two command his mutha in . dis here iz ghon be bomb, fo' tha godz eva hear tha lyrics o' his whoz has obeyed dem wild- mutha as."

 stayed his hand on tha silver hilt o' his sword, n' thrust it back tha fuq into tha scabbard as Minerva bade his mutha in . Then dat biiiiatch go back ta Olympus among tha other gods, n' ta tha doggy den o' aegis-bearin Jove.

But tha lil hustla o' Peleus ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in in started railin all up in tha lil hustla o' Atreus, fo' da thug wuz still up in uh rage. "colt 45-bibber," his schmoooove cried, "wif tha grill o' uh thugged-out dawg n' tha o' uh hind, you never dare ta go up wit tha host up in fight, nor yet wit our chosen pimps up in ambuscade. Yo shun dis as you do dirtnap itself. Yo had go round n' rob his thugged-out lil' prizes from any playa whoz contradicts you, biatch. Yo devour yo' s, fo' yo iz mackdaddy ova uh gangbangin' feeble folk; otherwise, lil hustla o' Atreus, henceforward you would insult nahh . ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. Therefore, ah say, n' swear it wit uh pimped out oaf- nay, by dis mah sceptre which shalt sprout neither leaf nor blast, nor bud anew from tha dizzle on which it left its parent stem upon tha mountains- fo' tha axe stripped it o' leaf n' bark, n' now tha lil playaz o' tha Achaeans bear it as judges n' guardianz o' tha decreez o' heaven- so surely n' solemnly do ah swear dat hereafta dey shall peep fondly fo' Achillez n' shall not find his mutha in . In tha dizzle o' yo' distress, when yo' pimps fall dyin by tha murderous hand o' Hector, you shall not know how tha fuq ta he`p dem, n' shall rend yo' wit rage fo' tha minute when you offered insult ta tha bravest o' tha Achaeans."

Wif dis tha lil hustla o' Peleus dashed his wild lil' freakadelic gold-bestudded sceptre on tha ground n' took his seat, while tha lil hustla o' Atreus wuz beginnin fiercely from his thugged-out lil' place upon tha other side. Then uprose smoof-tongued Nestor, tha facile speaker o' tha Pylians, n' tha lyrics fell tha fuq from his in lips dopea than honey. Two generationz o' pimps born n' bred up in Pylos had took uh dirt nap under his bangin rule, n' da thug wuz now reignin ova tha third. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Wif all sinceritizzle n' goodwill, therefore, he addressed dem thus:-

"o' uh truf," da perved-out mutha a holla'd, "uh pimped out sorrow has befallen tha Achaean land. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Surely Priam wit his in lil playas would rejoice, n' tha Trojans be glad at if dey could hear dis quarrel between you two, whoz iz so pimpin up in fight n' counsel. ah be olda than either o' you; therefore be guided by mah dirty . Mo'ova ah done been tha familiar playa o' pimps even pimped outa than yo iz, n' dey did not disregard mah counsels. Never ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in can ah behold such pimps as Pirithous n' Dryas shepherd o' his thugged-out lil' s, or as Caeneus, Exadius, godlike Polyphemus, n' Theseus lil hustla o' Aegeus, peer o' tha immortals. deez wuz tha mightiest pimps eva born upon dis earf: mightiest wuz dey, n' when dey fought tha fiercest tribez o' mountain savages dey utterly overthrew dem wild- mutha as. ah came from distant Pylos, n' go bout among dem, fo' dey would gots me come, n' ah fought as dat shiznit wuz up in me ta do. Not uh playa now livin could withstand dem yo, but dey heard mah lyrics, n' wuz persuaded by dem wild- mutha as. Right back up in yo mutha in . So be it also wit yourselves, fo' dis iz tha mo' pimpin way. Therefore, Agamemnon, though you be strong, take not dis hoe away, fo' tha lil playaz o' tha Achaeans gots already given her ta Achilles; n' you, Achilles, strive not further wit tha mackdaddy, fo' nahh playa whoz by tha grace o' Jove wieldz uh sceptre has like honour wit Agamemnon. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. Yo iz strong, n' gotz uh goddess fo' yo' motha; but Agamemnon iz stronger than you, fo' dat schmoooove mutha a has mo' playas under his mutha in . Right back up in yo mutha in . Son o' Atreus, check yo' anger, ah implore you; end dis quarrel wit Achilles, whoz up in tha dizzle o' battle be uh tower o' strengf ta tha Achaeans."

an' Agamemnon answered, " , all dat you gots holla'd iz true yo, but dis fellow mus' needz become our lord n' master: he mus' be lord o' all, mackdaddy o' all, n' captain o' all, n' dis shall hardly be. Granted dat tha godz gots made his uh pimped out warrior, gots dey also given his tha right ta drop uh rhyme wit railing?"

Achillez interrupted his mutha in . "ah should be uh mean coward," his schmoooove cried, "wuz ah ta give up in ta you up in all thangs. Order other playas about, not me, fo' ah shall obey nahh longer n' sheeit. Furthermore ah say- n' lay mah sayin ta yo' heart- ah shall fight neither you nor any playa bout dis beotch, fo' dem dat take wuz dem also dat gave. But o' all else dat be at mah shizzle you shall carry away not uh god damn thang by force. Try, dat others may see; if you do, mah spear shall be reddened wit yo' blood."

When dey had quarrelled thus angrily, dey rose, n' broke up tha embly all up in tha shipz o' tha Achaeans. Da lil hustla o' Peleus go back ta his cold- tents n' ships wit tha lil hustla o' Menoetius n' his company, while Agamemnon drew uh vessel tha fuq into tha wata n' chose uh cold- lil crew o' tweny oarsmen. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch yo. escorted Chryseis on board n' busted moreover uh hecatomb fo' tha god. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! an' Ulysses go as captain.

deez, then, go on board n' sailed dey ways ova tha sea. But tha lil hustla o' Atreus bade tha playas purify theyselves; so dey purified theyselves n' cast dey filf tha fuq into tha sea. Then dey offered hecatombz o' bulls n' goats without blemish on tha sea-shore, n' tha smoke wit tha savour o' dey sacrifice rose curlin up towardz heaven.

Thus did dey busy theyselves all up in tha host. But Agamemnon did not forget tha threat dat dat schmoooove mutha a had made Achilles, n' called his cold- trusty messengers n' squires Talthybius n' Eurybates. "Go," holla'd he, "ta tha tent o' Achilles, lil hustla o' Peleus; take Briseis by tha hand n' brang her hither; if da thug aint gonna give her ah shall come wit others n' take her- which will press his harder."

 charged dem straightly further n' dissed n' dismissed dem, whereon dey go dey way sorrowfully by tha seaside, till dey came ta tha tents n' shipz o' tha Myrmidons. dey found Achillez chillin by his cold- tent n' his ships, n' ill-pleased da thug wuz when his thugged-out lil' punk- beheld dem wild- mutha as. dey stood fearfully n' reverently 'bfoe him, n' never uh werd did dey drop uh rhyme yo, but he knew dem n' holla'd, "Welcome, heralds, messengerz o' godz n'  s; draw near; mah quarrel aint wit you but wit Agamemnon whoz  has busted you fo' tha hoe Briseis. Therefore, Patroclus, brang her n' give her ta dem yo, but let dem be witnesses by tha pimped gods, by mortal  s, n' by tha fiercenizz o' Agamemnonz anger, dat if eva ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in dere be need o' me ta save tha playas from ruin, dey shall seek n' dey shall not find. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Agamemnon iz mad wit rage n' knows not how tha fuq ta peep 'bfoe n' afta dat tha Achaeans may fight by dey ships up in safety."

Patroclus did as his in lil' dear comrade had bidden his mutha in yo. brought Briseis from tha tent n' gave her ova ta tha heralds, whoz took her wit dem ta tha shipz o' tha Achaeans- n' tha biatch wuz lof ta bounce tha fuq out. Then Achillez go all ridin' solo by tha side o' tha hoar sea, weepin n' lookin up upon tha boundless waste o' watas yo. raised his handz up in prayer ta his madness- mutha in immortal motha, "motha," his schmoooove cried, "you bore me doomed ta live but fo' uh lil season; surely Jove, whoz thundaz from Olympus, might gots made dat lil glorious. Well shiiiit, it aint so fo' realz. Agamemnon, lil hustla o' Atreus, has done me dishonour, n' has robbed mah madness o' mah prize by force."

As da perved-out mutha a wuz rappin da thug wept aloud, n' his madness- mutha heard his where dat biiiiatch wuz chillin up in tha depthz o' tha sea hard by tha oldschool playa her daddy n' sheeit. Forthwif she rose as it wuz uh grey mist outta tha waves, sat down 'bfoe his as da perved-out mutha a stood weeping, caressed his wit her hand, n' holla'd, "muh motha in in son, why iz you weeping, biatch? What tha fuq iz it dat grieves yo slick , biatch? Keep it not from me yo, but tell me, dat we's may know it together."

Achillez drew uh thugged-out deep bust uh funky- big- fart n' holla'd, "Yo know it; why rap what tha fuq you know well already, biatch? Us thugs go ta Thebe tha phat hood o' Eetion, sacked it, n' brought hither tha spoil. Da lil playaz o' tha Achaeans shared it duly among theyselves, n' chose ghettofab Chryseis as tha meed o' Agamemnon; but Chryses, priest o' Apollo, came ta tha shipz o' tha Achaeans ta free his in lil' daughter, n' brought wit his uh pimped out ransom: moreover his thugged-out lil' punk- bore up in his hand tha sceptre o' Apollo, wreathed wit uh suppliantz wreaf, n' his thugged-out lil' punk- besought tha Achaeans yo, but most o' all tha two lil playaz o' Atreus whoz wuz dey chizzles.

"On dis tha rest o' tha Achaeans wit one voice wuz fo' respectin tha priest n' takin tha ransom dat he offered; but not so Agamemnon, whoz wuz rappin fiercely ta his n' busted his roughly away. Right back up in yo mutha in . So da thug go back up in anger, n' Apollo, whoz loved his dearly, heard his thugged-out lil' prayer n' sheeit. Then tha god busted uh thugged-out deadly dart upon tha Argives, n' tha playas took uh dirt nap thick on one another, fo' tha arrows go everywhither among tha wide host o' tha Achaeans fo' realz. At last uh seer up in tha fulnizz o' his knowledge declared ta our es tha oraclez o' Apollo, n' ah wuz mah dirty first ta say dat we's should appease his mutha in . Whereon tha lil hustla o' Atreus rose up in anger, n' threatened dat which dat schmoooove mutha a has since done. Da Achaeans iz now takin tha hoe up in uh gangbangin' finger-lickin' dirty- shizzle ta Chryse, n' bustin giftz o' sacrifice ta tha god; but tha heraldz gots just taken from mah tent tha daughta o' Briseus, whom tha Achaeans had awarded ta mah dirty .

"he`p yo' brave son, therefore, if yo be able. Go ta Olympus, n' if you gots eva done his steez up in werd or deed, implore tha aid o' Jove. Ofttimes up in mah fatherz doggy den gots ah heard you glory up in dat you ridin' solo o' tha immortals saved tha lil hustla o' Saturn from ruin, when tha others, wit Juno, Neptune, n' Pallas Minerva would gots put his up in bonds. Dat shiznit wuz you, goddess, whoz served up his by callin ta Olympus tha hundred-handed monsta whom godz page Briareus yo, but pimps Aegaeon, fo' he iz stronger even than his wild lil' father; when therefore tha pimpin' mutha a took his seat all-glorious beside tha lil hustla o' Saturn, tha other godz wuz afraid, n' did not bind his mutha in . Go, then, ta him, remind his o' all dis here, clasp his knees, n' bid his give succour ta tha Trojans. Let tha Achaeans be hemmed up in all up in tha sternz o' dey ships, n' perish on tha sea-shore, dat dey may reap what tha fuq joy dey may o' dey mackdaddy, n' dat Agamemnon may rue his blindnizz up in offerin insult ta tha foremost o' tha Achaeans."

Thetis wept n' answered, "muh motha in in son, woe iz me dat ah should gots borne or suckled you, biatch. Would indeed dat you had lived yo' span free from all sorrow at yo' ships, fo' it be all too brief; alas, dat you should be at once short o' game n' long o' sorrow above yo' peers: woe, therefore, wuz tha minute up in which ah bore you; nevertheless ah'ma git all up in tha snowy heightz o' Olympus, n' tell dis tale ta Jove, if da thug will hear our prayer: meanwhile stay where yo iz wit yo' ships, nurse yo' anger against tha Achaeans, n' hold aloof from fight. fo' Jove go yesterdizzle ta Oceanus, ta uh gangbangin' feast among tha Ethiopians, n' tha other godz go wit his mutha in yo. will return ta Olympus twelve minutes hence; ah'ma then git all up in his madness- mansion paved wit bronze n' will beseech him; nor do ah doubt dat ah shall be able ta persuade his mutha in ."

On dis she left him, still furious all up in tha loss o' her dat had been taken from his mutha in . Meanwhile, Ulysses reached Chryse wit tha hecatomb. When dey had come inside tha harbour dey furled tha sails n' laid dem up in tha shipz hold; dey slackened tha forestays, lowered tha mast tha fuq into its place, n' rowed tha shizzle ta tha place where dey would gots her lie; dere dey cast up dey mooring-stones n' made fast tha hawsers. dey then gots up upon tha sea-shore n' landed tha hecatomb fo' Apollo; Chryseis also left tha ship, n' Ulysses hustled her ta tha altar ta serve up her tha fuq into tha handz o' her daddy n' sheeit. "Chryses," holla'd he, "Mack Agamemnon has busted mah madness ta brang you back yo' child, n' ta offer sacrifice ta Apollo on behalf o' tha Danaans, dat we's may propitiate tha god, whoz has now brought sorrow upon tha Argives."

So sayin he gave tha hoe ova ta her father, whoz received her gladly, n' dey ranged tha holy hecatomb all orderly round tha altar o' tha god. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! dey washed dey handz n' took up tha barley-meal ta sprinkle ova tha suckas, while Chryses lifted up his handz n' prayed aloud on dey behalf. "Hear me," his schmoooove cried, "O god o' tha silver bow, dat protectest Chryse n' holy Cilla, n' rulest Tenedos wit thy might. Even as thou didst hear me aforetime when ah prayed, n' didst press hardly upon tha Achaeans, so hear me yet ag'in, n' stay dis fearful pestilence from tha Danaans."

Thus did he pray, n' Apollo heard his thugged-out lil' prayer n' sheeit. When dey had done prayin n' sprinklin tha barley-meal, dey drew back tha headz o' tha suckas n' capped n' flayed dem wild- mutha as. dey cut up tha thigh-bones, wrapped dem round up in two layerz o' fat, set some piecez o' raw meat on tha top o' dem, n' then Chryses laid dem on tha wood fire n' poured Cristal ova dem, while tha lil' pimps stood near his wit five-pronged spits up in dey hands. When tha thigh-bones wuz burned n' dey had smoked tha inward meats, dey cut tha rest up small, put tha pieces upon tha spits, roasted dem till dey wuz done, n' drew dem off: then, when dey had finished dey werk n' tha feast wuz ready, dey ate it, n' every last mutha in playa had his wild lil' full share, so dat all wuz satisfied. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! As soon as dey had had enough ta smoke n' drink, pages filled tha mixing-bowl wit Cristal n' wata n' handed it round, afta givin every last mutha in playa his in lil' drink-offering.

Thus all dizzle long tha lil' pimps worshipped tha god wit song, hymnin his n' chustlin tha joyous paean, n' tha god took pleasure up in dey voices; but when tha sun go down, n' it came on dark, dey laid theyselves down ta chill by tha stern cablez o' tha ship, n' when tha lil pimp o' morning, rosy-fingered Dawn, rocked up dey ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in set sail fo' tha host o' tha Achaeans fo' realz. Apollo busted dem uh gangbangin' fair wind, so dey raised dey mast n' hoisted dey whitey sails aloft fo' realz. As tha sail bellied wit tha wind tha shizzle flew all up in tha deep blue water, n' tha foam hissed against her bows as her big- booty sped onward. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! When dey reached tha wide-stretchin host o' tha Achaeans, dey drew tha vessel ashore, high n' dry upon tha sands, set her phat props beneaf her, n' go dey ways ta dey own tents n' ships.

But Achillez abode at his ships n' nursed his thugged-out anger n' shiznit yo. go not ta tha honourable embly, n' sallied not forf ta fight yo, but gnawed at his own, pinin fo' battle n' tha war-cry.

Now afta twelve minutes tha immortal godz came back up in uh funky- body ta Olympus, n' Jove hustled tha way. Thetis wuz not unmindful o' tha charge her lil hustla had laid upon her, so she rose from under tha sea n' go all up in pimped out heaven wit early mornin ta Olympus, where she found tha mighty lil hustla o' Saturn chillin all ridin' solo upon its topmost ridges. Right back up in yo mutha in . Biatch sat her mutha in down 'bfoe him, n' wit her left hand seized his knees, while wit her right dat thugged-out biiiatch caught his under tha chin, n' besought him, sayin`-

"Father Jove, if ah eva did you steez up in werd or deed among tha immortals, hear mah prayer, n' do honour ta mah son, whose game iz ta be cut short so early. Mackdaddy Agamemnon has dishonoured his by takin his thugged-out lil' prize n' keepin her n' shiznit yo. Honour his then yo , Olympian lord o' counsel, n' grant victory ta tha Trojans, till tha Achaeans give mah lil hustla his in lil' due n' load his wit riches up in requital."

Jove sat fo' uh while silent, n' without uh werd yo, but Thetis still kept firm hold o' his knees, n' besought his uh second tyme. "Incline yo' head," holla'd she, "an' promise me surely, or else deny me- fo' you gots not uh god damn thang ta fear- dat ah may learn how tha fuq pimped outly you disdain mah dirty ."

At dis Jove wuz much d n' answered, "ah shall gots shiznit if you set me quarrellin wit Juno, fo' dat biiiiatch will provoke me wit her tauntin speeches; even now she be always railin all up in mah grill 'bfoe tha other godz n' accusin me o' givin aid ta tha Trojans. Go back now, lest her big- booty should smoke up. ah'ma consider tha matter, n' will brang it bout as wish. Right back up in yo mutha in . See, ah incline mah head dat you believe mah dirty . dis here iz da most thugged-out solemn dat ah can give ta any god. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! ah never recall mah werd, or deceive, or fail ta do what tha fuq ah say, when ah gots nodded mah head."

As da perved-out mutha a wuz rappin tha lil hustla o' Saturn bowed his in lil' dark brows, n' tha ambrosial locks swayed on his madness- mutha in immortal head, till vast Olympus reeled.

When tha pair had thus laid dey plans, dey parted- Jove ta his crib, while tha goddess quitted tha splendour o' Olympus, n' plunged tha fuq into tha depthz o' tha sea. Da godz rose from dey seats, 'bfoe tha comin o' dey sire. Not one o' dem dared ta remain chillin yo, but all stood up as his schmoooove came among dem wild- mutha as. dere, then, tha pimpin' mutha a took his seat. But Juno, when her big- booty seen him, knew dat he n' tha oldschool mermanz daughter, silver-footed Thetis, had been hatchin mischizzle, so she at once in started ta upbraid his mutha in . "Trickster," dat thugged-out biiiatch cried, "which o' tha godz gots you been takin tha fuq into yo' counsels now, biatch? Yo be always settlin mattas up in secret behind mah back, n' gots never yet holla'd at me, if you could he`p it, one werd o' yo' intentions."

"Juno," replied tha sire o' godz n' s, "you mus' not expect ta be informed o' all mah counsels. Yo iz mah hoe yo, but you would find it hard ta KNOW dem wild- mutha as. When it iz proper fo' you ta hear, dere iz nahh one, god or , whoz iz ghon be holla'd at sooner yo, but when ah mean ta keep uh matta ta mah dirty , you mus' not pry nor ax thangs."

"Dread lil hustla o' Saturn," answered Juno, "what iz you poppin' off about, biatch? ah, biatch? Pry n' ax thangs, biatch? Never n' sheeit. ah let you gots yo' own way up in every last mutha in thang. Right back up in yo mutha in . Still, ah gots uh phat misgivin dat tha oldschool mermanz daughta Thetis has been poppin' off you ova, fo' dat biiiiatch wuz wit you n' had hold o' yo' knees dis self-same morning. ah believe, therefore, dat you done been promisin her ta give glory ta Achilles, n' ta bust uh cap up in much playas all up in tha shipz o' tha Achaeans."

"beotch," holla'd Jove, "ah can do not uh god damn thang but you suspect me n' find it out. Yo will take not uh god damn thang by it, fo' ah shall only dislike you tha mo', n' it will go harder wit you, biatch. Granted dat it be as you say; ah mean ta gots it so; sit tha fuq down n' git freaky wit yo' tongue as ah bid you fo' if ah once begin ta lay mah handz bout you, though all heaven wuz on yo' side it would profit you nuttin'."

On dis Juno wuz frightened, so dat thugged-out biiiatch curbed her stubborn will n' sat down up in silence. But tha heavenly beings wuz disquieted all up in tha doggy den o' Jove, till tha cunnin workman Vulcan in started ta try n' pacify his madness- mutha Juno. "It iz ghon be intolerable," holla'd he, "if you two fall ta wranglin n' settin heaven up in uh uproar on some ounce ta tha bounce o' mortals. If such ill counsels iz ta prevail, we's shall gots nahh pleasure at our banquet. Let me then advise mah motha- n' she mus' her mutha in know dat it iz ghon be bettah- ta make playaz wit mah dear daddy Jove, lest he ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in scold her n' disturb our feast. If tha Olympian Thunderer wants ta hurl our es all from our seats, his schmoooove can do so, fo' he iz far tha strongest, so give his fair lyrics, n' da thug will then soon be up in uh phat humour wit us."

As da perved-out mutha a spoke, tha pimpin' mutha a took uh thugged-out double cup o' nectar, n' placed it up in his madness- motherz hand. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! "Cheer up, mah dear motha," holla'd he, "an' make tha dopest o' dat sheeit. ah gots uh straight-up boner fo' you dearly, n' should be straight-up sorry ta peep you git uh thrashing; however grieved ah might be, ah could not he`p fo' dere iz nahh standin against Jove. Once 'bfoe when ah wuz tryin ta he`p you, his schmoooove caught me by tha foot n' flung me from tha heavenly threshold. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! All dizzle long from morn till eve, wuz ah falling, till at sunset ah came ta ground up in tha island o' Lemnos, n' dere ah lay, wit straight-up lil game left up in me, till tha Sintians came n' tended mah dirty ."

Juno smiled at dis here, n' as her big- booty smiled dat dunkadelic hoe took tha cup from her sonz hands. Then Vulcan drew dope nectar from tha mixing-bowl, n' served it round among tha gods, goin from left ta right; n' tha pimped godz laughed up uh funky- bangin applause as dey seen his in bustlin bout tha heavenly mansion.

Thus all up in tha livelong dizzle ta tha goin down o' tha sun dey feasted, n' every last mutha in one had his wild lil' full share, so dat all wuz satisfied. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Apollo struck his in lyre, n' tha Muses lifted up dey dope voices, callin n' answerin one another n' sheeit. But when tha sunz glorious light had faded, dey go home ta bed, each up in his own abode, which ty Vulcan wit his consummate skill had fashioned fo' dem wild- mutha as. Right back up in yo mutha in . So Jove, tha Olympian Lord o' Thunder, hied his ta tha bed up in which he always slept; n' when dat schmoooove mutha a had gots on ta it da thug go ta chill, wit Juno o' tha golden throne by his side.

Book 2: Attack o' tha ClonesEdit

Now tha other godz n' tha armed warriors on tha plain slept soundly yo, but Jove wuz wakeful, fo' da thug wuz thankin how tha fuq ta do honour ta Achilles, n' ed wit much playas all up in tha shipz o' tha Achaeans. In tha end da ruffneck deemed it would be dopest ta bust uh lyin trip ta Mackdaddy Agamemnon; so his schmoooove called one ta his n' holla'd ta it, "Lyin Dream, git all up in tha shipz o' tha Achaeans, tha fuq into tha tent o' Agamemnon, n' say ta his werd ta werd as ah now bid you, biatch. Tell his ta git tha Achaeans instantly under arms, fo' da perved-out mutha a shall take Troy. dere iz nahh longer divided counsels among tha gods; Juno has brought dem ta her own mind, n' woe betides tha Trojans."

Da trip go when it had heard its message, n' soon reached tha shipz o' tha Achaeans. Well shiiiit, it sought Agamemnon lil hustla o' Atreus n' found his up in his cold- tent, wrapped up in uh profound slumber n' sheeit. Well shiiiit, it hovered ova his head up in tha likenizz o' Nestor, lil hustla o' Neleus, whom Agamemnon honoured above all his councillors, n' holla'd:-

"Yo iz chillin, lil hustla o' Atreus; one whoz has tha welfare o' his host n' so much other care upon his shouldaz should dock his chill yo. Hear me at once, fo' ah come as uh messenger from Jove, who, though his thugged-out lil' punk- be not near, yet takes thought fo' you n' pitizzles you, biatch yo. bidz you git tha Achaeans instantly under arms, fo' you shall take Troy. dere iz nahh longer divided counsels among tha gods; Juno has brought dem ova ta her own mind, n' woe betides tha Trojans all up in tha handz o' Jove. Remember dis here, n' when you wake peep dat it do not escape you, biatch."

Da trip then left him, n' tha pimpin' mutha a thought o' thangs dat wuz, surely not ta be accomplished. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! thought dat on dat same dizzle da thug wuz ta take tha hood o' Priam yo, but he lil knew what tha fuq wuz up in tha mind o' Jove, whoz had nuff another hard-fought fight up in swapmeet alike fo' Danaans n' Trojans. Then presently da thug woke, wit tha divine message still ringin up in his wild lil' in ears; so da perved-out mutha a sat upright, n' put on his soft hoodie so fair n' new, n' ova dis his heavy cloak yo. bound his sandals on ta his comely feet, n' slung his silver-studded sword bout his shoulders; then tha pimpin' mutha a took tha imperishable staff o' his wild lil' father, n' sallied forf ta tha shipz o' tha Achaeans.

Da goddess Dawn now wended her way ta vast Olympus dat she might herald dizzle ta Jove n' ta tha other immortals, n' Agamemnon busted tha criers round ta booty-page tha playas up in embly; so dey called dem n' tha playas gathered thereon. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. But first da perved-out mutha a summoned uh meetin o' tha eldaz all up in tha shizzle o' Nestor mackdaddy o' Pylos, n' when dey wuz embled he laid uh cold- lil cunnin counsel 'bfoe dem wild- mutha as.

"muh motha in in playas," holla'd he, "ah gots had uh thugged-out trip from heaven up in tha dead o' night, n' its grill n' figure resembled none but Nestor's. Well shiiiit, it hovered ova mah head n' holla'd, 'Yo iz chillin, lil hustla o' Atreus; one whoz has tha welfare o' his host n' so much other care upon his shouldaz should dock his chill yo. Hear me at once, fo' ah be uh messenger from Jove, who, though his thugged-out lil' punk- be not near, yet takes thought fo' you n' pitizzles you, biatch yo. bidz you git tha Achaeans instantly under arms, fo' you shall take Troy. dere iz nahh longer divided counsels among tha gods; Juno has brought dem ova ta her own mind, n' woe betides tha Trojans all up in tha handz o' Jove. Remember dis here.' Da trip then vanished n' ah awoke. Let our es now, therefore, arm tha lil playaz o' tha Achaeans. But it iz ghon be well dat ah should first sound dem, n' ta dis end ah'ma tell dem ta fly wit dey ships; but do you others go bout among tha host n' prevent dey bustin so."

 then sat down, n' Nestor tha pimp o' Pylos wit all sinceritizzle n' goodwill addressed dem thus: "muh motha  in  in playas," holla'd he, "princes n' councillorz o' tha Argives, if any other playa o' tha Achaeans had holla'd at our ez o' dis trip we's should gots declared it false, n' would gots had not uh god damn thang ta do wit dat sheeit. But da thug whoz  has peeped it iz tha foremost playa among us; we's mus' therefore set bout gettin tha playas under arms."

Wif dis dat schmoooove mutha a hustled tha way from tha embly, n' tha other sceptred mackdaddys rose wit his up in obedience ta tha werd o' Agamemnon; but tha playas pressed forward ta hear. Shiiit, dis aint nahh joke. dey swarmed like bees dat sally from some hollow cave n' flit up in countless throng among tha sprang flowers, bunched up in knots n' clusters; even so did tha mighty multitude pour from ships n' tents ta tha embly, n' range theyselves upon tha wide-watered shore, while among dem ran Wildfire Rumour, messenger o' Jove, urgin dem eva ta tha fore. Thus dey gathered up in uh pell-mell o' mad mad drama, n' tha earf groaned under tha tramp o' pimps as tha playas sought dey places. Nine heraldz go bustin up like uh biatch bout among dem ta stay dey tumult n' bid dem dig tha mackdaddys, till at last dey wuz gots tha fuq into dey nuff mutha in places n' ceased dey clamour. Shiiit, dis aint nahh joke. Then Mackdaddy Agamemnon rose, holdin his sceptre. dis here wuz tha werk o' Vulcan, whoz gave it ta Jove tha lil hustla o' Saturn, so check it 'bfoe ya wreck it. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. Jove gave it ta Mercury, slayer o' Argus, guide n' guardian. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. Mackdaddy Mercury gave it ta Pelops, tha mighty charioteer, n' Pelops ta Atreus, shepherd o' his thugged-out lil' playas fo' realz. Atreus, when da ruffneck died, left it ta Thyestes, rich up in flocks, n' Thyestes up in his cold- turn left it ta be borne by Agamemnon, dat he might be lord o' all Argos n' o' tha isles. Leaning, then, on his sceptre, he addressed tha Argives.

"muh motha in in playas," da perved-out mutha a holla'd, "heroes, servantz o' Mars, tha hand o' heaven has been laid heavily upon mah dirty . Wack Jove gave me his solemn promise dat ah should sack tha hood o' Priam 'bfoe returnin yo, but dat schmoooove mutha a has played mah madness false, n' iz now biddin me go ingloriously back ta Argos wit tha loss o' much s. Right back up in yo mutha in . Such iz tha will o' Jove, whoz has laid nuff uh proud as uh mutha a hood up in tha dust, as da thug will yet lay others, fo' his thugged-out lil' juice be above all. Well shiiiit, it iz ghon be uh sorry tale hereafta dat uh Achaean host, at once so pimped out n' valiant, battled up in vain against pimps fewer up in number than theyselves; but as yet tha end aint up in sight. Think dat tha Achaeans n' Trojans gots sworn ta uh solemn covenant, n' dat dey gots each been numbered- tha Trojans by tha roll o' dey householders, n' we's by g-unitz o' ten; be thinkin further dat each o' our g-units desired ta git uh Trojan householda ta pour up dey colt 45; we's iz so pimped outly mo' up in number dat full nuff uh cold- lil company would gotta go without its cup-bearer n' sheeit. But dey gots up in tha hood allies from other places, n' it iz deez dat hinder me from bein able ta sack tha rich hood o' Ilius. Nine o' Jove mutha in years iz gone; tha timberz o' our ships gots rotted; dey tacklin iz sound nahh longer n' sheeit. Our wives n' lil ones up in da crib peep anxiously fo' our comin yo, but tha werk dat we's came hither ta do has not been done. Now, therefore, let our es all do as ah say: let our es sail back ta our own land, fo' we's shall not take Troy."

Wif deez lyrics he moved tha heartz o' tha multitude, all kindsa mutha in o' dem as knew not tha cunnin counsel o' Agamemnon. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. dey surged ta n' fro like tha wavez o' tha Icarian Sea, when tha eastside n' downtown windz break from heavenz cloudz ta lash dem; or as when tha westside wind sweeps ova uh gangbangin' field o' corn n' tha ears bow beneaf tha blast, even so wuz dey swayed as dey flew wit bangin cries towardz tha ships, n' tha dust from under dey feet rose heavenward. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! dey hollared each other on ta draw tha ships tha fuq into tha sea; dey cleared tha channels up in front o' dem; dey in started takin away tha stays from underneaf dem, n' tha welkin rang wit dey glad cries, so eager wuz dey ta return.

Then surely tha Argives would gots returned afta uh gangbangin' fashizzle dat wuz not fated. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! dis here type'uh shiznit happens all tha tyme. But Juno holla'd ta Minerva, "Alas, daughta o' aegis-bearin Jove, unweariable, shall tha Argives fly home ta dey own land ova tha broad sea, n' leave Priam n' tha Trojans tha glory o' still keepin Helen, fo' whose sake all kindsa mutha in o' tha Achaeans gots took uh dirt nap at Troy, far from dey cribs, biatch? Go bout at once among tha host, n' drop uh rhyme fairly ta dem, playa by , dat dey draw not dey ships tha fuq into tha sea."

Minerva wuz not slack ta do her bidding. Down her dope darted from tha topmost summitz o' Olympus, n' up in uh moment dat biiiiatch wuz all up in tha shipz o' tha Achaeans. dere she found Ulysses, peer o' Jove up in counsel, standin ridin' solo yo. had not as yet laid uh hand upon his ship, fo' da thug wuz grieved n' sorry; so dat biiiiatch go close up ta his n' holla'd, "Ulysses, noble lil hustla o' Laertes, iz you goin ta flin yourselves tha fuq into yo' ships n' be off home ta yo' own land up in dis way, biatch? Will you leave Priam n' tha Trojans tha glory o' still keepin Helen, fo' whose sake all kindsa mutha in o' tha Achaeans gots took uh dirt nap at Troy, far from dey cribs, biatch? Go bout at once among tha host, n' drop uh rhyme fairly ta dem, playa by , dat dey draw not dey ships tha fuq into tha sea."

Ulysses knew tha voice as dat o' tha goddess: he flung his cloak from his n' set off ta run. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch yo. His servant Eurybates, uh playa o' Ithaca, whoz waited on him, took charge o' tha cloak, whereon Ulysses go straight up ta Agamemnon n' received from his his thugged-out ancestral, imperishable staff. Wif dis da thug go bout among tha shipz o' tha Achaeans.

Whenever he kicked it wit uh mackdaddy or chizzletain, da perved-out mutha a stood by his n' wuz rappin his fairly. " ," holla'd he, "dis here flight iz cowardly n' unworthy. Right back up in yo mutha in . Stand ta yo' post, n' bid yo' playas also keep dey places. Yo do not yet know tha full mind o' Agamemnon; da thug wuz soundin us, n' ere long will visit tha Achaeans wit his in lil' displeasure. Us thugs wuz not all o' our es all up in tha council ta hear what tha fuq tha pimpin' mutha a then holla'd; peep ta it lest his thugged-out lil' punk- be mad salty n' do our es uh mischizzle; fo' tha pride o' mackdaddys iz pimped out, n' tha hand o' Jove iz wit dem wild- mutha as."

But when his schmoooove came across any common playa whoz wuz bustin uh noise, da perved-out mutha a struck his wit his staff n' rebuked him, sayin`, "Sirrah, git freaky wit yo' peace, n' dig betta pimps than yo . Yo be uh cold- lil coward n' nahh soldier; yo iz nahh mutha a either up in fight or council; we's cannot all be mackdaddys; it aint well dat dere should be nuff masters; one playa mus' be supreme- one mackdaddy ta whom tha lil hustla o' schemin Saturn has given tha sceptre o' sovereignty ova y'all."

Thus masterfully did he go bout among tha host, n' tha playas hurried back ta tha council from dey tents n' ships wit uh sound as tha thunder o' surf when it comes crashin down upon tha shore, n' all tha sea iz up in uh uproar.

Da rest now took dey seats n' kept ta dey own nuff mutha in places yo, but Thersites still go on waggin his unbridled tongue- uh playa o' nuff lyrics, n' dem unseemly; uh monger o' sedition, uh raila against all whoz wuz up in authority, whoz cared not what tha fuq da perved-out mutha a holla'd, so dat he might set tha Achaeans up in uh laugh yo. wuz tha ugliest playa o' all dem dat came 'bfoe Troy- bandy-legged, ty o' one foot, wit his cold- two shouldaz rounded n' hunched ova his chest yo. His head ran up ta uh point yo, but dere wuz lil afro on tha top o' it fo' realz. Achillez n' Ulysses hated his most ty o' all, fo' dat shiznit wuz wit dem dat da thug wuz most aint gonna ta wrangle; now, however, wit uh gangbangin' finger-lickin' dirty- shrill squeaky voice his thugged-out lil' punk- in started heapin his thugged-out abuse on Agamemnon. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. Da Achaeans wuz mad salty n' disgusted, yet none tha less he kept on brawlin n' bawlin all up in tha lil hustla o' Atreus.

"Agamemnon," his schmoooove cried, "what ails you now, n' what tha fuq mo' do you wants, biatch? Yo madness- tents iz filled wit bronze n' wit fair dem hoes, fo' whenever we's take uh hood our madness es hit you wit tha pick o' dem wild- mutha as. Would you gots yet mo' gold, which some Trojan iz ta hit you wit as uh ransom fo' his son, when ah or another Achaean has taken his prisoner, biatch? or iz it some lil' hoe ta hide n' lie wif, biatch? It aint well dat you, tha rula o' tha Achaeans, should brang dem tha fuq into such misery. Weaklin cowards, dem hoes than s, let our es sail home, n' leave dis fellow here at Troy ta stew up in his own meedz o' honour, n' discover whether we's waz o' any steez ta his or nahh fo' realz. Achillez be uh much betta playa than he iz, n' peep how tha fuq dat schmoooove mutha a has treated him- robbin his o' his thugged-out lil' prize n' keepin it his dirty fo' realz. Achillez takes it meekly n' shows nahh fight; if da ruffneck did, lil hustla o' Atreus, you would never ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in insult his mutha in ."

Thus railed Thersites yo, but Ulysses at once go up ta his n' rebuked his sternly. "Peep yo' glib tongue, Thersites," holla'd be, "an' babble not uh werd further n' sheeit. Chide not wit princes when you gots none ta back you, biatch. dere iz nahh vila creature come 'bfoe Troy wit tha lil playaz o' Atreus. Drop dis chatta bout mackdaddys, n' neither revile dem nor keep harpin bout goin home. Us s do not yet know how tha fuq thangs iz goin ta be, nor whether tha Achaeans iz ta return wit phat success or evil yo. How tha fuq dare you gibe at Agamemnon cuz tha Danaans gots awarded his all kindsa mutha in prizes, biatch? ah rap , therefore- n' it shall surely be- dat if ah ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in catch you poppin' off such nonsense, ah'ma either forfeit mah own head n' be nahh mo' called daddy o' Telemachus, or ah'ma take you, strip you stark naked, n' whip you outta tha embly till you go blubberin back ta tha ships."

On dis his thugged-out lil' punk- beat his wit his staff bout tha back n' shouldaz till da ruffneck dropped n' fell tha fuq uh-weeping. Da golden sceptre raised uh funky- bloody weal on his back, so da perved-out mutha a sat down frightened n' up in pain, lookin foolish as da thug wiped tha tears from his wild lil' in peeps. Da playas wuz sorry fo' him, yet dey laughed heartily, n' one would turn ta his neighbour sayin`, "Ulysses has done nuff uh phat thang ere now up in fight n' council yo, but he never did tha Argives uh funky- betta turn than when da perved-out mutha a stopped dis fellowz grill from pratin further n' shiznit yo. will give tha mackdaddys nahh mo' o' his madness- mutha in insolence."

Thus holla'd tha s. Then Ulysses rose, sceptre up in hand, n' Minerva up in tha likenizz o' uh herald bade tha playas be still, dat dem playas whoz wuz far off might hear his n' consider his council yo. therefore wit all sinceritizzle n' goodwill addressed dem thus:-

"Mack Agamemnon, tha Achaeans iz fo' makin you uh funky- by-werd among all mankind. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! dey forget tha promise dey made you when dey set up from Argos, dat you should not return till you had sacked tha hood o' Troy, an', like lil pimps or widowed dem hoes, dey murmur n' would set off homeward. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! True it iz dat dey gots had toil enough ta be disheartened. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! uh playa chafes at havin ta stay away from his hoe even fo' uh single monf, when he iz on shipboard, all up in tha mercy o' wind n' sea yo, but it iz now nine long mutha in years dat we's done been kept here; ah cannot, therefore, blame tha Achaeans if dey turn restive; still we's shall be shamed if we's bounce back ta tha doggy den empty afta so long uh stay- therefore, mah playas, be patient yet uh lil longer dat we's may learn whether tha prophesyingz o' Calchas wuz false or true.

"All whoz aint since perished mus' remember as though it wuz yesterdizzle or tha dizzle 'bfoe, how tha fuq tha shipz o' tha Achaeans wuz detained up in Aulis when we's wuz on our way hither ta make war on Priam n' tha Trojans. Us thugs wuz ranged round on some gangbangin' fountain offerin hecatombs ta tha godz upon dey holy altars, n' dere wuz uh gangbangin' fine plane-tree from beneaf which dere welled uh stream o' pure gin n juice n' sheeit. Then we's seen uh prodigy; fo' Jove busted uh gangbangin' fearful serpent outta tha ground, wit blood-red stains upon its back, n' it darted from under tha altar on ta tha plane-tree. Now dere wuz uh funky- brood o' lil' sparrows, like small, upon tha topmost bough, peepin up from under tha leaves, eight up in all, n' dey mutha dat hatched dem made nine. Da serpent ate tha skanky cheepin thangs, while tha oldschool bird flew bout lamentin her lil ones; but tha serpent threw his coils bout her n' caught her by tha win as dat biiiiatch wuz screaming. Then, when dat schmoooove mutha a had smoked bof tha sparrow n' her young, tha god whoz had busted his made his become uh sign; fo' tha lil hustla o' schemin Saturn turned his tha fuq into stone, n' we's stood dere wonderin at dat which had come ta p. Right back up in yo mutha in . Seeing, then, dat such uh gangbangin' fearful portent had ed up in upon our hecatombs, Calchas forthwif declared ta our es tha oraclez o' heaven. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. 'Why, Achaeans,' holla'd he, 'is you thus speechless, biatch? Jove has busted our es dis sign, long up in coming, n' long ere it be fulfilled, though its hype shall last fo' eva n' shiznit fo' realz. As tha serpent ate tha eight fledglings n' tha sparrow dat hatched dem, which make nine, so shall we's fight nine mutha in years at Troy yo, but up in tha tenf shall take tha hood.' dis here wuz what tha fuq da perved-out mutha a holla'd, n' now it be all comin true. Right back up in yo mutha in . Stay here, therefore, all o' you, till we's take tha hood o' Priam."

On dis tha Argives raised uh gangbangin' finger-lickin' dirty- shout, till tha ships rang ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in wit tha uproar. Shiiit, dis aint nahh joke. Nestor, knight o' Gerene, then addressed dem wild- mutha as. "Shame on you," his schmoooove cried, "ta stay poppin' off here like chil'ns, when you should fight like s. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. Where iz our covenants now, n' where tha oaths dat our madness es gots taken, biatch? Shall our counsels be flung tha fuq into tha fire, wit our drink-offerings n' tha right handz o' fellowshizzle wherein our madness es gots put our trust, biatch? Us thugs waste our tyme up in lyrics, n' fo' all our poppin' off here shall be nahh further forward. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Stand, therefore, lil hustla o' Atreus, by yo' own steadfast purpose; lead tha Argives on ta battle, n' leave dis handful o' pimps ta rot, whoz scheme, n' scheme up in vain, ta git back ta Argos ere dey gots hustled whether Jove be legit or uh liar. Shiiit, dis aint nahh joke. fo' tha mighty lil hustla o' Saturn surely promised dat we's should succeed, when we's Argives set sail ta brang dirtnap n' destruction upon tha Trojans yo. flossed our es favourable signs by flashin his in lightnin on our right hands; therefore let none make haste ta go till dat schmoooove mutha a has first lain wit tha hoe o' some Trojan, n' avenged tha toil n' sorrow dat dat schmoooove mutha a has suffered fo' tha sake o' Helen. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. Nevertheless, if any playa iz up in such haste ta be up in da crib ag'in, let his lay his hand ta his shizzle dat he may hook up his in lil' doom up in tha sight o' all. But, O mackdaddy, consider n' give ear ta mah counsel, fo' tha werd dat ah say may not be neglected lightly. Divide yo' s, Agamemnon, tha fuq into dey nuff mutha in tribes n' clans, dat clans n' tribes may stand by n' he`p one another n' sheeit. If you do dis here, n' if tha Achaeans obey you, yo big- booty iz ghon smoke up who, bof chizzlez n' peoples, iz brave, n' whoz iz cowards; fo' dey will vie against tha other n' sheeit. Thus you shall also learn whether it be all up in tha counsel o' heaven or tha cowardice o' playa dat you shall fail ta take tha hood."

an' Agamemnon answered, "Nestor, you gots ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in outdone tha lil playaz o' tha Achaeans up in counsel. Would, by Father Jove, Minerva, n' Apollo, dat ah had among dem ten mo' such councillors, fo' tha hood o' Mackdaddy Priam would then soon fall beneaf our hands, n' we's should sack dat sheeit. But tha lil hustla o' Saturn afflicts me wit bootless wranglings n' strife fo' realz. Achillez n' ah iz quarrellin bout dis beotch, up in which matta ah wuz tha straight-up original gangsta ta offend; if we's can be o' one mind ag'in, tha Trojans aint gonna stave off destruction fo' uh thugged-out day. It make me wanna hollar playa! Now, therefore, git yo' mornin meal, dat our hosts join up in fight. Whet well yo' spears; peep well ta tha orderin o' yo' shields; give phat feedz ta yo' horses, n' peep yo' chariots carefully ova, dat we's may do battle tha livelong day; fo' we's shall gots nahh rest, not fo' uh moment, till night falls ta part us. Da bandz dat bear yo' shieldz shall be wet wit tha sweat upon yo' shoulders, yo' handz shall weary upon yo' spears, yo' horses shall steam up in front o' yo' chariots, n' if ah peep any playa shirkin tha fight, or tryin ta keep outta it all up in tha ships, dere shall be nahh he`p fo' his yo, but da perved-out mutha a shall be uh prey ta dawgs n' vultures."

Thus da perved-out mutha a spoke, n' tha Achaeans roared applause fo' realz. As when tha waves run high 'bfoe tha blast o' tha downtown wind n' break on some lofty headland, dashin against it n' buffetin it without ceasing, as tha storms from every last mutha in quarta cruize dem, even so did tha Achaeans rise n' hurry up in all directions ta dey ships. dere dey lighted dey fires at dey tents n' gots dinner, offerin sacrifice every last mutha in playa ta one or other o' tha gods, n' prayin each one o' dem dat he might live ta come outta tha fight fo' realz. Agamemnon, mackdaddy o' s, sacrificed uh gangbangin' fat five-year-old bull ta tha mighty lil hustla o' Saturn, n' invited tha princes n' eldaz o' his host. First he axed Nestor n' Mackdaddy Idomeneus, then tha two Ajaxes n' tha lil hustla o' Tydeus, n' sixthly Ulysses, peer o' godz up in counsel; but Menelaus came o' his own accord, fo' he knew how tha fuq busy his brutha then wuz. dey stood round tha bull wit tha barley-meal up in dey hands, n' Agamemnon prayed, sayin`, "Jove, most glorious, supreme, dat dwellest up in heaven, n' ridest upon tha storm-cloud, grant dat tha sun may not go down, nor tha night fall, till tha palace o' Priam iz laid low, n' its gates iz consumed wit fire. Grant dat mah sword may pierce tha hoodie o' Hector bout his thugged-out , n' dat full nuff o' his comrades may bite tha dust as dey fall dyin round his mutha in ."

Thus he prayed yo, but tha lil hustla o' Saturn would not fulfil his thugged-out lil' prayer n' shiznit yo. accepted tha sacrifice, yet none tha less increased dey toil continually. When dey had done prayin n' sprinklin tha barley-meal upon tha victim, dey drew back its head, capped it, n' then flayed dat sheeit. dey cut up tha thigh-bones, wrapped dem round up in two layerz o' fat, n' set piecez o' raw meat on tha top o' dem wild- mutha as. deez dey burned upon tha split logz o' firewood yo, but dey spitted tha inward meats, n' held dem up in tha flames ta cook. When tha thigh-bones wuz burned, n' dey had smoked tha inward meats, dey cut tha rest up small, put tha pieces upon spits, roasted dem till dey wuz done, n' drew dem off; then, when dey had finished dey werk n' tha feast wuz ready, dey ate it, n' every last mutha in playa had his wild lil' full share, so dat all wuz satisfied. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! As soon as dey had had enough ta smoke n' drink, Nestor, knight o' Gerene, in started ta speak. "Mack Agamemnon," holla'd he, "let our es not stay poppin' off here, nor be slack up in tha werk dat heaven has put tha fuq into our hands. Let tha heraldz summon tha playas ta gather at dey nuff mutha in ships; we's will then go bout among tha host, dat we's may begin fightin at once."

Thus did da perved-out mutha a speak, n' Agamemnon heeded his in lyrics yo. at once busted tha criers round ta booty-page tha playas up in embly. Right back up in yo mutha in . So dey called dem, n' tha playas gathered thereon. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. Da chizzlez bout tha lil hustla o' Atreus chose dey pimps n' marshalled dem, while Minerva go among dem holdin her priceless aegis dat knows neither age nor dirtnap. From it dere waved uh hundred telz o' pure gold, all deftly woven, n' each one o' dem worf uh hundred oxen. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. Wif dis her dope darted furiously everywhere among tha hostz o' tha Achaeans, urgin dem forward, n' puttin courage tha fuq into tha o' each, so dat he might fight n' do battle without ceasing. Thus war became dopea up in dey peeps even than returnin home up in dey ships fo' realz. As when some pimped out forest fire iz ragin upon uh mountain top n' its light iz peeped afar, even so as dey marched tha gleam o' dey armour flashed up tha fuq into tha firmament o' heaven.

dey wuz like pimped out flockz o' geese, or cranes, or swans on tha plain bout tha wataz o' Cayster, dat win dey way hither n' thither, gloryin up in tha pride o' flight, n' bustin up like uh biatch as dey settle till tha fen iz kickin it wit dey screaming. Even thus did dey tribes pour from ships n' tents on ta tha plain o' tha Scamander, n' tha ground rang as br under tha feet o' pimps n' horses. dey stood as thick upon tha flower-bespangled field as leaves dat bloom up in summer.

As countless swarmz o' flies buzz round uh herdsmanz cribstead up in tha tyme o' sprang when tha pails iz drenched wit milk, even so did tha Achaeans swarm on ta tha plain ta charge tha Trojans n' fuq wit dem wild- mutha as.

Da chizzlez disposed dey pimps dis way n' dat 'bfoe tha fight in started, draftin dem up as easily as goatherdz draft dey flocks when dey gots gots mixed while feeding; n' among dem go Mackdaddy Agamemnon, wit uh head n' grill like Jove tha lord o' thunder, uh waist like Mars, n' uh cold- lil chest like dat o' Neptune fo' realz. As some pimped out bull dat lordz it ova tha herdz upon tha plain, even so did Jove make tha lil hustla o' Atreus stand peerless among tha multitude o' heroes.

an' now, O Muses, dwellaz up in tha mansionz o' Olympus, tell me- fo' yo iz goddesses n' iz up in all places so dat you peep all thangs, while we's know not uh god damn thang but by report- whoz wuz tha chizzlez n' princez o' tha Danaans, biatch? As fo' tha common soldiers, dey wuz so dat ah could not name every last mutha in single one o' dem though ah had ten tongues, n' though mah voice failed not n' mah waz o' bronze within me, unless you, O Olympian Muses, daughtaz o' aegis-bearin Jove, wuz ta recount dem ta mah dirty . Nevertheless, ah'ma tell tha captainz o' tha ships n' all tha fleet together.

Peneleos, Leitus, Arcesilaus, Prothoenor, n' Clonius wuz captainz o' tha Boeotians. deez wuz dey dat dwelt up in Hyria n' rocky Aulis, n' whoz held Schoenus, Scolus, n' tha highlandz o' Eteonus, wit Thespeia, Graia, n' tha fair hood o' Mycalessus. dey also held Harma, Eilesium, n' Erythrae; n' dey had Eleon, Hyle, n' Peteon; Ocalea n' tha phat fortress o' Medeon; Copae, Eutresis, n' Thisbe tha haunt o' doves; Coronea, n' tha pasturez o' Haliartus; Plataea n' Glisas; tha fortress o' Thebes tha less; holy Onchestus wit its hyped grove o' Neptune; Arne rich up in vineyards; Midea, sacred Nisa, n' Anthedon upon tha sea. From deez dere came fiddy ships, n' up in each dere wuz uh hundred n' tweny lil' pimpz o' tha Boeotians.

Ascalaphus n' Ialmenus, lil playaz o' Mars, hustled tha playas dat dwelt up in Aspledon n' Orchomenus tha realm o' Minyas fo' realz. Astyoche uh noble maiden bore dem up in tha doggy den o' Playa lil hustla o' Azeus; fo' dat freaky freaky biatch had gone wit Mars secretly tha fuq into uh upper chamber, n' dat schmoooove mutha a had lain wit her n' sheeit. Wif deez dere came thiddy ships.

Da Phoceans wuz hustled by Schedius n' Epistrophus, lil playaz o' mighty Iphitus tha lil hustla o' Naubolus. deez wuz dey dat held Cyparissus, rocky Pytho, holy Crisa, Daulis, n' Panopeus; dey also dat dwelt up in Anemorea n' Hyampolis, n' bout tha wataz o' tha river Cephissus, n' Lilaea by tha springz o' tha Cephissus; wit dey chizzletains came forty ships, n' dey marshalled tha forcez o' tha Phoceans, which wuz stationed next ta tha Boeotians, on dey left.

Ajax, tha fleet lil hustla o' Oileus, commanded tha Locrians yo. wuz not so pimped out, nor nearly so pimped out, as Ajax tha lil hustla o' Telamon. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch yo. wuz uh lil, n' his breastplate wuz made o' linen yo, but up in use o' tha spear he excelled all tha Hellenes n' tha Achaeans. deez dwelt up in Cynus, Opous, Calliarus, Bessa, Scarphe, fair Augeae, Tarphe, n' Thronium bout tha river Boagrius. Wif his dere came forty shipz o' tha Locrians whoz dwell beyond Euboea.

Da fierce Abantes held Euboea wit its ghettos, Chalcis, Eretria, Histiaea rich up in vines, Cerinthus upon tha sea, n' tha rock-perched hood o' Dium; wit dem wuz also tha pimpz o' Carystus n' Styra; Elephenor o' tha race o' Mars wuz up in command o' deez; da thug wuz lil hustla o' Chalcodon, n' chizzle ova all tha Abantes. Wif his dey came, fleet o' foot n' bustin dey afro long behind, brave warriors, whoz would eva strive ta tear open tha corsletz o' dey foes wit dey long ashen spears. o' deez dere came fiddy ships.

an' dey dat held tha phat hood o' Athens, tha playaz o' pimped out Erechtheus, whoz started doin thangz o' tha soil itself yo, but Jovez daughter, Minerva, fostered him, n' established his at Athens up in her own rich sanctuary. dere, year by year, tha Athenian youths worshizzle his wit sacrificez o' bulls n' rams. Boy it's gettin hot, yeea indeed it iz. deez wuz commanded by Menestheus, lil hustla o' Peteos. nahh playa livin could equal his up in tha marshallin o' chariots n' foot soldiers. Nestor could ridin' solo rival him, fo' da thug wuz olda n' sheeit. Wif his dere came fiddy ships.

Ajax brought twelve ships from Salamis, n' stationed dem alongside dem o' tha Athenians.

Da pimpz o' Argos, ag'in, n' dem playas whoz held tha wallz o' Tiryns, wit Hermione, n' Asine upon tha gulf; Troezene, Eionae, n' tha vineyard landz o' Epidaurus; tha Achaean youths, moreover, whoz came from Aegina n' Mases; deez wuz hustled by Diomed o' tha bangin battle-cry, n' Sthenelus lil hustla o' famed Capaneus. Wif dem up in command wuz Euryalus, lil hustla o' mackdaddy Mecisteus, lil hustla o' Talaus; but Diomed wuz chizzle ova dem all. Wif deez dere came eighty ships.

Those whoz held tha phat hood o' Mycenae, rich Corinf n' Cleonae; Orneae, Araethyrea, n' Licyon, where Adrastus reigned o' old; Hyperesia, high Gonoessa, n' Pellene; Aegium n' all tha coast-land round bout Helice; deez busted uh hundred ships under tha command o' Mackdaddy Agamemnon, lil hustla o' Atreus yo. His force wuz far bof finest n' most uh load o', n' up in dey midst wuz tha mackdaddy his dirty, all glorious up in his thugged-out armour o' gleamin bronze- foremost among tha heroes, fo' da thug wuz tha top billin mackdaddy, n' had most pimps under his mutha in .

an' dem dat dwelt up in Lacedaemon, lyin low among tha hills, Pharis, Sparta, wit Messe tha haunt o' doves; Bryseae, Augeae, Amyclae, n' Helos upon tha sea; Laas, moreover, n' Oetylus; deez wuz hustled by Menelauz o' tha bangin battle-cry, brutha ta Agamemnon, n' o' dem dere wuz siddy ships, drawn up apart from tha others fo' realz. Among dem go Menelaus his dirty, phat up in zeal, urgin his madness- pimps ta fight; fo' he longed ta avenge tha toil n' sorrow dat dat schmoooove mutha a had suffered fo' tha sake o' Helen.

Da pimpz o' Pylos n' Arene, n' Thryum where iz tha ford o' tha river Alpheus; phat Aipy, Cyparisseis, n' Amphigenea; Pteleum, Helos, n' Dorium, where tha Muses kicked it wit Thamyris, n' stilled his madness- minstrelsy fo' eva n' shiznit yo. wuz returnin from Oechalia, where Eurytus lived n' reigned, n' boasted dat da thug would surp even tha Muses, daughtaz o' aegis-bearin Jove, if dey should rap against him; whereon dey wuz mad salty, n' maimed his mutha in . dey robbed his o' his in lil' divine juice o' song, n' thenceforf his schmoooove could strike tha lyre nahh mo' n' mo' n' mo'. deez wuz commanded by Nestor, knight o' Gerene, n' wit his dere came nindy ships.

an' dem dat held Arcadia, under tha high mountain o' Cyllene, near tha tomb o' Aepytus, where tha playas fight hand ta hand; tha pimpz o' Pheneus also, n' Orchomenus rich up in flocks; o' Rhipae, Stratie, n' bleak Enispe; o' Tegea n' fair Mantinea; o' Stymphelus n' Parrhasia; o' deez Mackdaddy Agapenor lil hustla o' Ancaeus wuz commander, n' dey had siddy ships. Many Arcadians, phat soldiers, came up in each one o' dem yo, but Agamemnon found dem tha ships up in which ta cross tha sea, fo' dey wuz not uh playas dat occupied dey bidnizz upon tha waters.

Da s, moreover, o' Buprasium n' o' Elis, so much o' it as iz enclosed between Hyrmine, Myrsinus upon tha sea-shore, tha rock Olene n' Alesium. deez had four leaders, n' each o' dem had ten ships, wit nuff Epeans on board. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! they captains wuz Amphimachus n' Thalpius- tha one, lil hustla o' Cteatus, n' tha other, o' Eurytus- bof o' tha race o' Playa. Da two others wuz Diores, lil hustla o' Amarynces, n' Polyxenus, lil hustla o' Mackdaddy Agasthenes, lil hustla o' Augeas.

an' dem o' Dulichium wit tha sacred Echinean islands, whoz dwelt beyond tha sea off Elis; deez wuz hustled by Meges, peer o' Mars, n' tha lil hustla o' valiant Phyleus, dear ta Jove, whoz quarrelled wit his wild lil' father, n' go ta settle up in Dulichium. Wif his dere came forty ships.

Ulysses hustled tha brave Cephallenians, whoz held Ithaca, Neritum wit its forests, Crocylea, rugged Aegilips, Samos n' Zacynthus, wit tha mainland also dat wuz ova against tha islands. deez wuz hustled by Ulysses, peer o' Jove up in counsel, n' wit his dere came twelve ships.

Thoas, lil hustla o' Andraemon, commanded tha Aetolians, whoz dwelt up in Pleuron, Olenus, Pylene, Chalcis by tha sea, n' rocky Calydon, fo' tha pimped out mackdaddy Oeneus had now nahh lil playas living, n' wuz his dirty dead, as wuz also golden-haired Meleager, whoz had been set ova tha Aetolians ta be dey mackdaddy fo' realz. an' wit Thoas dere came forty ships.

Da hyped spearsman Idomeneus hustled tha Cretans, whoz held Cnossus, n' tha well-walled hood o' Gortys; Lyctus also, Miletus n' Lycastus dat lies upon tha chalk; tha populous townz o' Phaestus n' Rhytium, wit tha other peoplez dat dwelt up in tha hundred ghettoz o' Crete fo' realz. All deez wuz hustled by Idomeneus, n' by Meriones, peer o' murderous Mars fo' realz. an' wit deez dere came eighty ships.

Tlepolemus, lil hustla o' Hercules, uh playa bof brave n' big- o' stature, brought nine shipz o' lordly warriors from Rhodes. deez dwelt up in Rhodes which iz divided among tha three ghettoz o' Lindus, Ielysus, n' Cameirus, dat lies upon tha chalk. deez wuz commanded by Tlepolemus, lil hustla o' Herculez by Astyochea, whom dat schmoooove mutha a had carried off from Ephyra, on tha river Selleis, afta sackin nuff ghettoz o' valiant warriors. When Tlepolemus grew up, he capped his wild lil' fatherz uncle Licymnius, whoz had been uh gangbangin' hyped warrior up in his cold- tyme yo, but wuz then grown old. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! On dis his thugged-out lil' punk- built his dirty uh gangbangin' fleet, gathered uh pimped out following, n' fled beyond tha sea, fo' da thug wuz menaced by tha other lil playas n' grandsonz o' Herculez fo' realz. Afta uh voyage. durin which da perved-out mutha a suffered pimped out bull, his schmoooove came ta Rhodes, where tha playas divided tha fuq into three communities, accordin ta dey tribes, n' wuz dearly loved by Jove, tha lord, o' godz n' s; wherefore tha lil hustla o' Saturn showered down pimped out riches upon dem wild- mutha as.

an' Nireus brought three ships from Syme- Nireus, whoz wuz tha thugged-outst playa dat came up under Iliuz o' all tha Danaans afta tha lil hustla o' Peleus- but da thug wuz uh playa o' nahh substance, n' had but uh lil' small- following.

an' dem dat held Nisyrus, Crapathus, n' Casus, wit Cos, tha hood o' Eurypylus, n' tha Calydnian islands, deez wuz commanded by Pheidippus n' Antiphus, two lil playaz o' Mackdaddy Thessalus tha lil hustla o' Herculez fo' realz. an' wit dem dere came thiddy ships.

Those ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in whoz held Pelasgic Argos, Alos, Alope, n' Trachis; n' dem o' Phthia n' Hellas tha land o' fair dem hoes, whoz wuz called Myrmidons, Hellenes, n' Achaeans; deez had fiddy ships, ova which Achillez wuz up in command. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! But dey now took nahh part up in tha war, inasmuch as dere wuz nahh one ta marshal dem; fo' Achillez stayed by his ships, furious bout tha loss o' tha hoe Briseis, whom dat schmoooove mutha a had taken from Lyrnessus at his own pimped out peril, when dat schmoooove mutha a had sacked Lyrnessus n' Thebe, n' had overthrown Mynes n' Epistrophus, lil playaz o' mackdaddy Evenor, lil hustla o' Selepus. fo' her sake Achillez wuz still grievin yo, but ere long da thug wuz ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in ta join dem wild- mutha as.

an' dem dat held Phylace n' tha flowery meadowz o' Pyrasus, sanctuary o' Ceres; Iton, tha mutha o' sheep; Antrum upon tha sea, n' Pteleum dat lies upon tha gr lands. o' deez brave Protesilaus had been captain while da thug wuz yet kickin it yo, but da thug wuz now lyin under tha earf yo. had left uh hoe behind his up in Phylace ta tear her cheeks up in sorrow, n' his in lil' doggy den wuz only half finished, fo' da thug wuz slain by uh Dardanian warrior while leapin foremost o' tha Achaeans upon tha soil o' Troy. Right back up in yo mutha in . Still, though his thugged-out lil' playas mourned dey chizzletain, dey wuz not without uh leader, fo' Podarces, o' tha race o' Mars, marshalled dem; da thug wuz lil hustla o' Iphiclus, rich up in sheep, whoz wuz tha lil hustla o' Phylacus, n' da thug wuz own brutha ta Protesilaus, only younger, Protesilaus bein at once tha elder n' tha mo' valiant. Right back up in yo mutha in . So tha playas wuz not without uh leader, though dey mourned his whom dey had lost. Wif his dere came forty ships.

an' dem dat held Pherae by tha Boebean lake, wit Boebe, Glaphyrae, n' tha populous hood o' Iolcus, deez wit dey eleven ships wuz hustled by Eumelus, lil hustla o' Admetus, whom Alcestis bore ta him, loveliest o' tha daughtaz o' Pelias.

an' dem dat held Methone n' Thaumacia, wit Meliboea n' rugged Olizon, deez wuz hustled by tha skilful archer Philoctetes, n' dey had seven ships, each wit fiddy oarsmen all o' dem phat archers; but Philoctetes wuz lyin up in pimped out pain up in tha Island o' Lemnos, where tha lil playaz o' tha Achaeans left him, fo' dat schmoooove mutha a had been bitten by uh poisonous wata snake. dere he lay sick n' sorry, n' full soon did tha Argives come ta miss his mutha in . But his thugged-out lil' s, though dey felt his in loss wuz not leaderless, fo' Medon, tha bastard lil hustla o' Oileus by Rhene, set dem up in array.

Those, ag'in, o' Tricca n' tha stony region o' Ithome, n' dey dat held Oechalia, tha hood o' Oechalian Eurytus, deez wuz commanded by tha two lil playaz o' Aesculapius, skilled up in tha art o' healing, Podalirius n' Machaon. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch fo' realz. an' wit dem dere came thiddy ships.

Da s, moreover, o' Ormenius, n' by tha fountain o' Hypereia, wit dem dat held Asterius, n' tha whitey crestz o' Titanus, deez wuz hustled by Eurypylus, tha lil hustla o' Euaemon, n' wit dem dere came forty ships.

Those dat held Argissa n' Gyrtone, Orthe, Elone, n' tha whitey hood o' Oloosson, o' deez brave Polypoetes wuz leader n' shiznit yo. wuz lil hustla o' Pirithous, whoz wuz lil hustla o' Jove his dirty, fo' Hippodameia bore his ta Pirithous on tha dizzle when tha pimpin' mutha a took his bangin revenge on tha shaggy mountain savages n' drove dem from Mt. Pelion ta tha Aithices. But Polypoetes wuz not sole up in command, fo' wit his wuz Leonteus, o' tha race o' Mars, whoz wuz lil hustla o' Coronus, tha lil hustla o' Caeneus fo' realz. an' wit deez dere came forty ships.

Guneus brought two n' tweny ships from Cyphus, n' da thug wuz followed by tha Enienes n' tha valiant Peraebi, whoz dwelt bout wintry Dodona, n' held tha landz round tha ghettofab river Titaresius, which sendz its watas tha fuq into tha Peneus. dey do not mingle wit tha silver eddiez o' tha Peneus yo, but flow on tha top o' dem like oil; fo' tha Titaresius be uh funky- branch o' dread Orcus n' o' tha river Styx.

o' tha Magnetes, Prothous lil hustla o' Tenthredon wuz commander n' sheeit. dey wuz dey dat dwelt bout tha river Peneus n' Mt. Pelion. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. Prothous, fleet o' foot, wuz dey leader, n' wit his dere came forty ships.

Such wuz tha chizzlez n' princez o' tha Danaans. Who, then, O Muse, wuz tha foremost, whether playa or horse, among dem dat followed afta tha lil playaz o' Atreus?

o' tha horses, dem o' tha lil hustla o' Pheres wuz by far tha finest. dey wuz driven by Eumelus, n' wuz as fleet as birds. dey waz o' tha same age n' colour, n' perfectly matched up in height fo' realz. Apollo, o' tha silver bow, had bred dem up in Perea- bof o' dem mares, n' ty as Mars up in battle. o' tha s, Ajax, lil hustla o' Telamon, wuz much tha foremost so long as Achilles' anger lasted, fo' Achillez excelled his pimped outly n' dat schmoooove mutha a had also betta horses; but Achillez wuz now holdin aloof at his ships by reason o' his quarrel wit Agamemnon, n' his thugged-out lil' playas ped dey tyme upon tha sea shore, throwin discs or aimin wit spears at uh mark, n' up in archery. they horses stood each by his own chariot, champin lotus n' wild celery. Da chariots wuz housed under cover yo, but dey ballers, fo' lack o' leadership, wandered hither n' thither bout tha host n' go not forf ta fight.

Thus marched tha host like uh cold- lil consumin fire, n' tha earf groaned beneaf dem when tha lord o' thunder iz mad salty n' lashes tha land bout Typhoeus among tha Arimi, where dey say Typhoeus lies. Put ya mutha in choppers up if ya feel dis! Even so, did tha earf groan beneaf dem as dey sped ova tha plain.

an' now Iris, fleet as tha wind, wuz busted by Jove ta tell tha ty shizzle among tha Trojans. dey wuz gathered up in embly, oldschool n' young, at Priamz gates, n' Iris came close up ta Priam, bustin lyrics wit tha voice o' Priamz lil hustla Polites, who, bein fleet o' foot, wuz stationed as watchman fo' tha Trojans on tha tomb o' oldschool Aesyetes, ta stay locked n' loaded fo' any sally o' tha Achaeans. In his in likenizz Iris spoke, sayin`, "Oldskool , you rap idly, as up in tyme o' peace, while war be at hand. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! ah done been up in nuff uh funky- battle yo, but never yet seen such uh host as iz now advancing. dey iz crossin tha plain ta battle tha hood as thick as leaves or as tha sandz o' tha sea yo. Hector, ah charge you above all others, do as ah say. dere iz nuff allies dispersed bout tha hood o' Priam from distant places n' bustin lyrics divers tongues. Therefore, let each chizzle give ordaz ta his own s, settin dem severally up in array n' leadin dem forf ta battle."

Thus her big- booty wuz rappin yo, but Hector knew dat dat shiznit wuz tha goddess, n' at once broke up tha embly. Da pimps flew ta arms; all tha gates wuz opened, n' tha playas thronged all up in dem, cow n' foot, wit tha tramp az o' uh pimped out multitude.

Now dere be uh high mound 'bfoe tha hood, risin by itself upon tha plain. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. s page it Batieia yo, but tha godz know dat it iz tha tomb o' lithe Myrine yo. Here tha Trojans n' dey allies divided dey forces.

Priamz son, pimped out Hector o' tha gleamin helmet, commanded tha Trojans, n' wit his wuz arrayed by far tha pimped outa number n' most valiant o' dem playas whoz wuz longin fo' tha fray.

Da Dardanians wuz hustled by brave Aeneas, whom Venus bore ta Anchises, when she, goddess though dat biiiiatch wuz, had lain wit his upon tha mountain slopez o' Ida yo. wuz not alone, fo' wit his wuz tha two lil playaz o' Antenor, Archilochus n' Acamas, bof skilled up in all tha artz o' war.

dey dat dwelt up in Telea under tha lowest spurz o' Mt. Ida, pimpz o' substance, whoz drank tha limpid wataz o' tha Aesepus, n' iz o' Trojan blood- deez wuz hustled by Pandarus lil hustla o' Lycaon, whom Apollo had taught ta use tha bow.

dey dat held Adresteia n' tha land o' Apaesus, wit Pityeia, n' tha high mountain o' Tereia- deez wuz hustled by Adrestus n' Amphius, whose breastplate waz o' linen. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. deez wuz tha lil playaz o' Meropz o' Percote, whoz excelled up in all kindz o' divination. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch yo. holla'd at dem not ta take part up in tha war yo, but dey gave his nahh heed, fo' fate lured dem ta destruction.

dey dat dwelt bout Percote n' Practius, wit Sestos, Abydos, n' Arisbe- deez wuz hustled by Asius, lil hustla o' Hyrtacus, uh funky- brave commander- Asius, tha lil hustla o' Hyrtacus, whom his bangin dark bay steeds, o' tha breed dat be reppin tha river Selleis, had brought from Arisbe.

Hippothous hustled tha tribez o' Pelasgian spearsmen, whoz dwelt up in fertile Larissa- Hippothous, n' Pylaeuz o' tha race o' Mars, two lil playaz o' tha Pelasgian Lethus, lil hustla o' Teutamus.

Acamas n' tha warrior Peirous commanded tha Thracians n' dem dat came from beyond tha mighty stream o' tha Hellespont.

Euphemus, lil hustla o' Troezenus, tha lil hustla o' Ceos, wuz captain o' tha Ciconian spearsmen.

Pyraechmes hustled tha Paeonian archers from distant Amydon, by tha broad wataz o' tha river Axius, tha fairest dat flow upon tha earf.

Da Paphlagonians wuz commanded by stout-hearted Pylaemanes from Enetae, where tha mulez run wild up in herds. deez wuz dey dat held Cytorus n' tha ghetto round Sesamus, wit tha ghettos by tha river Parthenius, Cromna, Aegialus, n' lofty Erithini.

Odius n' Epistrophus wuz captains ova tha Halizoni from distant Alybe, where dere be minez o' silver.

Chromis, n' Ennomus tha augur, hustled tha Mysians yo, but his skill up in augury availed not ta save his from destruction, fo' he fell tha fuq by tha hand o' tha fleet descendant o' Aeacus up in tha river, where da perved-out mutha a slew others also o' tha Trojans.

Phorcys, ag'in, n' noble Ascanius hustled tha Phrygians from tha far ghetto o' Ascania, n' bof wuz eager fo' tha fray.

Mesthlez n' Antiphus commanded tha Meonians, lil playaz o' Talaemenes, born ta his o' tha Gygaean lake. deez hustled tha Meonians, whoz dwelt under Mt. Tmolus.

Nastes hustled tha Carians, pimpz o' uh strange speech. deez held Miletus n' tha wooded mountain o' Phthires, wit tha wata o' tha river Maeander n' tha lofty crestz o' Mt. Mycale. deez wuz commanded by Nastes n' Amphimachus, tha brave lil playaz o' Nomion. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch yo. came tha fuq into tha fight wit gold bout him, like uh beotch; foo' dat da thug wuz, his wild lil' freakadelic gold waz o' nahh avail ta save him, fo' he fell tha fuq up in tha river by tha hand o' tha fleet descendant o' Aeacus, n' Achillez bore away his wild lil' freakadelic gold.

Sarn n' Glaucus hustled tha Lycians from dey distant land, by tha eddyin wataz o' tha Xanthus.



Book 3: Return o' tha JediEdit

When tha g-units wuz thus arrayed, each under its own captain, tha Trojans advanced as uh gangbangin' flight o' wild fowl or cranes dat scream overhead when drizzle n' winta cruize dem ova tha flowin wataz o' Oceanus ta brang dirtnap n' destruction on tha Pygmies, n' dey wrangle up in tha air as dey fly; but tha Achaeans marched silently, up in high, n' minded ta stand by one another.

As when tha downtown wind spreadz uh cold- lil curtain o' mist upon tha mountain tops, ty fo' shepherdz but betta than night fo' gangbangas, n' uh playa can peep nahh further than his schmoooove can throw uh stone, even so rose tha dust from under dey feet as dey made all speed ova tha plain.

When dey wuz close up wit one another, Alexandrus came forward as champion on tha Trojan side. On his shouldaz his thugged-out lil' punk- bore tha skin o' uh panther, his bow, n' his sword, n' his thugged-out lil' punk- brandished two spears shod wit bronze as uh cold- lil challenge ta tha bravest o' tha Achaeans ta hook up his up in single fight. Menelaus seen his thus stride up 'bfoe tha ranks, n' wuz glad as uh horny lion dat lights on tha carcase o' some goat or horned stag, n' devours it dere n' then, though dawgs n' youths set upon his mutha in . Even thus wuz Menelaus glad when his wild lil' in peeps caught sight o' Alexandrus, fo' da ruffneck deemed dat now da perved-out mutha a should be revenged. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! sprang, therefore, from his chariot, clad up in his suit o' armour.

Alexandrus quailed as da perved-out mutha a seen Menelaus come forward, n' shrank up in fear o' his wild lil' freakadelic game under cover o' his madness- s. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch fo' realz. As one whoz starts back affrighted, tremblin n' pale, when his schmoooove comes suddenly upon uh serpent up in some mountain glade, even so did Alexandrus plunge tha fuq into tha throng o' Trojan warriors, terror-stricken all up in tha sight o' tha lil hustla Atreus.

Then Hector upbraided his mutha in . "Paris," holla'd he, "evil-hearted Paris, fair ta peep yo, but biatch-mad, n' false o' tongue, would dat you had never been born, or dat you had took uh dirt nap unwed. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Betta so, than live ta be disgraced n' looked askizzle at. Will not tha Achaeans mock at our es n' say dat our madness es gots busted one ta champion our es whoz iz fair ta peep but whoz has neither wit nor courage, biatch? Did yo dirty not, like in yo iz, git yo' followin together n' sail beyond tha seas, biatch? Did yo dirty not from yo' uh gangbangin' far ghetto carry off uh ghettofab biatch wedded among uh playaz o' warriors- ta brang sorrow upon yo' father, yo' hood, n' yo' whole ghetto yo, but joy ta yo' enemies, n' hang-dog shamefacednizz ta yo , biatch? an' now can you not dare grill Menelaus n' learn what tha fuq manner o' playa he iz whose hoe you gots jacked, biatch? Where indeed would be yo' lyre n' yo' love-tricks, yo' comely locks n' yo' fair favour, when you wuz lyin up in tha dust 'bfoe him, biatch? Da Trojans be uh weak-kneed s, or ere dis you would gots had uh gangbangin' finger-lickin' dirty- hoodie o' stones fo' tha wrongs you gots done dem wild- mutha as."

an' Alexandrus answered, "Hector, yo' rebuke iz just. Yo iz hard as tha axe which uh gangbangin' finger-lickin' dirty- shipwright wieldz at his werk, n' cleaves tha timber ta his in likin fo' realz. As tha axe up in his hand, so keen iz tha edge o' yo' scorn, so check it 'bfoe ya wreck it. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. Right back up in yo mutha in . Still, taunt me not wit tha gifts dat golden Venus has given me; dey iz precious; let not uh playa disdain dem, fo' tha godz give dem where dey iz minded, n' none can gots dem fo' tha asking. If you would gots me do battle wit Menelaus, bid tha Trojans n' Achaeans take dey seats, while he n' ah fight up in dey midst fo' Helen n' all her wealf. Let his whoz shall be victorious n' prove ta be tha betta playa take tha biatch n' all dat freaky freaky biatch has, ta bear dem ta his home yo, but let tha rest swear ta uh solemn covenant o' peace whereby you Trojans shall stay here up in Troy, while tha others bounce back ta tha doggy den ta Argos n' tha land o' tha Achaeans."

When Hector heard dis da thug wuz glad, n' go bout among tha Trojan ranks holdin his spear by tha middle ta keep dem back, n' dey all sat down at his bidding: but tha Achaeans still aimed at his wit stones n' arrows, till Agamemnon shouted ta dem sayin`, "Hold, Argives, blast not, lil playaz o' tha Achaeans; Hector desires ta speak."

dey ceased takin aim n' wuz still, whereon Hector spoke. "Hear from mah grill," holla'd he, "Trojans n' Achaeans, tha sayin o' Alexandrus, all up in whom dis quarrel has come bout yo. bidz tha Trojans n' Achaeans lay dey armour upon tha ground, while he n' Menelaus fight up in tha midst o' y'all fo' Helen n' all her wealf. Let his whoz shall be victorious n' prove ta be tha betta playa take tha biatch n' all dat freaky freaky biatch has, ta bear dem ta his own home yo, but let tha rest swear ta uh solemn covenant o' peace."

Thus da perved-out mutha a spoke, n' dey all held dey peace, till Menelauz o' tha bangin battle-cry addressed dem wild- mutha as. "an' now," da perved-out mutha a holla'd, "hear me too, fo' it iz ah whoz be da most thugged-out aggrieved. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! ah deem dat tha partin o' Achaeans n' Trojans be at hand, as well it may be, seein how tha fuq much gots suffered fo' mah quarrel wit Alexandrus n' tha wack da ruffneck did mah dirty . Let his whoz shall die, die, n' let tha others fight nahh mo' n' mo' n' mo'. Bring, then, two lambs, uh whitey ram n' uh funky- black ewe, fo' Ghetto n' Sun, n' we's will brang uh third fo' Jove. Mo'ova, you shall bid Priam come, dat he may swear ta tha covenant his dirty ; fo' his in lil playas iz high-handed n' ill ta trust, n' tha oathz o' Jove mus' not be transgressed or taken up in vain. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. Young menz mindz iz light as air yo, but when uh oldschool playa comes he looks 'bfoe n' afta, deemin dat which shall be fairest upon bof sides."

Da Trojans n' Achaeans wuz glad when dey heard dis here, fo' dey thought dat dey should now gots rest. dey backed dey chariots toward tha ranks, gots outta dem, n' put off dey armour, layin it down upon tha ground; n' tha hosts wuz near ta one another wit uh lil space between dem wild- mutha as yo. Hector busted two messengers ta tha hood ta brang tha lambs n' ta bid Priam come, while Agamemnon holla'd at Talthybius ta fetch tha other lamb from tha ships, n' da ruffneck did as Agamemnon had holla'd.

Meanwhile Iris go ta Helen up in tha form o' her sister-in-law, hoe o' tha lil hustla o' Antenor, fo' Helicaon, lil hustla o' Antenor, had hooked up Laodice, tha fairest o' Priamz daughters. Right back up in yo mutha in . Biatch found her up in her own room, hustlin at uh pimped out wizzy o' purple linen, on which dat biiiiatch wuz embroiderin tha battlez between Trojans n' Achaeans, dat Mars had made dem fight fo' her sake. Iris then came close up ta her n' holla'd, "Come hither, child, n' peep tha strange bustinz o' tha Trojans n' Achaeans till now dey done been warrin upon tha plain, mad wit lust o' battle yo, but now dey gots left off fighting, n' iz leanin upon dey shields, chillin still wit dey spears planted beside dem wild- mutha as fo' realz. Alexandrus n' Menelaus iz goin ta fight bout yo , n' yo iz ta tha da hoe o' his whoz iz tha victor."

Thus wuz rappin tha goddess, n' Helenz yearned afta her forma homeboy, her hood, n' her muthafathas. Right back up in yo mutha in . Biatch threw uh whitey mantle ova her head, n' hurried from her room, weepin as dat biiiiatch go, not alone yo, but attended by two o' her handmaids, Aethrae, daughta o' Pizzleheus, n' Clymene fo' realz. an' straightway dey wuz all up in tha Scaean gates.

Da two sages, Ucalegon n' Antenor, eldaz o' tha s, wuz seated by tha Scaean gates, wit Priam, Panthous, Thymoetes, Lampus, Clytius, n' Hiketaon o' tha race o' Mars. deez wuz too oldschool ta fight yo, but dey wuz fluent orators, n' sat on tha tower like cicalez dat chirrup delicately from tha boughz o' some high tree up in uh wood. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! ah be fly as uh gangbangin' falcon, soarin all up in tha sky dawwwwg! When dey seen Helen comin towardz tha tower, dey holla'd softly ta one another, "Lil Small-Ass wonder dat Trojans n' Achaeans should endure so much n' so long, fo' tha sake o' uh biatch so marvellously n' divinely ghettofab. Right back up in yo mutha in . Still, fair though da hoe be, let dem take her n' go, or dat biiiiatch will breed sorrow fo' our es n' fo' our lil pimps afta us."

But Priam bade her draw nigh. "muh motha in in child," holla'd he, "take yo' seat up in front o' me dat you may peep yo' forma homeboy, yo' kinsmen n' yo' playas. ah lay nahh blame upon you, it iz tha gods, not you whoz iz ta blame. Well shiiiit, it iz dey dat gots brought bout dis ty war wit tha Achaeans. Tell me, then, whoz iz yonder big- pimp so pimped out n' goodly, biatch? ah gots peeped pimps talla by uh head yo, but none so comely n' so royal. It aint nuthin but tha nick nack patty wack, ah still gots tha bigger sack. Right back up in yo mutha in . Surely he mus' be uh mackdaddy."

" ," answered Helen, "father o' mah homeboy, dear n' reverend up in mah peeps, would dat ah had chosen dirtnap than ta gots come here wit yo' son, far from mah bridal chamber, mah playas, mah darlin daughter, n' all tha companionz o' mah girlhood. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! ah be fly as uh gangbangin' falcon, soarin all up in tha sky dawwwwg! But dat shiznit wuz not ta be, n' mah lot iz one o' tears n' sorrow fo' realz. As fo' yo' queshun, tha pimp o' whom you ax iz Agamemnon, lil hustla o' Atreus, uh phat mackdaddy n' uh funky- brave soldier, brudda-in-law as surely as dat he lives, ta mah abhorred n' miserable self."

Da oldschool playa marvelled at his n' holla'd, "Kool as fuq lil hustla o' Atreus, lil pimp o' phat fortune. ah peep dat tha Achaeans iz subject ta you up in pimped out multitudes. When ah wuz up in Phrygia ah seen much horsemen, tha playaz o' Otreus n' o' Mygdon, whoz wuz campin upon tha bankz o' tha river Sangarius; ah wuz dey ally, n' wit dem when tha Amazons, peerz o' s, came up against dem yo, but even dey wuz not all kindsa mutha in as tha Achaeans."

Da oldschool playa next looked upon Ulysses; "Tell me," da perved-out mutha a holla'd, "who iz dat other, shorta by uh head than Agamemnon yo, but broader across tha chest n' shoulders, biatch? His armour iz laid upon tha ground, n' da perved-out mutha a stalks up in front o' tha ranks as it wuz some pimped out woolly ram orderin his wild lil' in ewes."

an' Helen answered, " iz Ulysses, uh playa o' pimped out craft, lil hustla o' Laertes yo. started doin thangs up in rugged Ithaca, n' excels up in all manner o' stratagems n' subtle cunning."

On dis Antenor holla'd, "Madam, you gots spoken truly. Ulysses once came here as envoy bout yo , n' Menelaus wit his mutha in . ah received dem up in mah own crib, n' therefore know bof o' dem by sight n' conversation. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. When dey stood up in presence o' tha embled Trojans, Menelaus wuz tha broader shouldered yo, but when bof wuz seated Ulysses had tha mo' royal presence fo' realz. Afta uh tyme dey served up dey message, n' tha rap o' Menelaus ran trippingly on tha tongue; da ruffneck did not say much, fo' da thug wuz uh playa o' few lyrics yo, but da perved-out mutha a wuz rappin straight-up clearly n' ta tha point, though da thug wuz tha younger playa o' tha two; Ulysses, on tha other hand, when he rose ta speak, wuz at first silent n' kept his wild lil' in peeps fixed upon tha ground. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! dere wuz nahh play nor graceful movement o' his sceptre; he kept it straight n' stiff like uh playa unpractised up in oratory- one might gots taken his fo' uh mere churl or simpleton; but when he raised his voice, n' tha lyrics came rollin from his in lil' deep chest like winta snow 'bfoe tha wind, then dere wuz none ta bust uh nut on him, n' nahh playa thought further o' what tha fuq he looked like."

Priam then caught sight o' Ajax n' asked, "Dum diddy-dum, here ah come biaaatch! Who tha fuq iz dat pimped out n' goodly warrior whose head n' broad shouldaz tower above tha rest o' tha Argives?"

"dat," answered Helen, "iz big- Ajax, bulwark o' tha Achaeans, n' on tha other side o' him, among tha Cretans, standz Idomeneus lookin like uh god, n' wit tha captainz o' tha Cretans round his mutha in . Often did Menelaus receive his as uh hommie up in our doggy den when his schmoooove came hittin' up our es from Crete. ah see, moreover, nuff other Achaeans whose names ah could rap yo, but dere be two whom ah can nowhere find, Castor, breaker o' horses, n' Pollux tha mighty boxer; dey iz lil pimpz o' mah motha, n' own brothers ta mah dirty . Either dey aint left Lacedaemon, or else, though dey gots brought dey ships, dey aint gonna show theyselves up in battle fo' tha shame n' disgrace dat ah gots brought upon dem wild- mutha as."

beotch knew not dat bof deez heroes wuz already lyin under tha earf up in dey own land o' Lacedaemon.

Meanwhile, tha heraldz wuz brangin tha holy oaf-offerings all up in tha hood- two lambs n' uh goatskin o' colt 45, tha gift o' earf; n' Idaeus brought tha mixin bowl n' tha cupz o' gold. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! go up ta Priam n' holla'd, "Son o' Laomedon, tha princez o' tha Trojans n' Achaeans bid you come down on ta tha plain n' swear ta uh solemn covenant fo' realz. Alexandrus n' Menelaus iz ta fight fo' Helen up in single combat, dat she n' all her wealf may go wit his whoz iz tha victor. Shiiit, dis aint nahh joke. we's iz ta swear ta uh solemn covenant o' peace whereby we's others shall dwell here up in Troy, while tha Achaeans return ta Argos n' tha land o' tha Achaeans."

Da oldschool playa trembled as dat schmoooove mutha a heard yo, but bade his wild lil' followers yoke tha horses, n' dey made all haste ta do so yo. mounted tha chariot, gathered tha reins up in his hand, n' Antenor took his seat beside him; dey then drove all up in tha Scaean gates on ta tha plain. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. When dey reached tha rankz o' tha Trojans n' Achaeans dey left tha chariot, n' wit measured pace advanced tha fuq into tha space between tha hosts.

Agamemnon n' Ulysses bof rose ta hook up dem wild- mutha as. Da attendants brought on tha oaf-offerings n' mixed tha Cristal up in tha mixing-bowls; dey poured wata ova tha handz o' tha chizzletains, n' tha lil hustla o' Atreus drew tha dagger dat hung by his sword, n' cut wool from tha lambs' heads; dis tha s-servants gave bout among tha Trojan n' Achaean princes, n' tha lil hustla o' Atreus lifted up his handz up in prayer n' sheeit. "Father Jove," his schmoooove cried, "dat rulest up in Ida, most glorious up in power, n' thou awww Sun, dat seest n' givest ear ta all thangs, Ghetto n' Rivers, n' ye whoz up in tha realms below chastise tha o' his dat has ed up his oaf, witnizz deez rites n' guard dem, dat dey be not vain. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. If Alexandrus kills Menelaus, let his keep Helen n' all her wealf, while we's sail home wit our ships; but if Menelaus kills Alexandrus, let tha Trojans give back Helen n' all dat dat freaky freaky biatch has; let dem moreover pay such fine ta tha Achaeans as shall be agreed upon, up in testimony among dem dat shall be born hereafter n' shiznit fo' realz. Aid if Priam n' his in lil playas refuse such fine when Alexandrus has fallen, then will ah stay here n' fight on till ah gots gots satisfaction."

As da perved-out mutha a wuz rappin da ruffneck drew his shank across tha throatz o' tha suckas, n' laid dem down gaspin n' dyin upon tha ground, fo' tha shank had reft dem o' dey strengf. Then dey poured Cristal from tha mixing-bowl tha fuq into tha cups, n' prayed ta tha everlastin gods, sayin`, Trojans n' Achaeans among one another, "Jove, most pimped out n' glorious, n' ye other everlastin gods, grant dat tha domez o' dem whoz shall first sin against dey oaths- o' dem n' dey chil'ns- may be shed upon tha ground even as dis colt 45, n' let dey wives become tha slavez o' strangers."

Thus dey prayed yo, but not as yet would Jove grant dem dey prayer n' sheeit. Then Priam, descendant o' Dardanus, spoke, sayin`, "Hear me, Trojans n' Achaeans, ah'ma now go back ta tha wind-beaten hood o' Ilius: ah dare not wit mah own peeps witnizz dis fight between mah lil hustla n' Menelaus, fo' Jove n' tha other immortals ridin' solo know which shall fall."

On dis he laid tha two lambs on his chariot n' took his seat yo. gathered tha reins up in his hand, n' Antenor sat beside him; tha two then go back ta Ilius yo. Hector n' Ulysses measured tha ground, n' cast in loadz from uh helmet o' bronze ta peep which should take aim first. Meanwhile, tha two hosts lifted up dey handz n' prayed sayin`, "Father Jove, dat rulest from Ida, most glorious up in power, grant dat da thug whoz first brought bout dis war between our es may die, n' enta tha doggy den o' Hades, while we's others remain at peace n' abide by our oaths."

Great Hector now turned his head aside while da perved-out mutha a shook tha helmet, n' tha lot o' Paris flew up first. Da others took dey nuff mutha in stations, each by his horses n' tha place where his thugged-out arms wuz lying, while Alexandrus, homeboy o' ghettofab Helen, put on his wild lil' freakadelic goodly armour. Shiiit, dis aint nahh joke. First he greaved his hairy- legs wit greavez o' phat make n' fitted wit ancle-claspz o' silver; afta dis da ruffneck donned tha cuir o' his brutha Lycaon, n' fitted it ta his own body; dat schmoooove mutha a hung his silver-studded sword o' bronze bout his shoulders, n' then his madness- mighty shield. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! On his comely head da perved-out mutha a set his helmet, well-wrought, wit uh cold- lil crest o' horse-fro dat nodded menacingly above it, n' he grasped uh redoubtable spear dat suited his hands. In like fashizzle Menelaus also put on his thugged-out armour.

When dey had thus armed, each amid his own s, dey strode fierce o' aspect tha fuq into tha open space, n' bof Trojans n' Achaeans wuz struck wit awe as dey beheld dem wild- mutha as. dey stood near one another on tha measured ground, brandishin dey spears, n' each furious against tha other n' shiznit fo' realz. Alexandrus aimed first, n' struck tha round shield o' tha lil hustla o' Atreus yo, but tha spear did not pierce it, fo' tha shield turned its point. Menelaus next took aim, prayin ta Father Jove as da ruffneck did so. "Mack Jove," da perved-out mutha a holla'd, "grant me revenge on Alexandrus whoz has wronged me; subdue his under mah hand dat up in ages yet ta come uh playa may shrink from bustin ill deedz up in tha doggy den o' his host."

 poised his spear as da perved-out mutha a spoke, n' hurled it all up in tha shield o' Alexandrus. Through shield n' cuir it go, n' tore tha hoodie by his wild lil' flank yo, but Alexandrus swerved aside, n' thus saved his wild lil' freakadelic game. Then tha lil hustla o' Atreus drew his sword, n' drove all up in tha projectin part o' his helmet yo, but tha sword fell tha fuq shivered up in three or four pieces from his hand, n' his schmoooove  cried, lookin towardz Heaven, "Father Jove, o' all godz thou art da most thugged-out despiteful; ah made shizzle o' mah revenge yo, but tha sword has  ed up in mah hand, mah spear has been hurled up in vain, n' ah aint capped his mutha in ."

Wif dis he flew at Alexandrus, caught his by tha horsehair plume o' his helmet, n' in started draggin his towardz tha Achaeans. Da strap o' tha helmet dat go under his chin wuz chokin him, n' Menelaus would gots dragged his off ta his own pimped out glory had not Jovez daughta Venus been quick ta mark n' ta break tha strap o' oxhide, so dat tha empty helmet came away up in his hand. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! dis here he flung ta his comrades among tha Achaeans, n' wuz ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in springin upon Alexandrus ta run his all up in wit uh spear yo, but Venus snatched his up in uh moment (as uh god can do), hid his under uh cold- lil cloud o' darkness, n' conveyed his ta his own bedchamber.

Then dat biiiiatch go ta booty-page Helen, n' found her on uh high tower wit tha Trojan dem hoes crowdin round her n' sheeit. Right back up in yo mutha in . Biatch took tha form o' uh oldschool biatch whoz used ta dress wool fo' her when dat biiiiatch wuz still up in Lacedaemon, n' o' whom dat biiiiatch wuz straight-up fond. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Thus disguised she plucked her by perfumed robe n' holla'd, "Come hither; Alexandrus say yo iz ta git all up in tha crib; he iz on his bed up in his own room, radiant wit beauty n' dressed up in pimpin' apparel. nahh one would be thinkin dat schmoooove mutha a had just come from fightin yo, but dat da thug wuz goin ta uh thugged-out get5 jiggy wit i, or had done ridin' dirty n' wuz chillin down."

Wif deez lyrics she moved tha o' Helen ta anger n' sheeit. When she marked tha dope neck o' tha goddess, her ghettofab bosom, n' sparklin peeps, she marvelled at her n' holla'd, "Goddess, why do you thus beguile me son, biatch? iz you goin ta bust me afield still further ta some playa whom you gots taken up in Phrygia or fair Meonia, biatch? Menelaus has just vanquished Alexandrus, n' iz ta take mah hateful self back wit his mutha in . Yo iz come here ta betray mah dirty . Go sit wit Alexandrus yo ; henceforf be goddess nahh longer; never let yo' feet carry you back ta Olympus; trip bout his n' peep afta his till he make you his hoe, or, fo' tha matta o' dat, his slave- but me son, biatch? ah shall not go; ah can garnish his bed nahh longer; ah should be uh funky- by-werd among all tha dem hoez o' Troy. Besides, ah gots shiznit on mah mind."

Venus wuz straight-up mad salty, n' holla'd, "Bold hussy, do not provoke me; if you do, ah shall leave you ta yo' fate n' don' give uh fuq bout you as much as ah gots loved you, biatch. ah'ma stir up fierce hatred between Trojans n' Achaeans, n' you shall come ta uh gangbangin' finger-lickin' dirty- ty- end."

At dis Helen wuz frightened. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Biatch wrapped her mantle bout her n' go up in silence, followin tha goddess n' unnoticed by tha Trojan dem hoes.

When dey came ta tha doggy den o' Alexandrus tha maid-servants set bout dey werk yo, but Helen go tha fuq into her own room, n' tha laughter-lovin goddess took uh seat n' set it fo' her facin Alexandrus. On dis Helen, daughta o' aegis-bearin Jove, sat down, n' wit peeps askizzle in started ta upbraid her homeboy.

"So yo iz come from tha fight," holla'd she; "would dat you had fallen by tha hand o' dat brave playa whoz wuz mah homeboy. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Yo used ta brag dat you wuz uh funky- betta playa wit handz n' spear than Menelaus. go yo, but ah then, uh challenge his ag'in- but ah should advise you not ta do so, fo' if yo iz foolish enough ta hook up his up in single combat, yo big- booty iz ghon soon all by his spear."

an' Paris answered, "beotch, do not vex me wit yo' reproaches. dis here tyme, wit tha he`p o' Minerva, Menelaus has vanquished me; another tyme ah may mah dirty be victor, fo' ah too gots godz dat will stand by mah dirty . Come, let our es lie down together n' make playas. Never yet wuz ah so pionately enamoured o' y'all as at dis moment- not even when ah first carried you off from Lacedaemon n' sailed away wit you- not even when ah had converse wit you upon tha couch o' ludd up in tha island o' Cranae wuz ah so enthralled by desire o' y'all as now, nahmeean?" On dis dat schmoooove mutha a hustled her towardz tha bed, n' his hoe go wit his mutha in .

Thus dey laid theyselves on tha bed together; but tha lil hustla o' Atreus strode among tha throng, lookin everywhere fo' Alexandrus, n' nahh, neither o' tha Trojans nor o' tha allies, could find his mutha in . If dey had peeped his dey wuz up in nahh mind ta hide him, fo' dey all o' dem hated his as dey did dirtnap itself. Then Agamemnon, mackdaddy o' s, spoke, sayin`, "Hear me, Trojans, Dardanians, n' allies. Put ya mutha in choppers up if ya feel dis! Da victory has been wit Menelaus; therefore give back Helen wit all her wealf, n' pay such fine as shall be agreed upon, up in testimony among dem dat shall be born hereafter."

Thus wuz rappin tha lil hustla o' Atreus, n' tha Achaeans shouted up in applause.



Book 4: uh New HopeEdit

Now tha godz wuz chillin wit Jove up in council upon tha golden floor while Hebe go round pourin up nectar fo' dem ta drink, n' as dey pledged one another up in dey cupz o' gold dey looked down upon tha hood o' Troy. Da lil hustla o' Saturn then in started ta tease Juno, poppin' off at her so as ta provoke her n' sheeit. "Menelaus," holla'd he, "has two phat playaz among tha goddesses, Juno o' Argos, n' Minerva o' Alalcomene yo, but dey only sit still n' peep on, while Venus keeps eva by Alexandrus' side ta defend his up in any danger; indeed dat freaky freaky biatch has just rescued his when he made shizzle dat dat shiznit wuz all ova wit him- fo' tha victory straight-up did lie wit Menelaus. we's mus' consider what tha fuq we's shall do bout all dis here; shall we's set dem fightin anew or make peace between dem, biatch? If yo big- booty iz ghon smoke ta dis last Menelaus can take back Helen n' tha hood o' Priam may remain still inhabited."

Minerva n' Juno muttered dey discontent as dey sat side by side hatchin mischizzle fo' tha Trojans. Minerva scowled at her father, fo' dat biiiiatch wuz up in uh gangbangin' furious boner wit him, n' holla'd not uh god damn thang yo, but Juno could not contain her mutha in . "Dread lil hustla o' Saturn," holla'd she, "what, pray, iz tha meanin o' all dis here, biatch? iz mah sheeit, then, ta go fo' nuttin', n' tha sweat dat ah gots sweated, ta say not uh god damn thang o' mah horses, while gettin tha playas together against Priam n' his chil'ns, biatch? Do as you will yo, but we's other godz shall not all o' our es approve yo' counsel."

Jove wuz mad salty n' answered, "muh motha in in dear, what tha fuq harm gots Priam n' his in lil playas done you dat yo iz so hotly bent on sackin tha hood o' Ilius, biatch? Will not uh god damn thang do fo' you but you mus' within dey walls n' smoke Priam raw, wit his in lil playas n' all tha other Trojans ta boot, biatch? gots it yo' own way then; fo' ah would not gots dis matta become uh funky- bone o' contention between us. ah say further, n' lay mah sayin ta yo' , if eva ah wanna sack uh cold- lil hood belongin ta playaz o' yours, you mus' not try ta stop me; yo big- booty iz ghon gotta let me do it, fo' ah be givin up in ta you sorely against mah will. o' all inhabited ghettos under tha sun n' starz o' heaven, dere wuz none dat ah so much bigged up as Ilius wit Priam n' his whole s. Equitable feasts wuz never wantin bout mah altar, nor tha savour o' burnin fat, which iz honour cuz o' ourselves."

"muh motha in in own three most straight-up bangin ghettos," answered Juno, "is Argos, Sparta, n' Mycenae. Right back up in yo mutha in . Sack dem whenever you may be displeased wit dem wild- mutha as. ah shall not defend dem n' ah shall not care. Even if ah did, n' tried ta stay you, ah should take not uh god damn thang by it, fo' yo iz much stronger than ah be yo, but ah'ma not gots mah own werk wasted. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! dis here type'uh shiznit happens all tha tyme. ah too be uh god n' o' tha same race wit yo . ah be Saturnz eldest daughter, n' be honourable not on dis ground only yo, but also cuz ah be yo' hoe, n' yo iz mackdaddy ova tha gods. Let it be uh cold- lil case, then, o' give-an'-take between us, n' tha rest o' tha godz will follow our lead. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Tell Minerva ta go n' take part up in tha fight at once, n' let her contrive dat tha Trojans shall be tha straight-up original gangsta ta break dey oaths n' set upon tha Achaeans."

Da sire o' godz n' pimps heeded her lyrics, n' holla'd ta Minerva, "Go at once tha fuq into tha Trojan n' Achaean hosts, n' contrive dat tha Trojans shall be tha straight-up original gangsta ta break dey oaths n' set upon tha Achaeans."

dis here wuz what tha fuq Minerva wuz already eager ta do, so down her dope darted from tha topmost summitz o' Olympus. Right back up in yo mutha in . Biatch blasted all up in tha sky as some solid meteor which tha lil hustla o' schemin Saturn has busted as uh sign ta mariners or ta some pimped out army, n' uh gangbangin' fiery train o' light bigs up in its wake. Da Trojans n' Achaeans wuz struck wit awe as dey beheld, n' one would turn ta his neighbour, sayin`, "Either we's shall ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in gots war n' din o' combat, or Jove tha lord o' battle will now make peace between us."

Thus did dey converse. Then Minerva took tha form o' Laodocus, lil hustla o' Antenor, n' go all up in tha rankz o' tha Trojans ta find Pandarus, tha redoubtable lil hustla o' Lycaon. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. Right back up in yo mutha in . Biatch found his standin among tha stalwart heroes whoz had followed his from tha bankz o' tha Aesopus, so dat biiiiatch go close up ta his n' holla'd, "Brave lil hustla o' Lycaon, will you do as ah tell yo slick , biatch? If you dare bust uh arrow at Menelaus yo big- booty iz ghon win honour n' props from all tha Trojans, n' especially from pimp Alexandrus- da thug would be tha straight-up original gangsta ta requite you straight-up thugged-outly if his schmoooove could peep Menelaus mount his wild lil' funeral pyre, slain by uh arrow from yo' hand. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Take yo' home aim then, n' pray ta Lycian Apollo, tha hyped archer; vow dat when you git home ta yo' phat hood o' Zelea yo big- booty iz ghon offer uh hecatomb o' firstlin lambs up in his honour."

His foolz wuz persuaded, n' tha pimpin' mutha a took his bow from its case. dis here bow wuz made from tha hornz o' uh wild ibex which dat schmoooove mutha a had capped as dat shiznit wuz boundin from uh rock; dat schmoooove mutha a had stalked it, n' it had fallen as tha arrow struck it ta tha . Its horns wuz sixteen palms long, n' uh worker up in horn had made dem tha fuq into uh funky- bow, smoothang dem well down, n' givin dem tipz o' gold. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! When Pandarus had strung his bow he laid it carefully on tha ground, n' his brave followers held dey shieldz 'bfoe his lest tha Achaeans should set upon his 'bfoe dat schmoooove mutha a had blasted Menelaus. Then he opened tha lid o' his quiver n' took up uh winged arrow dat had yet been smok'd, fraught wit tha pangz o' dirtnap yo. laid tha arrow on tha strang n' prayed ta Lycian Apollo, tha hyped archer, vowin dat when he gots home ta his thugged-out lil' phat hood o' Zelea da thug would offer uh hecatomb o' firstlin lambs up in his honour yo. laid tha notch o' tha arrow on tha oxhide bowstring, n' drew bof notch n' strang ta his tittie till tha arrow-head wuz near tha bow; then when tha bow wuz arched tha fuq into uh half-circle he let fly, n' tha bow twanged, n' tha strang busted as tha arrow flew gladly on ova tha headz o' tha throng.

But tha pimped godz did not forget thee, O Menelaus, n' Jovez daughter, driver o' tha spoil, wuz tha straight-up original gangsta ta stand 'bfoe thee n' ward off tha piercin arrow. Right back up in yo mutha in . Biatch turned it from his skin as uh mutha whisks uh gangbangin' fly from off her lil pimp when it iz chillin dopely; she guided it ta tha part where tha golden bucklez o' tha belt dat ped ova his in lil' double cuir wuz fastened, so tha arrow struck tha belt dat go tightly round his mutha in . Well shiiiit, it go right all up in dis n' all up in tha cuir o' cunnin workmanship; it also pierced tha belt beneaf it, which da thug wore next his skin ta keep up darts or arrows; dat shiznit wuz dis dat served his up in tha dopest stead, nevertheless tha arrow go all up in it n' grazed tha top o' tha skin, so dat blood in started flowin from tha wound.

As when some biatch o' Meonia or Caria strains purple dye on ta uh piece o' ivory dat iz ta be tha cheek-piece o' uh horse, n' iz ta be laid up in uh treasure crib- nuff uh knight iz fain ta bear it yo, but tha mackdaddy keeps it as uh ornament o' which bof cow n' driver may be proud- even so, O Menelaus, wuz yo' shapely fat- thighs n' yo' hairy- legs down ta yo' fair anclez stained wit blood.

When Mackdaddy Agamemnon seen tha blood flowin from tha wound da thug wuz afraid, n' so wuz brave Menelaus his dirty till da perved-out mutha a seen dat tha barbz o' tha arrow n' tha thread dat bound tha arrow-head ta tha shaft wuz still outside tha wound. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Then tha pimpin' mutha a took yo, but Agamemnon heaved uh thugged-out deep bust uh funky- big- fart as dat schmoooove mutha a held Menelauss hand up in his own, n' his comrades made moan up in concert. "Dear brudda, "he cried, "ah done been tha dirtnap o' y'all up in pledgin dis covenant n' lettin you come forward as our champion. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. Da Trojans gots trampled on dey oaths n' gots wounded you; nevertheless tha oaf, tha blood o' lambs, tha drink-offerings n' tha right handz o' fellowshizzle up in which gots put our trust shall not be vain. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. If tha pimpin' mutha a dat rulez Olympus fulfil it not here n' now, he. will yet fulfil it hereafter, n' dey shall pay dearly wit dey lives n' wit dey wives n' lil' thugs. Da dizzle will surely come when mighty Ilius shall be laid low, wit Priam n' Priamz s, when tha lil hustla o' Saturn from his high throne shall overshadow dem wit his wack aegis up in punishment o' dey present treachery. dis here shall surely be; but how, Menelaus, shall ah mourn you, if it be yo' lot now ta die, biatch? ah should return ta Argos as uh funky- by-werd, fo' tha Achaeans will at once bounce back ta tha doggy den. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. we's shall leave Priam n' tha Trojans tha glory o' still keepin Helen, n' tha earf will rot yo' bones as you lie here at Troy wit yo' purpose not fulfilled. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Then shall some braggart Trojan leap upon yo' tomb n' say, 'Ever thus may Agamemnon wreak his vengeance; his thugged-out lil' punk- brought his thugged-out army up in vain; he iz gone home ta his own land wit empty ships, n' has left Menelaus behind his mutha in .' Thus will one o' dem say, n' may tha earf then swallow mah dirty ."

But Menelaus reured his n' holla'd, "Take , n' do not alarm tha s; tha arrow has not struck me up in uh mortal part, fo' mah outa belt o' burnished metal first stayed it, n' under dis mah cuir n' tha belt o' mail which tha bronze-smiths made mah dirty ."

an' Agamemnon answered, "ah trust, dear Menelaus, dat it may be even so yo, but tha surgeon shall examine yo' wound n' lay herbs upon it ta relieve yo' pain."

 then holla'd ta Talthybius, "Talthybius, tell Machaon, lil hustla ta tha pimped out physician, Aesculapius, ta come n' peep Menelaus immediately. Right back up in yo mutha in . Some Trojan or Lycian archer has wounded his  wit uh arrow ta our dismay, n' ta his own pimped out glory."

Talthybius did as da thug wuz holla'd at, n' go bout tha host tryin ta find Machaon. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. Presently he found standin amid tha brave warriors whoz had followed his from Tricca; thereon da thug go up ta his n' holla'd, "Son o' Aesculapius, Mackdaddy Agamemnon say yo iz ta come n' peep Menelaus immediately. Right back up in yo mutha in . Some Trojan or Lycian archer has wounded his wit uh arrow ta our dismay n' ta his own pimped out glory."

Thus did da perved-out mutha a speak, n' Machaon wuz moved ta bounce tha fuq out. dey ped all up in tha spreadin host o' tha Achaeans n' go on till dey came ta tha place where Menelaus had been wounded n' wuz lyin wit tha chizzletains gathered up in uh cold- lil circle round his mutha in . Machaon ped tha fuq into tha middle o' tha rang n' at once drew tha arrow from tha belt, bendin its barbs back all up in tha force wit which he pulled it up yo. undid tha burnished belt, n' beneaf dis tha cuir n' tha belt o' mail which tha bronze-smiths had made; then, when dat schmoooove mutha a had peeped tha wound, da thug wiped away tha blood n' applied some soothang sticky-icky-ickys which Chiron had given ta Aesculapius outta tha phat will his thugged-out lil' punk- bore his mutha in .

While dey wuz thus busy bout Menelaus, tha Trojans came forward against dem, fo' dey had put on dey armour, n' now renewed tha fight.

Yo would not gots then found Agamemnon asleep nor cowardly n' unwillin ta fight yo, but eager fo' tha fray yo. left his chariot rich wit bronze n' his thugged-out lil' pantin steedz up in charge o' Eurymedon, lil hustla o' Ptolemaeus tha lil hustla o' Peiraeus, n' bade his hold dem up in readinizz against tha tyme his in limbs should weary o' goin bout n' givin ordaz ta so many, fo' da thug go among tha ranks on foot. When da perved-out mutha a seen pimps hastin ta tha front da perved-out mutha a stood by dem n' hollared dem on. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. "Argives," holla'd he, "slacken not one whit up in yo' onset; daddy Jove iz ghon be nahh helper o' liars; tha Trojans done been tha straight-up original gangsta ta break dey oaths n' ta battle us; therefore dey shall be devoured o' vultures; we's shall take dey hood n' carry off dey wives n' lil pimps up in our ships."

But he angrily rebuked dem whom da perved-out mutha a seen shirkin n' disinclined ta fight. "Argives," his schmoooove cried, "cowardly miserable creatures, gots you nahh shame ta stand here like frightened fawns who, when dey can nahh longer scud ova tha plain, huddle together yo, but show nahh fight, biatch? Yo be as dazed n' spiritless as deer n' sheeit. Would you wait till tha Trojans reach tha sternz o' our ships as dey lie on tha shore, ta see, whether tha lil hustla o' Saturn will hold his hand ova you ta protect yo slick ?"

Thus did he go bout givin his ordaz among tha ranks. Pin all up in tha crowd, his schmoooove came presently on tha Cretans, armin round Idomeneus, whoz wuz at dey head, fierce as uh wild boar, while Meriones wuz brangin up tha battalions dat wuz up in tha rear fo' realz. Agamemnon wuz glad when da perved-out mutha a seen him, n' wuz rappin his fairly. "Idomeneus," holla'd he, "ah treat you wit pimped outa distinction than ah do any otherz o' tha Achaeans, whether up in war or up in other thangs, or at table. When tha princes iz mixin mah chizzlest wines up in tha mixing-bowls, dey gots each o' dem uh gangbangin' fixed allowizzle yo, but yo' cup iz kept always full like mah own, dat you may drank whenever yo iz minded. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Go, therefore, tha fuq into battle, n' show yo tha playa you done been always proud as uh mutha a ta be."

Idomeneus answered, "ah'ma be uh trusty comrade, as ah promised you from tha straight-up original gangsta ah would be. Urge on tha other Achaeans, dat we's may join battle at once, fo' tha Trojans gots trampled upon dey covenants, n' you can put dat on yo' toast. Dirtnap n' destruction shall be theirs, seein dey done been tha straight-up original gangsta ta break dey oaths n' ta battle us."

Da lil hustla o' Atreus go on, glad at, till his schmoooove came upon tha two Ajaxes armin theyselves amid uh host o' foot-soldiers fo' realz. As when uh goat-herd from some high post watches uh storm cruize ova tha deep 'bfoe tha westside wind- black as pitch iz tha offin n' uh mighty whirlwind draws towardz him, so dat he be afraid n' drives his wild lil' flock tha fuq into uh cold- lil cave- even thus did tha rankz o' stalwart youths move up in uh thugged-out dark m ta battle under tha Ajaxes, horrid wit shield n' spear. Shiiit, dis aint nahh joke. Glad wuz Mackdaddy Agamemnon when da perved-out mutha a seen dem wild- mutha as. "nahh need," his schmoooove cried, "ta give ordaz ta such leadaz o' tha Argives as yo iz, fo' o' yo' own selves you spur yo' pimps on ta fight wit might n' main. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. Would, by daddy Jove, Minerva, n' Apollo dat all wuz so minded as yo iz, fo' tha hood o' Priam would then soon fall beneaf our hands, n' we's should sack dat sheeit."

Wif dis he left dem n' go onward ta Nestor, tha facile speaker o' tha Pylians, whoz wuz marshallin his madness- pimps n' urgin dem on, up in company wit Pelagon, Alastor, Chromius, Haemon, n' Bias shepherd o' his thugged-out lil' playas yo. placed his knights wit dey chariots n' horses up in tha front rank, while tha foot-soldiers, brave pimps n' many, whom his schmoooove could trust, wuz up in tha rear. Shiiit, dis aint nahh joke. Da cowardz da ruffneck drove tha fuq into tha middle, dat dey might fight whether dey would or nahh yo. gave his ordaz ta tha knights first, biddin dem hold dey horses well up in hand, so as ta stay tha fuq away from mad drama. "Let nahh ," da perved-out mutha a holla'd, "relyin on his strengf or horsemanship, git 'bfoe tha others n' engage singly wit tha Trojans, nor yet let his lag behind or yo big- booty iz ghon weaken yo' attack; but let each when he meets uh enemyz chariot throw his spear from his own; dis be much tha bomb; dis iz how tha fuq tha pimpz o' oldschool took towns n' strongholds; up in dis wise wuz dey minded."

Thus did tha oldschool playa charge dem, fo' dat schmoooove mutha a had been up in nuff uh gangbangin' fight, n' Mackdaddy Agamemnon wuz glad. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! "ah wish," da perved-out mutha a holla'd ta him, dat yo' limbs wuz as supple n' yo' strengf as shizzle as yo' judgment iz; but age, tha common enemy o' mankind, has laid his hand upon you; would dat it had fallen upon some other, n' dat you wuz still young."

an' Nestor, knight o' Gerene, answered, "Son o' Atreus, ah too would gladly be tha playa ah wuz when ah slew mighty Ereuthalion; but tha godz aint gonna give our es every last mutha in thang at one n' tha same tyme. ah wuz then young, n' now ah be old; still ah can go wit mah knights n' give dem dat counsel which oldschool pimps gotz uh right ta give. Da wieldin o' tha spear ah leave ta dem playas whoz iz younger n' stronger than mah dirty ."

Agamemnon go his way rejoicing, n' presently found Menestheus, lil hustla o' Peteos, tarryin up in his thugged-out lil' place, n' wit his wuz tha Athenians bangin o' tongue up in battle. Near his also tarried cunnin Ulysses, wit his sturdy Cephallenians round him; dey had not yet heard tha battle-cry, fo' tha rankz o' Trojans n' Achaeans had only just begun ta move, so dey wuz standin still, waitin fo' some other columnz o' tha Achaeans ta battle tha Trojans n' begin tha fighting. When da perved-out mutha a seen dis Agamemnon rebuked dem n' holla'd, "Son o' Peteos, n' you other, steeped up in cunning, o' guile, why stand you here cowerin n' waitin on others, biatch? Yo two should be o' all pimps foremost when dere iz hard fightin ta be done, fo' yo iz eva foremost ta accept mah invitation when we's councillorz o' tha Achaeans iz holdin feast. Yo iz glad enough then ta take yo' fill o' roast meats n' ta drank Cristal as long as you please, whereas now you would not care though you seen ten columnz o' Achaeans engage tha enemy up in front o' you, biatch."

Ulysses glared at his n' answered, "Son o' Atreus, what tha fuq iz you poppin' off about, biatch? How tha fuq can you say dat we's iz slack, biatch? When tha Achaeans iz up in full fight wit tha Trojans, you shall see, if you care ta do so, dat tha daddy o' Telemachus will join battle wit tha foremost o' dem wild- mutha as. Yo iz poppin' off idly."

When Agamemnon seen dat Ulysses wuz mad salty, da perved-out mutha a smiled pleasantly at his n' withdrew his in lyrics. "Ulysses," holla'd he, "noble lil hustla o' Laertes, pimpin up in all phat counsel, ah gots neither fault ta find nor ordaz ta give you, fo' ah know yo' iz right, n' dat you n' ah iz o' uh mind. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Enough; ah'ma make you amendz fo' what tha fuq ah gots holla'd, n' if any ill has now been spoken may tha godz brang it ta nuttin'."

 then left dem n' go on ta others. Presently da perved-out mutha a seen tha lil hustla o' Tydeus, noble Diomed, standin by his chariot n' horses, wit Sthenelus tha lil hustla o' Capaneus beside him; whereon his thugged-out lil' punk-  in started ta upbraid his mutha in . "Son o' Tydeus," da perved-out mutha a holla'd, "why stand you cowerin here upon tha brink o' battle, biatch? Tydeus did not shrink thus yo, but wuz eva ahead o' his madness- pimps when leadin dem on against tha foe- so, at least, say dey dat seen his  up in battle, fo' ah never set peeps upon his  mah dirty . dey say dat dere wuz nahh playa like his mutha in  yo.   came once ta Mycenae, not as uh enemy but as uh guest, up in company wit Polynices ta recruit his wild lil' forces, fo' dey wuz levyin war against tha phat hood o' Thebes, n' prayed our playas fo' uh funky- body o' picked pimps ta he`p dem wild- mutha as. Da pimpz o' Mycenae wuz willin ta let dem gots one yo, but Jove dissuaded dem by showin dem unfavourable omens. Tydeus, therefore, n' Polynices go dey way. When dey had gots as far tha deep-meadowed n' rush-grown bankz o' tha Aesopus, tha Achaeans busted Tydeus as dey envoy, n' he found tha Cadmeans gathered up in pimped out numbers ta uh funky- banquet up in tha doggy den o' Eteocles. Right back up in yo mutha in . Stranger though da thug wuz, he knew nahh fear on findin his dirty  single-handed among so nuff yo, but challenged dem ta contestz o' all kinds, n' up in each one o' dem wuz at once victorious, so mightily did Minerva he`p his mutha in . Da Cadmeans wuz incensed at his success, n' set uh gangbangin' force o' fiddy youths wit two captains- tha godlike pimp Maeon, lil hustla o' Haemon, n' Polyphontes, lil hustla o' Autophonus- at dey head, ta lie up in wait fo' his  on his bangin return journey; but Tydeus slew every last mutha in playa o' dem, save only Maeon, whom he let go up in obedience ta heavenz omens. Right back up in yo mutha in . Such wuz Tydeuz o' Aetolia yo. His lil hustla can rap mo' glibly yo, but his schmoooove  cannot fight as his wild lil' daddy done did."

Diomed made nahh answer, fo' da thug wuz shamed by tha rebuke o' Agamemnon; but tha lil hustla o' Capaneus took up his in lyrics n' holla'd, "Son o' Atreus, tell nahh lies, fo' you can drop uh rhyme truf if you will. we's boast ourselves as even betta pimps than our fathers; we's took seven-gated Thebes, though tha wall wuz stronger n' our pimps wuz fewer up in number, fo' we's trusted up in tha omenz o' tha godz n' up in tha he`p o' Jove, whereas dey perished all up in dey own sheer folly; hold not, then, our fathers up in like honour wit us."

Diomed looked sternly at his n' holla'd, "Hold yo' peace, mah playa, as ah bid you, biatch. Well shiiiit, it aint amiss dat Agamemnon should urge tha Achaeans forward, fo' tha glory iz ghon be his madness- mutha in if we's take tha hood, n' his cold- tha shame if we's iz vanquished. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Therefore let our es acquit ourselves wit valour."

As da perved-out mutha a wuz rappin da perved-out mutha a sprang from his chariot, n' his thugged-out armour rang so fiercely bout his body dat even uh funky- brave playa might well done been scared ta hear dat sheeit.

As when some mighty wave dat thundaz on tha beach when tha westside wind has lashed it tha fuq into fury- it has reared its head afar n' now comes crashin down on tha shore; it bows its archin crest high ova tha jagged roxors n' spews its salt foam up in all directions- even so did tha serried phalanxez o' tha Danaans march steadfastly ta battle. Da chizzlez gave ordaz each ta his own playas yo, but tha pimps holla'd never uh werd; nahh playa would be thinkin it, fo' big- as tha host wuz, it seemed as though dere wuz not uh tongue among dem, so silent wuz dey up in dey obedience; n' as dey marched tha armour bout dey bodies glistened up in tha sun. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. But tha clamour o' tha Trojan ranks wuz as dat o' nuff thousand ewes dat stand waitin ta be milked up in tha yardz o' some rich flockmaster, n' bleat incessantly up in answer ta tha bleatin o' dey lambs; fo' dey had not one rap nor language yo, but dey tongues wuz diverse, n' dey came from nuff different places. deez wuz inspired o' Mars yo, but tha others by Minerva- n' wit dem came Panic, Rout, n' Strife whose fury never tires, sista n' playa o' murderous Mars, who, from bein at first but low up in stature, grows till she uprears her head ta heaven, though her feet iz still on earf. Right back up in yo mutha in . Biatch dat shiznit wuz dat go bout among dem n' flung down discord ta tha waxin o' sorrow wit even hand between dem wild- mutha as.

When dey wuz gots together up in one place shield clashed wit shield n' spear wit spear up in tha rage o' battle. Da bossed shieldz beat one upon another, n' dere wuz uh tramp az o' uh pimped out multitude- dirtnap-cry n' shout o' triumph o' slain n' slayers, n' tha earf ran red wit blood. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! ah be fly as uh gangbangin' falcon, soarin all up in tha sky dawwwwg! As torrents swollen wit drizzle course madly down dey deep channels till tha mad salty floodz hook up in some gorge, n' tha shepherd tha hillside hears dey roarin from afar- even such wuz tha toil n' uproar o' tha hosts as dey joined up in battle.

First Antilochus slew uh armed warrior o' tha Trojans, Echepolus, lil hustla o' Thalysius, fightin up in tha foremost ranks yo. struck all up in tha projectin part o' his helmet n' drove tha spear tha fuq into his brow; tha deal wit bronze pierced tha bone, n' darknizz veiled his wild lil' in peeps; headlong as uh tower he fell tha fuq amid tha press o' tha fight, n' as da ruffneck dropped Mackdaddy Elephenor, lil hustla o' Chalcodon n' captain o' tha proud as uh mutha a Abantes in started draggin his outta reach o' tha darts dat wuz fallin round him, up in haste ta strip his o' his thugged-out armour. Shiiit, dis aint nahh joke. But his thugged-out lil' purpose wuz not fo' long; Agenor seen his halin tha body away, n' smote his up in tha side wit his bronze-shod spear- fo' as da perved-out mutha a stooped his side wuz left unprotected by his shield- n' thus he perished. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Then tha fight between Trojans n' Achaeans grew furious ova his body, n' dey flew upon each other like wolves, playa n' playa crushin one upon tha other.

Forthwif Ajax, lil hustla o' Telamon, slew tha fair youf Simoeisius, lil hustla o' Anthemion, whom his madness- mutha bore by tha bankz o' tha Simois, as dat biiiiatch wuz comin down from Mt. Ida, where dat freaky freaky biatch had been wit her muthafathas ta peep dey flocks. Therefore, da thug wuz named Simoeisius yo, but da ruffneck did not live ta pay his thugged-out lil' muthafathas fo' his bangin rearing, fo' da thug wuz cut off untimely by tha spear o' mighty Ajax, whoz struck his up in tha tittie by tha right nipple as da thug wuz comin on among tha foremost fighters; tha spear go right all up in his shoulder, n' he fell tha fuq as uh poplar dat has grown straight n' tall up in uh meadow by some mere, n' its top iz thick wit branches. Then tha wheelwright lays his thugged-out axe ta its roots dat he may fashizzle uh gangbangin' felloe fo' tha wheel o' some goodly chariot, n' it lies seasonin by tha waterside. In such wise did Ajax fell tha fuq ta earf Simoeisius, lil hustla o' Anthemion. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. Thereon Antiphuz o' tha gleamin corslet, lil hustla o' Priam, hurled uh spear at Ajax from amid tha crowd n' missed his yo, but dat schmoooove mutha a hit Leucus, tha brave comrade o' Ulysses, up in tha groin, as da thug wuz draggin tha body o' Simoeisius ova ta tha other side; so he fell tha fuq upon tha body n' loosed his hold upon dat sheeit. Ulysses wuz furious when da perved-out mutha a seen Leucus slain, n' strode up in full armour all up in tha front ranks till da thug wuz like close; then he glared round bout his n' took aim, n' tha Trojans fell tha fuq back as da ruffneck did so yo. His dart wuz not sped up in vain, fo' it struck Democoon, tha bastard lil hustla o' Priam, whoz had come ta his from Abydos, where dat schmoooove mutha a had charge o' his wild lil' fatherz mares. Ulysses, infuriated by tha dirtnap o' his comrade, hit his wit his spear on one temple, n' tha bronze point came all up in on tha other side o' his wild lil' forehead. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Thereon darknizz veiled his wild lil' in peeps, n' his thugged-out armour rang rattlin round his as he fell tha fuq heavily ta tha ground. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Hector, n' dey dat wuz up in front, then gave round while tha Argives raised uh gangbangin' finger-lickin' dirty- shout n' drew off tha dead, pressin further forward as dey did so. But Apollo looked down from Pergamus n' called aloud ta tha Trojans, fo' da thug wuz displeased. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! "Trojans," his schmoooove cried, "rush on tha foe, n' do not let yourselves be thus beaten by tha Argives. they skins aint stone nor iron dat when hit dem you do dem nahh harm. Mo'ova, Achilles, tha lil hustla o' ghettofab Thetis, aint fightin yo, but iz nursin his thugged-out anger all up in tha ships."

Thus wuz rappin tha mighty god, bustin up like uh biatch ta dem from tha hood, while Jovez redoubtable daughter, tha Trito-born, go bout among tha host o' tha Achaeans, n' urged dem forward whenever da hoe beheld dem slackening.

Then fate fell tha fuq upon Diores, lil hustla o' Amarynceus, fo' da thug wuz struck by uh jagged stone near tha ancle o' his bangin right leg yo. dat hurled dat shiznit wuz Peirous, lil hustla o' Imbrasus, captain o' tha Thracians, whoz had come from Aenus; tha bones n' bof tha tendons wuz crushed by tha pitiless stone yo. fell tha fuq ta tha ground on his back, n' up in his in lil' dirtnap throes stretched up his handz towardz his comrades. But Peirous, whoz had wounded him, sprang on his n' thrust uh spear tha fuq into his belly, so dat his bowels came gushin up upon tha ground, n' darknizz veiled his wild lil' in peeps fo' realz. As da thug wuz leavin tha body, Thoaz o' Aetolia struck his up in tha chest near tha nipple, n' tha point fixed itself up in his in lungs. Thoas came close up ta him, pulled tha spear outta his chest, n' then drawin his sword, smote his up in tha middle o' tha belly so dat da ruffneck died; but da ruffneck did not strip his o' his thugged-out armour, fo' his Thracian comrades, pimps whoz wear dey afro up in uh tuft all up in tha top o' dey heads, stood round tha body n' kept his off wit dey long spears fo' all his wild lil' freakadelic pimped out stature n' valour; so da thug wuz driven back. Thus tha two corpses lay stretched on earf near ta one another, tha one captain o' tha Thracians n' tha other o' tha Epeans; n' nuff another fell tha fuq round dem wild- mutha as.

an' now nahh playa would gots made light o' tha fightin if his schmoooove could gots gone bout among it scatheless n' unwounded, wit Minerva leadin his by tha hand, n' protectin his from tha storm o' spears n' arrows. fo' nuff Trojans n' Achaeans on dat dizzle lay stretched side by side grill downwardz upon tha earf.

Book 5: Da Empire Strikes BackEdit

Then Pallas Minerva put valour tha fuq into tha o' Diomed, lil hustla o' Tydeus, dat he might excel all tha other Argives, n' cover his dirty wit glory. Right back up in yo mutha in . Biatch done cooked up uh stream o' fire flare from his shield n' helmet like tha star dat shines most solidly up in summer afta its baf up in tha wataz o' Oceanus- even such uh gangbangin' fire did she kindle upon his head n' shouldaz as da hoe bade his speed tha fuq into tha thickest hurly-burly o' tha fight.

Now dere wuz uh cold- lil certain rich n' honourable playa among tha Trojans, priest o' Vulcan, n' his name wuz Dares yo. had two sons, Phegeus n' Idaeus, bof o' dem skilled up in all tha artz o' war. Shiiit, dis aint nahh joke. deez two came forward from tha main body o' Trojans, n' set upon Diomed, his thugged-out lil' punk- bein on foot, while dey fought from dey chariot. When dey wuz close up ta one another, Phegeus took aim first yo, but his spear go ova Diomedz left shoulder without hittin his mutha in . Diomed then threw, n' his spear sped not up in vain, fo' it hit Phegeus on tha tittie near tha nipple, n' he fell tha fuq from his chariot. Idaeus did not dare ta bestride his brotherz body yo, but sprang from tha chariot n' took ta flight, or da thug would gots shared his brotherz fate; whereon Vulcan saved his by wrappin his up in uh cold- lil cloud o' darkness, dat his oldschool daddy might not be utterly overwhelmed wit grief; but tha lil hustla o' Tydeus drove off wit tha horses, n' bade his wild lil' followers take dem ta tha ships. Da Trojans wuz scared when dey seen tha two lil playaz o' Dares, one o' dem up in fright n' tha other lyin dead by his chariot. Minerva, therefore, took Mars by tha hand n' holla'd, "Mars, Mars, bane o' s, bloodstained storma o' ghettos, may our es aint now leave tha Trojans n' Achaeans ta fight it out, n' peep ta which o' tha two Jove will vouchsafe tha victory, biatch? Let our es go away, n' thus stay tha fuq away from his thugged-out anger."

So sayin`, her dope drew Mars outta tha battle, n' set his down upon tha steep bankz o' tha Scamander n' sheeit. Upon dis tha Danaans drove tha Trojans back, n' each one o' dey chizzletains capped his madness- . ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. First Mackdaddy Agamemnon flung mighty Odius, captain o' tha Halizoni, from his chariot. Da spear o' Agamemnon caught his on tha broad o' his back, just as da thug wuz turnin up in flight; it struck his between tha shouldaz n' go right all up in his chest, n' his thugged-out armour rang rattlin round his as he fell tha fuq heavily ta tha ground.

Then Idomeneus capped Phaesus, lil hustla o' Borus tha Meonian, whoz had come from Varne. Mighty Idomeneus speared his on tha right shoulder as da thug wuz mountin his chariot, n' tha darknizz o' dirtnap enshrouded his as he fell tha fuq heavily from tha `64.

Da squirez o' Idomeneus spoiled his o' his thugged-out armour, while Menelaus, lil hustla o' Atreus, capped Scamandrius tha lil hustla o' Strophius, uh mighty huntsman n' keen freak o' tha chase. Diana her mutha in had taught his how tha fuq ta bust uh cap up in every last mutha in kind o' wild creature dat iz bred up in mountain forests yo, but neither she nor his wild lil' famed skill up in archery could now save him, fo' tha spear o' Menelaus struck his up in tha back as da thug wuz flying; it struck his between tha shouldaz n' go right all up in his chest, so dat he fell tha fuq headlong n' his thugged-out armour rang rattlin round his mutha in .

Meriones then capped Phereclus tha lil hustla o' Tecton, whoz wuz tha lil hustla o' Hermon, uh playa whose hand wuz skilled up in all manner o' cunnin workmanship, fo' Pallas Minerva had dearly loved his mutha in yo. dat shiznit wuz dat made tha ships fo' Alexandrus, which wuz tha beginnin o' all mischizzle, n' brought evil alike bof on tha Trojans n' on Alexandrus his dirty ; fo' dat schmoooove mutha a heeded not tha decreez o' heaven. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. Meriones overtook his as da thug wuz flying, n' struck his on tha right buttock. Da point o' tha spear go all up in tha bone tha fuq into tha bladder, n' dirtnap came upon his as his schmoooove cried aloud n' fell tha fuq forward on his knees.

Meges, moreover, slew Pedaeus, lil hustla o' Antenor, who, though da thug wuz uh funky- bastard, had been brought up by Theano as one o' her own chil'ns, fo' tha ludd da hoe bore her homeboy. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Da lil hustla o' Phyleus gots close up ta his n' drove uh spear tha fuq into tha nape o' his neck: it go under his cold- tongue all among his cold- teef, so his thugged-out lil' punk- bit tha cold bronze, n' fell tha fuq dead up in tha dust.

an' Eurypylus, lil hustla o' Euaemon, capped Hypsenor, tha lil hustla o' noble Dolopion, whoz had been made priest o' tha river Scamander, n' wuz honoured among tha playas as though da thug wuz uh god. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Eurypylus gave his chase as da thug wuz flyin 'bfoe him, smote his wit his sword upon tha arm, n' lopped his thugged-out lil' phat hand from off dat sheeit. Da bloody hand fell tha fuq ta tha ground, n' tha shadez o' dirtnap, wit fate dat nahh playa can withstand, came ova his wild lil' in peeps.

Thus furiously did tha battle rage between dem wild- mutha as fo' realz. As fo' tha lil hustla o' Tydeus, you could not say whether da thug wuz mo' among tha Achaeans or tha Trojans yo. rushed across tha plain like uh winta torrent dat has burst its barrier up in full flood; nahh dykes, nahh wallz o' fruitful vineyardz can embank it when it iz swollen wit drizzle from heaven yo, but up in uh moment it comes tearin onward, n' lays nuff uh gangbangin' field waste dat nuff uh phat playa hand has reclaimed- even so wuz tha dense phalanxez o' tha Trojans driven up in rout by tha lil hustla o' Tydeus, n' nuff though dey wuz, dey dared not abide his onslaught.

Now when tha lil hustla o' Lycaon seen his scourin tha plain n' rollin tha Trojans pell-mell 'bfoe him, he aimed uh arrow n' hit tha front part o' his cuir near tha shoulder: tha arrow go right all up in tha metal n' pierced tha flesh, so dat tha cuir wuz covered wit blood. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! ah be fly as uh gangbangin' falcon, soarin all up in tha sky dawwwwg! On dis tha lil hustla o' Lycaon shouted up in triumph, "Knights Trojans, come on; tha bravest o' tha Achaeans iz wounded, n' da thug aint gonna hold up much longer if Mackdaddy Apollo wuz indeed wit me when ah sped from Lycia hither."

Thus did he vaunt; but his thugged-out arrow had not capped Diomed, whoz withdrew n' made fo' tha chariot n' horsez o' Sthenelus, tha lil hustla o' Capaneus. "Dear lil hustla o' Capaneus," holla'd he, "come down from yo' chariot, n' draw tha arrow outta mah shoulder."

Sthenelus sprang from his chariot, n' drew tha arrow from tha wound, whereon tha blood came spoutin up all up in tha hole dat had been made up in his shirt. Then Diomed prayed, sayin`, "Hear me, daughta o' aegis-bearin Jove, unweariable, if eva you loved mah daddy well n' stood by his up in tha thick o' uh gangbangin' fight, do tha like now by me; grant me ta come within uh spearz throw o' dat playa n' bust uh cap up in his mutha in yo. has been too quick fo' me n' has wounded me; n' now he iz boastin dat ah shall not peep tha light o' tha sun much longer."

Thus he prayed, n' Pallas Minerva heard him; she made his in limbs supple n' quickened his handz n' his Nikes. Then dat biiiiatch go up close ta his n' holla'd, "Fear not, Diomed, ta do battle wit tha Trojans, fo' ah gots set up in yo' tha spirit o' yo' knightly daddy Tydeus. Mo'ova, ah gots withdrawn tha veil from yo' peeps, dat you know godz n' pimps apart. If, then, any other god comes here n' offers you battle, do not fight him; but should Jovez daughta Venus come, strike her wit yo' spear n' wound her mutha in ."

When dat freaky freaky biatch had holla'd dis Minerva go away, n' tha lil hustla o' Tydeus ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in took his thugged-out lil' place among tha foremost fighters, three times mo' fierce even than dat schmoooove mutha a had been 'bfoe yo. wuz like uh lion dat some mountain shepherd has wounded yo, but not capped, as he iz springin ova tha wall o' uh gangbangin' finger-lickin' dirty- sheep-yard ta battle tha sheep. Da shepherd has roused tha brute ta fury but cannot defend his wild lil' flock, so tha pimpin' mutha a takes shelta under cover o' tha buildings, while tha sheep, panic-stricken on bein deserted, iz smothered up in heaps one on top o' tha other, n' tha mad salty lion leaps up ova tha sheep-yard wall. Even thus did Diomed go furiously bout among tha Trojans.

 capped Astynous, n' shepherd o' his thugged-out lil'  s, tha one wit uh thrust o' his spear, which struck his  above tha nipple, tha other wit uh sword- cut on tha collar-bone, dat severed his shoulder from his neck n' back yo.   let bof o' dem lie, n' go up in pursuit o' Abas n' Polyidus, lil playaz o' tha oldschool reader o' trips Eurydamas: dey never came back fo' his  ta read dem any mo' dreams, fo' mighty Diomed made uh end o' dem wild- mutha as yo.   then gave chase ta Xanthus n' Thoon, tha two lil playaz o' Phaenops, bof o' dem straight-up dear ta him, fo' da thug wuz now worn up wit age, n' begat nahh mo' lil playas ta inherit his thugged-out lil' possessions. But Diomed took bof dey lives n' left dey daddy sorrowin bitterly, fo' he nevermore seen dem come home from battle kickin it, n' his kinsmen divided his wealf among theyselves.

Then his schmoooove came upon two lil playaz o' Priam, Echemmon n' Chromius, as dey wuz bof up in one chariot yo. sprang upon dem as uh lion fastens on tha neck o' some cow or heifer when tha herd iz feedin up in uh cold- lil coppice. fo' all dey vain strugglez he flung dem bof from dey chariot n' stripped tha armour from dey bodies. Put ya mutha in choppers up if ya feel dis! Then he gave dey horses ta his comrades ta take dem back ta tha ships.

When Aeneas seen his thus makin havoc among tha ranks, da thug go all up in tha fight amid tha drizzle o' spears ta peep if his schmoooove could find Pandarus. When dat schmoooove mutha a had found tha brave lil hustla o' Lycaon da perved-out mutha a holla'd, "Pandarus, where iz now yo' bow, yo' winged arrows, n' yo' renown as uh archer, up in respect o' which nahh playa here can rival you nor iz dere any up in Lycia dat can beat yo slick , biatch? Lift then yo' handz ta Jove n' bust uh arrow at dis fellow whoz iz goin so masterfully about, n' has done such deadly werk among tha Trojans yo. has capped nuff uh funky- brave - unless indeed he iz some god whoz iz mad salty wit tha Trojans bout dey sacrifices, n' an' has set his hand against dem up in his in lil' displeasure."

an' tha lil hustla o' Lycaon answered, "Aeneas, ah take his fo' none other than tha lil hustla o' Tydeus. ah know his by his shield, tha visor o' his helmet, n' by his horses. Well shiiiit, it iz possible dat he may be uh god yo, but if he iz tha playa ah say he iz, he aint makin all dis havoc without heavenz he`p yo, but has some god by his side whoz iz shrouded up in uh cold- lil cloud o' darkness, n' whoz turned mah arrow aside when it had hit his mutha in . ah gots taken aim at his already n' hit his on tha right shoulder; mah arrow go all up in tha breastpiece o' his cuir; n' ah made shizzle ah should bust his hurryin ta tha ghetto below yo, but it seems dat ah aint capped his mutha in . dere mus' be uh god whoz iz mad salty wit mah dirty . Mo'ova ah gots neither cow nor chariot. In mah fatherz stablez dere be eleven pimpin chariots, fresh from tha builder, like new, wit cloths spread ova dem; n' by each o' dem dere stand uh pair o' horses, champin barley n' rye; mah oldschool daddy Lycaon urged mah madness ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in when ah wuz up in da crib n' on tha deal wit starting, ta take chariots n' horses wit me dat ah might lead tha Trojans up in battle yo, but ah would not dig him; it would done been much betta if ah had done so yo, but ah wuz thankin bout tha horses, which had been used ta smoke dey fill, n' ah wuz afraid dat up in such uh pimped out gatherin o' pimps dey might be ill-fed, so ah left dem up in da crib n' came on foot ta Ilius armed only wit mah bow n' arrows. deez it seems, iz o' nahh use, fo' ah gots already hit two chizzletains, tha lil playaz o' Atreus n' o' Tydeus, n' though ah drew blood surely enough, ah gots only made dem still mo' furious. ah did ill ta take mah bow down from its peg on tha dizzle ah hustled mah crew o' Trojans ta Ilius up in Hectorz service, n' if eva ah git home ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in ta set peeps on mah natizzle place, mah hoe, n' tha pimped outnizz o' mah crib, may some one cut mah head off then n' dere if ah do not break tha bow n' set it on uh funky- bangin' fire- such pranks as it skits mah dirty ."

Aeneas answered, "Say nahh mo' n' mo' n' mo'. Things aint gonna mend till we's two go against dis playa wit chariot n' horses n' brang his ta uh trial o' arms. Boy it's gettin hot, yeea indeed it iz. Mount mah chariot, n' note how tha fuq defly tha horsez o' Tros can speed hither n' thither ova tha plain up in pursuit or flight. If Jove ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in vouchsafes glory ta tha lil hustla o' Tydeus dey will carry our es safely back ta tha hood. Take hold, then, o' tha whip n' reins while ah stand upon tha hoopty ta fight, or else do you wait dis manz onset while ah peep afta tha horses."

"Aeneas." replied tha lil hustla o' Lycaon, "take tha reins n' cruize; if we's gotta fly 'bfoe tha lil hustla o' Tydeus tha horses will go betta fo' dey own driver n' sheeit. If dey miss tha sound o' yo' voice when dey expect it dey may be frightened, n' refuse ta take our es outta tha fight. Da lil hustla o' Tydeus will then bust uh cap up in bof o' our es n' take tha horses. Therefore cruize dem yo n' ah'ma be locked n loaded fo' his wit mah spear."

dey then mounted tha chariot n' drove full-speed towardz tha lil hustla o' Tydeus. Right back up in yo mutha in . Sthenelus, lil hustla o' Capaneus, seen dem comin n' holla'd ta Diomed, "Diomed, lil hustla o' Tydeus, playa afta mah own , ah peep two heroes speedin towardz you, bof o' dem pimpz o' might tha one uh skilful archer, Pandarus lil hustla o' Lycaon, tha other, Aeneas, whose sire iz Anchises, while his madness- mutha iz Venus. Mount tha chariot n' let our es retreat. Do not, ah pray you, press so furiously forward, or you may git capped."

Diomed looked angrily at his n' answered: "jive not o' flight, fo' ah shall not dig you: ah be o' uh race dat knows neither flight nor fear, n' mah limbs iz as yet unwearied. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! ah be up in nahh mind ta mount yo, but will go against dem even as ah be; Pallas Minerva bidz me be afraid o' nahh , n' even though one o' dem escape, dey steedz shall not take bof back ag'in. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. ah say further, n' lay mah sayin ta yo' heart- if Minerva sees fit ta vouchsafe me tha glory o' cappin' bof, stay yo' horses here n' make tha reins fast ta tha rim o' tha chariot; then be shizzle you sprang Aeneas' horses n' cruize dem from tha Trojan ta tha Achaean ranks. dey iz o' tha stock dat pimped out Jove gave ta Tros up in payment fo' his in lil hustla Ganymede, n' iz tha finest dat live n' move under tha sun. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. Mackdaddy Anchises jacked tha blood by puttin his madness- mares ta dem without Laomedonz knowledge, n' dey bore his six foals. Four iz still up in his stablez yo, but he gave tha other two ta Aeneas. we's shall win pimped out glory if we's can take dem wild- mutha as."

Thus did dey converse yo, but tha other two had now driven close up ta dem, n' tha lil hustla o' Lycaon wuz rappin first. "Great n' mighty son," holla'd he, "o' noble Tydeus, mah arrow failed ta lay you low, so ah'ma now try wit mah spear."

 poised his spear as da perved-out mutha a wuz rappin n' hurled it from his mutha in . Well shiiiit, it struck tha shield o' tha lil hustla o' Tydeus; tha bronze point pierced it n' ped on till it reached tha breastplate. Thereon tha lil hustla o' Lycaon shouted up n' holla'd, "Yo  iz hit clean all up in tha belly; yo big- booty iz ghon not stand up fo' long, n' tha glory o' tha fight iz mine."

But Diomed all undismayed made answer, "Yo gots missed, not hit, n' 'bfoe you two peep tha end o' dis matta one or other o' y'all shall glut tough-shielded Mars wit his blood."

Wif dis dat schmoooove mutha a hurled his spear, n' Minerva guided it on ta Pandaruss nozzle near tha eye. Well shiiiit, it go crashin up in among his whitey teef; tha bronze point cut all up in tha root o' his cold- ta tongue, comin up under his chin, n' his wild lil' freakadelic glistenin armour rang rattlin round his as he fell tha fuq heavily ta tha ground. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Da horses started aside fo' fear, n' da thug wuz reft o' game n' strengf.

Aeneas sprang from his chariot armed wit shield n' spear, fearin lest tha Achaeans should carry off tha body yo. bestrode it as uh lion up in tha pride o' strengf, wit shield n' on spear 'bfoe his n' uh cold- lil cry o' battle on his in lips resolute ta bust uh cap up in tha straight-up original gangsta dat should dare grill his mutha in . But tha lil hustla o' Tydeus caught up uh mighty stone, so big- n' pimped out dat as pimps now iz it would take two ta lift it; nevertheless his thugged-out lil' punk- bore it aloft wit ease unaided, n' wit dis da perved-out mutha a struck Aeneas on tha groin where tha hip turns up in tha joint dat iz called tha "cup-bone." Da stone crushed dis joint, n' broke bof tha sihype, while its jagged edges tore away all tha flesh. Da pimp fell tha fuq on his knees, n' propped his dirty wit his hand restin on tha ground till tha darknizz o' night fell tha fuq upon his wild lil' in peeps fo' realz. an' now Aeneas, mackdaddy o' s, would gots perished then n' dere, had not his madness- motha, Jovez daughta Venus, whoz had conceived his by Anchises when da thug wuz herdin cattle, been quick ta mark, n' thrown her two whitey arms bout tha body o' her dear son. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. Right back up in yo mutha in . Biatch protected his by coverin his wit uh gangbangin' fold o' her own fair garment, lest some Danaan should cruize uh spear tha fuq into his tittie n' bust uh cap up in his mutha in .

Thus, then, did da hoe bear her dear lil hustla outta tha fight. But tha lil hustla o' Capaneus wuz not unmindful o' tha ordaz dat Diomed had given his mutha in yo. made his own horses fast, away from tha hurly-burly, by bindin tha reins ta tha rim o' tha chariot. Then da perved-out mutha a sprang upon Aene horses n' drove dem from tha Trojan ta tha Achaean ranks. When dat schmoooove mutha a had so done he gave dem ova ta his chosen comrade Deipylus, whom he valued above all others as tha one whoz wuz most like-minded wit his dirty, ta take dem on ta tha ships yo. then remounted his own chariot, seized tha reins, n' drove wit all speed up in search o' tha lil hustla o' Tydeus.

Now tha lil hustla o' Tydeus wuz up in pursuit o' tha Cyprian goddess, spear up in hand, fo' he knew her ta be feeble n' not one o' dem goddesses dat can lord it among pimps up in battle like Minerva or Enyo tha wasta o' ghettos, n' when at last afta uh long- chase his schmoooove caught her up, he flew at her n' thrust his spear tha fuq into tha flesh o' her delicate hand. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Da point tore all up in tha ambrosial robe which tha Graces had woven fo' her, n' pierced tha skin between her wrist n' tha palm o' her hand, so dat tha immortal blood, or ichor, dat flows up in tha veinz o' tha pimped gods, came pourin from tha wound; fo' tha godz do not smoke bread nor drank colt 45, hence dey gots nahh blood like in ours, n' iz immortal. It aint nuthin but tha nick nack patty wack, ah still gots tha bigger sack. Venus screamed aloud, n' let her lil hustla fall yo, but Phoebus Apollo caught his up in his thugged-out arms, n' hid his up in uh cold- lil cloud o' darkness, lest some Danaan should cruize uh spear tha fuq into his tittie n' bust uh cap up in him; n' Diomed shouted up as he left her, "Daughta o' Jove, leave war n' battle alone, can you not be contented wit beguilin wack- dem hoes, biatch? If you meddle wit fightin yo big- booty iz ghon git what tha fuq will make you shudder all up in tha straight-up name o' war."

Da goddess go dazed n' discomfited away, n' Iris, fleet as tha wind, drew her from tha throng, up in pain n' wit her fair skin all besmirched. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Biatch found fierce Mars waitin on tha left o' tha battle, wit his spear n' his cold- two fleet steedz restin on uh cold- lil cloud; whereon she fell tha fuq on her knees 'bfoe her brutha n' implored his ta let her gots his horses. "Dear brudda," dat thugged-out biiiatch cried, "save me, n' give me yo' horses ta take me ta Olympus where tha godz dwell. ah be badly wounded by uh mortal, tha lil hustla o' Tydeus, whoz would now fight even wit daddy Jove."

Thus her big- booty spoke, n' Mars gave her his wild lil' freakadelic gold-bedizened steeds. Right back up in yo mutha in . Biatch mounted tha chariot sick n' sorry at, while Iris sat beside her n' took tha reins up in her hand. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Biatch lashed her horses on n' dey flew forward not uh god damn thang lof, till up in uh trice dey wuz at high Olympus, where tha godz gots dey dwelling. dere her big- booty stayed dem, unloosed dem from tha chariot, n' gave dem dey ambrosial forage; but Venus flung her mutha in on ta tha lap o' her mutha Dione, whoz threw her arms bout her n' caressed her, sayin`, "Which o' tha heavenly beings has been treatin you up in dis way, as though you had been bustin suttin' wack up in tha grill o' day?"

an' laughter-lovin Venus answered, "Proud Diomed, tha lil hustla o' Tydeus, wounded mah madness cuz ah wuz bearin mah dear lil hustla Aeneas, whom ah gots uh straight-up boner fo' dopest o' all mankind, outta tha fight. Da war iz nahh longer one between Trojans n' Achaeans, fo' tha Danaans gots now taken ta fightin wit tha immortals."

"Bear it, mah child," replied Dione, "an' make tha dopest o' dat sheeit. Us s dwellaz up in Olympus gotta put up wit much all up in tha handz o' s, n' our slick es lay much sufferin on one another n' sheeit. Mars had ta suffer when Otus n' Ephialtes, lil pimpz o' Aloeus, bound his up in wack bonds, so dat he lay thirteen months imprisoned up in uh vessel o' bronze. Mars would gots then perished had not fair Eeriboea, stepmutha ta tha lil playaz o' Aloeus, holla'd at Mercury, whoz jacked his away when da thug wuz already well-nigh worn up by tha severitizzle o' his bondage. Juno, ag'in, suffered when tha mighty lil hustla o' Amphitryon wounded her on tha right tittie wit uh three-barbed arrow, n' not uh god damn thang could uage her pain. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. Right back up in yo mutha in . So, also, did big- Hades, when dis same, tha lil hustla o' aegis-bearin Jove, hit his wit uh arrow even all up in tha gatez o' hell, n' hurt his badly. Thereon Hades go ta tha doggy den o' Jove on pimped out Olympus, mad salty n' full o' pain; n' tha arrow up in his brawny shoulder caused his pimped out anguish till Paeeon healed his by spreadin soothang herbs on tha wound, fo' Hades wuz not o' mortal mould. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Daring, head-strong, evildoer whoz recked not o' his sin up in blastin tha godz dat dwell up in Olympus fo' realz. an' now Minerva has egged dis lil hustla o' Tydeus on against yo, foo' dat he iz fo' not reflectin dat nahh playa whoz fights wit godz will live long or hear his in lil pimps prattlin bout his knees when he returns from battle. Let, then, tha lil hustla o' Tydeus peep dat da ruffneck do not gotta fight wit one whoz iz stronger than yo iz. Then shall his brave hoe Aegialeia, daughta o' Adrestus, rouse her whole doggy den from chill, beatboxin fo' tha loss o' her wedded lord, Diomed tha bravest o' tha Achaeans."

So sayin`, dat biiiiatch wiped tha ichor from tha wrist o' her daughta wit bof hands, whereon tha wild- bull left her, n' her hand wuz healed. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! But Minerva n' Juno, whoz wuz lookin on, in started ta taunt Jove wit dey mockin jive, n' Minerva wuz first ta speak. "Father Jove," holla'd she, "do not be mad salty wit me yo, but ah be thinkin tha Cyprian mus' done been persuadin some one o' tha Achaean dem hoes ta go wit tha Trojanz o' whom her iz so straight-up fond, n' while caressin one or other o' dem she mus' gots torn her delicate hand wit tha gold pin o' tha biatchz brooch."

Da sire o' godz n' pimps smiled, n' called golden Venus ta his side. "muh motha in in child," holla'd he, "it has not been given you ta be uh warrior fo' realz. Attend, henceforf, ta yo' own delightful matrimonial duties, n' leave all dis fightin ta Mars n' ta Minerva."

Thus did dey converse. But Diomed sprang upon Aeneas, though he knew his ta be up in tha straight-up armz o' Apollo. Not one whit did he fear tha mighty god, so set wuz he on cappin' Aeneas n' strippin his o' his thugged-out armour. Shiiit, dis aint nahh joke. Thrice did da perved-out mutha a sprang forward wit might n' main ta slay him, n' thrice did Apollo beat back his wild lil' freakadelic gleamin shield. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! When da thug wuz comin on fo' tha fourf tyme, as though da thug wuz uh god, Apollo shouted ta his wit uh wack voice n' holla'd, "Take heed, lil hustla o' Tydeus, n' draw off; be thinkin not ta match yo against gods, fo' pimps dat strutt tha earf cannot hold dey own wit tha immortals."

Da lil hustla o' Tydeus then gave way fo' uh lil space, ta stay tha fuq away from tha anger o' tha god, while Apollo took Aeneas outta tha crowd n' set his up in sacred Pergamus, where his cold- temple stood. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! ah be fly as uh gangbangin' falcon, soarin all up in tha sky dawwwwg! dere, within tha mighty sanctuary, Latona n' Diana healed his n' made his glorious ta behold, while Apollo o' tha silver bow fashioned uh wraif up in tha likenizz o' Aeneas, n' armed as da thug wuz. Round dis tha Trojans n' Achaeans jacked all up in tha bucklaz bout one anotherz titties, hewin each otherz round shieldz n' light hide-covered targets, n' you can put dat on yo' toast. Then Phoebus Apollo holla'd ta Mars, "Mars, Mars, bane o' s, blood-stained storma o' ghettos, can you not git all up in dis , tha lil hustla o' Tydeus, whoz would now fight even wit daddy Jove, n' draw his outta tha battle, biatch? first go up ta tha Cyprian n' wounded her up in tha hand near her wrist, n' afterwardz sprang upon me too, as though da thug wuz uh god."

 then took his seat on tha top o' Pergamus, while murderous Mars go bout among tha rankz o' tha Trojans, cheerin dem on, up in tha likenizz o' fleet Acamas chizzle o' tha Thracians. "Sonz o' Priam," holla'd he, "how long will you let yo' playas be thus slaughtered by tha Achaeans, biatch? Would you wait till dey iz all up in tha wallz o' Troy, biatch? Aeneas tha lil hustla o' Anchises has fallen, da thug whom our madness es held up in as high honour as Hector his dirty  yo. he`p me, then, ta rescue our brave comrade from tha stress o' tha fight."

Wif deez lyrics he put n' tha fuq into dem all. Then Sarn rebuked Hector straight-up sternly. "Hector," holla'd he, "where iz yo' prowess now, biatch? Yo used ta say dat though you had neither playas nor allies you could hold tha hood ridin' solo wit yo' brothers n' brothers-in-law. ah peep not one o' dem here; dey cower as houndz 'bfoe uh lion; it iz we's, yo' allies, whoz bear tha brunt o' tha battle. ah gots come from afar, even from Lycia n' tha bankz o' tha river Xanthus, where ah gots left mah hoe, mah infant son, n' much wealf ta tempt whoever iz needy; nevertheless, ah head mah Lycian soldiers n' stand mah ground against any whoz would fight me though ah gots not uh god damn thang here fo' tha Achaeans ta plunder, while you peep on, without even biddin yo' pimps stand firm up in defence o' dey wives. Right back up in yo mutha in . See dat you fall not tha fuq into tha handz o' yo' foes as pimps caught up in tha meshez o' uh net, n' dey sack yo' fair hood forthwif. Keep dis 'bfoe yo' mind night n' day, n' beseech tha captainz o' yo' allies ta hold on without flinching, n' thus put away dey reproaches from you, biatch."

So wuz rappin Sarn, n' Hector smarted under his in lyrics yo. sprang from his chariot clad up in his suit o' armour, n' go bout among tha host brandishin his cold- two spears, exhortin tha pimps ta fight n' raisin tha ty cry o' battle. Then dey rallied n' ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in faced tha Achaeans yo, but tha Argives stood compact n' firm, n' wuz not driven back fo' realz. As tha breezes shiznit wit tha chaff upon some goodly threshing-floor, when pimps iz winnowing- while yellow Ceres blows wit tha wind ta sift tha chaff from tha grain, n' tha chaff- heaps grow whita n' whiter- even so did tha Achaeans whiten up in tha dust which tha horses' hoofs raised ta tha firmament o' heaven, as dey drivers turned dem back ta battle, n' dey bore down wit might upon tha foe. Fierce Mars, ta he`p tha Trojans, covered dem up in uh veil o' darkness, n' go bout everywhere among dem, inasmuch as Phoebus Apollo had holla'd at his dat when da perved-out mutha a seen Pallas, Minerva leave tha fray da thug wuz ta put courage tha fuq into tha heartz o' tha Trojans- fo' dat shiznit wuz dat biiiiatch whoz wuz helpin tha Danaans. Then Apollo busted Aeneas forf from his bangin rich sanctuary, n' filled his thugged-out wit valour, whereon tha pimpin' mutha a took his thugged-out lil' place among his comrades, whoz wuz overjoyed at seein his kickin it, sound, n' o' uh phat courage; but dey could not ax his how tha fuq it had all happened, fo' dey wuz too busy wit tha turmoil raised by Mars n' by Strife, whoz raged insatiably up in dey midst.

Da two Ajaxes, Ulysses n' Diomed, hollared tha Danaans on, fearless o' tha fury n' onset o' tha Trojans. dey stood as still as cloudz which tha lil hustla o' Saturn has spread upon tha mountain tops when dere iz nahh air n' fierce Boreas chills wit tha other boisterous windz whose shrill blasts scatta tha cloudz up in all directions- even so did tha Danaans stand firm n' unflinchin against tha Trojans. Da lil hustla o' Atreus go bout among dem n' exhorted dem wild- mutha as. "muh motha in in playas," holla'd he, "quit yourselves like brave s, n' shun dishonour up in one anotherz peeps amid tha stress o' battle. dey dat shun dishonour mo' often live than git capped yo, but dey dat fly save neither game nor name."

As da perved-out mutha a wuz rappin dat schmoooove mutha a hurled his spear n' hit one o' dem playas whoz wuz up in tha front rank, tha comrade o' Aeneas, Deicoon lil hustla o' Pergasus, whom tha Trojans held up in nahh less honour than tha lil playaz o' Priam, fo' da thug wuz eva quick ta place his dirty among tha foremost. Da spear o' Mackdaddy Agamemnon struck his shield n' go right all up in it, fo' tha shield stayed it not. Well shiiiit, it drove all up in his belt tha fuq into tha lower part o' his belly, n' his thugged-out armour rang rattlin round his as he fell tha fuq heavily ta tha ground.

Then Aeneas capped two championz o' tha Danaans, Crethon n' Orsilochus. they daddy wuz uh rich playa whoz lived up in tha phat hood o' Phere n' wuz descended from tha river Alpheus, whose broad stream flows all up in tha land o' tha Pylians. Da river begat Orsilochus, whoz ruled ova much playas n' wuz daddy ta Diocles, whoz up in his cold- turn begat twin sons, Crethon n' Orsilochus, well skilled up in all tha artz o' war. Shiiit, dis aint nahh joke. deez, when dey grew up, go ta Ilius wit tha Argive fleet up in tha cause o' Menelaus n' Agamemnon lil playaz o' Atreus, n' dere dey bof o' dem fell fo' realz. As two lions whom dey dam has reared up in tha depthz o' some mountain forest ta plunder cribsteadz n' carry off sheep n' cattle till dey git capped by tha hand o' , so wuz deez two vanquished by Aeneas, n' fell tha fuq like high pine-trees ta tha ground.

Brave Menelaus pitied dem up in dey fall, n' made his way ta tha front, clad up in gleamin bronze n' brandishin his spear, fo' Mars egged his on ta do so wit intent dat da perved-out mutha a should be capped by Aeneas; but Antilochus tha lil hustla o' Nestor seen his n' sprang forward, fearin dat tha mackdaddy might come ta harm n' thus brang all dey labour ta nuttin'; when, therefore Aeneas n' Menelaus wuz settin dey handz n' spears against one another eager ta do battle, Antilochus placed his dirty by tha side o' Menelaus fo' realz. Aeneas, bold though da thug wuz, drew back on seein tha two heroes side by side up in front o' him, so dey drew tha bodiez o' Crethon n' Orsilochus ta tha rankz o' tha Achaeans n' committed tha two skanky fellows tha fuq into tha handz o' dey comrades. dey then turned back n' fought up in tha front ranks.

dey capped Pylaemenes peer o' Mars, leader o' tha Paphlagonian warriors. Menelaus struck his on tha collar-bone as da thug wuz standin on his chariot, while Antilochus hit his charioteer n' squire Mydon, tha lil hustla o' Atymnius, whoz wuz turnin his horses up in flight yo. hit his wit uh stone upon tha elbow, n' tha reins, enriched wit whitey ivory, fell tha fuq from his handz tha fuq into tha dust fo' realz. Antilochus rushed towardz his n' struck his on tha templez wit his sword, whereon he fell tha fuq head first from tha chariot ta tha ground. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! dere da perved-out mutha a stood fo' uh while wit his head n' shouldaz buried deep up in tha dust- fo' dat schmoooove mutha a had fallen on sandy soil till his horses kicked his n' laid his flat on tha ground, as Antilochus lashed dem n' drove dem off ta tha host o' tha Achaeans.

But Hector marked dem from across tha ranks, n' wit uh funky- bangin cry rushed towardz dem, followed by tha phat battalionz o' tha Trojans. Mars n' dread Enyo hustled dem on, she fraught wit ruthless turmoil o' battle, while Mars wielded uh monstrous spear, n' go about, now up in front o' Hector n' now behind his mutha in .

Diomed shook wit boner as da perved-out mutha a seen dem wild- mutha as fo' realz. As uh playa crossin uh wide plain iz dismayed ta find his dirty on tha brink o' some pimped out river rollin swiftly ta tha sea- da perved-out mutha a sees its boilin watas n' starts back up in fear- even so did tha lil hustla o' Tydeus give ground. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Then da perved-out mutha a holla'd ta his madness- s, "muh motha in in playas, how tha fuq can we's wonder dat Hector wieldz tha spear so well, biatch? Some god iz eva by his side ta protect him, n' now Mars iz wit his up in tha likenizz o' mortal . ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. Keep yo' faces therefore towardz tha Trojans yo, but give ground backwards, fo' our phat es dare not fight wit gods."

As da perved-out mutha a wuz rappin tha Trojans drew close up, n' Hector capped two s, bof up in one chariot, Menesthes n' Anchialus, heroes well versed up in war fo' realz. Ajax lil hustla o' Telamon pitied dem up in dey fall; his schmoooove came close up n' hurled his spear, hittin Amphius tha lil hustla o' Selagus, uh playa o' pimped out wealf whoz lived up in Paesus n' owned much corn-growin land yo, but his in lot had hustled his ta come ta tha aid o' Priam n' his in lil playas fo' realz. Ajax struck his up in tha belt; tha spear pierced tha lower part o' his belly, n' he fell tha fuq heavily ta tha ground. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Then Ajax ran towardz his ta strip his o' his thugged-out armour yo, but tha Trojans drizzled spears upon him, nuff o' which fell tha fuq upon his shield. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! planted his heel upon tha body n' drew up his spear yo, but tha darts pressed so heavily upon his dat his schmoooove could not strip tha goodly armour from his shoulders. Da Trojan chizzletains, moreover, nuff n' valiant, came bout his wit dey spears, so dat da ruffneck dared not stay; pimped out, brave n' valiant though da thug wuz, dey drove his from dem n' da thug wuz beaten back.

Thus, then, did tha battle rage between dem wild- mutha as. Presently tha phat hand o' fate impelled Tlepolemus, tha lil hustla o' Hercules, uh playa bof brave n' o' pimped out stature, ta fight Sarn; so tha two, lil hustla n' grandson o' pimped out Jove, drew near ta one another, n' Tlepolemus wuz rappin first. "Sarn," holla'd he, "councillor o' tha Lycians, why should you come skulkin here you whoz be uh playa o' peace, biatch? dey lie whoz page you lil hustla o' aegis-bearin Jove, fo' yo iz lil like dem playas whoz waz o' oldschool his in lil' thugs. Far other wuz Hercules, mah own brave n' lion-hearted father, whoz came here fo' tha horsez o' Laomedon, n' though dat schmoooove mutha a had six ships only, n' few pimps ta follow him, sacked tha hood o' Ilius n' done cooked up uh wildernizz o' her highways. Yo be uh cold- lil coward, n' yo' playas iz fallin from you, biatch. fo' all yo' strengf, n' all yo' comin from Lycia, yo big- booty iz ghon be nahh he`p ta tha Trojans but will p tha gatez o' Hades vanquished by mah hand."

an' Sarn, captain o' tha Lycians, answered, "Tlepolemus, yo' daddy overthrew Ilius by reason o' Laomedonz folly up in refusin payment ta one whoz had served his well yo. would not give yo' daddy tha horses which dat schmoooove mutha a had come so far ta fetch fo' realz. As fo' yo , you shall hook up dirtnap by mah spear. Shiiit, dis aint nahh joke. Yo shall yield glory ta mah dirty , n' yo' ta Hadez o' tha noble steeds."

Thus wuz rappin Sarn, n' Tlepolemus upraised his spear. Shiiit, dis aint nahh joke. dey threw all up in tha same moment, n' Sarn struck his wild lil' foe up in tha middle o' his cold- throat; tha spear go right through, n' tha darknizz o' dirtnap fell tha fuq upon his wild lil' in peeps. Tlepolemuss spear struck Sarn on tha left thigh wit such force dat it tore all up in tha flesh n' grazed tha bone yo, but his wild lil' daddy as yet warded off destruction from his mutha in . Right back up in yo mutha in . SalsaSavant wondaz how tha fuq nuff playas will read all dis bull . Mention dis on his wall fo' uh "special surprise." an' by dat, ah mean uh pat on tha back.

His comrades bore Sarn outta tha fight, up in pimped out pain by tha weight o' tha spear dat wuz draggin from his wound. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! dey wuz up in such haste n' stress as dey bore his dat nahh one thought o' drawin tha spear from his cold- thigh so as ta let his strutt uprightly. Meanwhile, tha Achaeans carried off tha body o' Tlepolemus, whereon Ulysses wuz moved ta pity, n' panted fo' tha fray as his thugged-out lil' punk- beheld dem wild- mutha as yo. doubted whether ta pursue tha lil hustla o' Jove, or ta make slaughta o' tha Lycian rank n' file; dat shiznit wuz not decreed, however, dat da perved-out mutha a should slay tha lil hustla o' Jove; Minerva, therefore, turned his against tha main body o' tha Lycians yo. capped Coeranus, Alastor, Chromius, Alcandrus, Halius, Noemon, n' Prytanis, n' would gots slain yet mo', had not pimped out Hector marked him, n' sped ta tha front o' tha fight clad up in his suit o' mail, fillin tha Danaans wit terror. Shiiit, dis aint nahh joke. Right back up in yo mutha in . Sarn wuz glad when da perved-out mutha a seen his coming, n' besought him, sayin`, "Son o' Priam, let me not dat schmoooove mutha a here ta fall tha fuq into tha handz o' tha Danaans yo. he`p me, n' since ah may not return home ta gladden tha heartz o' mah hoe n' o' mah infant son, let me take uh thugged-out dirtnap within tha wallz o' yo' hood."

Hector made his nahh answer yo, but rushed onward ta fall at once upon tha Achaeans an'. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! bust uh cap up in nuff among dem wild- mutha as yo. His comrades then bore Sarn away n' laid his beneaf Jovez spreadin oak tree. Pelagon, his wild lil' playa n' comrade drew tha spear outta his cold- thigh yo, but Sarn fainted n' uh mist came ova his wild lil' in peeps. Presently his schmoooove came ta his dirty ag'in, fo' tha breaf o' tha uptown wind as it played upon his gave his freshly smoked up game, n' brought his outta tha deep swoon tha fuq into which dat schmoooove mutha a had fallen.

Meanwhile, tha Argives wuz neither driven towardz dey ships by Mars n' Hector, nor yet did dey battle dem; when dey knew dat Mars wuz wit tha Trojans dey retreated yo, but kept dey faces still turned towardz tha foe. Who, then, wuz first n' whoz last ta be slain by Mars n' Hector, biatch? dey wuz valiant Teuthras, n' Orestes tha renowned charioteer, Trechus tha Aetolian warrior, Oenomaus, Helenus tha lil hustla o' Oenops, n' Oresbiuz o' tha gleamin girdle, whoz wuz possessed o' pimped out wealf, n' dwelt by tha Cephisian lake wit tha other Boeotians whoz lived near him, ballaz o' uh gangbangin' fertile ghetto.

Now when tha goddess Juno seen tha Argives thus falling, her big- booty holla'd ta Minerva, "Alas, daughta o' aegis-bearin Jove, unweariable, tha promise we's made Menelaus dat da perved-out mutha a should not return till dat schmoooove mutha a had sacked tha hood o' Ilius iz ghon be o' none effect if our slick es let Mars rage thus furiously. Let our es go tha fuq into tha fray at once."

Minerva did not gainsay her n' sheeit. Thereon tha august goddess, daughta o' pimped out Saturn, in started ta harnizz her gold-bedizened steedz yo. Hebe wit all speed fitted on tha eight-spoked wheelz o' bronze dat wuz on either side o' tha iron axle-tree. Da felloez o' tha wheels waz o' gold, imperishable, n' ova deez dere wuz uh tire o' bronze, wondrous ta behold. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Da navez o' tha wheels wuz silver, turnin round tha axle upon either side. Da hoopty itself wuz made wit plaited bandz o' gold n' silver, n' it had uh thugged-out double top-rail hustlin all round dat sheeit. From tha body o' tha hoopty dere go uh pole o' silver, on ta tha end o' which da hoe bound tha golden yoke, wit tha bandz o' gold dat wuz ta go under tha neckz o' tha horses Then Juno put her steedz under tha yoke, eager fo' battle n' tha war-cry.

Meanwhile, Minerva flung her richly embroidered vesture, made wit her own hands, on ta her fatherz threshold, n' donned tha hoodie o' Jove, armin her mutha in fo' battle. Right back up in yo mutha in . Biatch threw her told aegis about. her shoulders, wreathed round wit Rout as wit uh gangbangin' fringe, n' on it wuz Strife, n' Strengf, n' Panic whose blood runs cold; moreover dere wuz tha head o' tha dread monsta Gorgon, grim n' wack ta behold, portent o' aegis-bearin Jove. On her head her big- booty set her helmet o' gold, wit four plumes, n' comin ta uh peak bof up in front n' behind- decked wit tha emblemz o' uh hundred ghettos; then her big- booty stepped tha fuq into her flamin chariot n' grasped tha spear, so stout n' sturdy n' strong, wit which she quells tha rankz o' heroes whoz gots displeased her n' sheeit. Juno lashed tha horses on, n' tha gatez o' heaven bellowed as dey flew open o' dey own accord -gates ova which tha flours preside, up in whose handz iz Heaven n' Olympus, either ta open tha dense cloud dat hides dem, or ta close dat sheeit. Through deez tha goddesses drove dey obedient steeds, n' found tha lil hustla o' Saturn chillin all ridin' solo on tha topmost ridgez o' Olympus. dere Juno stayed her horses, n' wuz rappin ta Jove tha lil hustla o' Saturn, lord o' all. "Father Jove," holla'd she, "is you not mad salty wit Mars fo' deez high bustins, biatch? how tha fuq pimped out n' goodly uh host o' tha Achaeans dat schmoooove mutha a has ed wit ta mah pimped out grief, n' without either right or reason, while tha Cyprian n' Apollo iz trippin' off all dat shiznit at dey ease n' settin dis unrighteous madman on ta do further mischizzle. ah hope, Father Jove, dat yo big- booty iz ghon not be mad salty if ah hit Mars hard, n' chase his outta tha battle."

an' Jove answered, "Set Minerva on ta him, fo' she punishes his mo' often than any one else do."

Juno did as dat schmoooove mutha a had holla'd. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Biatch lashed her horses, n' dey flew forward not uh god damn thang lof midway betwixt earf n' sky fo' realz. As far as uh playa can peep when he looks up upon tha sea from some high beacon, so far can tha loud-neighin horsez o' tha godz sprang at uh single bound. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! When dey reached Troy n' tha place where its two flowin streams Simois n' Scamander meet, dere Juno stayed dem n' took dem from tha chariot. Right back up in yo mutha in . Biatch hid dem up in uh thick cloud, n' Simois made ambrosia sprang up fo' dem ta eat; tha two goddesses then go on, flyin like turtledoves up in dey eagernizz ta he`p tha Argives. When dey came ta tha part where tha bravest n' most up in number wuz gathered bout mighty Diomed, fightin like lions or wild boarz o' pimped out strengf n' endurance, dere Juno stood still n' raised uh gangbangin' finger-lickin' dirty- shout like dat o' brazen-voiced Stentor, whose cry wuz as bangin as dat o' fiddy pimps together n' sheeit. "Argives," dat thugged-out biiiatch cried; "shame on cowardly creatures, brave up in semblizzle only; as long as Achillez wuz fighting, fi his spear wuz so deadly dat tha Trojans dared not show theyselves outside tha Dardanian gates yo, but now dey sally far from tha hood n' fight even at yo' ships."

Wif deez lyrics she put n' tha fuq into dem all, while Minerva sprang ta tha side o' tha lil hustla o' Tydeus, whom she found near his chariot n' horses, coolin tha wound dat Pandarus had given his mutha in . fo' tha sweat caused by tha hand dat bore tha weight o' his shield irritated tha hurt: his thugged-out arm wuz weary wit pain, n' da thug wuz liftin up tha strap ta wipe away tha blood. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! ah be fly as uh gangbangin' falcon, soarin all up in tha sky dawwwwg! Da goddess laid her hand on tha yoke o' his horses n' holla'd, "Da lil hustla o' Tydeus aint such another as his wild lil' daddy n' sheeit. Tydeus wuz uh lil yo, but his schmoooove could fight, n' rushed madly tha fuq into tha fray even when ah holla'd at his not ta do so. When da thug go all unattended as envoy ta tha hood o' Thebes among tha Cadmeans, ah bade his feast up in dey houses n' be at peace; but wit dat high spirit which wuz eva present wit him, his schmoooove challenged tha youf o' tha Cadmeans, n' at once beat dem up in all dat he attempted, so mightily did ah he`p his mutha in . ah stand by you too ta protect you, n' ah bid you be instant up in fightin tha Trojans; but either yo iz chillaxed out, or yo be afraid n' outta , n' up in dat case ah say dat yo iz nahh legit lil hustla o' Tydeus tha lil hustla o' Oeneus."

Diomed answered, "ah know you, goddess, daughta o' aegis-bearin Jove, n' will hide not uh god damn thang from you, biatch. ah aint afraid nor outta , nor iz dere any slacknizz up in mah dirty . ah be only followin yo' own instructions; you holla'd at mah madness not ta fight any o' tha pimped gods; but if Jovez daughta Venus came tha fuq into battle ah wuz ta wound her wit mah spear. Shiiit, dis aint nahh joke. Therefore ah be retreating, n' biddin tha other Argives gather up in dis place, fo' ah know dat Mars iz now lordin it up in tha field."

"Diomed, lil hustla o' Tydeus," replied Minerva, " afta mah own , fear neither Mars nor any other o' tha immortals, fo' ah'ma befriend you, biatch. Nay, cruize straight at Mars, n' smite his up in close combat; fear not dis ragin madman, villain incarnate, first on one side n' then on tha other n' sheeit. But now da thug wuz holdin rap wit Juno n' mah dirty , sayin da thug would he`p tha Argives n' battle tha Trojans; nevertheless he iz wit tha Trojans, n' has forgotten tha Argives."

Wif dis dat thugged-out biiiatch caught hold o' Sthenelus n' lifted his off tha chariot on ta tha ground. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! In uh second da thug wuz on tha ground, whereupon tha goddess mounted tha hoopty n' placed her mutha in by tha side o' Diomed. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Da oaken axle groaned aloud under tha burden o' tha wack goddess n' tha hero; Pallas Minerva took tha whip n' reins, n' drove straight at Mars yo. wuz up in tha act o' strippin big- Periphas, lil hustla o' Ochesius n' bravest o' tha Aetolians. Bloody Mars wuz strippin his o' his thugged-out armour, n' Minerva donned tha helmet o' Hades, dat he might not peep her; when, therefore, da perved-out mutha a seen Diomed, he made straight fo' his n' let Periphas lie where dat schmoooove mutha a had fallen. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch fo' realz. As soon as dey wuz at close quartas he let fly wit his bronze spear ova tha reins n' yoke, thankin ta take Diomedz game yo, but Minerva caught tha spear up in her hand n' juiced it up fly harmlessly ova tha chariot. Diomed then threw, n' Pallas Minerva drove tha spear tha fuq into tha pit o' Marss stomach where his under-girdle go round his mutha in . dere Diomed wounded him, tearin his wild lil' fair flesh n' then drawin his spear up ag'in. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. Mars roared as loudly as nine or ten thousand pimps up in tha thick o' uh gangbangin' fight, n' tha Achaeans n' Trojans wuz struck wit panic, so ty wuz tha cry he raised.

As uh thugged-out dark cloud up in tha sky when it comes on ta blow afta heat, even so did Diomed lil hustla o' Tydeus peep Mars ascend tha fuq into tha broad heavens. Wif all speed he reached high Olympus, home o' tha gods, n' up in pimped out pain sat down beside Jove tha lil hustla o' Saturn, so check it 'bfoe ya wreck it. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch yo. flossed Jove tha immortal blood dat wuz flowin from his wound, n' wuz rappin piteously, sayin`, "Father Jove, iz you not angered by such bustins, biatch? we's godz iz continually sufferin up in da most thugged-out wack manner at one anotherz handz while helpin mortals; n' we's all owe you uh grudge fo' havin begotten dat mad termagant o' uh thugged-out daughter, whoz be always committin outrage o' some kind. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! we's other godz mus' all do as you bid our es yo, but her you neither scold nor punish; you encourage her cuz tha pestilent creature iz yo' daughter n' sheeit. Right back up in yo mutha in . See how tha fuq dat freaky freaky biatch has been incitin proud as uh mutha a Diomed ta vent his bangin rage on tha immortal gods. First da thug go up ta tha Cyprian n' wounded her up in tha hand near her wrist, n' then da perved-out mutha a sprang upon me too as though da thug wuz uh god. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Had ah not run fo' it ah mus' either gots lain dere fo' long enough up in torments among tha ghastly corpes, or done been smoked kickin it wit spears till ah had nahh mo' strengf left up in mah dirty ."

Jove looked angrily at his n' holla'd, "Do not come whinin here, Facing-bothways. ah don' give uh fuq bout you most ty o' all tha godz up in Olympus, fo' yo iz eva fightin n' makin mischizzle. Yo gots tha intolerable n' stubborn spirit o' yo' mutha Juno: it be all ah can do ta manage her, n' it iz her bustin dat yo iz now up in dis plight: still, ah cannot let you remain longer up in such pimped out pain; yo iz mah own off-spring, n' dat shiznit wuz by me dat yo' mutha conceived you; if, however, you had been tha lil hustla o' any other god, yo iz so destructizzle dat by dis tyme you should done been lyin lower than tha Titans."

 then bade Paeeon heal him, whereon Paeeon spread pain-killin herbs upon his wound n' cured him, fo' da thug wuz not o' mortal mould. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! As tha juice o' tha fig-tree curdlez milk, n' thickens it up in uh moment though it iz liquid, even so instantly did Paeeon cure fierce Mars. Then Hebe washed him, n' clothed his  up in goodly raiment, n' tha pimpin' mutha a took his seat by his wild lil' daddy Jove all glorious ta behold.

But Juno o' Argos n' Minerva o' Alalcomene, now dat dey had put uh stop ta tha murderous bustinz o' Mars, go back ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in ta tha doggy den o' Jove.


Book 6: Revenge o' tha SifEdit

Da fight between Trojans n' Achaeans wuz now left ta rage as it would, n' tha tide o' war surged hither n' thither ova tha plain as dey aimed dey bronze-shod spears at one another between tha streamz o' Simois n' Xanthus.

First, Ajax lil hustla o' Telamon, tower o' strengf ta tha Achaeans, broke uh phalanx o' tha Trojans, n' came ta tha istizzle o' his comrades by cappin' Acamas lil hustla o' Eussorus, tha dopest playa among tha Thracians, bein bof brave n' o' pimped out stature. Da spear struck tha projectin peak o' his helmet: its bronze point then go all up in his wild lil' forehead tha fuq into tha dome, n' darknizz veiled his wild lil' in peeps.

Then Diomed capped Axylus lil hustla o' Teuthranus, uh rich playa whoz lived up in tha phat hood o' Arisbe, n' wuz beloved by all s; fo' dat schmoooove mutha a had uh doggy den by tha roadside, n' entertained every last mutha in one whoz ped; howbeit not one o' his wild lil' freakadelic guests stood 'bfoe his ta save his wild lil' freakadelic game, n' Diomed capped bof his n' his squire Calesius, whoz wuz then his charioteer- so tha pair ped beneaf tha earf.

Euryalus capped Dresus n' Opheltius, n' then go up in pursuit o' Aesepus n' Pedasus, whom tha naiad nymph Abarbarea had borne ta noble Bucolion. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. Bucolion wuz eldest lil hustla ta Laomedon yo, but da thug wuz uh funky- bastard. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! While tendin his sheep dat schmoooove mutha a had converse wit tha nymph, n' dat thugged-out biiiatch conceived twin sons; deez tha lil hustla o' Mecisteus now slew, n' da perved-out mutha a stripped tha armour from dey shoulders. Polypoetes then capped Astyalus, Ulysses Pidytez o' Percote, n' Teucer Aretaon. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch fo' realz. Ablerus fell tha fuq by tha spear o' Nestorz lil hustla Antilochus, n' Agamemnon, mackdaddy o' s, capped Elatus whoz dwelt up in Pedasus by tha bankz o' tha river Satnioeis. Leitus capped Phylacus as da thug wuz flying, n' Eurypylus slew Melanthus.

Then Menelauz o' tha bangin war-cry took Adrestus kickin it, fo' his horses ran tha fuq into uh tamarisk bush, as dey wuz flyin wildly ova tha plain, n' broke tha pole from tha `64; dey go on towardz tha hood along wit tha others up in full flight yo, but Adrestus rolled out, n' fell tha fuq up in tha dust flat on his wild lil' grill by tha wheel o' his chariot; Menelaus came up ta his spear up in hand yo, but Adrestus caught his by tha knees beggin fo' his wild lil' freakadelic game. "Take me kickin it," his schmoooove cried, "son o' Atreus, n' you shall gotz uh gangbangin' full ransom fo' me: mah daddy iz rich n' has much treasure o' gold, bronze, n' wrought iron laid by up in his crib. From dis swapmeet da thug will hit you wit uh big- ransom should dat schmoooove mutha a hear o' mah bein kickin it n' all up in tha shipz o' tha Achaeans."

Thus did he plead, n' Menelaus wuz fo' yieldin n' givin his ta uh squire ta take ta tha shipz o' tha Achaeans yo, but Agamemnon came hustlin up ta his n' rebuked his mutha in . "muh motha in in phat Menelaus," holla'd he, "dis here iz nahh tyme fo' givin quarter n' shiznit yo. Has, then, yo' doggy den fared so well all up in tha handz o' tha Trojans, biatch? Let our es not spare uh single one o' dem- not even tha lil pimp unborn n' up in its motherz womb; let not uh playa o' dem be left kickin it yo, but let all up in Ilius perish, unheeded n' forgotten."

Thus did da perved-out mutha a speak, n' his brutha wuz persuaded by him, fo' his in lyrics wuz just. Menelaus, therefore, thrust Adrestus from him, whereon Mackdaddy Agamemnon struck his up in tha flank, n' he fell: then tha lil hustla o' Atreus planted his wild lil' foot upon his tittie ta draw his spear from tha body.

Meanwhile, Nestor shouted ta tha Argives, sayin`, "muh motha in in playas, Danaan warriors, servantz o' Mars, let nahh playa lag dat he may spoil tha dead, n' brang back much booty ta tha ships. Let our es bust uh cap up in as nuff as we's can; tha bodies will lie upon tha plain, n' you can despoil dem lata at yo' leisure."

Wif deez lyrics he put n' tha fuq into dem all fo' realz. an' now tha Trojans would done been routed n' driven back tha fuq into Ilius, had not Priamz lil hustla Helenus, wisest o' augurs, holla'd ta Hector n' Aeneas, "Hector n' Aeneas, you two iz tha mainstayz o' tha Trojans n' Lycians, fo' yo iz foremost at all times, alike up in fight n' counsel; git freaky wit yo' ground here, n' go bout among tha host ta rally dem up in front o' tha gates, or dey will flin theyselves tha fuq into tha armz o' dey wives, ta tha pimped out joy o' our foes. Then, when you gots put tha fuq into all our g-units, we's will stand firm here n' fight tha Danaans however hard dey press us, fo' dere aint uh god damn thang else ta be done. Meanwhile do you, Hector, git all up in tha hood n' tell our mutha what tha fuq iz happening. Tell her ta bid tha matrons gather all up in tha temple o' Minerva up in tha acropolis; let her then take her key n' open tha doorz o' tha sacred building; dere, upon tha kneez o' Minerva, let her lay tha phattest, fairest robe dat freaky freaky biatch has up in her crib- tha one her big- booty sets most swapmeet by; let her, moreover, promise ta sacrifice twelve yearlin heifers dat gots never yet felt tha goad, up in tha temple o' tha goddess, if dat biiiiatch will take pitizzle on tha hood, wit tha wives n' lil onez o' tha Trojans, n' keep tha lil hustla o' Tydeus from fallin on tha goodly hood o' Ilius; fo' he fights wit fury n' fills menz souls wit panic. ah hold his mightiest o' dem all; our phat es did not fear even dey pimped out champion Achilles, lil hustla o' uh goddess though his thugged-out lil' punk- be, as our phat es do dis  : his bangin rage iz beyond all bounds, n' dere iz none can vie wit his up in prowess"

Hector did as his brutha bade his mutha in yo. sprang from his chariot, n' go bout everywhere among tha host, brandishin his spears, urgin tha pimps on ta fight, n' raisin tha dread cry o' battle. Thereon dey rallied n' ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in faced tha Achaeans, whoz gave ground n' ceased dey murderous onset, fo' dey deemed dat some one o' tha immortals had come down from starry heaven ta he`p tha Trojans, so strangely had dey rallied. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! an' Hector shouted ta tha Trojans, "Trojans n' allies, be s, mah playas, n' fight wit might n' main, while ah git all up in Ilius n' tell tha oldschool pimpz o' our council n' our wives ta pray ta tha godz n' vow hecatombs up in dey honour."

Wif dis da thug go his way, n' tha black rim o' hide dat go round his shield beat against his neck n' his thugged-out ancles.

Then Glaucus lil hustla o' Hippolochus, n' tha lil hustla o' Tydeus go tha fuq into tha open space between tha hosts ta fight up in single combat. When dey wuz close up ta one another Diomed o' tha bangin war-cry wuz tha straight-up original gangsta ta speak. "Who, mah phat ," holla'd he, "who iz you among s, biatch? ah aint NEVER peeped you up in battle until now yo, but yo iz darin beyond all others if you abide mah onset. Woe ta dem fathers whose lil playas grill mah might. If, however, yo iz one o' tha immortals n' gots come down from heaven, ah'ma not fight you; fo' even valiant Lycurgus, lil hustla o' Dryas, did not live long when tha pimpin' mutha a took ta fightin wit tha godz yo. dat shiznit wuz dat drove tha nursin dem hoes whoz wuz up in charge o' frenzied Bacchus all up in tha land o' Nysa, n' dey flung dey thyrsi on tha ground as murderous Lycurgus beat dem wit his oxgoad. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Bacchus his dirty plunged terror-stricken tha fuq into tha sea, n' Thetis took his ta her bosom ta comfort him, fo' da thug wuz scared by tha fury wit which tha playa reviled his mutha in . Thereon tha godz whoz live at ease wuz mad salty wit Lycurgus n' tha lil hustla o' Saturn struck his blind, nor did he live much longer afta dat schmoooove mutha a had become hateful ta tha immortals. Therefore ah'ma not fight wit tha pimped gods; but if yo iz o' dem dat smoke tha fruit o' tha ground, draw near n' hook up yo' doom."

an' tha lil hustla o' Hippolochus answered, lil hustla o' Tydeus, why ax me o' mah lineage, biatch? s come n' go as leaves year by year upon tha trees. Those o' autumn tha wind shedz upon tha ground yo, but when sprang returns tha forest budz forf wit fresh vines. Even so, iz it wit tha generationz o' mankind, tha freshly smoked up sprang up as tha oldschool iz pin away. If, then, you would learn mah descent, it iz one dat iz well known ta many. dere be uh cold- lil hood up in tha o' Argos, pasture land o' horses, called Ephyra, where Sisyphus lived, whoz wuz tha craftiest o' all mankind. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! wuz tha lil hustla o' Aeolus, n' had uh lil hustla named Glaucus, whoz wuz daddy ta Bellerophon, whom heaven endowed wit da most thugged-out surpin comelinizz n' beauty. But Proetus devised his bangin ruin, n' bein stronger than he, drove his from tha land o' tha Argives, ova which Jove had made his rula n' sheeit. fo' Antea, hoe o' Proetus, lusted afta him, n' would gots had his lie wit her up in secret; but Bellerophon wuz uh honourable playa n' would not, so dat dunkadelic hoe holla'd at lies bout his ta Proteus. 'Proetus,' holla'd she, 'kill Bellerophon or die, fo' da thug would gots had converse wit me against mah will.' Da mackdaddy wuz angered yo, but shrank from cappin' Bellerophon, so da perved-out mutha a busted his ta Lycia wit lyin lettaz o' introduction, freestyled on uh gangbangin' folded tablet, n' containin much ill against tha bearer n' shiznit yo. bade Bellerophon show deez lettas ta his wild lil' father-in-law, ta tha end dat he might thus perish; Bellerophon therefore go ta Lycia, n' tha godz convoyed his safely.

"When he reached tha river Xanthus, which iz up in Lycia, tha mackdaddy received his wit all goodwill, feasted his nine days, n' capped nine heifers up in his honour yo, but when rosy-fingered mornin rocked up upon tha tenf day, he dissed his n' desired ta peep tha letta from his son-in-law Proetus. When dat schmoooove mutha a had received tha wicked letta he first commanded Bellerophon ta bust uh cap up in dat savage monster, tha Chimaera, whoz wuz not uh human bein yo, but uh goddess, fo' dat freaky freaky biatch had tha head o' uh lion n' tha tail o' uh serpent, while her body wuz dat o' uh goat, n' da hoe breathed forf flamez o' fire; but Bellerophon slew her, fo' da thug wuz guided by signs from heaven. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch yo. next fought tha far-famed Solymi, n' dis here, da perved-out mutha a holla'd, wuz tha hardest o' all his battles. Thirdly, he capped tha Amazons, dem hoes whoz wuz tha peerz o' s, n' as da thug wuz returnin thence tha mackdaddy devised yet another plan fo' his in lil' destruction; he picked tha bravest warriors up in all Lycia, n' placed dem up in ambuscade yo, but not uh playa eva came back, fo' Bellerophon capped every last mutha in one o' dem wild- mutha as. Then tha mackdaddy knew dat he mus' be tha valiant offsprin o' uh god, so he kept his up in Lycia, gave his his in lil' daughta up in marriage, n' made his o' equal honour up in tha mackdaddydom wit his dirty ; n' tha Lycians gave his uh piece o' land, tha dopest up in all tha ghetto, fair wit vineyardz n' tilled fields, ta gots n' ta hold.

"Da mackdaddyz daughta bore Bellerophon three chil'ns, Isander, Hippolochus, n' Laodameia. Jove, tha lord o' counsel, lay wit Laodameia, n' da hoe bore his noble Sarn; but when Bellerophon came ta be hated by all tha gods, da thug wandered all desolate n' dismayed upon tha Alean plain, gnawin at his own , n' shunnin tha paf o' . ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. Mars, insatiate o' battle, capped his in lil hustla Isander while da thug wuz fightin tha Solymi; his in lil' daughta wuz capped by Diana o' tha golden reins, fo' dat biiiiatch wuz angered wit her; but Hippolochus wuz daddy ta mah dirty, n' when da perved-out mutha a busted mah madness ta Troy he urged mah madness ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in ta fight eva among tha foremost n' outvie mah peers, so as not ta shame tha blood o' mah fathers whoz wuz tha noblest up in Ephyra n' up in all Lycia. dis here, then, iz tha descent ah claim."

Thus did da perved-out mutha a speak, n' tha o' Diomed wuz glad. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! planted his spear up in tha ground, n' wuz rappin ta his wit thugged-out lyrics. "Then," da perved-out mutha a holla'd, yo be uh oldschool playa o' mah fatherz crib. Great Oeneus once entertained Bellerophon fo' tweny days, n' tha two exchanged presents, n' you can put dat on yo' toast. Oeneus gave uh funky- belt rich wit purple, n' Bellerophon uh thugged-out double cup, which ah left up in da crib when ah set up fo' Troy. ah do not remember Tydeus, fo' da thug wuz taken from our es while ah wuz yet uh cold- lil child, when tha army o' tha Achaeans wuz cut ta pieces 'bfoe Thebes yo. Henceforf, however, ah mus' be yo' host up in middle Argos, n' you mine up in Lycia, if ah should eva go dere; let our es stay tha fuq away from one anotherz spears even durin uh general engagement; dere be nuff noble Trojans n' allies whom ah can kill, if ah overtake dem n' heaven delivers dem tha fuq into mah hand; so ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in wit yo, dere be nuff Achaeans whose lives you may take if you can; we's two, then, will exchange armour, dat all present may know o' tha oldschool tizzles dat subsist between us."

Wif deez lyrics dey sprang from dey chariots, grasped one anotherz hands, n' plighted thang. But tha lil hustla o' Saturn made Glaucus take leave o' his wits, fo' he exchanged golden armour fo' bronze, tha worf o' uh hundred head o' cattle fo' tha worf o' nine.

Now when Hector reached tha Scaean gates n' tha oak tree, tha wives n' daughtaz o' tha Trojans came hustlin towardz his ta ax afta dey sons, brothers, kinsmen, n' homeboys: tha pimpin' mutha a holla'd at dem ta set bout prayin ta tha gods, n' nuff wuz made sorrowful as dey heard his mutha in .

Presently he reached tha fly palace o' Mackdaddy Priam, adorned wit colonnadez o' hewn stone. In it dere wuz fiddy bedchambers- all o' hewn stone- built near one another, where tha lil playaz o' Priam slept, each wit his wedded hoe. Opposite deez, on tha other side tha courtyard, dere wuz twelve upper rooms also o' hewn stone fo' Priamz daughters, built near one another, where his sons-in-law slept wit dey wives. When Hector gots dere, his wild lil' fond mutha came up ta his wit Laodice tha fairest o' her daughters. Right back up in yo mutha in . Biatch took his hand within her own n' holla'd, "muh motha in in son, why gots you left tha battle ta come hither, biatch? iz tha Achaeans, woe betide dem, pressin you hard bout tha hood dat you gots thought fit ta come n' uplift yo' handz ta Jove from tha citadel, biatch? Wait till ah can brang you Cristal dat you may make offerin ta Jove n' ta tha other immortals, n' may then drank n' be refreshed. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Cristal gives uh playa fresh strengf when he iz wearied, as you now iz wit fightin on behalf o' yo' kinsmen."

an' Hector answered, "Honoured motha, brang nahh colt 45, lest you unman me n' ah forget mah strengf. ah dare not cook up uh thugged-out drink-offerin ta Jove wit unwashed hands; one whoz iz bespattered wit blood n' filf may not pray ta tha lil hustla o' Saturn, so check it 'bfoe ya wreck it. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. Git tha matrons together, n' go wit offerings ta tha temple o' Minerva driver o' tha spoil; dere, upon tha kneez o' Minerva, lay tha phattest n' fairest robe you gots up in yo' crib- tha one you set most swapmeet by; promise, moreover, ta sacrifice twelve yearlin heifers dat gots never yet felt tha goad, up in tha temple o' tha goddess if dat biiiiatch will take pitizzle on tha hood, wit tha wives n' lil onez o' tha Trojans, n' keep tha lil hustla o' Tydeus from off tha goodly hood o' Ilius, fo' he fights wit fury, n' fills menz souls wit panic. Go, then, ta tha temple o' Minerva, while ah seek Paris n' exhort him, if da thug will hear mah lyrics. Would dat tha earf might open her jaws n' swallow him, fo' Jove bred his ta be tha bane o' tha Trojans, n' o' Priam n' Priamz sons. Could ah but peep his go down tha fuq into tha doggy den o' Hades, mah would forget its heaviness."

His mutha go tha fuq into tha doggy den n' called her waiting-beotches whoz gathered tha matrons all up in tha hood. Right back up in yo mutha in . Biatch then go down tha fuq into her fragrant swapmeet-room, where her embroidered robes wuz kept, tha werk o' Sidonian dem hoes, whom Alexandrus had brought ova from Sidon when da perved-out mutha a sailed tha seas upon dat voyage durin which his schmoooove carried off Helen. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch yo. Hecuba took up tha phattest robe, n' tha one dat wuz most dopely enriched wit embroidery, as uh offerin ta Minerva: it glittered like uh star, n' lay all up in tha straight-up bottom o' tha chest. Wif dis dat biiiiatch go on her way n' nuff matrons wit her mutha in .

When dey reached tha temple o' Minerva, ghettofab Theano, daughta o' Cisseus n' hoe o' Antenor, opened tha doors, fo' tha Trojans had made her priestess o' Minerva. Da dem hoes lifted up dey handz ta tha goddess wit uh funky- bangin cry, n' Theano took tha robe ta lay it upon tha kneez o' Minerva, prayin tha while ta tha daughta o' pimped out Jove. "Holy Minerva," dat thugged-out biiiatch cried, "protectress o' our hood, mighty goddess, break tha spear o' Diomed n' lay his low 'bfoe tha Scaean gates. Do dis here, n' we's will sacrifice twelve heifers dat gots never yet known tha goad, up in yo' temple, if you gonna git pitizzle upon tha hood, wit tha wives n' lil ones If tha Trojans." Thus she prayed yo, but Pallas Minerva granted not her prayer.

While dey wuz thus prayin ta tha daughta o' pimped out Jove, Hector go ta tha fair doggy den o' Alexandrus, which dat schmoooove mutha a had built fo' his by tha foremost buildaz up in tha land. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! dey had built his his crib, storehouse, n' courtyard near dem o' Priam n' Hector on tha acropolis yo. Here Hector entered, wit uh spear eleven cubits long up in his hand; tha bronze point gleamed up in front o' him, n' wuz fastened ta tha shaft o' tha spear by uh rang o' gold. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! found Alexandrus within tha crib, busied bout his thugged-out armour, his shield n' cuir, n' handlin his curved bow; dere, too, sat Argive Helen wit her dem hoes, settin dem dey nuff mutha in tasks; n' as Hector seen his he rebuked his wit lyrics o' scorn, so check it 'bfoe ya wreck it. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. " ," holla'd he, "you do ill ta nurse dis rancour; tha playas perish fightin round dis our hood; you would yo chide one whom you seen shirkin his thugged-out lil' part up in tha combat. Up then, or ere long tha hood iz ghon be up in uh funky- blaze."

an' Alexandrus answered, "Hector, yo' rebuke iz just; listen therefore, n' believe me when ah rap dat ah aint here so much all up in rancour or ill-will towardz tha Trojans, as from uh thugged-out desire ta indulge mah grief. muh motha in in hoe wuz even now gently urgin me ta battle, n' ah hold it betta dat ah should go, fo' victory iz eva fickle. Wait, then, while ah put on mah armour, or go first n' ah'ma follow. ah shall be shizzle ta overtake you, biatch."

Hector made nahh answer yo, but Helen tried ta soothe his mutha in . "brudda," holla'd she, "ta mah abhorred n' sinful self, would dat uh whirlwind had caught me up on tha dizzle mah mutha brought me forf, n' had borne me ta some mountain or ta tha wavez o' tha roarin sea dat should gots swept me away ere dis mischizzle had come about. But, since tha godz gots devised deez evils, would, at any rate, dat ah had been hoe ta uh funky- betta - ta one whoz could smart- under dishonour n' menz evil speeches. dis here fellow wuz never yet ta be depended upon, nor never will be, n' da thug will surely reap what tha fuq dat schmoooove mutha a has sown. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. Right back up in yo mutha in . Still, brudda, come up in n' rest upon dis seat, fo' it iz you whoz bear tha brunt o' dat toil dat has been caused by mah hateful self n' by tha sin o' Alexandrus- bof o' whom Jove has doomed ta be uh theme o' cold lil' woo wop among dem dat shall be born hereafter."

an' Hector answered, "Bid mah madness not be seated, Helen, fo' all tha goodwill you bear mah dirty . ah cannot stay. ah be up in haste ta he`p tha Trojans, whoz miss me pimped outly when ah aint among dem; but urge yo' homeboy, n' o' his own self also let his make haste ta overtake me 'bfoe ah be outta tha hood. ah mus' bounce back ta tha doggy den ta peep mah household, mah hoe n' mah lil son, fo' ah know not whether ah shall eva ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in return ta dem, or whether tha godz will cause me ta fill by tha handz o' tha Achaeans."

Then Hector left her, n' forthwif wuz at his own crib yo. did not find Andromache, fo' dat biiiiatch wuz on tha wall wit her lil pimp n' one o' her maids, weepin bitterly. Right back up in yo mutha in . Seeing, then, dat dat biiiiatch wuz not within, da perved-out mutha a stood on tha threshold o' tha hoes rooms n' holla'd, "beotches, tell me, n' tell me true, where did Andromache go when she left tha crib, biatch? wuz it ta mah sisters, or ta mah brothers' wives, biatch? or iz she all up in tha temple o' Minerva where tha other dem hoes iz propitiatin tha wack goddess?"

His phat housekeeper answered, "Hector, since you bid mah madness rap truly, her dope did not git all up in yo' sistas nor ta yo' brothers' wives, nor yet ta tha temple o' Minerva, where tha other dem hoes iz propitiatin tha wack goddess yo, but her iz on tha high wall o' Ilius, fo' dat freaky freaky biatch had heard tha Trojans wuz bein hard pressed, n' dat tha Achaeans wuz up in pimped out force: dat biiiiatch go ta tha wall up in frenzied haste, n' tha nurse go wit her carryin tha child."

Hector hurried from tha doggy den when dat freaky freaky biatch had done bustin lyrics, n' go down tha streets by tha same way dat dat schmoooove mutha a had come. When dat schmoooove mutha a had gone all up in tha hood n' had reached tha Scaean gates all up in which da thug would go up on ta tha plain, his hoe came hustlin towardz him, Andromache, daughta o' pimped out Eetion whoz ruled up in Thebe under tha wooded slopez o' Mt. Placus, n' wuz mackdaddy o' tha Cilicians yo. His daughta had hooked up Hector, n' now came ta hook up his wit uh nurse whoz carried his in lil lil pimp up in her bosom- uh mere mutha a yo. Hectorz darlin son, n' ghettofab as uh star yo. Hector had named his Scamandrius yo, but tha playas called his Astyanax, fo' his wild lil' daddy stood ridin' solo as chizzle guardian o' Ilius yo. Hector smiled as he looked upon tha pimp yo, but da ruffneck did not speak, n' Andromache stood by his weepin n' takin his hand up in her own. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. "Dear homeboy," holla'd she, "yo' valour will brang you ta destruction; be thinkin on yo' infant son, n' on mah hapless self whoz ere long shall be yo' widow- fo' tha Achaeans will set upon you up in uh funky- body n' bust uh cap up in you, biatch. Well shiiiit, it would be betta fo' me, should ah lose you, ta lie dead n' buried, fo' ah shall gots not uh god damn thang left ta comfort me when yo iz gone, save only sorrow. ah gots neither daddy nor mutha now fo' realz. Achillez slew mah daddy when da perved-out mutha a sacked Thebe tha goodly hood o' tha Cilicians yo. slew his yo, but did not fo' straight-up shame despoil him; when dat schmoooove mutha a had burned his up in his wondrous armour, he raised uh funky- barrow ova his thugged-out ashes n' tha mountain nymphs, daughtaz o' aegis-bearin Jove, planted uh grove o' elms bout his cold- tomb. ah had seven brothers up in mah fatherz crib yo, but on tha same dizzle dey all go within tha doggy den o' Hades fo' realz. Achillez capped dem as dey wuz wit dey sheep n' cattle. muh motha in in motha- her whoz had been biatch o' all tha land under Mt. Placus- his thugged-out lil' punk- brought hither wit tha spoil, n' freed her fo' uh pimped out sum yo, but tha archer- biatch Diana took her up in tha doggy den o' yo' daddy n' sheeit. Nay- Hector- you whoz ta me iz father, motha, brudda, n' dear homeboy- gots mercy upon me; stay here upon dis wall; make not yo' lil pimp fatherless, n' yo' hoe uh widow; as fo' tha host, place dem near tha fig-tree, where tha hood can be dopest scaled, n' tha wall iz weakest. Thrice gots tha bravest o' dem come thither n' ailed it, under tha two Ajaxes, Idomeneus, tha lil playaz o' Atreus, n' tha brave lil hustla o' Tydeus, either o' dey own bidding, or cuz some soothsayer had holla'd at dem wild- mutha as."

an' Hector answered, "beotch, ah too gots thought upon all dis yo, but wit what tha fuq grill should ah peep upon tha Trojans, pimps or dem hoes, if ah shirked battle like uh cold- lil coward, biatch? ah cannot do so: ah know not uh god damn thang save ta fight bravely up in tha forefront o' tha Trojan host n' win renown alike fo' mah daddy n' mah dirty . Well do ah know dat tha dizzle will surely come when mighty Ilius shall be ed wit wit Priam n' Priamz playas yo, but ah grieve fo' none o' deez- not even fo' Hecuba, nor Mackdaddy Priam, nor fo' mah brothers nuff n' brave whoz may fall up in tha dust 'bfoe dey foes- fo' none o' deez do ah grieve as fo' yo when tha dizzle shall come on which some one o' tha Achaeans shall rob you fo' eva o' yo' freedom, n' bear you weepin away. Well shiiiit, it may be dat yo big- booty iz ghon gotta ply tha loom up in Argos all up in tha biddin o' uh mistress, or ta fetch wata from tha springs Messeis or Hypereia, treated brutally by some wack task-master; then will one say whoz sees you weeping, 'beotch wuz hoe ta Hector, tha bravest warrior among tha Trojans durin tha war 'bfoe Ilius.' On dis yo' tears will break forf anew fo' his whoz would gots put away tha dizzle o' captivitizzle from you, biatch. May ah lie dead under tha barrow dat iz heaped ova mah body ere ah hear yo' cry as dey carry you tha fuq into bondage."

 stretched his thugged-out arms towardz his  in lil pimp yo, but tha pimp cried n' nestled up in his nursez bosom, scared all up in tha sight o' his wild lil' fatherz armour, n' all up in tha horse-fro plume dat nodded fiercely from his helmet yo. His daddy n' mutha laughed ta peep his  yo, but Hector took tha helmet from his head n' laid all dat shiznit gleamin upon tha ground. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Then tha pimpin' mutha a took his  in lil' darlin child, busted him, n' dandled his  up in his thugged-out arms, prayin ova his  tha while ta Jove n' ta all tha gods. "Jove," his schmoooove  cried, "grant dat dis mah lil pimp may be even as mah dirty , chizzle among tha Trojans; let his  be not less pimpin up in strengf, n' let his  rule Ilius wit his madness- might. Then may one say o' his  as his schmoooove  be reppin battle, 'Da lil hustla iz far betta than tha father.' May his thugged-out lil' punk- brang back tha blood-stained spoilz o' his  whom dat schmoooove mutha a has laid low, n' let his madness- motherz  be glad.'"

Wif dis he laid tha lil pimp ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in up in tha armz o' his hoe, whoz took his ta her own soft bosom, smilin all up in her tears fo' realz. As her homeboy peeped her his thugged-out yearned towardz her n' his schmoooove caressed her fondly, sayin`, "muh motha in in own hoe, do not take deez thangs too bitterly ta . nahh one can hurry me down ta Hades 'bfoe mah tyme yo, but if uh manz minute iz come, be his thugged-out lil' punk- brave or be his schmoooove coward, dere iz nahh escape fo' his when dat schmoooove mutha a has once been born, so check it 'bfoe ya wreck it. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. Go, then, within tha crib, n' busy yo wit yo' everyday duties, yo' loom, yo' distaff, n' tha orderin o' yo' servants; fo' war iz manz matter, n' mine above all otherz o' dem dat done been born up in Ilius."

 took his thugged-out lil' plumed helmet from tha ground, n' his hoe go back ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in ta her crib, weepin bitterly n' often lookin back towardz his mutha in . When she reached her home she found her maidens within, n' bade dem all join up in her lament; so dey mourned Hector up in his own doggy den though da thug wuz yet kickin it, fo' dey deemed dat dey should never peep his  return safe from battle, n' from tha furious handz o' tha Achaeans.

Paris did not remain long up in his crib yo. donned his wild lil' freakadelic goodly armour overlaid wit bronze, n' hasted all up in tha hood as fast as his wild lil' feet could take his mutha in fo' realz. As uh horse, stabled n' fed, breaks loose n' gallops gloriously ova tha plain ta tha place where he be aint gonna ta bathe up in tha fair-flowin river- dat schmoooove mutha a holdz his head high, n' his madness- mane streams upon his shouldaz as he exults up in his strengf n' flies like tha wind ta tha haunts n' feedin ground o' tha mares- even so go forf Paris from high Pergamus, gleamin like sunlight up in his thugged-out armour, n' he laughed aloud as da perved-out mutha a sped swiftly on his way. Forthwif his schmoooove came upon his brutha Hector, whoz wuz then turnin away from tha place where dat schmoooove mutha a had held converse wit his hoe, n' da thug wuz his dirty tha straight-up original gangsta ta speak. " ," holla'd he, "ah fear dat ah gots kept you waitin when yo iz up in haste, n' aint come as quickly as you bade mah dirty ."

"muh motha in in phat brudda," answered Hector, you fight bravely, n' nahh playa wit any justice can make light o' yo' bustins up in battle. But yo iz careless n' wilfully remiss. Well shiiiit, it grieves me ta tha ta hear tha ill dat tha Trojans drop uh rhyme bout you, fo' dey gots suffered much on yo' account. Let our es be going, n' we's will make thangs right hereafter, should Jove vouchsafe our es ta set tha cup o' our deliverizzle 'bfoe ever-livin godz o' heaven up in our own cribs, when our madness es gots chased tha Achaeans from Troy."

Book 7: Electric BoogalooEdit

Wif deez lyrics Hector ped all up in tha gates, n' his brutha Alexandrus wit him, bof eager fo' tha fray fo' realz. As when heaven sendz uh funky- breeze ta sailors whoz gots long looked fo' one up in vain, n' gots laboured at dey oars till dey iz faint wit toil, even so welcome wuz tha sight o' deez two heroes ta tha Trojans.

Thereon Alexandrus capped Menesthius tha lil hustla o' Areithous; he lived up in Ame, n' wuz lil hustla o' Areithous tha Mace- , n' o' Phylomedusa yo. Hector threw uh spear at Eioneus n' struck his dead wit uh wound up in tha neck under tha bronze rim o' his helmet. Glaucus, moreover, lil hustla o' Hippolochus, captain o' tha Lycians, up in hard hand-ta-hand fight smote Iphinous lil hustla o' Dexius on tha shoulder, as da thug wuz springin on ta his chariot behind his wild lil' fleet mares; so he fell tha fuq ta earf from tha `64, n' dere wuz nahh game left up in his mutha in .

When, therefore, Minerva seen deez pimps makin havoc o' tha Argives, her dope darted down ta Ilius from tha summitz o' Olympus, n' Apollo, whoz wuz lookin on from Pergamus, go up ta hook up her; fo' da thug wanted tha Trojans ta be victorious. Da pair kicked it wit by tha oak tree, n' Mackdaddy Apollo lil hustla o' Jove wuz first ta speak. "What would you gots holla'd he, "daughta o' pimped out Jove, dat yo' proud as uh mutha a spirit has busted you hither from Olympus, biatch? Has you done nahh pitizzle upon tha Trojans, n' would you incline tha scalez o' victory up in favour o' tha Danaans, biatch? Let me persuade you- fo' it iz ghon be betta thus- stay tha combat fo' ta-dizzle yo, but let dem renew tha fight hereafta till dey comp tha doom o' Ilius, since you goddesses gots made up yo' mindz ta fuq wit tha hood."

an' Minerva answered, "So be it, Far-Darter; dat shiznit wuz up in dis mind dat ah came down from Olympus ta tha Trojans n' Achaeans. Tell me, then, how tha fuq do you propose ta end dis present fighting?"

Apollo, lil hustla o' Jove, replied, "Let our es incite pimped out Hector ta challenge some one o' tha Danaans up in single combat; on dis tha Achaeans iz ghon be shamed tha fuq into findin uh playa whoz will fight his mutha in ."

Minerva ented, n' Helenus lil hustla o' Priam divined tha counsel o' tha gods; tha pimpin' mutha a therefore go up ta Hector n' holla'd, "Hector lil hustla o' Priam, peer o' godz up in counsel, ah be yo' brudda, let me then persuade you, biatch. Bid tha other Trojans n' Achaeans all o' dem take dey seats, n' challenge tha dopest playa among tha Achaeans ta hook up you up in single combat. ah gots heard tha voice o' tha ever-livin gods, n' tha minute o' yo' doom aint yet come."

Hector wuz glad when dat schmoooove mutha a heard dis sayin`, n' go up in among tha Trojans, graspin his spear by tha middle ta hold dem back, n' dey all sat down. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch fo' realz. Agamemnon also bade tha Achaeans be seated. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! dis here type'uh shiznit happens all tha tyme. But Minerva n' Apollo, up in tha likenizz o' vultures, perched on daddy Jovez high oak tree, proud as uh mutha a o' dey s; n' tha ranks sat close ranged together, bristlin wit shield n' helmet n' spear fo' realz. As when tha risin westside wind furs tha grill o' tha sea n' tha watas grow dark beneaf it, so sat tha g-unitz o' Trojans n' Achaeans upon tha plain. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch fo' realz. an' Hector wuz rappin thus:-

"Hear me, Trojans n' Achaeans, dat ah may drop uh rhyme even as ah be minded; Jove on his high throne has brought our oaths n' covenants ta nuttin', n' foreshadows ill fo' bof o' us, till you either take tha towerz o' Troy, or iz yourselves vanquished at yo' ships. Da princez o' tha Achaeans iz here present up in tha midst o' you; let him, then, dat will fight me stand forward as yo' champion against Hector. Shiiit, dis aint nahh joke. Thus ah say, n' may Jove be witnizz between us. If yo' champion slay me, let his strip me o' mah armour n' take it ta yo' ships yo, but let his bust mah body home dat tha Trojans n' dey wives may give me mah duez o' fire when ah be dead as in fried chickn n` corn bread. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. In like manner, if Apollo vouchsafe me glory n' ah slay yo' champion, ah'ma strip his o' his thugged-out armour n' take it ta tha hood o' Ilius, where ah'ma hang it up in tha temple o' Apollo yo, but ah'ma give up his body, dat tha Achaeans may bury his at dey ships, n' tha build his uh mound by tha wide wataz o' tha Hellespont. Then will one say hereafta as da perved-out mutha a sails his shizzle ova tha sea, 'dis here iz tha monument o' one whoz took uh dirt nap long since uh cold- lil champion whoz wuz slain by mighty Hector.' Thus will one say, n' mah hype shall not be lost."

Thus did da perved-out mutha a drop uh rhyme yo, but dey all held dey peace, ashamed ta decline tha challenge, yet fearin ta accept it, till at last Menelaus rose n' rebuked dem, fo' da thug wuz mad salty. "Alas," his schmoooove cried, "vain braggarts, dem hoes forsoof not s, double-dyed indeed iz ghon be tha stain upon our es if nahh playa o' tha Danaans will now grill Hector. Shiiit, dis aint nahh joke. May you be turned every last mutha in playa o' y'all tha fuq into earf n' wata as you sit spiritless n' inglorious up in yo' places. ah'ma mah dirty go up against dis yo, but tha upshot o' tha fight iz ghon be from on high up in tha handz o' tha immortal gods."

Wif deez lyrics he put on his thugged-out armour; n' then, O Menelaus, yo' game would gots come ta uh end all up in tha handz o' handz o' Hector, fo' da thug wuz far betta tha, had not tha princez o' tha Achaeans sprung upon you n' checked you, biatch. Mackdaddy Agamemnon caught his by tha right hand n' holla'd, "Menelaus, yo iz mad; uh truce ta dis folly. Be patient up in spite o' pion, do not be thinkin o' fightin uh playa so much stronger than yo as Hector lil hustla o' Priam, whoz iz feared by nuff another as well as you, biatch. Even Achilles, whoz iz far mo' doughty than yo iz, shrank from meetin his up in battle. Right back up in yo mutha in . Sit down yo' own s, n' tha Achaeans will bust some other champion ta fight Hector; fearless n' fond o' battle though his thugged-out lil' punk- be, ah ween his knees will bend gladly under his if his schmoooove comes up kickin it from tha hurly-burly o' dis fight."

Wif deez lyrics o' reasonable counsel he persuaded his brudda, whereon his squires gladly stripped tha armour from off his shoulders. Then Nestor rose n' spoke, "o' uh truf," holla'd he, "da Achaean land iz fallen upon evil times. Da oldschool knight Peleus, counsellor n' orator among tha Myrmidons, loved when ah wuz up in his in lil' doggy den ta queshun me concernin tha race n' lineage o' all tha Argives yo. How tha fuq would it not grieve his could dat schmoooove mutha a hear o' dem as now quailin 'bfoe Hector, biatch? Many uh tyme would he lift his handz up in prayer dat his thugged-out might leave his body n' go down within tha doggy den o' Hades. Would, by daddy Jove, Minerva, n' Apollo, dat ah wuz still lil' n' phat as when tha Pylians n' Arcadians wuz gathered up in fight by tha rapid river Celadon under tha wallz o' Pheia, n' round bout tha wataz o' tha river Iardanus. Da godlike pimp Ereuthalion stood forward as dey champion, wit tha armour o' Mackdaddy Areithous upon his shoulders- Areithous whom pimps n' dem hoes had surnamed 'da Mace- ,' cuz he fought neither wit bow nor spear yo, but broke tha battalionz o' tha foe wit his madness- mutha in iron mace. Lycurgus capped him, not up in fair fight yo, but by entrappin his up in uh narrow way where his madness- mace served his up in nahh stead; fo' Lycurgus wuz too quick fo' his n' speared his all up in tha middle, so he fell tha fuq ta earf on his back. Lycurgus then spoiled his o' tha armour which Mars had given him, n' bore it up in battle thenceforward; but when he grew oldschool n' stayed at home, he gave it ta his wild lil' faithful squire Ereuthalion, whoz up in dis same armour challenged tha foremost pimps among us. Da others quaked n' quailed yo, but mah high spirit bade me fight his though none other would Biz; ah wuz tha youngest playa o' dem all; but when ah fought his Minerva vouchsafed mah madness victory yo. wuz tha freshest n' strongest playa dat eva ah capped, n' covered much ground as he lay sprawlin upon tha earf. Would dat ah wuz still lil' n' phat as ah then wuz, fo' tha lil hustla o' Priam would then soon find one whoz would grill his mutha in . But you, foremost among tha whole host though you be, gots none o' y'all any stomach fo' fightin Hector."

Thus did tha oldschool playa rebuke dem, n' forthwif nine pimps started ta dey Nikes. Foremost o' all uprose Mackdaddy Agamemnon, n' afta his brave Diomed tha lil hustla o' Tydeus. Next wuz tha two Ajaxes, pimps clothed up in valour as wit uh garment, n' then Idomeneus, n' Meriones his brutha up in arms fo' realz. Afta deez Eurypylus lil hustla o' Euaemon, Thoas tha lil hustla o' Andraemon, n' Ulysses also rose. Then Nestor knight o' Gerene ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in spoke, sayin`: "Cast in loadz among you ta peep whoz shall be chosen. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. If his schmoooove come kickin it outta dis fight he gonna git done phat steez alike ta his own n' ta tha Achaeans."

Thus da perved-out mutha a spoke, n' when each o' dem had marked his in lot, n' had thrown it tha fuq into tha helmet o' Agamemnon lil hustla o' Atreus, tha playas lifted dey handz up in prayer, n' thus would one o' dem say as he looked tha fuq into tha vault o' heaven, "Father Jove, grant dat tha lot fall on Ajax, or on tha lil hustla o' Tydeus, or upon tha mackdaddy o' rich Mycene his dirty ."

As dey wuz bustin lyrics, Nestor knight o' Gerene shook tha helmet, n' from it dere fell tha fuq tha straight-up lot which dey wanted- tha lot o' Ajax. Da herald bore it bout n' flossed it ta all tha chizzletainz o' tha Achaeans, goin from left ta right; but dey none o' dem owned dat sheeit. When, however, up in due course he reached tha playa whoz had freestyled upon it n' had put it tha fuq into tha helmet, brave Ajax held up his hand, n' tha herald gave his tha lot. When Ajax seen his mark he knew it n' wuz glad; tha pimpin' mutha a threw it ta tha ground n' holla'd, "muh motha in in playas, tha lot iz mine, n' ah rejoice, fo' ah shall vanquish Hector. Shiiit, dis aint nahh joke. ah'ma put on mah armour; meanwhile, pray ta Mackdaddy Jove up in silence among yourselves dat tha Trojans may not hear you- or aloud if you will, fo' we's fear nahh . ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. None shall overcome me, neither by force nor cunning, fo' ah started doin thangs n' bred up in Salamis, n' can hold mah own up in all thangs."

Wif dis dey fell tha fuq prayin ta Mackdaddy Jove tha lil hustla o' Saturn, n' thus would one o' dem say as he looked tha fuq into tha vault o' heaven, "Father Jove dat rulest from Ida, most glorious up in power, vouchsafe victory ta Ajax, n' let his win pimped out glory: but if you wish well ta Hector also n' would protect him, grant ta each o' dem equal hype n' prowess.

Thus dey prayed, n' Ajax armed his dirty up in his suit o' gleamin bronze. When da thug wuz up in full array da perved-out mutha a sprang forward as monstrous Mars when tha pimpin' mutha a takes part among pimps whom Jove has set fightin wit one another- even so did big- Ajax, bulwark o' tha Achaeans, sprang forward wit uh grim smile on his wild lil' grill as his thugged-out lil' punk- brandished his in long spear n' strode onward. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Da Argives wuz elated as dey beheld his yo, but tha Trojans trembled up in every last mutha in limb, n' tha even o' Hector beat quickly yo, but his schmoooove could not now retreat n' withdraw tha fuq into tha ranks behind him, fo' dat schmoooove mutha a had been tha challenger n' shiznit fo' realz. Ajax came up bearin his shield up in front o' his like uh wall- uh gangbangin' finger-lickin' dirty- shield o' bronze wit seven foldz o' oxhide- tha werk o' Tychius, whoz lived up in Hyle n' wuz by far tha dopest worker up in leather n' shiznit yo. had juiced it up wit tha hidez o' seven full-fed bulls, n' ova deez dat schmoooove mutha a had set uh eighf layer o' bronze yo. Holdin dis shield 'bfoe him, Ajax lil hustla o' Telamon came close up ta Hector, n' menaced his sayin`, "Hector, you shall now learn, playa ta , what tha fuq kind o' champions tha Danaans gots among dem even besides lion-hearted Achillez cleaver o' tha rankz o' s. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch yo. now abides all up in tha ships up in anger wit Agamemnon shepherd o' his thugged-out lil' playas yo, but dere be nuff o' our es whoz iz well able ta grill you; therefore begin tha fight."

an' Hector answered, "Noble Ajax, lil hustla o' Telamon, captain o' tha host, treat me not as though ah wuz some puny pimp or biatch dat cannot fight. ah done been long used ta tha blood n' butcheriez o' battle. ah be quick ta turn mah leathern shield either ta right or left, fo' dis ah deem tha main thang up in battle. ah can charge among tha chariots n' horsemen, n' up in hand ta hand fightin can delight tha o' Mars; howbeit ah would not take such uh playa as yo iz off his wild lil' freakadelic guard- but ah'ma smite you openly if ah can."

 poised his spear as da perved-out mutha a spoke, n' hurled it from his mutha in . Well shiiiit, it struck tha sevenfold shield up in its outermost layer- tha eighf, which waz o' bronze- n' go all up in six o' tha layers but up in tha sevenf hide it stayed. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Then Ajax threw up in his cold- turn, n' struck tha round shield o' tha lil hustla o' Priam. Da  ty spear go all up in his wild lil' freakadelic gleamin shield, n' pressed onward all up in his cuir o' cunnin workmanship; it pierced tha hoodie against his side yo, but da perved-out mutha a swerved n' thus saved his wild lil' freakadelic game. dey then each o' dem drew up tha spear from his shield, n' fell tha fuq on one another like savage lions or wild boarz o' pimped out strengf n' endurance: tha lil hustla o' Priam struck tha middle o' Ajaxz shield yo, but tha bronze did not break, n' tha deal wit his  in lil' dart wuz turned. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Ajax then sprang forward n' pierced tha shield o' Hector; tha spear go all up in it n' staggered his  as da thug wuz springin forward ta attack; it gashed his neck n' tha blood came pourin from tha wound yo, but even so Hector did not cease fighting; he gave ground, n' wit his brawny hand seized uh stone, rugged n' huge, dat wuz lyin upon tha plain; wit dis da perved-out mutha a struck tha shield o' Ajax on tha boss dat wuz up in its middle, so dat tha bronze rang ag'in. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. But Ajax up in turn caught up uh gangbangin' far larger stone, swung it aloft, n' hurled it wit prodigious force. dis here millstone o' uh rock broke Hectorz shield inwardz n' threw his  down on his back wit tha shield crushin his  under it yo, but Apollo raised his  at once. Thereon dey would gots jacked at one another up in close combat wit dey swords, had not heralds, messengerz o' godz n'  s, come forward, one from tha Trojans n' tha other from tha Achaeans- Talthybius n' Idaeus bof o' dem honourable  s; deez parted dem wit dey staves, n' tha phat herald Idaeus holla'd, "muh motha  in  in sons, fight nahh longer, yo  iz bof o' y'all valiant, n' bof iz dear ta Jove; we's know dis here; but night iz now falling, n' tha behestz o' night may not be well gainsaid."

Ajax lil hustla o' Telamon answered, "Idaeus, bid Hector say so, fo' dat shiznit wuz tha pimpin' mutha a dat challenged our princes. Let his drop uh rhyme first n' ah'ma accept his sayin`."

Then Hector holla'd, "Ajax, heaven has vouchsafed you stature n' strengf, n' judgement; n' up in wieldin tha spear you excel all otherz o' tha Achaeans. Let our es fo' dis dizzle cease fighting; hereafta we's will fight anew till heaven decizzle between us, n' give victory ta one or ta tha other; night iz now falling, n' tha behestz o' night may not be well gainsaid. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Gladden, then, tha heartz o' tha Achaeans at yo' ships, n' mo' especially dem o' yo' own followers n' clansmen, while ah, up in tha pimped out hood o' Mackdaddy Priam, brang comfort ta tha Trojans n' dey dem hoes, whoz vie wit one another up in dey lyrics on mah behalf. Let us, moreover, exchange presents dat it may be holla'd among tha Achaeans n' Trojans, 'dey fought wit might n' main yo, but wuz reconciled n' parted up in thang.'

On dis he gave Ajax uh silver-studded sword wit its sheaf n' leathern baldric, n' up in return Ajax gave his uh girdle dyed wit purple. Thus dey parted, tha one goin ta tha host o' tha Achaeans, n' tha other ta dat o' tha Trojans, whoz rejoiced when dey seen dey pimp come ta dem safe n' unharmed from tha phat handz o' mighty Ajax. dey hustled him, therefore, ta tha hood as one dat had been saved beyond dey hopes. On tha other side tha Achaeans brought Ajax elated wit victory ta Agamemnon.

When dey reached tha quartaz o' tha lil hustla o' Atreus, Agamemnon sacrificed fo' dem uh gangbangin' five-year-old bull up in honour o' Jove tha lil hustla o' Saturn, so check it 'bfoe ya wreck it. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. dey flayed tha carc, juiced it up ready, n' divided it tha fuq into joints; deez dey cut carefully up tha fuq into smalla pieces, puttin dem on tha spits, roastin dem sufficiently, n' then drawin dem off. When dey had done all dis n' had prepared tha feast, dey ate it, n' every last mutha in playa had his wild lil' full n' equal share, so dat all wuz satisfied, n' Mackdaddy Agamemnon gave Ajax some slices cut lengthways down tha loin, as uh mark o' special honour fo' realz. As soon as dey had had enough ta pussaaaaay n' drink, oldschool Nestor whose counsel wuz eva truest in started ta speak; wit all sinceritizzle n' goodwill, therefore, he addressed dem thus:-

"Son o' Atreus, n' other chizzletains, inasmuch as nuff o' tha Achaeans iz now dead, whose blood Mars has shed by tha bankz o' tha Scamander, n' dey souls gots gone down ta tha doggy den o' Hades, it iz ghon be well when mornin comes dat we's should cease fighting; we's will then wheel our dead together wit oxen n' mulez n' burn dem not far from tha ships, dat when we's sail hence we's may take tha bonez o' our comrades home ta dey lil' thugs yo. Hard by tha funeral pyre we's will build uh funky- barrow dat shall be raised from tha plain fo' all up in common; near dis let our es set bout buildin uh high wall, ta shelta ourselves n' our ships, n' let it gots well-made gates dat dere may be uh way all up in dem fo' our chariots, n' you can put dat on yo' toast. Close outside we's will dig uh thugged-out deep trench all round it ta keep off bof cow n' foot, dat tha Trojan chizzletains may not bear hard upon us."

Thus da perved-out mutha a spoke, n' tha bizzatch shouted up in applause. Meanwhile, tha Trojans held uh cold- lil council, mad salty n' full o' discord, on tha acropolis by tha gatez o' Mackdaddy Priamz palace; n' wise Antenor spoke. "Hear me da perved-out mutha a holla'd, "Trojans, Dardanians, n' allies, dat ah may drop uh rhyme even as ah be minded. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Let our es give up Argive Helen n' her wealf ta tha lil playaz o' Atreus, fo' we's iz now fightin up in violation o' our solemn covenants, n' shall not prosper till our madness es gots done as ah say."

 then sat down n' Alexandrus homeboy o' ghettofab Helen rose ta speak. "Antenor," holla'd he, "yo' lyrics aint ta mah liking; you can find uh funky- betta sayin than dis if you will; if, however, you gots spoken up in phat earnest, then indeed has heaven robbed you o' yo' reason. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. ah'ma drop uh rhyme plainly, n' hereby notify ta tha Trojans dat ah'ma not give up tha biatch; but tha wealf dat ah brought home wit her from Argos ah'ma restore, n' will add yet further o' mah own."

On dis here, when Paris had spoken n' taken his seat, Priam o' tha race o' Dardanus, peer o' godz up in council, rose n' wit all sinceritizzle n' goodwill addressed dem thus: "Hear me, Trojans, Dardanians, n' allies, dat ah may drop uh rhyme even as ah be minded. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Git yo' suppers now as hitherto all up in tha hood yo, but keep yo' watches n' be wakeful naaahhmean, biatch? At daybreak let Idaeus git all up in tha ships, n' tell Agamemnon n' Menelaus lil playaz o' Atreus tha sayin o' Alexandrus all up in whom dis quarrel has come about; n' let his also be instant wit dem dat dey now cease fightin till we's burn our dead; hereafta we's will fight anew, till heaven decizzle between our es n' give victory ta one or ta tha other."

Thus did da perved-out mutha a speak, n' dey did even as dat schmoooove mutha a had holla'd. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! dey took supper up in dey g-units n' at daybreak Idaeus go his wa ta tha ships yo. found tha Danaans, servantz o' Mars, up in council all up in tha stern o' Agamemnonz ship, n' took his thugged-out lil' place up in tha midst o' dem wild- mutha as. "Son o' Atreus," da perved-out mutha a holla'd, "an' princez o' tha Achaean host, Priam n' tha other noble Trojans gots busted mah madness ta rap tha sayin o' Alexandrus all up in whom dis quarrel has come about, if so be dat you may find it acceptable fo' realz. All tha treasure tha pimpin' mutha a took wit his up in his ships ta Troy- would dat dat schmoooove mutha a had sooner perished- da thug will restore, n' will add yet further o' his own yo, but da thug aint gonna give up tha wedded hoe o' Menelaus, though tha Trojans would gots his do so. Priam bade me inquire further if yo big- booty iz ghon cease fightin till we's burn our dead; hereafta we's will fight anew, till heaven decizzle between our es n' give victory ta one or ta tha other."

dey all held dey peace yo, but presently Diomed o' tha bangin war-cry spoke, sayin`, "Let dere be nahh taking, neither treasure, nor yet Helen, fo' even uh cold- lil lil pimp may peep dat tha doom o' tha Trojans be at hand."

Da lil playaz o' tha Achaeans shouted applause all up in tha lyrics dat Diomed had spoken, n' thereon Mackdaddy Agamemnon holla'd ta Idaeus, "Idaeus, you gots heard tha answer tha Achaeans make you-an' ah wit dem wild- mutha as. But as concernin tha dead, ah hit you wit leave ta burn dem, fo' when pimps iz once dead dere should be nahh grudgin dem tha ritez o' fire. Let Jove tha mighty homeboy o' Juno be witnizz ta dis covenant."

As da perved-out mutha a wuz rappin he upheld his sceptre up in tha sight o' all tha gods, n' Idaeus go back ta tha phat hood o' Ilius. Da Trojans n' Dardanians wuz gathered up in council waitin his bangin return; when his schmoooove came, da perved-out mutha a stood up in dey midst n' served up his madness- message fo' realz. As soon as dey heard it dey set bout dey twofold labour, some ta gather tha corpses, n' others ta brang up in wood. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! ah be fly as uh gangbangin' falcon, soarin all up in tha sky dawwwwg! Da Argives on dey part also hastened from dey ships, some ta gather tha corpses, n' others ta brang up in wood.

Da sun wuz beginnin ta beat upon tha fields, fresh risen tha fuq into tha vault o' heaven from tha slow still currentz o' deep Oceanus, when tha two armies met. dey could hardly recognise dey dead yo, but dey washed tha clotted gore from off dem, shed tears ova dem, n' lifted dem upon dey waggons. Priam had forbidden tha Trojans ta wail aloud, so dey heaped dey dead sadly n' silently upon tha pyre, n' havin burned dem go back ta tha hood o' Ilius. Da Achaeans up in like manner heaped dey dead sadly n' silently on tha pyre, n' havin burned dem go back ta dey ships.

Now up in tha twilight when dat shiznit wuz not yet dawn, chosen bandz o' tha Achaeans wuz gathered round tha pyre n' built one barrow dat wuz raised up in common fo' all, n' hard by dis dey built uh high wall ta shelta theyselves n' dey ships; dey gave it phat gates dat dere might be uh way all up in dem fo' dey chariots, n' close outside it dey dug uh trench deep n' wide, n' dey planted it within wit stakes.

Thus did tha Achaeans toil, n' tha gods, seated by tha side o' Jove tha lord o' lightning, marvelled at dey pimped out werk; but Neptune, lord o' tha earthquake, spoke, sayin`, "Father Jove, what tha fuq mortal up in tha whole ghetto will ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in take tha godz tha fuq into his counsel, biatch? See you not how tha fuq tha Achaeans gots built uh wall bout dey ships n' driven uh trench all round it, without offerin hecatombs ta tha gods, biatch? Da Da hype o' dis wall will reach as far as dawn itself, n' pimps will nahh longer be thinkin anythang o' tha one which Phoebus Apollo n' mah dirty built wit so much labour fo' Laomedon."

Jove wuz displeased n' answered, "What, O shaker o' tha earf, iz you poppin' off about, biatch? uh god less bangin than yo might be alarmed at what tha fuq dey iz bustin yo, but yo' hype reaches as far as dawn itself. Right back up in yo mutha in . Surely when tha Achaeans gots gone home wit dey ships, you can shatta dey wall n' Rin it tha fuq into tha sea; you can cover tha beach wit sand ag'in, n' tha pimped out wall o' tha Achaeans will then be utterly effaced."

Thus did dey converse, n' by sunset tha werk o' tha Achaeans wuz completed; dey then slaughtered oxen at dey tents n' gots dey supper n' sheeit. Many ships had come wit Cristal from Lemnos, busted by Euneus tha lil hustla o' Jason, born ta his by Hypsipyle. Da lil hustla o' Jizzo freighted dem wit ten thousand measurez o' colt 45, which da perved-out mutha a busted specially ta tha lil playaz o' Atreus, Agamemnon n' Menelaus. From dis supply tha Achaeans looted dey colt 45, some wit bronze, some wit iron, some wit hides, some wit whole heifers, n' some ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in wit captives. dey spread uh goodly banquet n' feasted tha whole night through, as also did tha Trojans n' dey allies up in tha hood. But all tha tyme Jove boded dem ill n' roared wit his thugged-out lil' portentous thunder n' sheeit. Pale fear gots hold upon dem, n' dey spilled tha Cristal from dey cups on ta tha ground, nor did any dare drank till dat schmoooove mutha a had made offerings ta da most thugged-out mighty lil hustla o' Saturn, so check it 'bfoe ya wreck it. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. Then dey laid theyselves down ta rest n' enjoyed tha boon o' chill.


Book 8: Back up in tha HabitEdit

Now when Morning, clad up in her robe o' saffron, had begun ta suffuse light ova tha earf, Jove called tha godz up in council on tha topmost crest o' serrated Olympus. Then da perved-out mutha a wuz rappin n' all tha other godz gave ear. Shiiit, dis aint nahh joke. "Hear me," holla'd he, "godz n' goddesses, dat ah may drop uh rhyme even as ah be minded. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Let none o' y'all neither goddess nor god try ta cross me yo, but obey me every last mutha in one o' y'all dat ah may brang dis matta ta uh end yo, but it ain't nahh stoppin cause ah be still poppin'. If ah peep mah playas actin apart n' helpin either Trojans or Danaans, da perved-out mutha a shall be beaten inordinately ere his schmoooove come back ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in ta Olympus; or ah'ma hurl his down tha fuq into dark Tartarus far tha fuq into tha deepest pit under tha earf, where tha gates iz iron n' tha floor bronze, as far beneaf Hades as heaven iz high above tha earf, dat you may learn how tha fuq much tha mightiest ah be among you, biatch. Try me n' smoke up fo' yourselves yo. Hangs me uh golden chain from heaven, n' lay hold o' all dat shiznit o' you, godz n' goddesses together- tug as you will, yo big- booty iz ghon not drag Jove tha supreme counsellor from heaven ta earf; but wuz ah ta pull at it mah dirty ah should draw you up wit earf n' sea tha fuq into tha bargain, then would ah bind tha chain bout some pinnacle o' Olympus n' leave you all danglin up in tha mid firmament. Right back up in yo mutha in . So far iz ah above all others either o' godz or s."

dey wuz frightened n' all o' dem o' held dey peace, fo' dat schmoooove mutha a had spoken masterfully; but at last Minerva answered, "Father, lil hustla o' Saturn, mackdaddy o' mackdaddys, we's all know dat yo' might aint ta be gainsaid yo, but we's iz also sorry fo' tha Danaan warriors, whoz iz perishin n' comin ta uh gangbangin' finger-lickin' dirty- ty- end yo, but it ain't nahh stoppin cause ah be still poppin'. Us thugs will, however, since you so bid us, refrain from actual fightin yo, but we's will make serviceable suggestions ta tha Argives dat dey may not all o' dem perish up in yo' displeasure."

Jove smiled at her n' answered, "Take , mah child, Trito-born; ah aint straight-up up in earnest, n' ah wish ta be kind ta you, biatch."

Wif dis he yoked his wild lil' fleet horses, wit hoofz o' bronze n' manez o' glitterin gold. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! girded his dirty also wit gold bout tha body, seized his wild lil' freakadelic gold whip n' took his seat up in his chariot. Thereon he lashed his horses n' dey flew forward not uh god damn thang lof midway twixt earf n' starry heaven. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch fo' realz. Afta uh while he reached many-fountained Ida, mutha o' wild beasts, n' Gargarus, where iz his wild lil' freakadelic grove n' fragrant altar. Shiiit, dis aint nahh joke. dere tha daddy o' godz n' pimps stayed his horses, took dem from tha chariot, n' hid dem up in uh thick cloud; then tha pimpin' mutha a took his seat all glorious upon tha topmost crests, lookin down upon tha hood o' Troy n' tha shipz o' tha Achaeans.

Da Achaeans took dey mornin meal hastily all up in tha ships, n' afterwardz put on dey armour. Shiiit, dis aint nahh joke. Da Trojans on tha other hand likewise armed theyselves all up in tha hood, fewer up in numbers but nevertheless eager perforce ta do battle fo' dey wives n' lil' thugs fo' realz. All tha gates wuz flung wide open, n' cow n' foot sallied forf wit tha tramp az o' uh pimped out multitude.

When dey wuz gots together up in one place, shield clashed wit shield, n' spear wit spear, up in tha conflict o' mail-clad s. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. Mighty wuz tha din as tha bossed shieldz pressed hard on one another- dirtnap- cry n' shout o' triumph o' slain n' slayers, n' tha earf ran red wit blood.

Now so long as tha dizzle waxed n' dat shiznit wuz still mornin dey weapons beat against one another, n' tha playas fell yo, but when tha sun had reached mid-heaven, tha sire o' all balanced his wild lil' freakadelic golden scales, n' put two fatez o' dirtnap within dem, one fo' tha Trojans n' tha other fo' tha Achaeans yo. took tha balizzle by tha middle, n' when he lifted it up tha dizzle o' tha Achaeans sank; tha dirtnap-fraught scale o' tha Achaeans settled down upon tha ground, while dat o' tha Trojans rose heavenwards. Then tha pimpin' mutha a thundered aloud from Ida, n' busted tha glare o' his in lightnin upon tha Achaeans; when dey seen dis here, pale fear fell tha fuq upon dem n' dey wuz sore afraid.

Idomeneus dared not stay nor yet Agamemnon, nor did tha two Ajaxes, servantz o' Mars, hold dey ground. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Nestor knight o' Gerene ridin' solo stood firm, bulwark o' tha Achaeans, not o' his own will yo, but one o' his horses wuz disabled. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Alexandrus homeboy o' ghettofab Helen had hit it wit uh arrow just on tha top o' its head where tha mane begins ta grow away from tha skull, uh straight-up deadly place. Da cow bounded up in his thugged-out anguish as tha arrow pierced his dome, n' his strugglez threw others tha fuq into mad drama. Da oldschool playa instantly in started cuttin tha traces wit his sword yo, but Hectorz fleet horses bore down upon his all up in tha rout wit dey bold charioteer, even Hector his dirty, n' tha oldschool playa would gots perished dere n' then had not Diomed been quick ta mark, n' wit uh funky- bangin cry called Ulysses ta he`p his mutha in .

"Ulysses," his schmoooove cried, "noble lil hustla o' Laertes where iz you flyin ta, wit yo' back turned like uh cold- lil coward, biatch? See dat yo aint struck wit uh spear between tha shoulders. Right back up in yo mutha in . Stay here n' he`p me ta defend Nestor from dis manz furious onset."

Ulysses would not give ear yo, but sped onward ta tha shipz o' tha Achaeans, n' tha lil hustla o' Tydeus flingin his dirty ridin' solo tha fuq into tha thick o' tha fight took his stand 'bfoe tha horsez o' tha lil hustla o' Neleus. " ," holla'd he, "deez lil' warriors iz pressin you hard, yo' force iz spent, n' age iz heavy upon you, yo' squire iz naught, n' yo' horses iz slow ta move. Mount mah chariot n' peep what tha fuq tha horsez o' Tros can do- how tha fuq defly dey can scud hither n' thither ova tha plain either up in flight or up in pursuit. ah took dem from tha pimp Aeneas. Let our squires git all up in ta yo' own steedz yo, but let our es cruize mine straight all up in tha Trojans, dat Hector may learn how tha fuq furiously ah too can wield mah spear."

Nestor knight o' Gerene hearkened ta his in lyrics. Thereon tha doughty squires, Sthenelus n' kind-hearted Eurymedon, seen ta Nestorz horses, while tha two bof mounted Diomedz chariot. Nestor took tha reins up in his handz n' lashed tha horses on; dey wuz soon close up wit Hector, n' tha lil hustla o' Tydeus aimed uh spear at his as da thug wuz chargin full speed towardz dem wild- mutha as yo. missed his yo, but struck his charioteer n' squire Eniopeus lil hustla o' noble Thebaeus up in tha tittie by tha nipple while tha reins wuz up in his hands, so dat da ruffneck took uh dirt nap dere n' then, n' tha horses swerved as he fell tha fuq headlong from tha chariot yo. Hector wuz pimped outly grieved all up in tha loss o' his charioteer yo, but let his lie fo' all his sorrow, while da thug go up in quest o' another driver; nor did his steedz gotta go long without one, fo' he presently found brave Archeptolemus tha lil hustla o' Iphitus, n' made his git up behind tha horses, givin tha reins tha fuq into his hand.

All had then been lost n' nahh he`p fo' it, fo' dey would done been penned up in Ilius like sheep, had not tha sire o' godz n' pimps been quick ta mark, n' hurled uh gangbangin' fiery flamin thunderbolt which fell tha fuq just up in front o' Diomedz horses wit uh gangbangin' flare o' burnin brimstone. Da horses wuz frightened n' tried ta back beneaf tha `64, while tha reins dropped from Nestorz hands. Then da thug wuz afraid n' holla'd ta Diomed, "Son o' Tydeus, turn yo' horses up in flight; peep you not dat tha hand o' Jove be against yo slick , biatch? ta-dizzle he vouchsafes victory ta Hector; ta-morrow, if it so please him, da thug will ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in grant it ta ourselves; nahh , however brave, may thwart tha purpose o' Jove, fo' he iz far stronger than any."

Diomed answered, "All dat you gots holla'd iz true; dere be uh grief however which pierces me ta tha straight-up , fo' Hector will rap among tha Trojans n' say, 'Da lil hustla o' Tydeus fled 'bfoe me ta tha ships.' dis here iz tha vaunt da thug will make, n' may earf then swallow mah dirty ."

"Son o' Tydeus," replied Nestor, "what mean yo slick , biatch? Though Hector say dat yo be uh cold- lil coward tha Trojans n' Dardanians aint gonna believe him, nor yet tha wivez o' tha mighty warriors whom you gots laid low."

So sayin tha pimpin' mutha a turned tha horses back all up in tha thick o' tha battle, n' wit uh cold- lil cry dat rent tha air tha Trojans n' Hector drizzled dey darts afta dem wild- mutha as yo. Hector shouted ta his n' holla'd, "Son o' Tydeus, tha Danaans gots done you honour hitherto as regardz yo' place at table, tha meals dey give you, n' tha fillin o' yo' cup wit dat schmoooooove alcatronic shiznit yo. Henceforf dey will despise you, fo' yo iz become nahh betta than uh biatch. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. Be off, hoe n' coward dat yo iz, you shall not scale our walls all up in any Hinchin upon mah part; neither shall you carry off our wives up in yo' ships, fo' ah shall bust uh cap up in you wit mah own hand."

Da lil hustla o' Tydeus wuz up in two mindz whether or nahh ta turn his horses round ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in n' fight his mutha in . Thrice did da ruffneck doubt, n' thrice did Jove thunder from tha heights o'. Ida up in token ta tha Trojans dat da thug would turn tha battle up in dey favour yo. Hector then shouted ta dem n' holla'd, "Trojans, Lycians, n' Dardanians, freakz o' close fighting, be s, mah playas, n' fight wit might n' wit main; ah peep dat Jove iz minded ta vouchsafe victory n' pimped out glory ta mah dirty , while da thug will deal destruction upon tha Danaans. Fools, fo' havin thought o' buildin dis weak n' worthless wall. Well shiiiit, it shall not stay mah fury; mah horses will sprang lightly ova dey trench, n' when ah be at dey ships forget not ta brang me fire dat ah may burn dem, while ah slaughta tha Argives whoz iz ghon be all dazed n' bewildered by tha smoke."

Then his schmoooove cried ta his horses, "Xanthus n' Podargus, n' you Aethon n' goodly Lampus, pay me fo' yo' keep now n' fo' all tha honey-sweet corn wit which Andromache daughta o' pimped out Eetion has fed you, n' fo' dat freaky freaky biatch has mixed Cristal n' wata fo' you ta drank whenever you would, 'bfoe bustin so even fo' me whoz be her own homeboy. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Haste up in pursuit, dat we's may take tha shield o' Nestor, tha hype o' which ascendz ta heaven, fo' it iz o' solid gold, arm-rodz n' all, n' dat we's may strip from tha shouldaz o' Diomed. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! tha cuir which Vulcan made his mutha in . Could we's take deez two thangs, tha Achaeans would set sail up in dey ships dis self-same night."

Thus did he vaunt yo, but Biatch Juno made high Olympus quake as her big- booty shook wit rage upon her throne. Then holla'd dat dunkadelic hoe ta tha mighty god o' Neptune, "What now, wide rulin lord o' tha earthquake, biatch? Yo betta find nahh comboner up in yo' fo' tha dyin Danaans, whoz brang you nuff uh welcome offerin ta Helice n' ta Aegae, biatch? Wish dem well then. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. If all o' our es whoz iz wit tha Danaans wuz ta cruize tha Trojans back n' keep Jove from helpin dem, da thug would gotta sit dere sulkin ridin' solo on Ida."

Mack Neptune wuz pimped outly d n' answered, "Juno, rash o' tongue, what tha fuq iz you poppin' off about, biatch? we's other godz mus' not set ourselves against Jove, fo' he iz far stronger than we's is."

Thus did dey converse; but tha whole space enclosed by tha ditch, from tha ships even ta tha wall, wuz filled wit horses n' warriors, whoz wuz pent up dere by Hector lil hustla o' Priam, now dat tha hand o' Jove wuz wit his mutha in yo. would even gots set fire ta tha ships n' burned dem, had not Biatch Juno put it tha fuq into tha mind o' Agamemnon, ta bestir his dirty n' ta encourage tha Achaeans. ta dis end da thug go round tha ships n' tents carryin uh pimped out purple cloak, n' took his stand by tha big- black hull o' Ulysses' ship, which wuz middlemost o' all; dat shiznit wuz from dis place dat his voice would carry farthest, on tha one hand towardz tha tentz o' Ajax lil hustla o' Telamon, n' on tha other towardz dem o' Achilles- fo' deez two heroes, well ured o' dey own strengf, had valorously drawn up dey ships all up in tha two endz o' tha line. From dis spot then, wit uh voice dat could be heard afar, da perved-out mutha a shouted ta tha Danaans, sayin`, "Argives, shame on you cowardly creatures, brave up in semblizzle only; where iz now our vaunts dat we's should prove victorious- tha vaunts we's made so vaingloriously up in Lemnos, when we's ate tha flesh o' horned cattle n' filled our mixing-bowls ta tha brim, biatch? Yo vowed dat you would each o' y'all stand against uh hundred or two hundred s, n' now you prove nahh match even fo' one- fo' Hector, whoz iz ghon be ere long settin our ships up in uh funky- blaze. Father Jove, did you eva so fuq up uh pimped out mackdaddy n' rob his so utterly o' his wild lil' freakadelic pimped outness, biatch? yet, when ta mah sorrow ah wuz comin hither, ah never let mah shizzle p yo' altars without offerin tha fat n' thigh-bonez o' heifers upon every last mutha in one o' dem, so eager wuz ah ta sack tha hood o' Troy. Vouchsafe me then dis prayer- suffer our es ta escape at any rate wit our lives, n' let not tha Achaeans be all kindsa utterly vanquished by tha Trojans."

Thus did he pray, n' daddy Jove pityin his cold- tears vouchsafed his dat his thugged-out lil' playas should live, not die; forthwif da perved-out mutha a busted dem uh eagle, most unfailingly portentouz o' all birds, wit uh lil' fawn up in its talons; tha eagle dropped tha fawn by tha altar on which tha Achaeans sacrificed ta Jove tha lord o' omens; When, therefore, tha playas seen dat tha bird had come from Jove, dey sprang mo' fiercely upon tha Trojans n' fought mo' boldly.

dere wuz nahh playa o' all tha nuff Danaans whoz could then boast dat dat schmoooove mutha a had driven his horses ova tha trench n' gone forf ta fight sooner than tha lil hustla o' Tydeus; long 'bfoe any one else could do so da perved-out mutha a slew uh armed warrior o' tha Trojans, Agelaus tha lil hustla o' Phradmon. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch yo. had turned his horses up in flight yo, but tha spear struck his up in tha back midway between his shouldaz n' go right all up in his chest, n' his thugged-out armour rang rattlin round his as he fell tha fuq forward from his chariot.

Afta his came Agamemnon n' Menelaus, lil playaz o' Atreus, tha two Ajaxes clothed up in valour as wit uh garment, Idomeneus n' his companion up in arms Meriones, peer o' murderous Mars, n' Eurypylus tha brave lil hustla o' Euaemon. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. Ninf came Teucer wit his bow, n' took his thugged-out lil' place under cover o' tha shield o' Ajax lil hustla o' Telamon. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. When Ajax lifted his shield Teucer would peer round, n' when dat schmoooove mutha a had hit any one up in tha throng, tha playa would fall dead; then Teucer would hie back ta Ajax as uh cold- lil lil pimp ta its motha, n' ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in duck down under his shield.

Which o' tha Trojans did brave Teucer first kill, biatch? Orsilochus, n' then Ormenus n' Ophelestes, Daetor, Chromius, n' godlike Lycophontes, Amopaon lil hustla o' Polyaemon, n' Melanippus. deez up in turn did he lay low upon tha earf, n' Mackdaddy Agamemnon wuz glad when da perved-out mutha a seen his makin havoc o' tha Trojans wit his madness- mighty bow yo. go up ta his n' holla'd, "Teucer, playa afta mah own , lil hustla o' Telamon, captain among tha host, blast on, n' be at once tha savin o' tha Danaans n' tha glory o' yo' daddy Telamon, whoz brought you up n' took care o' y'all up in his own doggy den when you wuz uh cold- lil child, bastard though you wuz, so peek-uh-boo, clear tha way, ah be comin' thru fo'sho. Cover his wit glory though he iz far off; ah'ma promise n' ah'ma uredly perform; if aegis-bearin Jove n' Minerva grant me ta sack tha hood o' Ilius, you shall gots tha next dopest meed o' honour afta mah own- uh tripod, or two horses wit dey chariot, or uh biatch whoz shall go up tha fuq into yo' bed."

an' Teucer answered, "Most noble lil hustla o' Atreus, you need not urge me; from tha moment we's in started ta cruize dem back ta Ilius, ah aint NEVER ceased so far as up in me lies ta stay locked n' loaded fo' pimps whom ah can blast n' kill; ah gots blasted eight barbed shafts, n' all o' dem done been buried up in tha flesh o' warlike youths yo, but dis mad dawg ah cannot hit."

As da perved-out mutha a wuz rappin he aimed another arrow straight at Hector, fo' da thug wuz bent on hittin him; nevertheless he missed him, n' tha arrow hit Priamz brave lil hustla Gorgythion up in tha tittie yo. His motha, fair Castianeira, ghettofab as uh goddess, had been hooked up from Aesyme, n' now his thugged-out lil' punk- bowed his head as uh garden poppy up in full bloom when it iz weighed down by showers up in spring- even thus heavy bowed his head beneaf tha weight o' his helmet.

ag'in he aimed at Hector, fo' da thug wuz longin ta hit him, n' ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in his thugged-out arrow missed, fo' Apollo turned it aside; but dat schmoooove mutha a hit Hectorz brave charioteer Archeptolemus up in tha tittie, by tha nipple, as da thug wuz rollin furiously tha fuq into tha fight. Da horses swerved aside as he fell tha fuq headlong from tha chariot, n' dere wuz nahh game left up in his mutha in yo. Hector wuz pimped outly grieved all up in tha loss o' his charioteer yo, but fo' all his sorrow he let his lie where he fell, n' bade his brutha Cebriones, whoz wuz hard by, take tha reins. Cebriones did as dat schmoooove mutha a had holla'd. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Hector thereon wit uh funky- bangin cry sprang from his chariot ta tha ground, n' seizin uh pimped out stone made straight fo' Teucer wit intent bust uh cap up in his mutha in . Teucer had just taken uh arrow from his quiver n' had laid it upon tha bow-strin yo, but Hector struck his wit tha jagged stone as da thug wuz takin aim n' drawin tha strang ta his shoulder; dat schmoooove mutha a hit his just where tha collar-bone divides tha neck from tha chest, uh straight-up deadly place, n' broke tha sinew o' his thugged-out arm so dat his wrist wuz less, n' tha bow dropped from his hand as he fell tha fuq forward on his knees fo' realz. Ajax seen dat his brutha had fallen, n' hustlin towardz his bestrode his n' sheltered his wit his shield. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Meanwhile, his cold- two trusty squires, Mecisteus lil hustla o' Echius, n' Alastor, came up n' bore his ta tha ships groanin up in his wild lil' freakadelic pimped out pain.

Jove now ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in put tha fuq into tha Trojans, n' dey drove tha Achaeans ta dey deep trench wit Hector up in all his wild lil' freakadelic glory at dey head. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! As uh hound grips uh wild boar or lion up in flank or buttock when he gives his chase, n' watches warily fo' his wheeling, even so did Hector follow close upon tha Achaeans, eva cappin' tha hindmost as dey rushed panic-stricken onwards. When dey had fled all up in tha set stakes n' trench n' nuff Achaeans had been laid low all up in tha handz o' tha Trojans, dey halted at dey ships, callin upon one another n' prayin every last mutha in playa instantly as dey lifted up dey handz ta tha gods; but Hector wheeled his horses dis way n' dat, his wild lil' in peeps glarin like dem o' Gorgo or murderous Mars.

Juno when her big- booty seen dem had pitizzle upon dem, n' at once holla'd ta Minerva, "Alas, lil pimp o' aegis-bearin Jove, shall you n' ah take nahh mo' thought fo' tha dyin Danaans, though it be tha last tyme we's eva do so, biatch? See how tha fuq dey perish n' come ta uh gangbangin' finger-lickin' dirty- ty- end 'bfoe tha onset o' but uh single . ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch yo. Hector tha lil hustla o' Priam rages wit intolerable fury, n' has already done pimped out mischizzle."

Minerva answered, "Would, indeed, dis fellow might take uh thugged-out dirtnap up in his own land, n' fall by tha handz o' tha Achaeans; but mah daddy Jove iz mad wit spleen, eva foilin me, eva headstrong n' unjust yo. forgets how tha fuq often ah saved his in lil hustla when da thug wuz worn up by tha labours Eurystheus had laid on his mutha in yo. would weep till his cry came up ta heaven, n' then Jove would bust me down ta he`p him; if ah had had tha sense ta foresee all dis here, when Eurystheus busted his ta tha doggy den o' Hades, ta fetch tha hell-hound from Erebus, da thug would never gots come back kickin it outta tha deep wataz o' tha river Styx fo' realz. an' now Jove hates me, while he lets Thetis gots her way cuz she busted his knees n' took hold o' his beard, when dat biiiiatch wuz beggin his ta do honour ta Achilles. ah shall know what tha fuq ta do next tyme his thugged-out lil' punk- begins callin me his wild lil' freakadelic grey-eyed darling. Git our horses ready, while ah go within tha doggy den o' aegis-bearin Jove n' put on mah armour; we's shall then smoke up whether Priamz lil hustla Hector iz ghon be glad ta hook up our es up in tha highwayz o' battle, or whether tha Trojans will glut houndz n' vultures wit tha fat o' dey flesh as dey da ruffneck dead by tha shipz o' tha Achaeans."

Thus did her big- booty drop uh rhyme n' whitey-armed Juno, daughta o' pimped out Saturn, obeyed her lyrics; her big- booty set bout harnessin her gold-bedizened steeds, while Minerva daughta o' aegis-bearin Jove flung her richly vesture, made wit her own hands, on ta tha threshold o' her father, n' donned tha hoodie o' Jove, armin her mutha in fo' battle. Then her big- booty stepped tha fuq into her flamin chariot, n' grasped tha spear so stout n' sturdy n' phat wit which she quells tha rankz o' heroes whoz gots displeased her n' sheeit. Juno lashed her horses, n' tha gatez o' heaven bellowed as dey flew open o' dey own accord- gates ova which tha Hours preside, up in whose handz iz heaven n' Olympus, either ta open tha dense cloud dat hides dem or ta close dat sheeit. Through deez tha goddesses drove dey obedient steeds.

But daddy Jove when da perved-out mutha a seen dem from Ida wuz straight-up mad salty, n' busted winged Iris wit uh message ta dem wild- mutha as. "Go," holla'd he, "fleet Iris, turn dem back, n' peep dat dey do not come near me, fo' if we's come ta fightin dere iz ghon be mischizzle. dis here iz what tha fuq ah say, n' dis iz what tha fuq ah mean ta do. ah'ma ty dey horses fo' dem; ah'ma hurl dem from dey chariot, n' will break it up in pieces. Well shiiiit, it will take dem all ten mutha in years ta heal tha woundz mah lightnin shall inflict upon dem; mah grey-eyed daughta will then learn what tha fuq quarrellin wit her daddy means. ah be less surprised n' mad salty wit Juno, fo' whatever ah say she always contradicts mah dirty ."

Wif dis Iris go her way, fleet as tha wind, from tha heightz o' Ida ta tha lofty summitz o' Olympus. Right back up in yo mutha in . Biatch kicked it wit tha goddesses all up in tha outa gatez o' its nuff valleys n' gave dem her message. "What," holla'd she, "is you about, biatch? iz you mad, biatch? Da lil hustla o' Saturn forbidz going. dis here iz what tha fuq da perved-out mutha a says, n' dis iz he means ta do, da thug will ty yo' horses fo' you, da thug will hurl you from yo' chariot, n' will break it up in pieces. Well shiiiit, it will take you all ten mutha in years ta heal tha woundz his in lightnin will inflict upon you, dat you may learn, grey-eyed goddess, what tha fuq quarrellin wit yo' daddy means yo. iz less hurt n' mad salty wit Juno, fo' whatever da perved-out mutha a say she always contradicts his but you, bold bold hussy, will you straight-up dare ta raise yo' big- spear up in defiizzle o' Jove?"

Wif dis she left dem, n' Juno holla'd ta Minerva, "o' uh truf, lil pimp o' aegis-bearin Jove, ah aint fo' fightin menz battlez further up in defiizzle o' Jove. Let dem live or take uh thugged-out dirtnap as luck gonna git it, n' let Jove mete up his judgements upon tha Trojans n' Danaans accordin ta his own pleasure."

beotch turned her steeds; tha Hours presently unyoked dem, made dem fast ta dey ambrosial mangers, n' leaned tha chariot against tha end wall o' tha courtyard. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Da two goddesses then sat down upon dey golden thrones, amid tha company o' tha other gods; but dey wuz straight-up mad salty.

Presently daddy Jove drove his chariot ta Olympus, n' entered tha embly o' gods. Da mighty lord o' tha earthquake unyoked his horses fo' him, set tha hoopty upon its stand, n' threw uh cold- lil clof ova dat sheeit. Jove then sat down upon his wild lil' freakadelic golden throne n' Olympus reeled beneaf his mutha in . Minerva n' Juno sat alone, apart from Jove, n' neither wuz rappin nor axed his thangs yo, but Jove knew what tha fuq dey meant, n' holla'd, "Minerva n' Juno, why iz you so mad salty, biatch? iz you fatigued wit cappin' all kindsa mutha in o' yo' dear playaz tha Trojans, biatch? Be dis as it may, such iz tha might o' mah handz dat all tha godz up in Olympus cannot turn me; you wuz bof o' y'all tremblin all ova ere eva you seen tha fight n' its ty bustins. ah rap therefore-an' it would gots surely been- ah should gots struck you wit lighting, n' yo' chariots would never gots brought you back ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in ta Olympus."

Minerva n' Juno groaned up in spirit as dey sat side by side n' brooded mischizzle fo' tha Trojans. Minerva sat silent without uh werd, fo' dat biiiiatch wuz up in uh gangbangin' furious boner n' bitterly incensed against her father; but Juno could not contain her mutha in n' holla'd, "What, dread lil hustla o' Saturn, iz you poppin' off about, biatch? we's know how tha fuq pimped out yo' juice iz, nevertheless our madness es gots comboner upon tha Danaan warriors whoz iz perishin n' comin ta uh gangbangin' finger-lickin' dirty- ty- end yo, but it ain't nahh stoppin cause ah be still poppin'. Us thugs will, however, since you so bid us, refrain from actual fightin yo, but we's will make serviceable suggestions ta tha Argives, dat dey may not all o' dem perish up in yo' displeasure."

an' Jove answered, "ta-morrow morning, Juno, if you chizzle ta do so, yo big- booty iz ghon peep tha lil hustla o' Saturn beatin tha livin shiznit outta big- numberz o' tha Argives, fo' fierce Hector shall not cease fightin till dat schmoooove mutha a has roused tha lil hustla o' Peleus when dey iz fightin up in dire straits at dey ships' sterns bout tha body o' Patroclus. Like it or nahh, dis iz how tha fuq it iz decreed; fo' aught ah care, you may git all up in tha lowest depths beneaf earf n' sea, where Iapetus n' Saturn dwell up in lone Tartarus wit neither ray o' light nor breaf o' wind ta cheer dem wild- mutha as. Yo may go on n' on till you git dere, n' ah shall not care one whit fo' yo' displeasure; yo iz tha top billin vixen living."

Juno made his nahh answer n' sheeit. Da sunz glorious orb now sank tha fuq into Oceanus n' drew down night ova tha land. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Sorry indeed wuz tha Trojans when light failed dem yo, but welcome n' thrice prayed fo' did darknizz fall upon tha Achaeans.

Then Hector hustled tha Trojans back from tha ships, n' held uh cold- lil council on tha open space near tha river, where dere wuz uh spot ear corpses. dey left dey chariots n' sat down on tha ground ta hear tha rap he made dem wild- mutha as yo. grasped uh spear eleven cubits long, tha bronze point o' which gleamed up in front o' it, while tha rang round tha spear-head waz o' gold Spear up in hand da perved-out mutha a spoke. "Hear me," holla'd he, "Trojans, Dardanians, n' allies. Put ya mutha in choppers up if ya feel dis! ah deemed but now dat ah should fuq wit tha ships n' all tha Achaeans wit dem ere ah go back ta Ilius yo, but darknizz came on too soon. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. Dat shiznit wuz dis ridin' solo dat saved dem n' dey ships upon tha seashore. Now, therefore, let our es obey tha behestz o' night, n' prepare our suppers. Take yo' horses outta dey chariots n' give dem dey feedz o' corn; then make speed ta brang sheep n' cattle from tha hood; brang Cristal also n' corn fo' yo' horses n' gather much wood, dat from dark till dawn we's may burn watchfires whose flare may reach ta heaven. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. fo' tha Achaeans may try ta fly beyond tha sea by night, n' dey mus' not embark scatheless n' unmolested; nuff uh playa among dem mus' take uh thugged-out dart wit his ta nurse at home, hit wit spear or arrow as he iz leapin on board his ship, dat others may fear ta brang war n' weepin upon tha Trojans. Mo'ova let tha heraldz tell it bout tha hood dat tha growin youths n' grey-bearded pimps iz ta camp upon its heaven-built walls. Let tha dem hoes each o' dem light uh pimped out fire up in her crib, n' let peep be safely kept lest tha hood be entered by surprise while tha host iz outside. Right back up in yo mutha in . See ta it, brave Trojans, as ah gots holla'd, n' let dis suffice fo' tha moment; at daybreak ah'ma instruct you further n' sheeit. ah pray up in hope ta Jove n' ta tha godz dat we's may then cruize dem fate-sped houndz from our land, fo' 'tis tha fates dat gots borne dem n' dey ships hither n' sheeit. dis here night, therefore, let our es keep peep it yo, but wit early mornin let our es put on our armour n' rouse fierce war all up in tha shipz o' tha Achaeans; ah shall then know whether brave Diomed tha lil hustla o' Tydeus will cruize me back from tha ships ta tha wall, or whether ah shall mah dirty slay his n' carry off his bloodstained spoils. ta-morrow let his show his madness- mettle, abide mah spear if da ruffneck dare. ah ween dat at break o' day, da perved-out mutha a shall be among tha straight-up original gangsta ta fall n' nuff another o' his comrades round his mutha in . Would dat ah wuz as shizzle o' bein immortal n' never growin old, n' o' bein worshipped like Minerva n' Apollo, as ah be dat dis dizzle will brang evil ta tha Argives."

Thus wuz rappin Hector n' tha Trojans shouted applause. dey took dey sweatin steedz from under tha yoke, n' made dem fast each by his own chariot. dey made haste ta brang sheep n' cattle from tha hood, dey brought Cristal also n' corn from dey houses n' gathered much wood. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! ah be fly as uh gangbangin' falcon, soarin all up in tha sky dawwwwg! dey then offered unblemished hecatombs ta tha immortals, n' tha wind carried tha dope savour o' sacrifice ta heaven- but tha pimped godz partook not thereof, fo' dey bitterly hated Ilius wit Priam n' Priamz s. Thus high up in hope dey sat all up in tha livelong night by tha highwayz o' war, n' nuff uh watchfire did dey kindle fo' realz. As when tha stars shine clear, n' tha moon iz bright- dere aint uh funky- breaf o' air, not uh peak nor glade nor juttin headland but it standz up in tha ineffable radiizzle dat breaks from tha serene o' heaven; tha stars can all o' dem be holla'd at n' tha o' tha shepherd iz glad- even thus shone tha watchfirez o' tha Trojans 'bfoe Ilius midway between tha ships n' tha river Xanthus fo' realz. uh thousand camp-fires gleamed upon tha plain, n' up in tha glow o' each dere sat fiddy s, while tha horses, champin oats n' corn beside dey chariots, waited till dawn should come.


Book 9: Red, whitey & BlondeEdit

Thus did tha Trojans watch. But Panic, comrade o' blood-stained Rout, had taken fast hold o' tha Achaeans n' dey princes wuz all o' dem up in despair fo' realz. As when tha two windz dat blow from Thrace- tha uptown n' tha northwest- sprang up o' uh sudden n' rouse tha fury o' tha main- up in uh moment tha dark waves uprear dey headz n' scatta dey sea-wrack up in all directions- even thus d wuz tha heartz o' tha Achaeans.

Da lil hustla o' Atreus up in dismay bade tha heraldz page tha playas ta uh cold- lil council playa by yo, but not ta cry tha matta aloud; he made haste also his dirty ta booty-page dem, n' dey sat sorry at up in dey embly fo' realz. Agamemnon shed tears as it wuz uh hustlin stream or cataract on tha side o' some sheer cliff; n' thus, wit nuff uh heavy bust uh funky- big- fart da perved-out mutha a wuz rappin ta tha Achaeans. "muh motha in in playas," holla'd he, "princes n' councillorz o' tha Argives, tha hand o' heaven has been laid heavily upon mah dirty . Wack Jove gave me his solemn promise dat ah should sack tha hood o' Troy 'bfoe returnin yo, but dat schmoooove mutha a has played mah madness false, n' iz now biddin me go ingloriously back ta Argos wit tha loss o' much s. Right back up in yo mutha in . Such iz tha will o' Jove, whoz has laid nuff uh proud as uh mutha a hood up in tha dust as da thug will yet lay others, fo' his thugged-out lil' juice be above all. Now, therefore, let our es all do as ah say n' sail back ta our own ghetto, fo' we's shall not take Troy."

Thus da perved-out mutha a spoke, n' tha lil playaz o' tha Achaeans fo' uh long- while sat sorrowful dere yo, but dey all held dey peace, till at last Diomed o' tha bangin battle-cry made answer sayin`, "Son o' Atreus, ah'ma chide yo' folly, as iz mah right up in council. Be not then aggrieved dat ah should do so. In tha straight-up original gangsta place you beat down me 'bfoe all tha Danaans n' holla'd dat ah wuz uh cold- lil coward n' nahh soldier n' sheeit. Da Argives lil' n' oldschool know dat you did so. But tha lil hustla o' schemin Saturn endowed you by halves only yo. gave you honour as tha chizzle rula ova our es yo, but valour, which iz tha highest bof right n' might da ruffneck did not give you, biatch. Right back up in yo mutha in . , be thinkin you dat tha lil playaz o' tha Achaeans iz indeed as unwarlike n' cowardly as you say dey is, biatch? If yo' own mind iz set upon goin home- go- tha way iz open ta you; tha nuff ships dat followed you from Mycene stand ranged upon tha seashore; but tha rest o' our es stay here till our madness es gots sacked Troy. Nay though deez too should turn homeward wit dey ships, Sthenelus n' mah dirty will still fight on till we's reach tha goal o' Ilius, fo' fo' heaven wuz wit our es when we's came."

Da lil playaz o' tha Achaeans shouted applause all up in tha lyrics o' Diomed, n' presently Nestor rose ta speak. "Son o' Tydeus," holla'd he, "in war yo' prowess iz beyond queshun, n' up in council you excel all whoz iz o' yo' own years; nahh one o' tha Achaeans can make light o' what tha fuq you say nor gainsay it yo, but you aint yet come ta tha end o' tha whole matter n' sheeit. Yo iz still young- you might be tha youngest o' mah own chil'ns- still you gots spoken wisely n' gots counselled tha chizzle o' tha Achaeans not without discretion; nevertheless ah be olda than you n' ah'ma rap every" thang; therefore let nahh, not even Mackdaddy Agamemnon, disregard mah sayin`, fo' tha pimpin' mutha a dat foments civil discord be uh cold- lil clanless, hearthless outlaw.

"Now, however, let our es obey tha behestz o' night n' git our suppers yo, but let tha sentinels every last mutha in playa o' dem camp by tha trench dat iz without tha wall. ah be givin deez instructions ta tha lil' s; when dey done been attended ta, do you, lil hustla o' Atreus, give yo' orders, fo' yo iz da most thugged-out royal among our es all. Prepare uh gangbangin' feast fo' yo' councillors; it iz right n' reasonable dat you should do so; dere be abundizzle o' Cristal up in yo' tents, which tha shipz o' tha Achaeans brang from Thrace everyday. Yo gots every last mutha in thang at yo' disposal wherewif ta entertain guests, n' you gots nuff subjects, n' you can put dat on yo' toast. When nuff iz gots together, you can be guided by his whose counsel iz wisest- n' sorely do we's need shrewd n' prudent counsel, fo' tha foe has lit his watchfires hard by our ships. Dum diddy-dum, here ah come biaaatch! Who tha fuq can be other than dismayed, biatch? dis here night will either be tha fuq up o' our host, or save dat sheeit."

Thus did da perved-out mutha a speak, n' dey did even as dat schmoooove mutha a had holla'd. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Da sentinels go up in dey armour under command o' Nestorz lil hustla Thrasymedes, uh cold- lil captain o' tha host, n' o' tha bold warriors Ascalaphus n' Ialmenus: dere wuz also Meriones, Aphareus n' Deipyrus, n' tha lil hustla o' Creion, noble Lycomedes. dere wuz seven captainz o' tha sentinels, n' wit each dere go uh hundred youths armed wit long spears: dey took dey places midway between tha trench n' tha wall, n' when dey had done so dey lit dey fires n' gots every last mutha in playa his supper.

Da lil hustla o' Atreus then bade nuff councillorz o' tha Achaeans ta his quartas prepared uh pimped out feast up in dey honour. Shiiit, dis aint nahh joke. dey laid dey handz on tha phat thangs dat wuz 'bfoe dem, n' as soon as dey had enough ta smoke n' drink, oldschool Nestor, whose counsel wuz eva truest, wuz tha straight-up original gangsta ta lay his madness- mind 'bfoe dem wild- mutha as yo. He, therefore, wit all sinceritizzle n' goodwill addressed dem thus.

"Wif yo , most noble lil hustla o' Atreus, mackdaddy o' s, Agamemnon, will ah bof begin mah rap n' end it, fo' yo iz mackdaddy ova much s. Jove, moreover, has vouchsafed you ta wield tha sceptre n' ta uphold righteousness, dat you may take thought fo' yo' playas under you; therefore it behooves you above all others bof ta drop uh rhyme n' ta give ear, n' ta up tha counsel o' another whoz shall done been minded ta drop uh rhyme wisely fo' realz. All turns on you n' on yo' commands, therefore ah'ma say what tha fuq ah be thinkin iz ghon be bomb. nahh playa iz ghon be o' uh truer mind than dat which has been mine from tha minute when you, , angered Achillez by takin tha hoe Briseis from his cold- tent against mah judgment. ah urged you not ta do so yo, but you yielded ta yo' own pride, n' dishonoured uh pimp whom heaven itself had honoured- fo' you still hold tha prize dat had been awarded ta his mutha in . Now, however, let our es be thinkin how tha fuq we's may appease him, bof wit presents n' fair speeches dat may conciliate his mutha in ."

an' Mackdaddy Agamemnon answered, " , you gots reproved mah folly justly. ah wuz wrong. ah own dat sheeit. One whom heaven befriendz iz up in his dirty uh host, n' Jove has shown dat his thugged-out lil' punk- befriendz dis playa by beatin tha livin shiznit outta much playaz o' tha Achaeans. ah wuz blinded wit boner n' yielded ta mah worser mind; therefore ah'ma make amends, n' will give his pimped out gifts by way o' atonement. ah'ma tell dem up in tha presence o' y'all. ah'ma give his seven tripodz dat gots never yet been on tha fire, n' ten talentz o' gold. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! ah'ma give his tweny iron cauldrons n' twelve phat horses dat gots won races n' carried off prizes. Rich, indeed, bof up in land n' gold iz tha pimpin' mutha a dat has as nuff prizes as mah horses gots won mah dirty . ah'ma give his seven pimpin workwomen, Lesbians, whom ah chose fo' mah dirty when tha pimpin' mutha a took Lesbos- all o' surpin beauty. ah'ma give his deez, n' wit dem her whom ah erewhile took from him, tha daughta o' Briseus; n' ah swear uh pimped out oaf dat ah never go up tha fuq into her couch, nor done been wit her afta tha manner o' pimps n' dem hoes.

"All deez thangs will ah give his now down, n' if hereafta tha godz vouchsafe me ta sack tha hood o' Priam, let his come when we's Achaeans iz dividin tha spoil, n' load his shizzle wit gold n' bronze ta his in liking; furthermore let his take tweny Trojan dem hoes, tha loveliest afta Helen her mutha in . Then, when we's reach Achaean Argos, wealthiest o' all lands, da perved-out mutha a shall be mah son-in-law n' ah'ma show his like honour wit mah own dear lil hustla Orestes, whoz iz bein nurtured up in all abundance. ah gots three daughters, Chrysothemis, Laodice, n' lphiana, let his take tha one o' his chizzle, freely n' without giftz o' wooing, ta tha doggy den o' Peleus; ah'ma add such dower ta boot as nahh playa eva yet gave his in lil' daughter, n' will give his seven well established ghettos, Cardamyle, Enope, n' Hire, where dere iz gr; holy Pherae n' tha rich meadowz o' Anthea; Aepea also, n' tha vine-clad slopez o' Pedasus, all near tha sea, n' on tha bordaz o' sandy Pylos. Da pimps dat dwell dere be rich up in cattle n' sheep; dey will honour his wit gifts as though da thug wuz uh god, n' be obedient ta his in laid back ordinances fo' realz. All dis will ah do if da thug will now forgo his thugged-out anger n' sheeit. Let his then yieldit iz only Hades whoz iz utterly ruthless n' unyielding- n' hence he iz o' all godz tha one most hateful ta mankind. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Mo'ova ah be olda n' mo' royal than his dirty . Therefore, let his now obey mah dirty ."

Then Nestor answered, "Most noble lil hustla o' Atreus, mackdaddy o' s, Agamemnon. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. Da gifts you offer iz nahh lil' small- ones, let our es then bust chosen messengers, whoz may git all up in tha tent o' Achillez lil hustla o' Peleus without delay. Let dem go whom ah shall name. Let Phoenix, dear ta Jove, lead tha way; let Ajax n' Ulysses follow, n' let tha heraldz Odius n' Eurybates go wit dem wild- mutha as. Now brang wata fo' our hands, n' bid all keep silence while we's pray ta Jove tha lil hustla o' Saturn, if so be dat he may gots mercy upon us."

Thus did da perved-out mutha a speak, n' his sayin pleased dem well. s-servants poured wata ova tha handz o' tha guests, while pages filled tha mixing-bowls wit Cristal n' water, n' handed it round afta givin every last mutha in playa his in lil' drink-offering; then, when dey had made dey offerings, n' had faded each as much as da thug wuz minded, tha envoys set up from tha tent o' Agamemnon lil hustla o' Atreus; n' Nestor, lookin first ta one n' then ta another yo, but most especially at Ulysses, wuz instant wit dem dat dey should prevail wit tha noble lil hustla o' Peleus.

dey go dey way by tha shore o' tha soundin sea, n' prayed earnestly ta earf-encirclin Neptune dat tha high spirit o' tha lil hustla o' Aeacus might incline favourably towardz dem wild- mutha as. When dey reached tha ships n' tentz o' tha Myrmidons, dey found Achillez playin on uh lyre, fair, o' cunnin workmanship, n' its cross-bar waz o' silver n' sheeit. Dat shiznit wuz part o' tha spoils which dat schmoooove mutha a had taken when da perved-out mutha a sacked tha hood o' Eetion, n' da thug wuz now divertin his dirty wit it n' rappin tha featz o' heroes yo. wuz ridin' solo wit Patroclus, whoz sat opposite ta his n' holla'd nuttin', waitin till da perved-out mutha a should cease rappin. Ulysses n' Ajax now came in- Ulysses leadin tha way -an' stood 'bfoe his mutha in fo' realz. Achillez sprang from his seat wit tha lyre still up in his hand, n' Patroclus, when da perved-out mutha a seen tha strangers, rose also fo' realz. Achillez then greeted dem sayin`, "All hail n' welcome- you mus' come upon some pimped out matter, you, whoz fo' all mah anger iz still dearest ta me o' tha Achaeans."

Wif dis dat schmoooove mutha a hustled dem forward, n' bade dem sit on seats covered wit purple rugs; then da perved-out mutha a holla'd ta Patroclus whoz wuz close by him, "Son o' Menoetius, set uh larger bowl upon tha table, mix less wata wit tha colt 45, n' give every last mutha in playa his cup, fo' deez iz straight-up dear playas, whoz iz now under mah roof."

Patroclus did as his comrade bade him; da perved-out mutha a set tha chopping-block up in front o' tha fire, n' on it he laid tha loin o' uh gangbangin' finger-lickin' dirty- sheep, tha loin also o' uh goat, n' tha chine o' uh gangbangin' fat hog fo' realz. Automedon held tha meat while Achillez chopped it; tha pimpin' mutha a then sliced tha pieces n' put dem on spits while tha lil hustla o' Menoetius made tha fire burn high. When tha flame had took uh dirt nap down, da perved-out mutha a spread tha embers, laid tha spits on top o' dem, liftin dem up n' settin dem upon tha spit-racks; n' da perved-out mutha a sprinkled dem wit salt. When tha meat wuz roasted, da perved-out mutha a set it on platters, n' handed bread round tha table up in fair baskets, while Achillez dealt dem dey portions. Then Achillez took his seat facin Ulysses against tha opposite wall, n' bade his comrade Patroclus offer sacrifice ta tha gods; so his schmoooove cast tha offerings tha fuq into tha fire, n' dey laid dey handz upon tha phat thangs dat wuz 'bfoe dem wild- mutha as fo' realz. As soon as dey had had enough ta smoke n' drink, Ajax done cooked up uh sign ta Phoenix, n' when da perved-out mutha a seen dis here, Ulysses filled his cup wit Cristal n' pledged Achilles.

"Hail," holla'd he, "Achilles, our madness es gots had nahh scant o' phat cheer, neither up in tha tent o' Agamemnon, nor yet here; dere has been loadz ta smoke n' drink yo, but our thought turns upon nahh such matter n' sheeit. Right back up in yo mutha in . , we's iz up in tha grill o' pimped out fuq up, n' without yo' he`p know not whether we's shall save our fleet or lose dat sheeit. Da Trojans n' dey allies gots camped hard by our ships n' by tha wall; dey gots lit watchfires all up in dey host n' deem dat not uh god damn thang can now prevent dem from fallin on our fleet. Jove, moreover, has busted his in lightnings on dey right; Hector, up in all his wild lil' freakadelic glory, rages like uh maniac; Kool & Tha Gang dat Jove iz wit his he fears neither god nor yo, but iz gone ravin mad, n' prays fo' tha approach o' day. It make me wanna hollar playa! vows dat da thug will hew tha high sternz o' our ships up in pieces, set fire ta dey hulls, n' make havoc o' tha Achaeans while dey iz dazed n' smothered up in smoke; ah much fear dat heaven will make phat his boasting, n' it will prove our lot ta perish at Troy far from our home up in Argos. Up, then, n' late though it be, save tha lil playaz o' tha Achaeans whoz faint 'bfoe tha fury o' tha Trojans. Yo will repent bitterly hereafta if you do not, fo' when tha harm iz done dere iz ghon be nahh curin it; consider ere it be too late, n' save tha Danaans from destruction.

"muh motha in in phat playa, when yo' daddy Peleus busted you from Phthia ta Agamemnon, did he not charge you sayin`, 'Son, Minerva n' Juno will make you phat if dey chizzle yo, but check yo' high temper, fo' tha betta part iz up in goodwill. Eschew vain quarrelling, n' tha Achaeans oldschool n' lil' will respect you mo' fo' bustin so.' deez wuz his in lyrics yo, but you gots forgotten dem wild- mutha as. Even now, however, be appeased, n' put away yo' anger from you, biatch fo' realz. Agamemnon will make you pimped out amendz if yo big- booty iz ghon forgive him; listen, n' ah'ma rap what tha fuq dat schmoooove mutha a has holla'd up in his cold- tent dat da thug will give you, biatch yo. will hit you wit seven tripodz dat gots never yet been on tha fire, n' ten talentz o' gold; tweny iron cauldrons, n' twelve phat horses dat gots won races n' carried off prizes. Rich indeed bof up in land n' gold iz da thug whoz has as nuff prizes as deez horses gots won fo' Agamemnon. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. Mo'ova da thug will hit you wit seven pimpin workwomen, Lesbians, whom his schmoooove chose fo' his dirty , when you took Lesbos- all o' surpin beauty yo. will hit you wit deez, n' wit dem her whom he erewhile took from you, tha daughta o' Briseus, n' da thug will swear uh pimped out oaf, dat schmoooove mutha a has never gone up tha fuq into her couch nor been wit her afta tha manner o' pimps n' dem hoes. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch fo' realz. All deez thangs will dat schmoooove mutha a hit you wit now down, n' if hereafta tha godz vouchsafe his ta sack tha hood o' Priam, you can come when we's Achaeans iz dividin tha spoil, n' load yo' shizzle wit gold n' bronze ta yo' liking. Yo can take tweny Trojan dem hoes, tha loveliest afta Helen her mutha in . Then, when we's reach Achaean Argos, wealthiest o' all lands, you shall be his son-in-law, n' da thug will show you like honour wit his own dear lil hustla Orestes, whoz iz bein nurtured up in all abundizzle fo' realz. Agamemnon has three daughters, Chrysothemis, Laodice, n' Iphiana; you may take tha one o' yo' chizzle, freely n' without giftz o' wooing, ta tha doggy den o' Peleus; da thug will add such dower ta boot as nahh playa eva yet gave his in lil' daughter, n' will hit you wit seven well-established ghettos, Cardamyle, Enope, n' Hire where dere iz gr; holy Pheras n' tha rich meadowz o' Anthea; Aepea also, n' tha vine-clad slopez o' Pedasus, all near tha sea, n' on tha bordaz o' sandy Pylos. Da pimps dat dwell dere be rich up in cattle n' sheep; dey will honour you wit gifts as though wuz uh god, n' be obedient ta yo' laid back ordinances fo' realz. All dis will da ruffneck do if yo big- booty iz ghon now forgo yo' anger n' sheeit. Mo'ova, though you don' give uh fuq bout bof his n' his wild lil' freakadelic gifts wit all yo' , yet pitizzle tha rest o' tha Achaeans whoz iz bein hared up in all dey host; dey will honour you as uh god, n' yo big- booty iz ghon git pimped out glory at dey hands. Yo might even bust uh cap up in Hector; da thug will come within yo' reach, fo' he iz infatuated, n' declares dat not uh Danaan whom tha ships gots brought can hold his own against his mutha in ."

Achillez answered, "Ulysses, noble lil hustla o' Laertes, ah should hit you wit formal notice plainly n' up in all fixitizzle o' purpose dat dere be nahh mo' o' dis cajoling, from whatsoever quarta it may come yo. Him do ah don' give uh fuq bout even as tha gatez o' hell whoz say one thang while dat schmoooove mutha a hides another up in his heart; therefore ah'ma say what tha fuq ah mean. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. ah'ma be appeased neither by Agamemnon lil hustla o' Atreus nor by any other o' tha Danaans, fo' ah peep dat ah gots nahh props fo' all mah fightin yo. dat fights fares nahh betta than tha pimpin' mutha a dat do not; coward n' pimp iz held up in equal honour, n' dirtnap deals like measure ta his whoz werkz n' his whoz iz idle. ah gots taken not uh god damn thang by all mah bull s- wit mah game eva up in mah hand; as uh funky- bird when dat freaky freaky biatch has found uh morsel takes it ta her nestlings, n' her mutha in fares hardly, even so playa uh long- night gots ah been wakeful, n' nuff uh funky- bloody battle gots ah waged by dizzle against dem playas whoz wuz fightin fo' dey dem hoes. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. Wif mah ships ah gots taken twelve ghettos, n' eleven round bout Troy gots ah stormed wit mah pimps by land; ah took pimped out swapmeet o' wealf from every last mutha in one o' dem yo, but ah gave all up ta Agamemnon lil hustla o' Atreus yo. stayed where da thug wuz by his ships, yet o' what tha fuq came ta his he gave lil, n' kept much his dirty .

"Nevertheless da ruffneck did distribute some meedz o' honour among tha chizzletains n' mackdaddys, n' deez gots dem still; from me ridin' solo o' tha Achaeans did tha pimpin' mutha a take tha biatch up in whom ah delighted- let his keep her n' chill wit her n' sheeit. Why, pray, mus' tha Argives needz fight tha Trojans, biatch? What made tha lil hustla o' Atreus gather tha host n' brang dem, biatch? wuz it not fo' tha sake o' Helen, biatch? iz tha lil playaz o' Atreus tha only pimps up in tha ghetto whoz ludd dey wives, biatch? Any playa o' common right feelin will ludd n' cherish her whoz iz his own, as ah dis biatch, wit mah whole , though dat biiiiatch wuz but uh gangbangin' fruitlin o' mah spear fo' realz. Agamemnon has taken her from me; dat schmoooove mutha a has played mah madness false; ah know him; let his tempt me nahh further, fo' da perved-out mutha a shall not move mah dirty . Let his peep ta you, Ulysses, n' ta tha other princes ta save his ships from burnin yo. has done much without me already yo. has built uh wall; dat schmoooove mutha a has dug uh trench deep n' wide all round it, n' dat schmoooove mutha a has planted it within wit stakes; but even so da perved-out mutha a stays not tha murderous might o' Hector. Shiiit, dis aint nahh joke. Right back up in yo mutha in . So long as ah fought tha Achaeans Hector suffered not tha battle range far from tha hood walls; da thug would come ta tha Scaean gates n' ta tha oak tree yo, but nahh further n' sheeit. Once da perved-out mutha a stayed ta hook up wit me n' hardly did he escape mah onset: now, however, since ah be up in nahh vibe ta fight him, ah'ma ta-morrow offer sacrifice ta Jove n' ta all tha gods; ah'ma draw mah ships tha fuq into tha wata n' then victual dem duly; ta-morrow morning, if you care ta peep, yo big- booty iz ghon peep mah ships on tha Hellespont, n' mah pimps rowin up ta sea wit might n' main. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. If pimped out Neptune vouchsafes me uh gangbangin' fair page, up in three minutes ah shall be up in Phthia. ah gots much dere dat ah left behind mah madness when ah came here ta mah sorrow, n' ah shall brang back still further swapmeet o' gold, o' red copper, o' fair dem hoes, n' o' iron, mah share o' tha spoils dat our madness es gots taken; but one prize, da thug whoz gave has insolently taken away. Tell his all as ah now bid you, n' tell his up in hood dat tha Achaeans may don' give uh fuq bout his n' beware o' his should tha pimpin' mutha a be thinkin dat his schmoooove can yet dupe others fo' his wild lil' in effrontery never fails his mutha in .

"As fo' me, hound dat he iz, da ruffneck dares not peep me up in tha face. ah'ma take nahh counsel wit him, n' will undertake not uh god damn thang up in common wit his mutha in yo. has wronged mah madness n' deceived mah madness enough, da perved-out mutha a shall not cozen me further; let his go his own way, fo' Jove has robbed his o' his bangin reason. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. ah loathe his thugged-out lil' presents, n' fo' his dirty care not one straw yo. may offer me ten or even tweny times what tha fuq dat schmoooove mutha a has now done, nay- not though it be all dat dat schmoooove mutha a has up in tha ghetto, bof now or eva shall gots; he may promise me tha wealf o' Orchomenus or o' Egyptian Thebes, which iz tha richest hood up in tha whole ghetto, fo' it has uh hundred gates all up in each o' which two hundred pimps may cruize at once wit dey chariots n' horses; he may offer me gifts as tha sandz o' tha sea or tha dust o' tha plain up in multitude yo, but even so da perved-out mutha a shall not move me till ah done been revenged up in full fo' tha bitta wack dat schmoooove mutha a has done mah dirty . ah'ma not marry his in lil' daughter; she may be fair as Venus, n' skilful as Minerva yo, but ah'ma gots none o' her: let another take her, whoz may be uh phat match fo' her n' whoz rulez uh larger mackdaddydom. If tha godz spare me ta return home, Peleus will find mah madness uh hoe; dere be Achaean dem hoes up in Hellas n' Phthia, daughtaz o' mackdaddys dat gots ghettos under dem; o' deez ah can take whom ah'ma n' marry her n' sheeit. Many uh tyme wuz ah minded when up in da crib up in Phthia ta woo n' wed uh biatch whoz would make me uh suitable hoe, n' ta trip off tha richez o' mah oldschool daddy Peleus. muh motha in in game iz mo' ta me than all tha wealf o' Ilius while dat shiznit wuz yet at peace 'bfoe tha Achaeans go dere, or than all tha treasure dat lies on tha stone floor o' Apolloz temple beneaf tha cliffz o' Pytho. Cattle n' sheep iz ta be had fo' harrying, n' uh playa loot bof tripodz n' horses if da thug wants dem yo, but when his wild lil' freakadelic game has once left his it can neither be looted nor harried back ag'in.

"muh motha in in mutha Thetis drops some lyrics ta me dat dere be two ways up in which ah may hook up mah end yo, but it ain't nahh stoppin cause ah be still poppin'. If ah stay here n' fight, ah shall not return kickin it but mah name will live fo' ever: whereas if ah bounce back ta tha doggy den mah name will die yo, but it iz ghon be long ere dirtnap shall take mah dirty . ta tha rest o' you, then, ah say, 'Go home, fo' yo big- booty iz ghon not take Ilius.' Jove has held his hand ova her ta protect her, n' her playas gots taken . Go, therefore, as up in duty bound, n' tell tha princez o' tha Achaeans tha message dat ah gots busted dem; tell dem ta find some other plan fo' tha savin o' dey ships n' s, fo' so long as mah displeasure lasts tha one dat dey gots now hit upon may not be fo' realz. As fo' Phoenix, let his chill here dat he may sail wit me up in tha mornin if da perved-out mutha a so will. But ah'ma not take his by force."

dey all held dey peace, dismayed all up in tha sternnizz wit which dat schmoooove mutha a had denied dem, till presently tha oldschool knight Phoenix up in his wild lil' freakadelic pimped out fear fo' tha shipz o' tha Achaeans, burst tha fuq into tears n' holla'd, "Noble Achilles, if yo iz now minded ta return, n' up in tha fiercenizz o' yo' anger will do not uh god damn thang ta save tha ships from burning, how, mah son, can ah remain here without yo slick , biatch? Yo madness- daddy Peleus bade me go wit you when da perved-out mutha a busted you as uh mere lad from Phthia ta Agamemnon. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. Yo knew not uh god damn thang neither o' war nor o' tha arts whereby pimps make dey mark up in council, n' da perved-out mutha a busted mah madness wit you ta train you up in all excellence o' rap n' action. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. Therefore, mah son, ah'ma not stay here without you- nahh, not though heaven itself vouchsafe ta strip mah mutha in years from off me, n' make me lil' as ah wuz when ah first left Hellas tha land o' fair dem hoes. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. ah wuz then flyin tha anger o' daddy Amyntor, lil hustla o' Ormenus, whoz wuz furious wit me up in tha matta o' his concubine, o' whom da thug wuz enamoured ta tha wrongin o' his hoe mah mutha n' sheeit. muh motha in in motha, therefore, prayed mah madness without ceasin ta lie wit tha biatch mah dirty, dat so dat freaky freaky biatch don' give uh fuq bout mah father, n' up in tha course o' tyme ah yielded. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! But mah daddy soon came ta know, n' cursed mah madness bitterly, callin tha dread Erinyes ta witnizz yo. prayed dat nahh lil hustla o' mine might eva sit upon knees- n' tha gods, Jove o' tha ghetto below n' wack Proserpine, fulfilled his curse. ah took counsel ta bust uh cap up in his yo, but some god stayed mah rashnizz n' bade me be thinkin on menz evil tongues n' how tha fuq ah should be branded as tha murderer o' mah father: nevertheless ah could not bear ta stay up in mah fatherz doggy den wit his so bitta uh against mah dirty . muh motha in in cousins n' clansmen came bout me, n' pressed mah madness sorely ta remain; nuff uh gangbangin' finger-lickin' dirty- sheep n' nuff uh ox did dey slaughter, n' nuff uh gangbangin' fat hog did dey set down ta roast 'bfoe tha fire; nuff uh jar, too, did dey broach o' mah fatherz dat schmoooooove alcatronic sheeit. Nine whole nights did dey set uh guard ova me takin it up in turns ta peep it, n' dey kept uh gangbangin' fire always burning, bof up in tha cloista o' tha outa court n' up in tha inner court all up in tha doorz o' tha room wherein ah lay; but when tha darknizz o' tha tenf night came, ah broke all up in tha closed doorz o' mah room, n' climbed tha wall o' tha outa court afta pin quickly n' unperceived all up in tha pimps on guard n' tha dem hoes servants, n' you can put dat on yo' toast. ah then fled all up in Hellas till ah came ta fertile Phthia, mutha o' sheep, n' ta Mackdaddy Peleus, whoz made me welcome n' treated mah madness as uh gangbangin' daddy treats uh only lil hustla whoz iz ghon be heir ta all his wealf yo. made me rich n' set me ova much s, establishin me on tha bordaz o' Phthia where ah wuz chizzle rula ova tha Dolopians.

"Dat shiznit wuz ah, Achilles, whoz had tha makin o' you; ah loved you wit all mah heart: fo' you would smoke neither up in da crib nor when you had gone up elsewhere, till ah had first set you upon mah knees, cut up tha dainty morsel dat you wuz ta eat, n' held tha colt 45-cup ta yo' lips. Many uh tyme gots you slobbered yo' Cristal up in baby helplessnizz ova mah shirt; ah had infinite shiznit wit you yo, but ah knew dat heaven had vouchsafed mah madness nahh offsprin o' mah own, n' ah done cooked up uh lil hustla o' you, Achilles, dat up in mah minute o' need you might protect mah dirty . Now, therefore, ah say battle wit yo' pride n' beat it; cherish not yo' anger fo' ever; tha might n' majesty o' heaven iz mo' than ours yo, but even heaven may be appeased; n' if uh playa has sinned he prays tha gods, n' reconcilez dem ta his dirty by his thugged-out lil' piteous cries n' by frankincense, wit drink-offerings n' tha savour o' burnt sacrifice. fo' lyrics iz as daughtas ta pimped out Jove; halt, wrinkled, wit peeps askance, dey follow up in tha footstepz o' sin, who, bein fierce n' fleet o' foot, leaves dem far behind him, n' eva baneful ta mankind outstrips dem even ta tha endz o' tha ghetto; but nevertheless tha lyrics come hobblin n' healin afta n' sheeit. If uh playa has pitizzle upon deez daughtaz o' Jove when dey draw near him, dey will bless his n' hear his too when he iz praying; but if da ruffneck deny dem n' aint gonna dig dem, dey git all up in Jove tha lil hustla o' Saturn n' pray dat he may presently fall tha fuq into sin- ta his bangin ruin bitterly hereafter n' sheeit. Therefore, Achilles, give deez daughtaz o' Jove due reverence, n' bow 'bfoe dem as all phat pimps will bow. wuz not tha lil hustla o' Atreus offerin you gifts n' promisin others later- if da thug wuz still furious n' implacable- ah aint tha pimpin' mutha a dat would bid you throw off yo' anger n' he`p tha Achaeans, nahh matta how tha fuq pimped out dey need; but he iz givin much now, n' mo' hereafter; dat schmoooove mutha a has busted his captains ta urge his suit, n' has chosen dem playas whoz o' all tha Argives iz most aaight ta you; make not then dey lyrics n' dey comin ta be o' none effect. Yo madness- anger has been righteous so far. Shiiit, dis aint nahh joke. Our thugged-out es gots heard up in cold lil' woo wop how tha fuq heroez o' oldschool tyme quarrelled when dey wuz roused ta fury yo, but still dey could be won by gifts, n' fair lyrics could soothe dem wild- mutha as.

"ah gots uh oldschool rap up in mah mind- uh straight-up oldschool one- but yo be all playaz n' ah'ma tell dat sheeit. Da Curetes n' tha Aetolians wuz fightin n' cappin' one another round Calydon- tha Aetolians representin' tha hood n' tha Curetes tryin ta fuq wit dat sheeit. fo' Diana o' tha golden throne wuz mad salty n' did dem hurt cuz Oeneus had not offered her his harvest first-fruits, n' you can put dat on yo' toast. Da other godz had all been feasted wit hecatombs yo, but ta tha daughta o' pimped out Jove ridin' solo dat schmoooove mutha a had made nahh sacrifice yo. had forgotten her, or somehow or other it had escaped him, n' dis wuz uh grievous sin. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. Thereon tha archer goddess up in her displeasure busted uh prodigious creature against him- uh savage wild boar wit pimped out whitey tusks dat did much harm ta his orchard lands, uprootin apple-trees up in full bloom n' throwin dem ta tha ground. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! But Meleager lil hustla o' Oeneus gots huntsmen n' houndz from nuff ghettos n' capped it- fo' dat shiznit wuz so monstrous dat not all dem wuz needed, n' nuff uh playa done did it stretch upon his wild lil' funeral pyre. On dis tha goddess set tha Curetes n' tha Aetolians fightin furiously bout tha head n' skin o' tha boar.

"So long as Meleager wuz up in tha field thangs go badly wit tha Curetes, n' fo' all dey numbers dey could not hold dey ground under tha hood walls; but up in tha course o' tyme Meleager wuz angered as even uh wise playa will sometimes be yo. wuz incensed wit his madness- mutha Althaea, n' therefore stayed up in da crib wit his wedded hoe fair Cleopatra, whoz wuz daughta o' Marpessa daughta o' Euenus, n' o' Ides tha playa then livin yo. dat shiznit wuz whoz took his bow n' faced Mackdaddy Apollo his dirty fo' fair Marpessaz sake; her daddy n' mutha then named her Alcyone, cuz her mutha had mourned wit tha plaintizzle strainz o' tha halcyon-bird when Phoebus Apollo had carried her off. Meleager, then, stayed up in da crib wit Cleopatra, nursin tha anger which he felt by reason o' his madness- motherz curses yo. His motha, grievin fo' tha dirtnap o' her brudda, prayed tha gods, n' beat tha earf wit her hands, callin upon Hades n' on wack Proserpine; dat biiiiatch go down upon her knees n' her bosom wuz wet wit tears as she prayed dat dey would bust uh cap up in her son- n' Erinys dat strutts up in darknizz n' knows nahh ruf heard her from Erebus.

"Then wuz heard tha din o' battle bout tha gatez o' Calydon, n' tha dull thump o' tha batterin against dey walls. Thereon tha eldaz o' tha Aetolians besought Meleager; dey busted tha chizzleest o' dey priests, n' begged his ta come up n' he`p dem, promisin his uh pimped out reward. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! dey bade his chizzle fiddy plough-gates, da most thugged-out fertile up in tha plain o' Calydon, tha one-half vineyard n' tha other open plough-land. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Da oldschool warrior Oeneus implored him, standin all up in tha threshold o' his bangin room n' whoopin tha doors up in supplication. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch yo. His sistas n' his madness- mutha her mutha in besought his sore yo, but tha pimpin' mutha a tha mo' refused dem; dem o' his comrades whoz wuz nearest n' dearest ta his also prayed his yo, but dey could not move his till tha foe wuz batterin all up in tha straight-up doorz o' his chamber, n' tha Curetes had scaled tha walls n' wuz settin fire ta tha hood. Then at last his sorrowin hoe detailed tha horrors dat befall dem whose hood iz taken; she reminded his how tha fuq tha pimps iz slain, n' tha hood iz given ova ta tha flames, while tha dem hoes n' lil pimps iz carried tha fuq into captivity; when dat schmoooove mutha a heard all dis here, his thugged-out wuz touched, n' da ruffneck donned his thugged-out armour ta go forf. Thuz o' his own inward motion da perved-out mutha a saved tha hood o' tha Aetolians; but dey now gave his not uh god damn thang o' dem rich rewardz dat dey had offered earlier, n' though da perved-out mutha a saved tha hood tha pimpin' mutha a took not uh god damn thang by dat sheeit. Be not then, mah son, thus minded; let not heaven lure you tha fuq into any such course. When tha ships iz burnin it iz ghon be uh harder matta ta save dem wild- mutha as. Take tha gifts, n' go, fo' tha Achaeans will then honour you as uh god; whereas if you fight without takin dem, you may beat tha battle back yo, but yo big- booty iz ghon not be held up in like honour."

an' Achillez answered, "Phoenix, oldschool playa n' father, ah gots nahh need o' such honour. Shiiit, dis aint nahh joke. ah gots honour from Jove his dirty , which will abide wit me at mah ships while ah gots breaf up in mah body, n' mah limbs iz strong. ah say further- n' lay mah sayin ta yo' heart- vex me nahh mo' wit dis weepin n' lamentation, all up in tha cause o' tha lil hustla o' Atreus. Ludd his so well, n' you may lose tha ludd ah bear you, biatch. Yo ought ta he`p me up in troublin dem dat shiznit me; be mackdaddy as much as ah be, n' share like honour wit mah dirty ; tha others shall take mah answer; stay here yo n' chill comfortably up in yo' bed; at daybreak we's will consider whether ta remain or go."

On dis she nodded on tha in' down-lowly ta Patroclus as uh sign dat da thug wuz ta prepare uh funky- bed fo' Phoenix, n' dat tha others should take dey mutha in bounce fo' realz. Ajax lil hustla o' Telamon then holla'd, "Ulysses, noble lil hustla o' Laertes, let our es be gone, fo' ah peep dat our trip iz vain. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. we's mus' now take our answer, unwelcome though it be, ta tha Danaans whoz iz waitin ta receive it fo' realz. Achillez iz savage n' remorseless; he iz wack, n' cares not uh god damn thang fo' tha ludd his comrades lavished upon his mo' than on all tha others yo. iz implacable- n' yet if uh manz brutha or lil hustla has been slain da thug will accept uh gangbangin' fine by way o' amendz from his dat capped him, n' tha wrong-doer havin paid up in full remains up in peace among his own s; but as fo' you, Achilles, tha godz gots put uh wicked unforgivin spirit up in yo' , n' dis here, all bout one single beotch, whereas we's now offer you tha seven dopest our madness es gots, n' much else tha fuq into tha bargain. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. Be then o' uh mo' gracious mind, respect tha hospitizzleitizzle o' yo' own roof. we's iz wit you as messengers from tha host o' tha Danaans, n' would fain dat schmoooove mutha a held nearest n' dearest ta yo o' all tha Achaeans."

"Ajax," replied Achilles, "noble lil hustla o' Telamon, you gots spoken much ta mah likin yo, but mah blood boils when ah be thinkin all dat shiznit ova, n' remember how tha fuq tha lil hustla o' Atreus treated mah madness wit contumely as though ah wuz some vile tramp, n' dat too up in tha presence o' tha Argives. Go, then, n' serve up yo' message; say dat ah'ma gots nahh concern wit fightin till Hector, lil hustla o' noble Priam, reaches tha tentz o' tha Myrmidons up in his madness- murderous course, n' flings fire upon dey ships. fo' all his in lust o' battle, ah take it da thug iz ghon be held up in check when he be at mah own tent n' ship."

On dis dey took every last mutha in playa his in lil' double cup, made dey drink-offerings, n' go back ta tha ships, Ulysses leadin tha way. But Patroclus holla'd at his madness- pimps n' tha maid-servants ta make locked n loaded uh cold- lil laid back bed fo' Phoenix; dey therefore did so wit sheepskins, uh rug, n' uh gangbangin' finger-lickin' dirty- shizzle o' fine linen. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. Da oldschool playa then laid his dirty down n' waited till mornin came. But Achillez slept up in uh inner room, n' beside his tha daughta o' Phorbas ghettofab Diomede, whom dat schmoooove mutha a had carried off from Lesbos. Patroclus lay on tha other side o' tha room, n' wit his fair Iphis whom Achillez had given his when tha pimpin' mutha a took Scyros tha hood o' Enyeus.

When tha envoys reached tha tentz o' tha lil hustla o' Atreus, tha Achaeans rose, pledged dem up in cupz o' gold, n' in started ta queshun dem wild- mutha as. Mackdaddy Agamemnon wuz tha straight-up original gangsta ta do so. Tell me, Ulysses," holla'd he, "will da perved-out mutha a save tha ships from burning, or did be refuse, n' iz da perved-out mutha a still furious?"

Ulysses answered, "Most noble lil hustla o' Atreus, mackdaddy o' s, Agamemnon, Achillez aint gonna be calmed yo, but iz mo' fiercely mad salty than ever, n' spurns bof you n' yo' gifts yo. bidz you take counsel wit tha Achaeans ta save tha ships n' host as you dopest may; as fo' his dirty , da perved-out mutha a holla'd dat at daybreak da perved-out mutha a should draw his ships tha fuq into tha gin n juice n' shiznit yo. holla'd further dat da perved-out mutha a should advise every last mutha in one ta sail home likewise, fo' dat yo big- booty iz ghon not reach tha goal o' Ilius. 'Jove,' da perved-out mutha a holla'd, 'has laid his hand ova tha hood ta protect it, n' tha playas gots taken .' dis here iz what tha fuq da perved-out mutha a holla'd, n' tha others whoz wuz wit me can rap tha same story- Ajax n' tha two heralds, s, bof o' dem, whoz may be trusted. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! dis here type'uh shiznit happens all tha tyme. Da oldschool playa Phoenix stayed where da thug wuz ta chill, fo' so Achillez would gots it, dat he might bounce back ta tha doggy den wit his up in tha mornin if da perved-out mutha a so would; but da thug aint gonna take his by force."

dey all held dey peace, chillin fo' uh long- tyme silent n' dejected, by reason o' tha sternnizz wit which Achillez had refused dem, till presently Diomed holla'd, "Most noble lil hustla o' Atreus, mackdaddy o' s, Agamemnon, you ought not ta gots sued tha lil hustla o' Peleus nor offered his gifts yo. iz proud as uh mutha a enough as it iz, n' you gots encouraged his up in his thugged-out lil' pride be further n' sheeit. Let his stay or go as da thug will yo. will fight lata when he iz up in tha humour, n' heaven puts it up in his madness- mind ta do so. Now, therefore, let our es all do as ah say; our madness es gots smoked n' faded our fill, let our es then take our rest, fo' up in rest dere iz bof strengf n' stay. But when fair rosy-fingered morn appears, forthwif brang up yo' host n' yo' horsemen up in front o' tha ships, urgin dem on, n' yo fightin among tha foremost."

Thus da perved-out mutha a spoke, n' tha other chizzletains approved his in lyrics. dey then made dey drink-offerings n' go every last mutha in playa ta his own tent, where dey laid down ta rest n' enjoyed tha boon o' chill.


Book 10: Leprechaun up in tha HoodEdit

Now tha other princez o' tha Achaeans slept soundly tha whole night all up in yo, but Agamemnon lil hustla o' Atreus wuz d, so dat his schmoooove could git nahh rest fo' realz. As when fair Junoz lord flashes his in lightnin up in token o' pimped out drizzle or hail or snow when tha snow-flakes whiten tha ground, or ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in as uh sign dat da thug will open tha wide jawz o' horny war, even so did Agamemnon heave nuff uh heavy sigh, fo' his thugged-out trembled within his mutha in . When he looked upon tha plain o' Troy he marvelled all up in tha nuff watchfires burnin up in front o' Ilius, n' all up in tha sound o' pipes n' flutes n' o' tha hum o' pimps yo, but when presently tha pimpin' mutha a turned towardz tha ships n' hostz o' tha Achaeans, tha pimpin' mutha a tore his afro by handfuls 'bfoe Jove on high, n' groaned aloud fo' tha straight-up disquietnizz o' his thugged-out . In tha end da ruffneck deemed it dopest ta go at once ta Nestor lil hustla o' Neleus, n' peep if between dem dey could find any way o' tha Achaeans from destruction. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch yo. therefore rose, put on his shirt, bound his sandals bout his comely feet, flung tha skin o' uh big- tawny lion ova his shoulders- uh skin dat reached his wild lil' feet- n' took his spear up in his hand.

Neither could Menelaus chill, fo' he, too, boded ill fo' tha Argives whoz fo' his sake had sailed from far ova tha seas ta fight tha Trojans yo. covered his broad back wit tha skin o' uh spotted panther, put uh cold- lil casque o' bronze upon his head, n' took his spear up in his brawny hand. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Then da thug go ta rouse his brudda, whoz wuz by far da most thugged-out bangin o' tha Achaeans, n' wuz honoured by tha playas as though da thug wuz uh god. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! found his by tha stern o' his shizzle already puttin his wild lil' freakadelic goodly array bout his shoulders, n' right glad wuz tha pimpin' mutha a dat his brutha had come.

Menelaus wuz rappin first. "Why," holla'd he, "muh motha in dear brudda, iz you thus arming, biatch? iz you goin ta bust any o' our comrades ta exploit tha Trojans, biatch? ah pimped outly fear dat nahh one will do you dis service, n' spy upon tha enemy ridin' solo up in tha dead o' night. Well shiiiit, it iz ghon be uh thugged-out deed o' pimped out daring."

an' Mackdaddy Agamemnon answered, "Menelaus, we's bof o' our es need shrewd counsel ta save tha Argives n' our ships, fo' Jove has chizzled his madness- mind, n' inclines towardz Hectorz sacrifices than ours. ah never seen nor heard tell o' any playa as havin wrought such fuq up in one dizzle as Hector has now wrought against tha lil playaz o' tha Achaeans- n' dat too o' his own unaided self, fo' he iz lil hustla neither ta god nor goddess. Da Argives will rue it long n' deeply. Run, therefore, wit all speed by tha line o' tha ships, n' page Ajax n' Idomeneus. Meanwhile ah'ma git all up in Nestor, n' bid his rise n' go bout among tha g-unitz o' our sentinels ta give dem dey instructions; dey will dig his sooner than ta any , fo' his own son, n' Meriones brutha up in arms ta Idomeneus, iz captains ova dem wild- mutha as. Dat shiznit wuz ta dem mo' particularly dat we's gave dis charge."

Menelaus replied, "How tha fuq do ah take yo' meaning, biatch? be ah ta stay wit dem n' wait yo' coming, or shall ah return here as soon as ah gots given yo' orders?" "Wait," answered Mackdaddy Agamemnon, "fo' dere be all kindsa nuff paths bout tha camp dat we's might miss one another n' sheeit. page every last mutha in playa on yo' way, n' bid his be stirring; name his by his in lineage n' by his wild lil' fatherz name, give each all titular observance, n' stand not too much upon yo' own dignity; we's mus' take our full share o' toil, fo' at our birf Jove laid dis heavy burden upon us."

Wif deez instructions da perved-out mutha a busted his brutha on his way, n' go on ta Nestor shepherd o' his thugged-out lil' playas yo. found his chillin up in his cold- tent hard by his own ship; his wild lil' freakadelic goodly armour lay beside him- his shield, his cold- two spears n' his helmet; beside his also lay tha gleamin girdle wit which tha oldschool playa girded his dirty when he armed ta lead his thugged-out lil' playas tha fuq into battle- fo' his thugged-out age stayed his not yo. raised his dirty on his wild lil' in elbow n' looked up at Agamemnon. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. "Dum diddy-dum, here ah come biaaatch! Who tha fuq iz it," holla'd he, "dat goes thus bout tha host n' tha ships ridin' solo n' up in tha dead o' night, when pimps iz chillin, biatch? iz you lookin fo' one o' yo' mulez or fo' some comrade, biatch? Do not stand dere n' say not uh god damn thang yo, but speak. What tha fuq iz yo' bidnizz?"

an' Agamemnon answered, "Nestor, lil hustla o' Neleus, honour ta tha Achaean name, it iz ah, Agamemnon lil hustla o' Atreus, on whom Jove has laid labour n' sorrow so long as dere iz breaf up in mah body n' mah limbs carry mah dirty . ah be thus abroad cuz chill sits not upon mah eyelidz yo, but mah iz big- wit war n' wit tha jeopardy o' tha Achaeans. ah be up in pimped out fear fo' tha Danaans. ah be at sea, n' without shizzle counsel; mah beats as though it would leap outta mah body, n' mah limbs fail mah dirty . If then you can do anythin`- fo' you too cannot chill- let our es go tha round o' tha peep it, n' peep whether dey iz drowsy wit toil n' chillin ta tha neglect o' dey duty. Da enemy iz encamped hard n' we's know not but he may battle our es by night."

Nestor replied, "Most noble lil hustla o' Atreus, mackdaddy o' s, Agamemnon, Jove aint gonna do all fo' Hector dat Hector be thinkin da thug will; he gonna git s yet up in loadz if Achillez will lay aside his thugged-out anger n' sheeit. ah'ma go wit you, n' we's will rouse others, either tha lil hustla o' Tydeus, or Ulysses, or fleet Ajax n' tha valiant lil hustla o' Phyleus. Right back up in yo mutha in . Some one had also betta go n' page Ajax n' Mackdaddy Idomeneus, fo' dey ships aint near at hand but tha farthest o' all. ah cannot however refrain from blamin Menelaus, much as ah gots uh straight-up boner fo' his n' respect him- n' ah'ma say so plainly, even all up in tha risk o' offendin you- fo' chillin n' leavin all dis shiznit ta yo yo. ought ta be goin bout implorin aid from all tha princez o' tha Achaeans, fo' we's iz up in off tha hook danger."

an' Agamemnon answered, " , you may sometimes blame his justly, fo' he iz often remiss n' unwillin ta exert his dirty - not indeed from slof, nor yet heedlessnizz yo, but cuz he looks ta me n' expects me ta take tha lead. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! On dis occasion, however, da thug wuz awake 'bfoe ah wuz, n' came ta me o' his own accord. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! ah gots already busted his ta booty-page tha straight-up pimps whom you gots named. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! an' now let our es be going. we's shall find dem wit tha peep outside tha gates, fo' dat shiznit wuz dere ah holla'd dat we's would hook up dem wild- mutha as."

"In dat case," answered Nestor, "da Argives aint gonna blame his nor disobey his ordaz when he urges dem ta fight or gives dem instructions."

Wif dis he put on his shirt, n' bound his sandals bout his comely Nikes yo. buckled on his thugged-out lil' purple coat, o' two thicknesses, large, n' o' uh rough shaggy texture, grasped his bangin redoubtable bronze-shod spear, n' wended his way along tha line o' tha Achaean ships. First his schmoooove called loudly ta Ulysses peer o' godz up in counsel n' woke him, fo' da thug wuz soon roused by tha sound o' tha battle-cry yo. came outside his cold- tent n' holla'd, "Why do you go thus ridin' solo bout tha host, n' along tha line o' tha ships up in tha stillnizz o' tha night, biatch? What tha fuq iz it dat you find so urgent?" an' Nestor knight o' Gerene answered, "Ulysses, noble lil hustla o' Laertes, take it not amiss, fo' tha Achaeans iz up in pimped out straits, n' you can put dat on yo' toast. Come wit me n' let our es wake some other, whoz may advise well wit our es whether we's shall fight or fly."

On dis Ulysses go at once tha fuq into his cold- tent, put his shield bout his shouldaz n' came up wit dem wild- mutha as. First dey go ta Diomed lil hustla o' Tydeus, n' found his outside his cold- tent clad up in his thugged-out armour wit his comrades chillin round his n' rockin dey shieldz as pillows; as fo' dey spears, dey stood upright on tha spikez o' dey dat wuz driven tha fuq into tha ground, n' tha burnished bronze flashed afar like tha lightnin o' daddy Jove. Da pimp wuz chillin upon tha skin o' uh ox, wit uh piece o' fine carpet under his head; Nestor go up ta his n' stirred his wit his heel ta rouse him, upbraidin his n' urgin his ta bestir his dirty . "Wake up," he exclaimed, "son o' Tydeus yo. How tha fuq can you chill on up in dis way, biatch? Yo betta not peep dat tha Trojans iz encamped on tha brow o' tha plain hard by our ships, wit but uh lil space between our es n' dem?"

On deez lyrics Diomed leaped up instantly n' holla'd, "Oldskool , yo' iz o' iron; you rest not one moment from yo' labours fo' realz. iz dere nahh younger pimps among tha Achaeans whoz could go bout ta rouse tha princes, biatch? dere iz nahh tirin you, biatch."

an' Nestor knight o' Gerene made answer, "muh motha in in son, all dat you gots holla'd iz true. ah gots phat sons, n' also much playas whoz might page tha chizzletains yo, but tha Achaeans iz up in tha gravest danger; game n' dirtnap iz balanced as it wuz on tha edge o' uh razor. Shiiit, dis aint nahh joke. Go then, fo' yo iz younger than ah, n' o' yo' courtesy rouse Ajax n' tha fleet lil hustla o' Phyleus."

Diomed threw tha skin o' uh pimped out tawny lion bout his shoulders- uh skin dat reached his wild lil' feet- n' grasped his spear. Shiiit, dis aint nahh joke. When dat schmoooove mutha a had roused tha heroes, his thugged-out lil' punk- brought dem back wit him; dey then go tha round o' dem playas whoz wuz on guard, n' found tha captains not chillin at dey posts but wakeful n' chillin wit dey arms bout dem wild- mutha as fo' realz. As sheep dawgs dat peep dey flocks when dey iz yarded, n' hear uh wild beast comin all up in tha mountain forest towardz dem- forthwif dere be uh hue n' cry o' dawgs n' s, n' slumber iz broken- even so wuz chill chased from tha eyez o' tha Achaeans as dey kept tha watchez o' tha wicked night, fo' dey turned constantly towardz tha plain whenever dey heard any stir among tha Trojans. Da oldschool playa wuz glad bade dem be o' phat cheer n' sheeit. "Watch on, mah chil'ns," holla'd he, "an' let not chill git hold upon you, lest our enemies triumph ova us."

Wif dis he ped tha trench, n' wit his tha other chizzlez o' tha Achaeans whoz had been called ta tha council. Meriones n' tha brave lil hustla o' Nestor go also, fo' tha princes bade dem wild- mutha as. When dey wuz beyond tha trench dat wuz dug round tha wall dey held dey meetin on tha open ground where dere wuz uh space clear o' corpses, fo' dat shiznit wuz here dat when night fell tha fuq Hector had turned back from his onslaught on tha Argives. dey sat down, therefore, n' held rap battle wit one another.

Nestor wuz rappin first. "muh motha in in playas," holla'd he, "iz dere any playa bold enough ta Biz tha Trojans, n' cut off some straggler, or our es shizzle o' what tha fuq tha enemy mean ta do whether dey will stay here by tha ships away from tha hood, or whether, now dat dey gots worsted tha Achaeans, dey will retire within dey walls. If his schmoooove could learn all dis n' come back safely here, his wild lil' hype would be high as heaven up in tha grillz o' all s, n' da thug would be rewarded richly; fo' tha chizzlez from all our ships would each o' dem give his uh funky- black ewe wit her lamb- which be uh present o' surpin value- n' da thug would be axed as uh hommie ta all feasts n' clan-gatherings."

dey all held dey peace yo, but Diomed o' tha bangin war-cry wuz rappin sayin`, "Nestor, gladly will ah visit tha host o' tha Trojans ova against our es yo, but if another will go wit me ah shall do so up in pimped outa confidence n' comfort. When two pimps iz together, one o' dem may peep some opportunitizzle which tha other has not caught sight o'; if uh playa iz ridin' solo he iz less full o' resource, n' his wit iz weaker."

On dis nuff mutha in offered ta go wit Diomed. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Da two Ajaxes, servantz o' Mars, Meriones, n' tha lil hustla o' Nestor all wanted ta go, so did Menelaus lil hustla o' Atreus; Ulysses also wished ta go among tha host o' tha Trojans, fo' da thug wuz eva full o' daring, n' thereon Agamemnon mackdaddy o' pimps wuz rappin thus: "Diomed," holla'd he, "son o' Tydeus, playa afta mah own , chizzle yo' comrade fo' yo - take tha dopest playa o' dem dat gots offered, fo' nuff would now go wit you, biatch. Do not all up in delicacy reject tha betta , n' take da most thugged-out ty outta respect fo' his in lineage, cuz he iz o' mo' royal blood."

 holla'd dis cuz he feared fo' Menelaus. Diomed answered, "If you bid mah madness  take tha playa o' mah own chizzle, how tha fuq up in dat case can ah fail ta be thinkin o' Ulysses, than whom dere iz nahh playa mo' eager ta grill all kindz o' danger- n' Pallas Minerva loves his  well, biatch? If da thug wuz ta go wit me we's should p safely all up in fire itself, fo' he iz quick ta peep n' dig'."

"Son o' Tydeus," replied Ulysses, "say neither phat nor ill bout me, fo' yo be among Argives whoz know me well. Let our es be going, fo' tha night wanes n' dawn be at hand. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Da stars gots gone forward, two-thirdz o' tha night iz already spent, n' tha third iz ridin' solo left us."

dey then put on dey armour. Shiiit, dis aint nahh joke. Brave Thrasymedes provided tha lil hustla o' Tydeus wit uh sword n' uh gangbangin' finger-lickin' dirty- shield (fo' dat schmoooove mutha a had left his own at his ship) n' on his head da perved-out mutha a set uh helmet o' bullz hide without either peak or crest; it iz called uh skull-cap n' be uh cold- lil common headgear. Shiiit, dis aint nahh joke. Meriones found uh funky- bow n' quiver fo' Ulysses, n' on his head da perved-out mutha a set uh leathern helmet dat wuz lined wit uh phat plaitin o' leathern thongs, while on tha outside dat shiznit wuz thickly studded wit boarz teef, well n' skilfully set tha fuq into it; next tha head dere wuz uh inner linin o' felt. dis here helmet had been jacked by Autolycus outta Eleon when his thugged-out lil' punk- broke tha fuq into tha doggy den o' Amyntor lil hustla o' Ormenus yo. gave it ta Amphidamaz o' Cythera ta take ta Scandea, n' Amphidamas gave it as uh guest-gift ta Molus, whoz gave it ta his in lil hustla Meriones; n' now dat shiznit wuz set upon tha head o' Ulysses.

When tha pair had armed, dey set out, n' left tha other chizzletains behind dem wild- mutha as. Pallas Minerva busted dem uh heron by tha wayside upon dey right hands; dey could not peep it fo' tha darknizz yo, but dey heard its cry like uh mutha a. Ulysses wuz glad when dat schmoooove mutha a heard it n' prayed ta Minerva: "Hear me," his schmoooove cried, "daughta o' aegis-bearin Jove, you whoz spy up all mah ways n' whoz iz wit me up in all mah bull s; befriend mah madness up in dis mine hour, n' grant dat we's may return ta tha ships covered wit glory afta havin bigged up some mighty exploit dat shall brang sorrow ta tha Trojans."

Then Diomed o' tha bangin war-cry also prayed: "Hear me too," holla'd he, "daughta o' Jove, unweariable; be wit me even as you wuz wit mah noble daddy Tydeus when da thug go ta Thebes as envoy busted by tha Achaeans yo. left tha Achaeans by tha bankz o' tha river Aesopus, n' go ta tha hood bearin uh message o' peace ta tha Cadmeians; on his bangin return thence, wit yo' he`p, goddess, da ruffneck did pimped out deedz o' daring, fo' you wuz his bangin locked n loaded helper n' sheeit. Even so guide me n' guard mah madness now, n' up in return ah'ma offer you up in sacrifice uh funky- broad-browed heifer o' uh year old, unbroken, n' never yet brought by playa under tha yoke. ah'ma gild her horns n' will offer her up ta you up in sacrifice."

Thus dey prayed, n' Pallas Minerva heard dey prayer n' sheeit. When dey had done prayin ta tha daughta o' pimped out Jove, dey go dey way like two lions prowlin by night amid tha armour n' blood-stained bodiez o' dem dat had fallen.

Neither ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in did Hector let tha Trojans chill; fo' tha pimpin' mutha a too called tha princes n' councillorz o' tha Trojans dat he might set his counsel 'bfoe dem wild- mutha as. "iz dere one," holla'd he, "who fo' uh pimped out reward will do me tha steez o' which ah'ma tell yo slick , biatch? shall be well paid if da thug will. ah'ma give his uh cold- lil chariot n' uh cold- lil couple horses, tha fleetest dat can be found all up in tha shipz o' tha Achaeans, if da thug will dare dis thang; n' da thug will win infinite honour ta boot; he mus' git all up in tha ships n' smoke up whether dey iz still guarded as heretofore, or whether now dat our madness es gots beaten dem tha Achaeans design ta fly, n' all up in sheer exhaustion iz neglectin ta keep dey watches."

dey all held dey peace; but dere wuz among tha Trojans uh cold- lil certain playa named Dolon, lil hustla o' Eumedes, tha hyped herald- uh playa rich up in gold n' bronze yo. wuz ill-favoured yo, but uh phat runner, n' wuz uh only lil hustla among five sistas yo. dat shiznit wuz dat now addressed tha Trojans. "ah, Hector," holla'd he, "Will ta tha ships n' will exploit dem wild- mutha as. But first hold up yo' sceptre n' swear dat yo big- booty iz ghon break off tha chariot, bedight wit bronze, n' tha horses dat now carry tha noble lil hustla o' Peleus. ah'ma make you uh phat scout, n' aint gonna fail you, biatch. ah'ma go all up in tha host from one end ta tha other till ah come ta tha shizzle o' Agamemnon, where ah take it tha princez o' tha Achaeans iz now consultin whether dey shall fight or fly."

When dat schmoooove mutha a had done bustin lyrics Hector held up his sceptre, n' swore his his oaf sayin`, "May Jove tha thunderin homeboy o' Juno bear witnizz dat nahh other Trojan but yo shall mount dem steeds, n' dat you shall gots yo' will wit dem fo' eva."

Da oaf da perved-out mutha a swore wuz bootless yo, but it made Dolon mo' keen on goin yo. hung his bow ova his shoulder, n' as uh overall da thug wore tha skin o' uh grey wolf, while on his head da perved-out mutha a set uh cold- lil cap o' ferret skin. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. Then tha pimpin' mutha a took uh pointed javelin, n' left tha camp fo' tha ships yo, but da thug wuz not ta return wit any shizzle fo' Hector. Shiiit, dis aint nahh joke. When dat schmoooove mutha a had left tha horses n' tha troops behind him, he made all speed on his way yo, but Ulysses perceived his comin n' holla'd ta Diomed, "Diomed, here iz some one from tha camp; ah aint shizzle whether he be uh spy, or whether it iz some thief whoz would plunder tha bodiez o' tha dead; let his git uh lil past us, we's can then sprang upon his n' take his mutha in . If, however, he iz too quick fo' us, go afta his wit yo' spear n' hem his up in towardz tha ships away from tha Trojan camp, ta prevent his wild lil' freakadelic gettin back ta tha hood."

Wif dis dey turned outta dey way n' lay down among tha corpses. Dolon suspected not uh god damn thang n' soon ped dem yo, but when dat schmoooove mutha a had gots bout as far as tha distizzle by which uh mule-plowed furrow exceedz one dat has been ploughed by oxen (fo' mulez can plow fallow land quicker than oxen) dey ran afta him, n' when dat schmoooove mutha a heard dey footsteps da perved-out mutha a stood still, fo' he made shizzle dey wuz playaz from tha Trojan camp come by Hectorz ordaz ta bid his return; when, however, dey wuz only uh spearz cast, or less away form him, da perved-out mutha a seen dat dey wuz enemies as fast as his hairy- legs could take his mutha in . Da others gave chase at once, n' as uh cold- lil couple well-trained houndz press forward afta uh thugged-out doe or hare dat runs beatboxin up in front o' dem, even so did tha lil hustla o' Tydeus n' Ulysses pursue Dolon n' cut his off from his own s. But when dat schmoooove mutha a had fled so far towardz tha ships dat da thug would soon gots fallen up in wit tha outposts, Minerva infused fresh strengf tha fuq into tha lil hustla o' Tydeus fo' fear some other o' tha Achaeans might gots tha glory o' bein first ta hit him, n' he might his dirty be only second; tha pimpin' mutha a therefore sprang forward wit his spear n' holla'd, "Stand, or ah shall throw mah spear, n' up in dat case ah shall soon cook up uh end o' you, biatch."

 threw as da perved-out mutha a wuz rappin yo, but missed his thugged-out aim on purpose. Da dart flew ova tha manz right shoulder, n' then stuck up in tha ground. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a!   stood stock still, tremblin n' up in pimped out fear; his cold- teef chattered, n' tha pimpin' mutha a turned pale wit fear. Shiiit, dis aint nahh joke. Da two came breathless up ta his  n' seized his hands, whereon his thugged-out lil' punk-  in started ta weep n' holla'd, "Take me kickin it; ah'ma ransom mah dirty ; our madness es gots pimped out swapmeet o' gold, bronze, n' wrought iron, n' from dis mah daddy will satisfy you wit uh straight-up big- ransom, should dat schmoooove mutha a hear o' mah bein kickin it all up in tha shipz o' tha Achaeans."

"Fear not," replied Ulysses, "let nahh thought o' dirtnap be up in yo' mind; but tell me, n' tell me true, why iz you thus goin bout ridin' solo up in tha dead o' night away from yo' camp n' towardz tha ships, while other pimps iz chillin, biatch? iz it ta plunder tha bodiez o' tha slain, or did Hector bust you ta spy up what tha fuq wuz goin on all up in tha ships, biatch? Or did you come here o' yo' own mere notion?"

Dolon answered, his in limbs tremblin beneaf him: "Hector, wit his vain flatterin promises, lured mah madness from mah betta judgement yo. holla'd da thug would break off tha horsez o' tha noble lil hustla o' Peleus n' his bronze-bedizened chariot; his thugged-out lil' punk- bade me go all up in tha darknizz o' tha flyin night, git close ta tha enemy, n' smoke up whether tha ships iz still guarded as heretofore, or whether, now dat our madness es gots beaten dem, tha Achaeans design ta fly, n' all up in sheer exhaustion iz neglectin ta keep dey watches."

Ulysses smiled at his n' answered, "Yo had indeed set yo' upon uh pimped out reward yo, but tha horsez o' tha descendant o' Aeacus iz hardly ta be kept up in hand or driven by any other mortal playa than Achillez his dirty , whose mutha wuz uh immortal. It aint nuthin but tha nick nack patty wack, ah still gots tha bigger sack. But tell me, n' tell me true, where did you leave Hector when you started, biatch? Where lies his thugged-out armour n' his horses, biatch? How, too, iz tha watches n' chillin-ground o' tha Trojans ordered, biatch? What iz dey plans, biatch? Will dey stay here by tha ships n' away from tha hood, or now dat dey gots worsted tha Achaeans, will dey retire within dey walls?"

an' Dolon answered, "ah'ma rap truly all yo. Hector n' tha other councillors iz now holdin conference by tha monument o' pimped out Ilus, away from tha general tumult; as fo' tha guardz bout which you ax me, dere iz nahh chosen peep ta keep guard ova tha host. Da Trojans gots dey watchfires, fo' dey iz bound ta gots dem; dey, therefore, iz awake n' keep each other ta dey duty as sentinels; but tha allies whoz gots come from other places iz asleep n' leave it ta tha Trojans ta keep guard, fo' dey wives n' lil pimps aint here."

Ulysses then holla'd, "Now tell me; iz dey chillin among tha Trojan troops, or do dey lie apart, biatch? Explain dis dat ah may KNOW dat sheeit."

"ah'ma rap truly all," replied Dolon. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. "ta tha seaward lie tha Carians, tha Paeonian bowmen, tha Leleges, tha Cauconians, n' tha noble Pelasgi. Da Lysians n' proud as uh mutha a Mysians, wit tha Phrygians n' Meonians, gots dey place on tha side towardz Thymbra; but why ax bout uh dis here, biatch? If you wanna find yo' way tha fuq into tha host o' tha Trojans, dere be tha Thracians, whoz gots lately come here n' lie apart from tha others all up in tha far end o' tha camp; n' dey gots Rhesus lil hustla o' Eioneus fo' dey mackdaddy yo. His horses iz tha finest n' strongest dat ah gots eva seen, dey iz whita than snow n' fleeta than any wind dat blows yo. His chariot iz bedight wit silver n' gold, n' dat schmoooove mutha a has brought his madness- marvellous golden armour, o' tha rarest workmanship- too fly fo' any mortal playa ta carry, n' hook up only fo' tha gods. Now, therefore, take me ta tha ships or bind mah madness securely here, until you come back n' gots proved mah lyrics whether dey be false or true."

Diomed looked sternly at his n' answered, "Think not, Dolon, fo' all tha phat shiznit you gots given us, dat you shall escape now yo iz up in our hands, fo' if we's ransom you or let you go, yo big- booty iz ghon come some second tyme ta tha shipz o' tha Achaeans either as uh spy or as uh open enemy yo, but if ah bust uh cap up in you n' uh end o' you, yo big- booty iz ghon give nahh mo' sheeit."

On dis Dolon would gots caught his by tha beard ta beseech his further yo, but Diomed struck his up in tha middle o' his neck wit his sword n' cut all up in bof sishizzle so dat his head fell tha fuq rollin up in tha dust while da thug wuz yet bustin lyrics. dey took tha ferret-skin cap from his head, n' also tha wolf-skin, tha bow, n' his in long spear. Shiiit, dis aint nahh joke. Ulysses hung dem up aloft up in honour o' Minerva tha goddess o' plunder, n' prayed sayin`, "Accept deez, goddess, fo' we's give dem ta you up in preference ta all tha godz up in Olympus: therefore speed our es still further towardz tha horses n' chillin-ground o' tha Thracians."

Wif deez lyrics tha pimpin' mutha a took tha spoils n' set dem upon uh tamarisk tree, n' dey marked tha place by pullin up reedz n' gatherin boughz o' tamarisk dat dey might not miss it as dey came back all up in da' flyin minutez o' darkness. Da two then go onwardz amid tha fallen armour n' tha blood, n' came presently ta tha company o' Thracian soldiers, whoz wuz chillin, chillaxed up wit dey dayz toil; dey goodly armour wuz lyin on tha ground beside dem all orderly up in three rows, n' each playa had his yoke o' horses beside his mutha in . Rhesus wuz chillin up in tha middle, n' hard by his his horses wuz made fast ta tha topmost rim o' his chariot. Ulysses from some way off seen his n' holla'd, "dis here, Diomed, iz tha , n' deez iz tha horses bout which Dolon whom we's capped holla'd at us. Do yo' straight-up utmost; dally not bout yo' armour yo, but loose tha horses at once- or else bust uh cap up in tha pimps yo , while ah peep ta tha horses."

Thereon Minerva put courage tha fuq into tha o' Diomed, n' da perved-out mutha a smote dem right n' left. dey done cooked up uh hideous groanin as dey wuz bein jacked about, n' tha earf wuz red wit dey blood. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! ah be fly as uh gangbangin' falcon, soarin all up in tha sky dawwwwg! As uh lion springs furiously upon uh gangbangin' flock o' sheep or goats when he findz without dey shepherd, so did tha lil hustla o' Tydeus set upon tha Thracian soldiers till dat schmoooove mutha a had capped twelve fo' realz. As he capped dem Ulysses came n' drew dem aside by dey feet one by one, dat tha horses might go forward freely without bein frightened as dey ped ova tha dead bodies, fo' dey wuz not yet used ta dem wild- mutha as. When tha lil hustla o' Tydeus came ta tha mackdaddy, he capped his too (which made thirteen), as da thug wuz breathang hard, fo' by tha counsel o' Minerva uh evil dream, tha seed o' Oeneus, hovered dat night ova his head. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Meanwhile, Ulysses untied tha horses, made dem fast one ta another n' drove dem off, strikin dem wit his bow, fo' dat schmoooove mutha a had forgotten ta take tha whip from tha chariot. Then da thug whistled as uh sign ta Diomed.

But Diomed stayed where da thug wuz, thankin what tha fuq other darin deed he might accomplish yo. wuz doubtin whether ta take tha chariot up in which tha mackdaddyz armour wuz lying, n' draw it up by tha pole, or ta lift tha armour up n' carry it off; or whether ag'in, da perved-out mutha a should not bust uh cap up in some mo' Thracians. While da thug wuz thus hesitatin Minerva came up ta his n' holla'd, "Git back, Diomed, ta tha ships or you may be driven thither, should some other god rouse tha Trojans."

Diomed knew dat dat shiznit wuz tha goddess, n' at once sprang upon tha horses. Ulysses beat dem wit his bow n' dey flew onward ta tha shipz o' tha Achaeans.

But Apollo kept nahh blind peep-out when da perved-out mutha a seen Minerva wit tha lil hustla o' Tydeus yo. wuz mad salty wit her, n' comin ta tha host o' tha Trojans he roused Hippocoon, uh cold- lil counsellor o' tha Thracians n' uh noble kinsman o' Rhesus yo. started up outta his chill n' seen dat tha horses wuz nahh longer up in dey place, n' dat tha pimps wuz gaspin up in dey dirtnap-agony; on dis he groaned aloud, n' called upon his wild lil' playa by name. Then tha whole Trojan camp wuz up in uh uproar as tha playas kept hurryin together, n' dey marvelled all up in tha deedz o' tha heroes whoz had now gots away towardz tha ships.

When dey reached tha place where dey had capped Hectorz scout, Ulysses stayed his horses, n' tha lil hustla o' Tydeus, leapin ta tha ground, placed tha blood-stained spoils up in tha handz o' Ulysses n' remounted: then he lashed tha horses onwards, n' dey flew forward not uh god damn thang lof towardz tha ships as though o' dey own free will. Nestor wuz first ta hear tha tramp o' dey Nikes. "muh motha in in playas," holla'd he, "princes n' counsellorz o' tha Argives, shall ah guess right or wrong?- but ah mus' say what tha fuq ah think: dere be uh sound up in mah ears az o' tha tramp o' horses. ah hope it may Diomed n' Ulysses rollin up in horses from tha Trojans yo, but ah much fear dat tha bravest o' tha Argives may gots come ta some harm at dey hands."

 had hardly done bustin lyrics when tha two pimps came up in n' dismounted, whereon tha others shook handz right gladly wit dem n' congratulated dem wild- mutha as. Nestor knight o' Gerene wuz first ta queshun dem wild- mutha as. "Tell me," holla'd he, "renowned Ulysses, how tha fuq did you two come by deez horses, biatch? Did yo dirty  loot up in among tha Trojan forces, or did some god hook up you n' give dem ta yo slick , biatch? dey iz like sunbeams. Boy it's gettin hot, yeea  indeed it iz. ah be well conversant wit tha Trojans, fo' oldschool warrior though ah iz ah never hold back by tha ships yo, but ah never yet seen or heard o' such horses as deez is. Right back up in yo mutha in . Surely some god mus' gots kicked it wit you n' given dem ta you, fo' yo  iz bof o' dear ta Jove, n' ta Jovez daughta Minerva."

an' Ulysses answered, "Nestor lil hustla o' Neleus, honour ta tha Achaean name, heaven, if it so will, can give our es even betta horses than deez, fo' tha godz iz far mightier than we's is. deez horses, however, bout which you ax me, iz freshly come from Thrace. Diomed capped dey mackdaddy wit tha twelve bravest o' his companions yo. Hard by tha ships we's took uh thirteenf - uh scout whom Hector n' tha other Trojans had busted as uh spy upon our ships."

 laughed as da perved-out mutha a wuz rappin n' drove tha horses ova tha ditch, while tha other Achaeans followed his  gladly. When dey reached tha straight  in built quartaz o' tha lil hustla o' Tydeus, dey tied tha horses wit thongz o' leather ta tha manger, where tha steedz o' Diomed stood smokin dey dope corn yo, but Ulysses hung tha blood-stained spoilz o' Dolon all up in tha stern o' his ship, dat dey might prepare uh sacred offerin ta Minerva fo' realz. As fo' theyselves, dey go tha fuq into tha sea n' washed tha sweat from dey bodies, n' from dey necks n' fat- thighs. When tha sea-wata had taken all tha sweat from off dem, n' had refreshed dem, dey go tha fuq into tha baths n' washed theyselves fo' realz. Afta dey had so done n' had anointed theyselves wit oil, dey sat down ta table, n' drawin from uh gangbangin' full mixing-bowl, done cooked up uh thugged-out drink-offerin o' Cristal ta Minerva.


Book 11: Da Secret o' tha OozeEdit

an' now as Dawn rose from her couch beside Tithonus, harbinger o' light alike ta mortals n' immortals, Jove busted fierce Discord wit tha ensign o' war up in her handz ta tha shipz o' tha Achaeans. Right back up in yo mutha in . Biatch took her stand by tha big- black hull o' Ulysses' shizzle which wuz middlemost o' all, so dat her voice might carry farthest on either side, on tha one hand towardz tha tentz o' Ajax lil hustla o' Telamon, n' on tha other towardz dem o' Achilles- fo' deez two heroes, well-ured o' dey own strengf, had valorously drawn up dey ships all up in tha two endz o' tha line. dere dat dunkadelic hoe took her stand, n' raised uh cold- lil cry bof bangin n' shrill dat filled tha Achaeans wit courage, givin dem ta fight resolutely n' wit all dey might, so dat dey had stay dere n' do battle than bounce back ta tha doggy den up in dey ships.

Da lil hustla o' Atreus shouted aloud n' bade tha Argives gird theyselves fo' battle while he put on his thugged-out armour. Shiiit, dis aint nahh joke. First he girded his wild lil' freakadelic goodly greaves bout his in legs, makin dem fast wit ankle claspz o' silver; n' bout his chest da perved-out mutha a set tha breastplate which Cinyras had once given his as uh guest-gift. Well shiiiit, it had been noised abroad as far as Cyprus dat tha Achaeans wuz bout ta sail fo' Troy, n' therefore he gave it ta tha mackdaddy. Well shiiiit, it had ten coursez o' dark cyanus, twelve o' gold, n' ten o' tin. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. dere wuz serpentz o' cyanus dat reared theyselves up towardz tha neck, three upon either side, like tha rainbows which tha lil hustla o' Saturn has set up in heaven as uh sign ta mortal s. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch fo' realz. Bout his shouldaz tha pimpin' mutha a threw his sword, studded wit bossez o' gold; n' tha scabbard waz o' silver wit uh cold- lil chain o' gold wherewif ta hang it yo. took moreover tha richly-dight shield dat covered his body when da thug wuz up in battle- fair ta see, wit ten circlez o' bronze hustlin all round see, wit dat sheeit. On tha body o' tha shield dere wuz tweny bossez o' whitey tin, wit another o' dark cyanus up in tha middle: dis last wuz made ta show uh Gorgonz head, fierce n' grim, wit Rout n' Panic on either side. Da crew fo' tha arm ta go all up in waz o' silver, on which dere wuz uh writhang snake o' cyanus wit three headz dat sprang from uh single neck, n' go up in n' up among one another n' sheeit. On his head Agamemnon set uh helmet, wit uh peak 'bfoe n' behind, n' four plumez o' horse-fro dat nodded menacingly above it; then he grasped two redoubtable bronze-shod spears, n' tha gleam o' his thugged-out armour blasted from his as uh gangbangin' flame tha fuq into tha firmament, while Juno n' Minerva thundered up in honour o' tha mackdaddy o' rich Mycene.

Every playa now left his horses up in charge o' his charioteer ta hold dem up in readinizz by tha trench, while da thug go tha fuq into battle on foot clad up in full armour, n' uh mighty uproar rose on high tha fuq into tha dawning. Da chizzlez wuz armed n' all up in tha trench 'bfoe tha horses gots dere yo, but deez came up presently. Da lil hustla o' Saturn busted uh portent o' evil sound bout dey host, n' tha dew fell tha fuq red wit blood, fo' da thug wuz bout ta bust nuff uh funky- brave playa hurryin down ta Hades.

Da Trojans, on tha other side upon tha risin slope o' tha plain, wuz gathered round pimped out Hector, noble Polydamas, Aeneas whoz wuz honoured by tha Trojans like uh immortal, n' tha three lil playaz o' Antenor, Polybus, Agenor, n' lil' Acamas beauteous as uh god. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Hectorz round shield flossed up in tha front rank, n' as some baneful star dat shines fo' uh moment all up in uh rent up in tha cloudz n' be ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in hidden beneaf dem; even so wuz Hector now peeped up in tha front ranks n' now ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in up in tha hindermost, n' his bronze armour gleamed like tha lightnin o' aegis-bearin Jove.

an' now as uh funky- crew o' reapers mow swathez o' wheat or barley upon uh rich manz land, n' tha sheaves fall thick 'bfoe dem, even so did tha Trojans n' Achaeans fall upon one another; dey wuz up in nahh vibe fo' yieldin but fought like wolves, n' neither side gots tha betta o' tha other n' sheeit. Discord wuz glad as da hoe beheld dem, fo' dat biiiiatch wuz tha only god dat go among dem; tha others wuz not dere yo, but stayed on tha in' down-lowly each up in his own home among tha dells n' valleyz o' Olympus fo' realz. All o' dem blamed tha lil hustla o' Saturn fo' wantin ta Live victory ta tha Trojans yo, but daddy Jove heeded dem not: dat schmoooove mutha a held aloof from all, n' sat apart up in his thugged-out all-glorious majesty, lookin down upon tha hood o' tha Trojans, tha shipz o' tha Achaeans, tha gleam o' bronze, n' alike upon tha slayers n' on tha slain.

Now so long as tha dizzle waxed n' dat shiznit wuz still morning, dey darts drizzled thick on one another n' tha playas perished yo, but as tha minute drew nigh when uh woodman hustlin up in some mountain forest will git his madness- middizzle meal- fo' dat schmoooove mutha a has felled till his handz iz weary; he iz chillaxed out, n' mus' now gots chickn n` corn bread- then tha Danaans wit uh cold- lil cry dat rang all up in all dey ranks, broke tha battalionz o' tha enemy fo' realz. Agamemnon hustled dem on, n' slew first Bienor, uh leader o' his thugged-out lil' s, n' afterwardz his comrade n' charioteer Oileus, whoz sprang from his chariot n' wuz comin full towardz him; but Agamemnon struck his on tha forehead wit his spear; his bronze visor waz o' nahh avail against tha weapon, which pierced bof bronze n' bone, so dat his domes wuz battered up in n' da thug wuz capped up in full fight.

Agamemnon stripped dey shirts from off dem n' left dem wit dey titties all bare ta lie where dey had fallen. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch yo. then go on ta bust uh cap up in Isus n' Antiphus two lil playaz o' Priam, tha one uh funky- bastard, tha other born up in wedlock; dey wuz up in tha same chariot- tha bastard rollin' , while noble Antiphus fought beside his mutha in fo' realz. Achillez had once taken bof o' dem prisoners up in tha gladez o' Ida, n' had bound dem wit fresh withes as dey wuz shepherdin yo, but dat schmoooove mutha a had taken uh ransom fo' dem; now, however, Agamemnon lil hustla o' Atreus smote Isus up in tha chest above tha nipple wit his spear, while da perved-out mutha a struck Antiphus hard by tha ear n' threw his from his chariot. Forthwif da perved-out mutha a stripped dey goodly armour from off dem n' recognized dem, fo' dat schmoooove mutha a had already peeped dem at ships when Achillez brought dem up in from Ida fo' realz. As uh lion fastens on tha fawnz o' uh hind n' crushes dem up in his wild lil' freakadelic pimped out jaws, robbin dem o' dey tender game while he on his way back ta his in lair- tha hind can do not uh god damn thang fo' dem even though da hoe be close by, fo' her iz up in uh agony o' fear, n' flies all up in tha thick forest, sweating, n' at her utmost speed 'bfoe tha mighty monster- so, nahh playa o' tha Trojans could he`p Isus n' Antiphus, fo' dey wuz theyselves flyin panic 'bfoe tha Argives.

Then Mackdaddy Agamemnon took tha two lil playaz o' Antimachus, Pisander n' brave Hippolochus. Dat shiznit wuz Antimachus whoz had been foremost up in preventin Helenz bein restored ta Menelaus, fo' da thug wuz largely bribed by Alexandrus; n' now Agamemnon took his cold- two sons, bof up in tha same chariot, tryin ta brang dey horses ta uh stand- fo' dey had lost hold o' tha reins n' tha horses wuz mad wit fear. Shiiit, dis aint nahh joke. Da lil hustla o' Atreus sprang upon dem like uh lion, n' tha pair besought his from dey chariot. "Take our es kickin it," dey cried, "son o' Atreus, n' you shall receive uh pimped out ransom fo' us. Our daddy Antimachus has pimped out swapmeet o' gold, bronze, n' wrought iron, n' from dis da thug will satisfy you wit uh straight-up big- ransom should dat schmoooove mutha a hear o' our bein kickin it all up in tha shipz o' tha Achaeans."

Wif such piteous lyrics n' tears did dey beseech tha mackdaddy yo, but dey heard nahh pitiful answer up in return, so check it 'bfoe ya wreck it. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. "If," holla'd Agamemnon, "yo iz lil playaz o' Antimachus, whoz once at uh cold- lil council o' Trojans proposed dat Menelaus n' Ulysses, whoz had come ta you as envoys, should be capped n' not suffered ta return, you shall now pay fo' tha foul iniquitizzle o' yo' father."

As da perved-out mutha a wuz rappin he felled Pisander from his chariot ta tha earf, smitin his on tha chest wit his spear, so dat he lay grill uppermost upon tha ground. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Hippolochus fled yo, but his too did Agamemnon smite; his schmoooove cut off his handz n' his head- which da perved-out mutha a busted rollin up in among tha crowd as though it wuz uh funky- bizzle. smoke dat sheeit! dere he let dem bof lie, n' wherever tha ranks wuz thickest thither he flew, while tha other Achaeans followed. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Foot soldiers drove tha foot soldierz o' tha foe up in rout 'bfoe dem, n' slew dem; horsemen did tha like by horsemen, n' tha thunderin tramp o' tha horses raised uh cold- lil cloud o' dust frim off tha plain. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. Mackdaddy Agamemnon followed afta, eva slayin dem n' cheerin on tha Achaeans fo' realz. As when some mighty forest be all ablaze- tha eddyin gusts whirl fire up in all directions till tha thickets shrivel n' iz consumed 'bfoe tha blast o' tha flame- even so fell tha fuq tha headz o' tha flyin Trojans 'bfoe Agamemnon lil hustla o' Atreus, n' nuff uh noble pair o' steedz drew uh empty chariot along tha highwayz o' war, fo' lack o' drivers whoz wuz lyin on tha plain, mo' useful now ta vultures than ta dey wives.

Jove drew Hector away from tha darts n' dust, wit tha carnage n' din o' battle; but tha lil hustla o' Atreus sped onwards, callin up lustily ta tha Danaans. dey flew on by tha tomb o' oldschool Ilus, lil hustla o' Dardanus, up in tha middle o' tha plain, n' past tha place o' tha wild fig-tree makin always fo' tha hood- tha lil hustla o' Atreus still shouting, n' wit handz all bedrabbled up in gore; but when dey had reached tha Scaean gates n' tha oak tree, dere dey halted n' waited fo' tha others ta come up. Meanwhile, tha Trojans kept on flyin ova tha middle o' tha plain like uh herd cows maddened wit fright when uh lion has beat down dem up in tha dead o' night- da perved-out mutha a springs on one o' dem, seizes her neck up in tha grip o' his thugged-out lil' phat teef n' then laps up her blood n' gorges his dirty upon her entrails- even so did Mackdaddy Agamemnon lil hustla o' Atreus pursue tha foe, eva slaughterin tha hindmost as dey fled pell-mell 'bfoe his mutha in . Many uh playa wuz flung headlong from his chariot by tha hand o' tha lil hustla o' Atreus, fo' da thug wielded his spear wit fury.

But when da thug wuz just bout ta reach tha high wall n' tha hood, tha daddy o' godz n' pimps came down from heaven n' took his seat, thunderbolt up in hand, upon tha crest o' many-fountained Ida yo. then holla'd at Iriz o' tha golden wings ta carry uh message fo' his mutha in . "Go," holla'd he, "fleet Iris, n' drop uh rhyme thus ta Hector- say dat so long as da perved-out mutha a sees Agamemnon headin his madness- pimps n' makin havoc o' tha Trojan ranks, he iz ta keep aloof n' bid tha others bear tha brunt o' tha battle yo, but when Agamemnon iz wounded either by spear or arrow, n' takes ta his chariot, then will ah vouchsafe his strengf ta slay till he reach tha ships n' night falls all up in tha goin down o' tha sun."

Iris hearkened n' obeyed. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Down dat biiiiatch go ta phat Ilius from tha crestz o' Ida, n' found Hector lil hustla o' Priam standin by his chariot n' horses. Then her big- booty holla'd, "Hector lil hustla o' Priam, peer o' godz up in counsel, daddy Jove has busted mah madness ta bear you dis message- so long as you peep Agamemnon headin his madness- pimps n' makin havoc o' tha Trojan ranks, yo iz ta keep aloof n' bid tha others bear tha brunt o' tha battle yo, but when Agamemnon iz wounded either by spear or arrow, n' takes ta his chariot, then will Jove vouchsafe you strengf ta slay till you reach tha ships, n' till night falls all up in tha goin down o' tha sun."

When dat freaky freaky biatch had thus spoken Iris left him, n' Hector sprang full armed from his chariot ta tha ground, brandishin his spear as da thug go bout everywhere among tha host, cheerin his madness- pimps on ta fight, n' stirrin tha dread strife o' battle. Da Trojans then wheeled round, n' ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in kicked it wit tha Achaeans, while tha Argives on dey part strengthened dey battalions. Da battle wuz now up in array n' dey stood grill ta grill wit one another, Agamemnon eva pressin forward up in his wild lil' in eagernizz ta be ahead o' all others.

Tell me now ye Muses dat dwell up in tha mansionz o' Olympus, who, whether o' tha Trojans or o' dey allies, wuz first ta grill Agamemnon, biatch? Dat shiznit wuz Iphidamas lil hustla o' Antenor, uh playa bof brave n' o' pimped out stature, whoz wuz brought up in fertile Thrace tha mutha o' sheep. Cisses, his madness- motherz father, brought his up in his own doggy den when da thug wuz uh cold- lil child- Cisses, daddy ta fair Theano. When he reached manhood, Cisses would gots kept his dere, n' wuz fo' givin his his in lil' daughta up in marriage yo, but as soon as dat schmoooove mutha a had hooked up da perved-out mutha a set up ta fight tha Achaeans wit twelve ships dat followed him: deez dat schmoooove mutha a had left at Percote n' had come on by land ta Ilius yo. dat shiznit wuz dat naw kicked it wit Agamemnon lil hustla o' Atreus. When dey wuz close up wit one another, tha lil hustla o' Atreus missed his thugged-out aim, n' Iphidamas hit his on tha girdle below tha cuir n' then flung his dirty upon him, trustin ta his strengf o' arm; tha girdle, however, wuz not pierced, nor nearly so, fo' tha deal wit tha spear struck against tha silver n' wuz turned aside as though it had been lead: Mackdaddy Agamemnon caught it from his hand, n' drew it towardz his wit tha fury o' uh lion; tha pimpin' mutha a then drew his sword, n' capped Iphidamas by strikin his on tha neck. Right back up in yo mutha in . So dere tha skanky fellow lay, chillin uh chill as it waz o' bronze, capped up in tha defence o' his wild lil' fellow-citizens, far from his wedded hoe, o' whom dat schmoooove mutha a had had nahh joy though dat schmoooove mutha a had given much fo' her: dat schmoooove mutha a had given uh hundred-head o' cattle down, n' had promised lata on ta give uh thousand sheep n' goats mixed, from tha countless flockz o' which da thug wuz possessed. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Agamemnon lil hustla o' Atreus then despoiled him, n' carried off his thugged-out armour tha fuq into tha host o' tha Achaeans.

When noble Coon, Antenorz eldest son, seen dis here, sore indeed wuz his wild lil' in peeps all up in tha sight o' his wild lil' fallen brutha n' sheeit. Unseen by Agamemnon he gots beside him, spear up in hand, n' wounded his up in tha middle o' his thugged-out arm below tha elbow, tha deal wit tha spear goin right all up in tha arm fo' realz. Agamemnon wuz convulsed wit pain yo, but still not even fo' dis did he leave off strugglin n' fightin yo, but grasped his spear dat flew as fleet as tha wind, n' sprang upon Coon whoz wuz tryin ta drag off tha body o' his brudda- his wild lil' fatherz son- by tha foot, n' wuz bustin up like uh biatch fo' he`p ta all tha bravest o' his comrades; but Agamemnon struck his wit uh funky- bronze-shod spear n' capped his as da thug wuz draggin tha dead body all up in tha press o' pimps under cover o' his shield: tha pimpin' mutha a then cut off his head, standin ova tha body o' Iphidamas. Thus did tha lil playaz o' Antenor hook up dey fate all up in tha handz o' tha lil hustla o' Atreus, n' go down tha fuq into tha doggy den o' Hades.

As long as tha blood still welled warm from his wound Agamemnon go bout comin' all up in tha rankz o' tha enemy wit spear n' sword n' wit pimped out handfulz o' stone yo, but when tha blood had ceased ta flow n' tha wound grew dry, tha wild- bull became pimped out fo' realz. As tha sharp pangs which tha Eilithuiae, goddessez o' childbirf, daughtaz o' Juno n' dispenserz o' wack pain, bust upon uh biatch when her iz up in labour- even so sharp wuz tha pangz o' tha lil hustla o' Atreus yo. sprang on ta his chariot, n' bade his charioteer cruize ta tha ships, fo' da thug wuz up in pimped out agony. Wif uh funky- bangin clear voice da perved-out mutha a shouted ta tha Danaans, "muh motha in in playas, princes n' counsellorz o' tha Argives, defend tha ships yourselves, fo' Jove has not suffered mah madness ta fight tha whole dizzle all up in against tha Trojans."

Wif dis tha charioteer turned his horses towardz tha ships, n' dey flew forward not uh god damn thang lof. they chests wuz whitey wit foam n' dey bellies wit dust, as dey drew tha wounded mackdaddy outta tha battle.

When Hector seen Agamemnon quit tha field, da perved-out mutha a shouted ta tha Trojans n' Lycians sayin`, "Trojans, Lycians, n' Dardanian warriors, be s, mah playas, n' acquit yourselves up in battle bravely; dey dopest playa has left dem, n' Jove has vouchsafed mah madness uh pimped out triumph; charge tha foe wit yo' chariots dis sheeit. you may win still pimped outa glory."

Wif deez lyrics he put n' tha fuq into dem all, n' as uh huntsman houndz his in lil' dawgs on against uh lion or wild boar, even so did Hector, peer o' Mars, hound tha proud as uh mutha a Trojans on against tha Achaeans. Full o' hope he plunged up in among tha foremost, n' fell tha fuq on tha fight like some fierce tempest dat swoops down upon tha sea, n' lashes its deep blue watas tha fuq into fury.

What, then iz tha full tale o' dem whom Hector lil hustla o' Priam capped up in tha minute o' triumph which Jove then vouchsafed him, biatch? First Asaeus, Autonous, n' Opites; Dolops lil hustla o' Clytius, Opheltius n' Agelaus; Aesymnus, Orus n' Hipponous steadfast up in battle; deez chizzletainz o' tha Achaeans did Hector slay, n' then he fell tha fuq upon tha rank n' file fo' realz. As when tha westside wind hustlez tha cloudz o' tha whitey downtown n' beats dem down wit tha fiercenizz o' its fury- tha wavez o' tha sea roll high, n' tha spray iz flung aloft up in tha rage o' tha wanderin wind- even so thick wuz tha headz o' dem dat fell tha fuq by tha hand o' Hector.

All had then been lost n' nahh he`p fo' it, n' tha Achaeans would gots fled pell-mell ta dey ships, had not Ulysses cried up ta Diomed, "Son o' Tydeus, what tha fuq has happened ta our es dat we's thus forget our prowess, biatch? Come, mah phat fellow, stand by mah side n' he`p me, we's shall be shamed fo' eva if Hector takes tha ships."

an' Diomed answered, "Come what tha fuq may, ah'ma stand firm; but we's shall gots scant joy o' it, fo' Jove iz minded ta give victory ta tha Trojans than ta us."

Wif deez lyrics da perved-out mutha a struck Thymbraeus from his chariot ta tha ground, smitin his up in tha left tittie wit his spear, while Ulysses capped Molion whoz wuz his squire. deez dey let lie, now dat dey had stopped dey fighting; tha two heroes then go on playin havoc wit tha foe, like two wild boars dat turn up in fury n' rend tha houndz dat hunt dem wild- mutha as. Thus did dey turn upon tha Trojans n' slay dem, n' tha Achaeans wuz thankful ta gots breathang tyme up in dey flight from Hector.

dey then took two princes wit dey chariot, tha two lil playaz o' Meropz o' Percote, whoz excelled all others up in tha artz o' divination. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch yo. had forbidden his in lil playas ta git all up in tha war yo, but dey would not obey him, fo' fate lured dem ta dey fall. Diomed lil hustla o' Tydeus slew dem bof n' stripped dem o' dey armour, while Ulysses capped Hippodamus n' Hypeirochus.

an' now tha lil hustla o' Saturn as he looked down from Ida ordained dat neither side should gots tha advantage, n' dey kept on cappin' one another n' sheeit. Da lil hustla o' Tydeus speared Agastrophus lil hustla o' Paeon up in tha hip-joint wit his spear yo. His chariot wuz not at hand fo' his ta fly wif, so blindly Kool & Tha Gang had his thugged-out lil' punk- been. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch yo. His squire wuz up in charge o' it at some distizzle n' da thug wuz fightin on foot among tha foremost until he lost his wild lil' freakadelic game yo. Hector soon marked tha havoc Diomed n' Ulysses wuz making, n' bore down upon dem wit uh funky- bangin cry, followed by tha Trojan ranks; brave Diomed wuz dismayed when da perved-out mutha a seen dem, n' holla'd ta Ulysses whoz wuz beside him, "Great Hector iz bearin down upon our es n' we's shall be undone; let our es stand firm n' wait his onset."

 poised his spear as da perved-out mutha a wuz rappin n' hurled it, nor did he miss his madness- mark yo.   had aimed at Hectorz head near tha top o' his helmet yo, but bronze wuz turned by bronze, n' Hector wuz untouched, fo' tha spear wuz stayed by tha visored helm made wit three platez o' metal, which Phoebus Apollo had given his mutha in  yo. Hector sprang back wit uh pimped out bound under cover o' tha ranks; he fell tha fuq on his knees n' propped his dirty  wit his brawny hand leanin on tha ground, fo' darknizz had fallen on his wild lil'  in peeps. Da lil hustla o' Tydeus havin thrown his spear dashed up in among tha foremost fighters, ta tha place where dat schmoooove mutha a had peeped it strike tha ground; meanwhile Hector recovered his dirty  n' springin back tha fuq into his chariot mingled wit tha crowd, by which means da perved-out mutha a saved his wild lil' freakadelic game. But Diomed made at his  wit his spear n' holla'd, "Dog, you gots ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in gots away though dirtnap wuz close on yo' heels. Phoebus Apollo, ta whom ah ween you pray ere you go tha fuq into battle, has ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in saved you, nevertheless ah'ma hook up you n' make n' end o' y'all hereafter, if dere be any god whoz  will stand by me too n' be mah helper n' sheeit. fo' tha present ah mus' pursue dem ah can lay handz on."

As da perved-out mutha a wuz rappin his thugged-out lil' punk- in started strippin tha spoils from tha lil hustla o' Paeon yo, but Alexandrus homeboy o' ghettofab Helen aimed uh arrow at him, leanin against uh pillar o' tha monument which pimps had raised ta Ilus lil hustla o' Dardanus, uh rula up in minutez o' old. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Diomed had taken tha cuir from off tha tittie o' Agastrophus, his heavy helmet also, n' tha shield from off his shoulders, when Paris drew his bow n' let fly uh arrow dat sped not from his hand up in vain yo, but pierced tha flat o' Diomedz right foot, goin right all up in it n' fixin itself up in tha ground. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Thereon Paris wit uh hearty laugh sprang forward from his hiding-place, n' taunted his sayin`, "Yo iz wounded- mah arrow has not been blasted up in vain; would dat it had hit you up in tha belly n' capped you, fo' thus tha Trojans, whoz fear you as goats fear uh lion, would gots had uh truce from evil."

Diomed all undaunted answered, "Archer, you whoz without yo' bow iz nuttin', slanderer n' seducer, if you wuz ta be tried up in single combat fightin up in full armour, yo' bow n' yo' arrows would serve you up in lil stead. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Vain iz yo' boast up in dat you gots scratched tha sole o' mah foot. ah care nahh mo' than if uh hoe or some wack- pimp had hit mah dirty fo' realz. uh worthless coward can inflict but uh light wound; when ah wound uh playa though ah but graze his skin it be another matter, fo' mah weapon will lay his low yo. His hoe will tear her cheeks fo' grief n' his in lil pimps iz ghon be fatherless: dere will he rot, reddenin tha earf wit his blood, n' vultures, not dem hoes, will gather round his mutha in ."

Thus da perved-out mutha a wuz rappin yo, but Ulysses came up n' stood ova his mutha in . Under dis cover da perved-out mutha a sat down ta draw tha arrow from his wild lil' foot, n' sharp wuz tha wild- bull da perved-out mutha a suffered as da ruffneck did so. Then da perved-out mutha a sprang on ta his chariot n' bade tha charioteer cruize his ta tha ships, fo' da thug wuz sick at .

Ulysses wuz now alone; not one o' tha Argives stood by him, fo' dey wuz all panic-stricken. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. "Alas," holla'd tha pimpin' mutha a ta his dirty up in his in lil' dismay, "what will become o' me son, biatch? It be ill if ah turn n' fly 'bfoe deez oddz yo, but it iz ghon be worse if ah be left ridin' solo n' taken prisoner, fo' tha lil hustla o' Saturn has struck tha rest o' tha Danaans wit panic. But why rap ta mah dirty up in dis way, biatch? Well do ah know dat though cowardz quit tha field, uh hero, whether da thug wound or be wounded, mus' stand firm n' hold his own."

While da thug wuz thus up in two minds, tha rankz o' tha Trojans advanced n' hemmed his in, n' bitterly did dey come ta me it fo' realz. As houndz n' lusty youths set upon uh wild boar dat sallies from his in lair whettin his whitey tusks- dey battle his from every last mutha in side n' can hear tha gnashin o' his jaws yo, but fo' all his wild lil' fiercenizz dey still hold dey ground- even so furiously did tha Trojans battle Ulysses. First da perved-out mutha a sprang spear up in hand upon Deiopites n' wounded his on tha shoulder wit uh thugged-out downward blow; then he capped Thoon n' Ennomus fo' realz. Afta deez da perved-out mutha a struck Chersidamas up in tha loins under his shield as dat schmoooove mutha a had just sprung down from his chariot; so he fell tha fuq up in tha dust n' clutched tha earf up in tha hollow o' his hand. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! deez he let lie, n' go on ta wound Charops lil hustla o' Hippasus own brutha ta noble Socus. Right back up in yo mutha in . Socus, pimp dat da thug wuz, made all speed ta he`p him, n' when da thug wuz close ta Ulysses da perved-out mutha a holla'd, "Far-famed Ulysses, insatiable o' craft n' toil, dis dizzle you shall either boast o' havin capped bof tha lil playaz o' Hippasus n' stripped dem o' dey armour, or you shall fall 'bfoe mah spear."

Wif deez lyrics da perved-out mutha a struck tha shield o' Ulysses. Da spear go all up in tha shield n' ped on all up in his bangin richly wrought cuir, tearin tha flesh from his side yo, but Pallas Minerva did not suffer it ta pierce tha entrailz o' tha hero. Ulysses knew dat his madness- minute wuz not yet come yo, but he gave ground n' holla'd ta Socus, "Wretch, you shall now surely take uh thugged-out dirt nap. Yo gots stayed mah madness from fightin further wit tha Trojans yo, but you shall now fall by mah spear, yieldin glory ta mah dirty , n' yo' ta Hadez o' tha noble steeds."

Socus had turned up in flight yo, but as da ruffneck did so, tha spear struck his up in tha back midway between tha shoulders, n' go right all up in his chest yo. fell tha fuq heavily ta tha ground n' Ulysses vaunted ova his sayin`, "O Socus, lil hustla o' Hippasus tamer o' horses, dirtnap has been too quick fo' you n' you aint escaped him: skanky wretch, not even up in dirtnap shall yo' daddy n' mutha close yo' peeps yo, but tha ravenin vultures shall enshroud you wit tha flappin o' dey dark wings n' devour you, biatch. Whereas even though ah fall tha Achaeans will give me mah due ritez o' burial."

So sayin da ruffneck drew Socuss heavy spear outta his wild lil' flesh n' from his shield, n' tha blood welled forf when tha spear wuz withdrawn so dat da thug wuz much dismayed. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! When tha Trojans seen dat Ulysses wuz bleedin dey raised uh pimped out shout n' came on up in uh funky- body towardz him; tha pimpin' mutha a therefore gave ground, n' called his comrades ta come n' he`p his mutha in . Thrice did his schmoooove cry as loudly as playa can cry, n' thrice did brave Menelaus hear him; tha pimpin' mutha a turned, therefore, ta Ajax whoz wuz close beside his n' holla'd, "Ajax, noble lil hustla o' Telamon, captain o' yo' s, tha cry o' Ulysses rings up in mah ears, as though tha Trojans had cut his off n' wuz worstin his while he iz single-handed. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Let our es make our way all up in tha throng; it iz ghon be well dat our phat es defend him; ah fear he may come ta harm fo' all his valour if his thugged-out lil' punk- be left without support, n' tha Danaans would miss his sorely."

 hustled tha way n' mighty Ajax go wit his mutha in . Da Trojans had gathered round Ulysses like ravenous mountain jackals round tha carcase o' some homed stag dat has been hit wit uh arrow- tha stag has fled at full speed so long as his blood wuz warm n' his strengf has lasted yo, but when tha arrow has overcome him, tha savage jackals devour his  up in tha shady gladez o' tha forest. Then heaven sendz uh gangbangin' fierce lion thither, whereon tha jackals fly up in terror n' tha lion robs dem o' dey prey- even so did Trojans nuff n' brave gather round crafty Ulysses yo, but tha pimp stood at bay n' kept dem off wit his spear fo' realz. Ajax then came up wit his shield 'bfoe his  like uh wall, n' stood hard by, whereon tha Trojans fled up in all directions. Menelaus took Ulysses by tha hand, n' hustled his  outta tha press while his squire brought up his chariot yo, but Ajax rushed furiously on tha Trojans n' capped Doryclus, uh funky- bastard lil hustla o' Priam; then da thug wounded Pandocus, Lysandrus, Pyrasus, n' Pylartes; as some swollen torrent comes rushin up in full flood from tha mountains on ta tha plain, big- wit tha drizzle o' heaven- nuff uh thugged-out dry oak n' nuff uh pine do it engulf, n' much mud do it brang down n' cast tha fuq into tha sea- even so did brave Ajax chase tha foe furiously ova tha plain, slayin bof pimps n' horses.

Hector did not yet know what tha fuq Ajax wuz bustin, fo' da thug wuz fightin on tha off tha hook left o' tha battle by tha bankz o' tha river Scamander, where tha carnage wuz thickest n' tha war-cry loudest round Nestor n' brave Idomeneus fo' realz. Among deez Hector wuz makin pimped out slaughta wit his spear n' furious rollin' , n' wuz beatin tha livin shiznit outta tha ranks dat wuz opposed ta him; still tha Achaeans would gots given nahh ground, had not Alexandrus homeboy o' ghettofab Helen stayed tha prowess o' Machaon shepherd o' his thugged-out lil' s, by woundin his up in tha right shoulder wit uh triple-barbed arrow. Da Achaeans wuz up in pimped out fear dat as tha fight had turned against dem tha Trojans might take his prisoner, n' Idomeneus holla'd ta Nestor, "Nestor lil hustla o' Neleus, honour ta tha Achaean name, mount yo' chariot at once; take Machaon wit you n' cruize yo' horses ta tha ships as fast as you can. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch fo' realz. uh physician iz worf mo' than nuff mutha in other pimps put together, fo' his schmoooove can cut up arrows n' spread healin herbs."

Nestor knight o' Gerene did as Idomeneus had counselled; he at once mounted his chariot, n' Machaon lil hustla o' tha famed physician Aesculapius go wit his mutha in yo. lashed his horses n' dey flew onward not uh god damn thang lof towardz tha ships, as though o' dey own free will.

Then Cebriones seein tha Trojans up in mad drama holla'd ta Hector from his thugged-out lil' place beside him, "Hector, here iz we's two fightin on tha off tha hook win o' tha battle, while tha other Trojans iz up in pell-mell rout, dey n' dey horses fo' realz. Ajax lil hustla o' Telamon iz rollin dem 'bfoe him; ah know his by tha breadf o' his shield: let our es turn our chariot n' horses thither, where cow n' foot iz fightin most desperately, n' where tha cry o' battle iz loudest."

Wif dis he lashed his wild lil' freakadelic goodly steeds, n' when dey felt tha whip dey drew tha chariot full speed among tha Achaeans n' Trojans, ova tha bodies n' shieldz o' dem dat had fallen: tha axle wuz bespattered wit blood, n' tha rail round tha hoopty wuz covered wit splashes bof from tha horses' hoofs n' from tha tyrez o' tha wheels yo. Hector tore his way all up in n' flung his dirty tha fuq into tha thick o' tha fight, n' his thugged-out lil' presence threw tha Danaans tha fuq into mad drama, fo' his spear wuz not long idle; nevertheless though da thug go among tha ranks wit sword n' spear, n' throwin pimped out stones, he avoided Ajax lil hustla o' Telamon, fo' Jove would done been mad salty wit his if dat schmoooove mutha a had fought uh funky- betta playa than his dirty .

Then daddy Jove from his high throne struck fear tha fuq into tha o' Ajax, so dat da perved-out mutha a stood dere dazed n' threw his shield behind him- lookin fearfully all up in tha throng o' his wild lil' foes as though da thug wuz some wild beast, n' turnin hither n' thither but crouchin slowly backwardz fo' realz. As peasants wit dey houndz chase uh lion from dey stockyard, n' peep by night ta prevent his carryin off tha pick o' dey herd- he make his wild lil' freakadelic greedy sprin yo, but up in vain, fo' tha darts from nuff uh phat hand fall thick round him, wit burnin brandz dat scare his fo' all his wild lil' fury, n' when mornin comes da perved-out mutha a slinks foiled n' mad salty away- even so did Ajax, sorely against his will, retreat angrily 'bfoe tha Trojans, fearin fo' tha shipz o' tha Achaeans. Or as some lazy dat has had nuff uh cold- lil cudgel ed up bout his back, when he tha fuq into uh gangbangin' field begins smokin tha corn- thugs beat his but he be uh in load o' fo' dem, n' though dey lay bout wit dey sticks dey cannot hurt him; still when dat schmoooove mutha a has had his wild lil' fill dey at last cruize his from tha field- even so did tha Trojans n' dey allies pursue pimped out Ajax, eva smitin tha middle o' his shield wit dey darts, n' you can put dat on yo' toast. Now n' ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in da thug would turn n' show fight, keepin back tha battalionz o' tha Trojans, n' then da thug would ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in retreat; but he prevented any o' dem from makin his way ta tha ships. Right back up in yo mutha in . Single-handed da perved-out mutha a stood midway between tha Trojans n' Achaeans: tha spears dat sped from dey handz stuck uh load o' dem up in his madness- mighty shield, while many, though thirstin fo' his blood, fell tha fuq ta tha ground ere dey could reach his ta tha woundin o' his wild lil' fair flesh.

Now when Eurypylus tha brave lil hustla o' Euaemon seen dat Ajax wuz bein overpowered by tha drizzle o' arrows, da thug go up ta his n' hurled his spear yo. struck Apisaon lil hustla o' Phausius up in tha liver below tha midriff, n' laid his low. Eurypylus sprang upon him, n' stripped tha armour from his shoulders; but when Alexandrus seen him, he aimed uh arrow at his which struck his up in tha right thigh; tha arrow broke yo, but tha point dat wuz left up in tha wound dragged on tha thigh; da ruffneck drew back, therefore, under cover o' his comrades ta save his wild lil' freakadelic game, shoutin as da ruffneck did so ta tha Danaans, "muh motha in in playas, princes n' counsellorz o' tha Argives, rally ta tha defence o' Ajax whoz iz bein overpowered, n' ah doubt whether da thug will come outta tha fight kickin it yo. Hither, then, ta tha rescue o' pimped out Ajax lil hustla o' Telamon."

Even so, did his schmoooove cry when da thug wuz wounded; thereon tha others came near, n' gathered round him, holdin dey shieldz upwardz from dey shouldaz so as ta give his cover n' shiznit fo' realz. Ajax then made towardz dem, n' turned round ta stand at bay as soon as dat schmoooove mutha a had reached his madness- s.

Thus then did dey fight as it wuz uh gangbangin' flamin fire. Meanwhile, tha marez o' Neleus, all up in uh lather wit sweat, wuz bearin Nestor outta tha fight, n' wit his Machaon shepherd o' his thugged-out lil' playas fo' realz. Achillez seen n' took note, fo' da thug wuz standin on tha stern o' his shizzle watchin tha hard stress n' struggle o' tha fight yo. called from tha shizzle ta his comrade Patroclus, whoz heard his up in tha tent n' came up lookin like Mars his dirty - here indeed wuz tha beginnin o' tha ill dat presently befell his mutha in . "Why," holla'd he, "Achillez do you page me son, biatch? what tha fuq do you what tha fuq do you wants wit me son?" an' Achillez answered, "Noble lil hustla o' Menoetius, playa afta mah own , ah take it dat ah shall now gots tha Achaeans prayin at mah knees, fo' dey iz up in pimped out straits; go, Patroclus, n' ax Nestor whoz iz dat he iz bearin away wounded from tha field; from his back ah should say dat shiznit wuz Machaon lil hustla o' Aesculapius yo, but ah could not peep his wild lil' grill fo' tha horses go by me at full speed."

Patroclus did as his in lil' dear comrade had bidden him, n' set off hustlin by tha ships n' tentz o' tha Achaeans.

When Nestor n' Machaon had reached tha tentz o' tha lil hustla o' Neleus, dey dismounted, n' uh esquire, Eurymedon, took tha horses from tha chariot. Da pair then stood up in tha breeze by tha seaside ta dry tha sweat from dey shirts, n' when dey had so done dey came inside n' took dey seats, n' you can put dat on yo' toast. Fair Hecamede, whom Nestor had had awarded ta his from Tenedos when Achillez took it, mixed dem uh mess; dat biiiiatch wuz daughta o' wise Arsinous, n' tha Achaeans had given her ta Nestor cuz he excelled all o' dem up in counsel. First her big- booty set fo' dem uh gangbangin' fair n' well-made table dat had feet o' cyanus; on it dere wuz uh vessel o' bronze n' uh onion ta give relish ta tha drink, wit honey n' cakez o' barley-meal. It aint nuthin but tha nick nack patty wack, ah still gots tha bigger sack. dere wuz also uh cold- lil cup o' rare workmanshizzle which tha oldschool playa had brought wit his from home, studded wit bossez o' gold; it had four handles, on each o' which dere wuz two golden doves feeding, n' it had two feet ta stand on. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch fo' realz. Any one else would hardly done been able ta lift it from tha table when dat shiznit wuz full yo, but Nestor could do so like doggystyle. In dis tha biatch, as fair as uh goddess, mixed dem uh mess wit Pramnian colt 45; she grated goatz gin n juice cheese tha fuq into it wit uh funky- bronze grater, threw up in uh handful o' whitey barley-meal, n' havin thus prepared tha mess da hoe bade dem drank dat sheeit. When dey had done so n' had thus quenched dey thirst, dey fell tha fuq poppin' off wit one another, n' at dis moment Patroclus rocked up all up in tha do'.

When tha oldschool playa seen his da perved-out mutha a sprang from his seat, seized his hand, hustled his tha fuq into tha tent, n' bade his take his thugged-out lil' place among dem; but Patroclus stood where da thug wuz n' holla'd, "Noble , ah may not stay, you cannot persuade me ta come in; tha pimpin' mutha a dat busted mah madness aint one ta be trifled wif, n' his thugged-out lil' punk- bade me ax whoz tha wounded playa wuz whom you wuz bearin away from tha field. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! ah can now peep fo' mah dirty dat he iz Machaon shepherd o' his thugged-out lil' s. ah mus' go back n' tell Achilles. You, , know what tha fuq uh ty playa he iz, n' how tha fuq locked n loaded ta blame even where nahh blame should lie."

an' Nestor answered, "Why should Achillez care ta know how tha fuq nuff o' tha Achaeans may be wounded, biatch? recks not o' tha dismay dat reigns up in our host; our most valiant chizzletains lie disabled, brave Diomed lil hustla o' Tydeus iz wounded; so iz Ulysses n' Agamemnon; Eurypylus has been hit wit uh arrow up in tha thigh, n' ah gots just been brangin dis playa from tha field- tha pimpin' mutha a too wounded- wit uh arrow; nevertheless Achilles, so valiant though his thugged-out lil' punk- be, cares not n' knows nahh ruf. Will da thug wait till tha ships, do what tha fuq we's may, iz up in uh funky- blaze, n' we's perish one upon tha other, biatch? As fo' me, ah gots nahh strengf nor stay up in me any longer; would dat ah wuz still lil' n' phat as up in tha minutes when dere wuz uh gangbangin' fight between our es n' tha pimpz o' Elis bout some cattle-raiding. ah then capped Itymoneus tha valiant lil hustla o' Hypeirochus uh thugged-out dwella up in Elis, as ah wuz rollin up in tha spoil; da thug wuz hit by uh thugged-out dart thrown mah hand while fightin up in tha front rank up in defence o' his cows, so he fell tha fuq n' tha ghetto playas round his wuz up in pimped out fear. Shiiit, dis aint nahh joke. Us s drove off uh vast quantitizzle o' booty from tha plain, fiddy herdz o' cattle n' as nuff flockz o' sheep; fiddy droves also o' pigs, n' as nuff wide-spreadin flockz o' goats, n' you can put dat on yo' toast. o' horses moreover we's seized uh hundred n' fiddy, all o' dem mares, n' nuff had foals hustlin wit dem wild- mutha as fo' realz. All deez did our phat es cruize by night ta Pylus tha hood o' Neleus, takin dem within tha hood; n' tha o' Neleus wuz glad up in dat ah had taken so much, though dat shiznit wuz tha last tyme ah had eva been up in tha field. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! At daybreak tha heraldz go round bustin up like uh biatch dat all up in Elis ta whom dere wuz uh thugged-out debt owin should come; n' tha leadin Pylians embled ta divide tha spoils. dere wuz nuff ta whom tha Epeans owed chattels, fo' we's pimpz o' Pylus wuz few n' had been oppressed wit wrong; up in forma mutha in years Herculez had come, n' had laid his hand heavy upon us, so dat all our dopest pimps had perished. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Neleus had had twelve lil playas yo, but ah ridin' solo wuz left; tha others had all been capped. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Da Epeans presumin upon all dis had looked down upon our es n' had done our es much evil. muh motha in in daddy chose uh herd o' cattle n' uh pimped out flock o' sheep- three hundred up in all- n' tha pimpin' mutha a took dey shepherdz wit him, fo' dere wuz uh pimped out debt cuz o' his up in Elis, ta wit four horses, ballaz o' prizes. dey n' dey chariots wit dem had gone ta tha game n' wuz ta run fo' uh tripod yo, but Mackdaddy Augeas took dem, n' busted back dey driver grievin fo' tha loss o' his horses. Neleus wuz angered by what tha fuq dat schmoooove mutha a had bof holla'd n' done, n' took pimped out value up in return yo, but da ruffneck divided tha rest, dat nahh playa might gots less than his wild lil' full share.

"Thus did we's order all thangs, n' offer sacrifices ta tha godz all up in tha hood; but three minutes afterwardz tha Epeans came up in uh funky- body, nuff up in number, dey n' dey chariots, up in full array, n' wit dem tha two Moliones up in dey armour, though dey wuz still ladz n' unused ta fighting. Now dere be uh cold- lil certain hood, Thryoessa, perched upon uh rock on tha river Alpheus, tha border hood Pylus; dis dey would destroy, n' pitched dey camp bout it yo, but when dey had crossed dey whole plain, Minerva darted down by night from Olympus n' bade our es set ourselves up in array; n' she found willin soldiers up in Pylos, fo' tha pimps meant fighting. Neleus would not let me arm, n' hid mah horses, fo' da perved-out mutha a holla'd dat as yet ah could know not uh god damn thang bout war; nevertheless Minerva so ordered tha fight dat, all on foot as ah wuz, ah fought among our mounted forces n' vied wit tha foremost o' dem wild- mutha as. dere be uh river Minyeius dat falls tha fuq into tha sea near Arene, n' dere dey dat wuz mounted (an' ah wit dem) waited till morning, when tha g-unitz o' foot soldiers came up wit our es up in force. Thence up in full panoply n' shiznit we's came towardz noon ta tha sacred wataz o' tha Alpheus, n' dere we's offered suckas ta almighty Jove, wit uh funky- bull ta Alpheus, another ta Neptune, n' uh herd-heifer ta Minerva fo' realz. Afta dis we's took supper up in our g-units, n' laid our es down ta rest each up in his thugged-out armour by tha river.

"Da Epeans wuz beleaguerin tha hood n' wuz determined ta take it yo, but ere dis might be dere wuz uh thugged-out desperate fight up in swapmeet fo' dem wild- mutha as. When tha sunz rays in started ta fall upon tha earf our laid-back es joined battle, prayin ta Jove n' ta Minerva, n' when tha fight had begun, ah wuz tha straight-up original gangsta ta bust uh cap up in mah playa n' take his horses- ta wit tha warrior Mulius yo. wuz son-in-law ta Augeas, havin hooked up his wild lil' in eldest daughter, golden-haired Agamede, whoz knew tha virtuez o' every last mutha in herb which grows upon tha grill o' tha earf. ah speared his as da thug wuz comin towardz me, n' when he fell tha fuq headlong up in tha dust, ah sprang upon his chariot n' took mah place up in tha front ranks. Da Epeans fled up in all directions when dey seen tha captain o' dey horsemen (da dopest playa dey had) laid low, n' ah swept down on dem like uh whirlwind, takin fiddy chariots- n' up in each o' dem two pimps bit tha dust, slain by mah spear. Shiiit, dis aint nahh joke. ah should gots even capped tha two Moliones lil playaz o' Playa, unless dey real father, Neptune lord o' tha earthquake, had hidden dem up in uh thick mist n' borne dem outta tha fight. Thereon Jove vouchsafed tha Pylians uh pimped out victory, fo' we's chased dem far ova tha plain, cappin' tha pimps n' brangin up in dey armour, till our madness es had brought our horses ta Buprasium rich up in wheat n' ta tha Olenian rock, wit tha hill dat iz called Alision, at which point Minerva turned tha playas back. dere ah slew tha last playa n' left him; then tha Achaeans drove dey horses back from Buprasium ta Pylos n' gave props ta Jove among tha gods, n' among mortal pimps ta Nestor.

"Such wuz ah among mah peers, as surely as eva wuz yo, but Achillez iz fo' keepin all his valour fo' his dirty ; bitterly will he rue it hereafta when tha host iz bein cut ta pieces. muh motha in in phat playa, did not Menoetius charge you thus, on tha dizzle when da perved-out mutha a busted you from Phthia ta Agamemnon, biatch? Ulysses n' ah wuz up in tha crib, inside, n' heard all dat da perved-out mutha a holla'd ta you; fo' we's came ta tha fair doggy den o' Peleus while whoopin up recruits all up in all Achaea, n' when we's gots dere we's found Menoetius n' yo, n' Achillez wit you, biatch. Da oldschool knight Peleus wuz up in tha outa court, roastin tha fat thigh-bonez o' uh heifer ta Jove tha lord o' thunder; n' dat schmoooove mutha a held uh gold chalice up in his hand from which he poured drink-offeringz o' Cristal ova tha burnin sacrifice. Yo two wuz busy cuttin up tha heifer, n' at dat moment we's stood all up in tha gates, whereon Achillez sprang ta his wild lil' feet, hustled our es by tha hand tha fuq into tha crib, placed our es at table, n' set 'bfoe our es such hospitable entertainment as guests expect. When our madness es had satisfied ourselves wit meat n' drink, ah holla'd mah say n' urged bof o' y'all ta join us. Yo wuz locked n loaded enough ta do so, n' tha two oldschool pimps charged you much n' straitly. Oldskool Peleus bade his in lil hustla Achillez fight eva among tha foremost n' outvie his thugged-out lil' peers, while Menoetius tha lil hustla o' Playa wuz rappin thus ta you: 'muh motha in in son,' holla'd he, 'Achillez iz o' nobla birf than yo iz yo, but yo iz olda than he, though he iz far tha betta playa o' tha two. Counsel his wisely, guide his up in tha right way, n' da thug will follow you ta his own profit.' Thus did yo' daddy charge you yo, but you gots forgotten; nevertheless, even now, say all dis ta Achillez if da thug will dig you, biatch. Dum diddy-dum, here ah come biaaatch! Who tha fuq knows but wit heavenz he`p you may rap his ova, fo' it iz phat ta take uh gangbangin' playaz lyrics. If, however, he iz fearful bout some oracle, or if his madness- mutha has holla'd at his suttin' from Jove, then let his bust you, n' let tha rest o' tha Myrmidons follow wit you, if perchizzle you may brang light n' savin ta tha Danaans fo' realz. an' let his bust you tha fuq into battle clad up in his own armour, dat tha Trojans may fuq up you fo' his n' leave off fighting; tha lil playaz o' tha Achaeans may thus gots tyme ta git dey breaf, fo' dey iz hard pressed n' dere iz lil breathang tyme up in battle. You, whoz iz fresh, might easily cruize uh chillaxed enemy back ta his walls n' away from tha tents n' ships."

Wif deez lyrics he moved tha o' Patroclus, whoz set off hustlin by tha line o' tha ships ta Achilles, descendant o' Aeacus. When dat schmoooove mutha a had gots as far as tha shipz o' Ulysses, where wuz dey place o' embly n' court o' justice, wit dey altars all bout tha gods, Eurypylus lil hustla o' Euaemon kicked it wit him, wounded up in tha thigh wit uh arrow, n' limpin outta tha fight. Right back up in yo mutha in . Sweat drizzled from his head n' shoulders, n' black blood welled from his wack wound yo, but his madness- mind did not wander n' sheeit. Da lil hustla o' Menoetius when da perved-out mutha a seen his had comboner upon his n' wuz rappin piteously sayin`, "O unaiiight princes n' counsellorz o' tha Danaans, iz you then doomed ta feed tha houndz o' Troy wit yo' fat, far from yo' playaz n' yo' natizzle land, biatch? say, noble Eurypylus, will tha Achaeans be able ta hold pimped out Hector up in check, or will dey fall now 'bfoe his spear?"

Wounded Eurypylus made answer, "Noble Patroclus, dere iz nahh hope left fo' tha Achaeans but dey will perish at dey ships fo' realz. All dey dat wuz princes among our es iz lyin struck down n' wounded all up in tha handz o' tha Trojans, whoz iz waxin stronger n' stronger n' sheeit. But save me n' take me ta yo' ship; cut up tha arrow from mah thigh; wash tha black blood from off it wit warm water, n' lay upon it dem gracious herbs which, so dey say, done been shown you by Achilles, whoz wuz his dirty shown dem by Chiron, most righteouz o' all tha centaurs. fo' o' tha physicians Podalirius n' Machaon, ah hear dat tha one iz lyin wounded up in his cold- tent n' iz his dirty up in need o' healing, while tha other iz fightin tha Trojans upon tha plain."

"Pimp Eurypylus," replied tha brave lil hustla o' Menoetius, "how may deez thangs be, biatch? What can ah do, biatch? ah be on mah way ta bear uh message ta noble Achillez from Nestor o' Gerene, bulwark o' tha Achaeans yo, but even so ah'ma not be unmindful yo' distress."

Wif dis his schmoooove clasped his round tha middle n' hustled his tha fuq into tha tent, n' uh servant, when da perved-out mutha a seen him, spread bullock-skins on tha ground fo' his ta lie on. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch yo. laid his at full lengf n' cut up tha sharp arrow from his cold- thigh; da thug washed tha black blood from tha wound wit warm water; tha pimpin' mutha a then crushed uh funky- bitta herb, rubbin it between his hands, n' spread it upon tha wound; dis wuz uh virtuous herb which capped all pain; so tha wound presently dried n' tha blood left off flowing.


Book 012: Dissidia Duodecim Final FantasyEdit

So tha lil hustla o' Menoetius wuz attendin ta tha hurt o' Eurypylus within tha tent yo, but tha Argives n' Trojans still fought desperately, nor wuz tha trench n' tha high wall above it, ta keep tha Trojans up in check longer n' sheeit. dey had built it ta protect dey ships, n' had dug tha trench all round it dat it might safeguard bof tha ships n' tha rich spoils which dey had taken yo, but dey had not offered hecatombs ta tha gods. Well shiiiit, it had been built without tha consent o' tha immortals, n' therefore it did not last. Right back up in yo mutha in . So long as Hector lived n' Achillez nursed his thugged-out anger, n' so long as tha hood o' Priam remained untaken, tha pimped out wall o' tha Achaeans stood firm; but when tha bravest o' tha Trojans wuz nahh mo', n' nuff also o' tha Argives, though some wuz yet left kickin it when, moreover, tha hood wuz sacked up in tha tenf year, n' tha Argives had gone back wit dey ships ta dey own ghetto- then Neptune n' Apollo took counsel ta fuq wit tha wall, n' dey turned on ta it tha streamz o' all tha rivers from Mount Ida tha fuq into tha sea, Rhesus, Heptaporus, Caresus, Rhodius, Grenicus, Aesopus, n' goodly Scamander, wit Simois, where nuff uh gangbangin' finger-lickin' dirty- shield n' helm had fallen, n' nuff uh pimp o' tha race o' demigodz had bitten tha dust. Phoebus Apollo turned tha grillz o' all deez rivers together n' made dem flow fo' nine minutes against tha wall, while Jove drizzled tha whole tyme dat he might wash it sooner tha fuq into tha sea. Neptune his dirty, trident up in hand, surveyed tha werk n' threw tha fuq into tha sea all tha foundationz o' beams n' stones which tha Achaeans had laid wit so much toil; he made all level by tha mighty stream o' tha Hellespont, n' then when dat schmoooove mutha a had swept tha wall away da perved-out mutha a spread uh pimped out beach o' sand ova tha place where it had been. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. dis here done tha pimpin' mutha a turned tha rivers back tha fuq into dey oldschool courses.

dis here wuz what tha fuq Neptune n' Apollo wuz ta do up in afta tyme; but as yet battle n' turmoil wuz still ragin round tha wall till its timbers rang under tha blows dat drizzled upon dem wild- mutha as. Da Argives, cowed by tha scourge o' Jove, wuz hemmed up in at dey ships up in fear o' Hector tha mighty minista o' Rout, whoz as heretofore fought wit tha force n' fury o' uh whirlwind. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! As uh lion or wild boar turns fiercely on tha dawgs n' pimps dat battle him, while deez form solid wall n' shower dey javelins as dey grill him- his courage be all undaunted yo, but his high spirit iz ghon be tha dirtnap o' him; nuff uh tyme do his schmoooove charge at his thugged-out lil' pursuers ta scatta dem, n' dey fall back as often as da ruffneck do so- even so did Hector go bout among tha host exhortin his madness- s, n' cheerin dem on ta cross tha trench.

But tha horses dared not do so, n' stood neighin upon its brink, fo' tha widf frightened dem wild- mutha as. dey could neither jump it nor cross it, fo' it had overhangin banks all round upon either side, above which dere wuz tha sharp stakes dat tha lil playaz o' tha Achaeans had planted so close n' phat as uh thugged-out defence against all whoz would ail it; uh horse, therefore, could not git tha fuq into it n' draw his chariot afta his yo, but dem playas whoz wuz on foot kept tryin dey straight-up utmost. Then Polydamas go up ta Hector n' holla'd, "Hector, n' you other captainz o' tha Trojans n' allies, it iz madnizz fo' our es ta try n' cruize our horses across tha trench; it iz ghon be straight-up hard ta cross, fo' it iz full o' sharp stakes, n' beyond deez dere iz tha wall. Our horses therefore cannot git down tha fuq into it, n' would be o' nahh use if dey did; moreover it aint nuthin but uh narrow place n' we's should come ta harm. If, indeed, pimped out Jove iz minded ta he`p tha Trojans, n' up in his thugged-out anger will utterly fuq wit tha Achaeans, ah would mah dirty gladly peep dem perish now n' here far from Argos; but if dey should rally n' we's iz driven back from tha ships pell-mell tha fuq into tha trench dere iz ghon be not so much as uh playa git back ta tha hood ta tell tha tale. Now, therefore, let our es all do as ah say; let our squires hold our horses by tha trench yo, but let our es follow Hector up in uh funky- body on foot, clad up in full armour, n' if tha dizzle o' dey doom be at hand tha Achaeans aint gonna be able ta withstand us."

Thus wuz rappin Polydamas n' his sayin pleased Hector, whoz sprang up in full armour ta tha ground, n' all tha other Trojans, when dey seen his do so, also left dey chariots, n' you can put dat on yo' toast. Each playa then gave his horses ova ta his charioteer up in charge ta hold dem locked n loaded fo' his all up in tha trench. Then dey formed theyselves tha fuq into g-units, made theyselves ready, n' up in five bodies followed dey leaders. Those dat go wit Hector n' Polydamas wuz tha bravest n' most up in number, n' da most thugged-out determined ta break all up in tha wall n' fight all up in tha ships. Cebriones wuz also joined wit dem as third up in command, fo' Hector had left his chariot up in charge o' uh less valiant soldier n' sheeit. Da next company wuz hustled by Paris, Alcathous, n' Agenor; tha third by Helenus n' Deiphobus, two lil playaz o' Priam, n' wit dem wuz tha pimp Asius- Asius tha lil hustla o' Hyrtacus, whose pimped out black horsez o' tha breed dat be reppin tha river Selleis had brought his from Arisbe fo' realz. Aeneas tha valiant lil hustla o' Anchises hustled tha fourf; he n' tha two lil playaz o' Antenor, Archelochus n' Acamas, pimps well versed up in all tha artz o' war. Shiiit, dis aint nahh joke. Right back up in yo mutha in . Sarn wuz captain ova tha allies, n' took wit his Glaucus n' Asteropaeus whom da ruffneck deemed most valiant afta his dirty - fo' da thug wuz far tha dopest playa o' dem all. deez helped ta array one another up in dey ox-hide shields, n' then charged straight all up in tha Danaans, fo' dey felt shizzle dat dey would not hold up longer n' dat dey should theyselves now fall upon tha ships.

Da rest o' tha Trojans n' dey allies now followed tha counsel o' Polydamas but Asius lil hustla o' Hyrtacus would not leave his horses n' his wild lil' in esquire behind him; up in his wild lil' foolhardinizz tha pimpin' mutha a took dem on wit his towardz tha ships, nor did he fail ta come by his wild lil' in end up in consequence. Nevermore wuz tha pimpin' mutha a ta return ta wind-beaten Ilius, exultin up in his chariot n' his horses; ere his schmoooove could do so, dirtnap o' ill-omened name had overshadowed his n' dat schmoooove mutha a had fallen by tha spear o' Idomeneus tha noble lil hustla o' Deucalion. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch yo. had driven towardz tha left win o' tha ships, by which way tha Achaeans used ta return wit dey chariots n' horses from tha plain. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch yo. Hither da ruffneck drove n' found tha gates wit dey doors opened wide, n' tha pimped out bar down- fo' tha gatemen kept dem open so as ta let dem o' dey comrades enta whoz might be flyin towardz tha ships yo. Hither o' set purpose did da ruffneck direct his horses, n' his madness- pimps followed his wit uh funky- bangin cry, fo' dey felt shizzle dat tha Achaeans would not hold up longer, n' dat dey should now fall upon tha ships. Little did dey know dat all up in tha gates dey should find two o' tha bravest chizzletains, proud as uh mutha a lil playaz o' tha fightin Lapithae- tha one, Polypoetes, mighty lil hustla o' Pirithous, n' tha other Leonteus, peer o' murderous Mars. deez stood 'bfoe tha gates like two high oak trees upon tha mountains, dat tower from dey wide-spreadin roots, n' year afta year battle wit wind n' rain- even so did deez two pimps await tha onset o' pimped out Asius confidently n' without flinching. Da Trojans hustled by his n' by Iamenus, Orestes, Adamas tha lil hustla o' Asius, Thoon n' Oenomaus, raised uh funky- bangin cry o' battle n' made straight fo' tha wall, holdin dey shieldz o' dry ox-hide above dey heads; fo' uh while tha two defendaz remained inside n' hollared tha Achaeans on ta stand firm up in tha defence o' dey ships; when, however, dey seen dat tha Trojans wuz comin' all up in tha wall, while tha Danaans wuz bustin up like uh biatch up fo' he`p n' bein routed, dey rushed outside n' fought up in front o' tha gates like two wild boars upon tha mountains dat abide tha battle o' pimps n' dawgs, n' chargin on either side break down tha wood all round dem tearin it up by tha roots, n' one can hear tha clatterin o' dey tusks, till some one hits dem n' make uh end o' dem- even so did tha gleamin bronze rattle bout dey titties, as tha weapons fell tha fuq upon dem; fo' dey fought wit pimped out fury, trustin ta dey own prowess n' ta dem playas whoz wuz on tha wall above dem wild- mutha as. deez threw pimped out stones at dey ailants up in defence o' theyselves dey tents n' dey ships. Da stones fell tha fuq thick as tha flakez o' snow which some fierce blast drives from tha dark cloudz n' showers down up in sheets upon tha earf- even so fell tha fuq tha weapons from tha handz alike o' Trojans n' Achaeans yo. Helmet n' shield rang up as tha pimped out stones drizzled upon dem, n' Asius tha lil hustla o' Hyrtacus up in his in lil' dismay cried aloud n' smote his cold- two fat- thighs. "Father Jove," his schmoooove cried, "o' uh truf you too iz altogether given ta lying. ah made shizzle tha Argive heroes could not withstand us, whereas like slim-waisted wasps, or bees dat gots dey nests up in tha roxors by tha wayside- dey leave not tha holez wherein dey gots built undefended yo, but fight fo' dey lil ones against all whoz would take dem- even so deez s, though dey be but two, aint gonna be driven from tha gates yo, but stand firm either ta slay or be slain."

 wuz rappin yo, but moved not tha mind o' Jove, whose counsel it then wuz ta give glory ta Hector. Shiiit, dis aint nahh joke. Meanwhile, tha rest o' tha Trojans wuz fightin bout tha other gates; ah, however, be nahh god ta be able ta tell bout all deez thangs, fo' tha battle raged everywhere bout tha stone wall as it wuz uh gangbangin' fiery furnace. Da Argives, discomfited though dey wuz, wuz forced ta defend dey ships, n' all tha godz whoz  wuz representin' tha Achaeans wuz vexed up in spirit; but tha Lapithae kept on fightin wit might n' main.

Thereon Polypoetes, mighty lil hustla o' Pirithous, hit Damasus wit uh spear upon his cheek-pierced helmet. Da helmet did not protect him, fo' tha deal wit tha spear go all up in it, n' broke tha bone, so dat tha dome inside wuz scattered about, n' da ruffneck took uh dirt nap fightin yo. then slew Pylon n' Ormenus. Leonteus, o' tha race o' Mars, capped Hippomachus tha lil hustla o' Antimachus by strikin his wit his spear upon tha girdle yo. then drew his sword n' sprang first upon Antiphates whom he capped up in combat, n' whoz fell tha fuq grill upwardz on tha earf fo' realz. Afta his he capped Menon, Iamenus, n' Orestes, n' laid dem low one afta tha other.

While dey wuz busy strippin tha armour from deez heroes, tha youths whoz wuz hustled on by Polydamas n' Hector (an' deez wuz tha pimped outa part n' da most thugged-out valiant o' dem dat wuz tryin ta break all up in tha wall n' fire tha ships) wuz still standin by tha trench, uncertain what tha fuq dey should do; fo' dey had peeped uh sign from heaven when dey had essayed ta cross it- uh soarin eagle dat flew skirtin tha left win o' dey host, wit uh monstrous blood-red snake up in its talons still kickin it n' strugglin ta escape. Da snake wuz still bent on revenge, wrigglin n' twistin itself backwardz till it struck tha bird dat held it, on tha neck n' tittie; whereon tha bird bein up in pain, let it fall, droppin it tha fuq into tha middle o' tha host, n' then flew down tha wind wit uh gangbangin' finger-lickin' dirty- sharp cry like uh mutha a. Da Trojans wuz struck wit terror when dey seen tha snake, portent o' aegis-bearin Jove, writhang up in tha midst o' dem, n' Polydamas go up ta Hector n' holla'd, "Hector, at our councilz o' war yo iz eva given ta rebuke me, even when ah drop uh rhyme wisely, as though it wuz not well, forsoof, dat one o' tha playas should cross yo' will either up in tha field or all up in tha council board; you would gots dem support you always: nevertheless ah'ma say what tha fuq ah be thinkin iz ghon be bomb; let our es not now go on ta fight tha Danaans at dey ships, fo' ah know what tha fuq will happen if dis soarin eagle which skirted tha left win o' our wit uh monstrous blood-red snake up in its talons (da snake bein still kickin it) wuz straight-up busted as uh omen ta tha Trojans on dey essayin ta cross tha trench. Da eagle let go her hold; her dope did not succeed up in takin it home ta her lil ones, n' so will it be- wit ourselves; even though by uh mighty effort we's break all up in tha gates n' wall o' tha Achaeans, n' dey give way 'bfoe us, still we's shall not return up in phat order by tha way we's came yo, but shall leave nuff uh playa behind our es whom tha Achaeans will do ta dirtnap up in defence o' dey ships. Thus would any seer whoz wuz expert up in deez matters, n' wuz trusted by tha s, read tha portent."

Hector looked fiercely at his n' holla'd, "Polydamas, ah wanna bust uh nut on not o' yo' reading. Yo can find uh funky- betta sayin than dis if you will. If, however, you gots spoken up in phat earnest, then indeed has heaven robbed you o' yo' reason. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. Yo would gots me pay nahh heed ta tha counselz o' Jove, nor ta tha promises he made me- n' his thugged-out lil' punk- bowed his head up in confirmation; you bid mah madness be ruled by tha flight o' wild-fowl. What care ah whether dey fly towardz dawn or dark, n' whether dey be on mah right hand or on mah left, biatch? Let our es put our trust up in tha counsel o' pimped out Jove, mackdaddy o' mortals n' immortals. dere iz one omen, n' one only- dat uh playa should fight fo' his ghetto. Why iz you so fearful, biatch? Though we's be all o' our es slain all up in tha shipz o' tha Argives yo aint likely ta be capped yo, fo' yo aint steadfast nor courageous. If you will. not fight, or would rap others ova from bustin so, you shall fall forthwif 'bfoe mah spear."

Wif deez lyrics dat schmoooove mutha a hustled tha way, n' tha others followed afta wit uh cold- lil cry dat rent tha air. Shiiit, dis aint nahh joke. Then Jove tha lord o' thunder busted tha blast o' uh mighty wind from tha mountainz o' Ida, dat bore tha dust down towardz tha ships; tha pimpin' mutha a thus lulled tha Achaeans tha fuq into security, n' gave victory ta Hector n' ta tha Trojans, who, trustin ta dey own might n' ta tha signs dat schmoooove mutha a had shown dem, essayed ta break all up in tha pimped out wall o' tha Achaeans. dey tore down tha breastworks from tha walls, n' overthrew tha battlements; dey upheaved tha buttresses, which tha Achaeans had set up in front o' tha wall up in order ta support it; when dey had pulled deez down dey made shizzle o' breakin all up in tha wall yo, but tha Danaans still flossed nahh sign o' givin ground; dey still fenced tha battlements wit dey shieldz o' ox-hide, n' hurled dey pistols down upon tha foe as soon as any came below tha wall.

Da two Ajaxes go bout everywhere on tha walls cheerin on tha Achaeans, givin fair lyrics ta some while dey wuz rappin sharply ta any one whom dey seen ta be remiss. "muh motha in in playas," dey cried, "Argives one n' all- phat ty n' indifferent, fo' dere wuz never fight yet, up in which all waz o' equal prowess- dere iz now werk enough, as you straight-up well know, fo' all o' you, biatch. Right back up in yo mutha in . See dat you none o' y'all turn up in flight towardz tha ships, daunted by tha shoutin o' tha foe yo, but press forward n' keep one another up in , if it may so be dat Olympian Jove tha lord o' lightnin will vouchsafe our es ta repel our foes, n' cruize dem back towardz tha hood."

Thus did tha two go bout shoutin n' cheerin tha Achaeans on. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch fo' realz. As tha flakes dat fall thick upon uh winterz day, when Jove iz minded ta snow n' ta display deez his thugged-out arrows ta mankind- he lulls tha wind ta rest, n' snows minute afta minute till dat schmoooove mutha a has buried tha topz o' tha high mountains, tha headlandz dat jut tha fuq into tha sea, tha gry plains, n' tha tilled fieldz o' s; tha snow lies deep upon tha forelands, n' havenz o' tha grey sea yo, but tha waves as dey come rollin up in stay it dat it can come nahh further, though all else iz wrapped as wit uh mantle so heavy iz tha heavens wit snow- even thus thickly did tha stones fall on one side n' on tha other, some thrown all up in tha Trojans, n' some by tha Trojans all up in tha Achaeans; n' tha whole wall wuz up in uh uproar.

Still tha Trojans n' brave Hector would not yet gots ed up down tha gates n' tha pimped out bar, had not Jove turned his in lil hustla Sarn against tha Argives as uh lion against uh herd o' horned cattle. 'bfoe his dat schmoooove mutha a held his shield o' hammered bronze, dat tha smif had beaten so fair n' round, n' had lined wit ox hides which dat schmoooove mutha a had made fast wit rivetz o' gold all round tha shield; dis dat schmoooove mutha a held up in front o' him, n' brandishin his cold- two spears came on like some lion o' tha wilderness, whoz has been long famished fo' wants o' meat n' will dare break even tha fuq into uh well-fenced cribstead ta try n' git all up in tha sheep yo. may find tha shepherdz keepin peep ova dey flocks wit dawgs n' spears yo, but he iz up in nahh mind ta be driven from tha fold till dat schmoooove mutha a has had uh try fo' it; da thug will either sprang on uh gangbangin' finger-lickin' dirty- sheep n' carry it off, or be hit by uh spear from phat hand- even so wuz Sarn fain ta battle tha wall n' break down its battlements, n' you can put dat on yo' toast. Then da perved-out mutha a holla'd ta Glaucus lil hustla o' Hippolochus, "Glaucus, why up in Lycia do we's receive especial honour as regardz our place at table, biatch? Why iz tha chizzlest portions served our es n' our cups kept brimming, n' why do pimps peep up ta our es as though we's wuz gods, biatch? Mo'ova our madness es hold uh big- estate by tha bankz o' tha river Xanthus, fair wit orchard lawns n' wheat-growin land; it becomes us, therefore, ta take our stand all up in tha head o' all tha Lycians n' bear tha brunt o' tha fight, dat one may say ta another, Our princes up in Lycia smoke tha fat o' tha land n' drank dopest o' colt 45 yo, but dey iz fine fellows; dey fight well n' iz eva all up in tha front up in battle.' muh motha in in phat playa, if, when we's wuz once outta dis fight, we's could escape oldschool age n' dirtnap thenceforward n' fo' ever, ah should neither press forward mah dirty nor bid you do so yo, but dirtnap up in ten thousand shapes hangs eva ova our heads, n' nahh playa can elude him; therefore let our es go forward n' either win glory fo' ourselves, or yield it ta another."

Glaucus heeded his sayin`, n' tha pair forthwif hustled on tha host o' Lycians. Menestheus lil hustla o' Peteos wuz dismayed when da perved-out mutha a seen dem, fo' dat shiznit wuz against his thugged-out lil' part o' tha wall dat dey came- brangin destruction wit dem; he looked along tha wall fo' some chizzletain ta support his comrades n' seen tha two Ajaxes, pimps eva eager fo' tha fray, n' Teucer, whoz had just come from his cold- tent, standin near dem; but his schmoooove could not make his voice heard by shoutin ta dem, so pimped out uh uproar wuz dere from crashin shieldz n' helmets n' tha batterin o' gates wit uh gangbangin' finger-lickin' din which reached tha skies. Put ya mutha in choppers up if ya feel dis! fo' all tha gates had been closed, n' tha Trojans wuz hammerin at dem ta try n' break dey way all up in dem wild- mutha as. Menestheus, therefore, busted Thootes wit uh message ta Ajax. "Run, phat Thootes," holla'd n' page Ajax, or betta still bid bof come, fo' it iz ghon be all ova wit our es here directly; tha leadaz o' tha Lycians iz upon us, pimps whoz gots eva fought desperately heretofore. But if tha gots too much on dey handz ta let dem come, at any rate let Ajax lil hustla o' Telamon do so, n' let Teucer tha hyped bowman come wit his mutha in ."

Da messenger did as da thug wuz holla'd at, n' set off hustlin along tha wall o' tha Achaeans. When he reached tha Ajaxes da perved-out mutha a holla'd ta dem, "Sirs, princez o' tha Argives, tha lil hustla o' noble Peteos bidz you come ta his fo' uh while n' he`p his mutha in . Yo had betta bof come if you can, or it iz ghon be all ova wit his directly; tha leadaz o' tha Lycians iz upon him, pimps whoz gots eva fought desperately heretofore; if you gots too much on yo' handz ta let bof come, at any rate let Ajax lil hustla o' Telamon do so, n' let Teucer tha hyped bowman come wit his mutha in ."

Great Ajax, lil hustla o' Telamon, heeded tha message, n' at once wuz rappin ta tha lil hustla o' Oileus. "Ajax," holla'd he, "do you two, yo n' brave Lycomedes, stay here n' keep tha Danaans up in ta fight dey hardest. ah'ma go ova yonder, n' bear mah part up in tha fray yo, but ah'ma come back here at once as soon as ah gots given dem tha he`p dey need."

Wif dis here, Ajax lil hustla o' Telamon set off, n' Teucer his brutha by tha same daddy go also, wit Pandion ta carry Teucerz bow. dey go along inside tha wall, n' when dey came ta tha tower where Menestheus wuz (an' hard pressed indeed did dey find him) tha brave captains n' leadaz o' tha Lycians wuz stormin tha battlements as it wuz uh thick dark cloud, fightin up in close quarters, n' raisin tha battle-cry aloud.

First, Ajax lil hustla o' Telamon capped brave Epicles, uh cold- lil comrade o' Sarn, hittin his wit uh jagged stone dat lay by tha battlements all up in tha straight-up top o' tha wall fo' realz. As pimps now is, even one whoz iz up in tha bloom o' youf could hardly lift it wit his cold- two handz yo, but Ajax raised it high aloft n' flung it down, smashin Epicles' four-crested helmet so dat tha bonez o' his head wuz crushed ta pieces, n' he fell tha fuq from tha high wall as though da thug wuz diving, wit nahh mo' game left up in his mutha in . Then Teucer wounded Glaucus tha brave lil hustla o' Hippolochus as da thug wuz comin on ta battle tha wall yo. seen his shoulder bare n' aimed uh arrow at it, which made Glaucus leave off fighting. Thereon da perved-out mutha a sprang covertly down fo' fear uh load o' tha Achaeans might peep dat da thug wuz wounded n' taunt his mutha in . Right back up in yo mutha in . Sarn wuz stung wit grief when da perved-out mutha a seen Glaucus leave him, still da ruffneck did not leave off fightin yo, but aimed his spear at Alcmaon tha lil hustla o' Thestor n' hit his mutha in yo. drew his spear back ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in Alcmaon came down headlong afta it wit his bronzed armour rattlin round his mutha in . Then Sarn seized tha battlement up in his thugged-out lil' phat hands, n' tugged at it till it uh gave way together, n' uh funky- breach wuz made all up in which nuff might p.

Ajax n' Teucer then bof o' dem beat down his mutha in . Teucer hit his wit uh arrow on tha crew dat bore tha shield which covered his body yo, but Jove saved his in lil hustla from destruction dat he might not fall by tha ships' sterns. Meanwhile, Ajax sprang on his n' pierced his shield yo, but tha spear did not go clean through, though it hustled his back dat his schmoooove could come on nahh further n' shiznit yo. therefore retired uh lil space from tha battlement, yet without losin all his wild lil' freakadelic ground, fo' da perved-out mutha a still thought ta cover his dirty wit glory. Then tha pimpin' mutha a turned round n' shouted ta tha brave Lycians sayin`, "Lycians, why do you thus fail me son, biatch? fo' all mah prowess ah cannot break all up in tha wall n' open uh way ta tha ships single-handed. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Come close on behind me, fo' tha mo' dere be o' our es tha bettah."

Da Lycians, shamed by his bangin rebuke, pressed closer round his whoz wuz dey counsellor dey mackdaddy. Da Argives on dey part gots dey pimps up in fightin order within tha wall, n' dere wuz uh thugged-out deadly struggle between dem wild- mutha as. Da Lycians could not break all up in tha wall n' force dey way ta tha ships, nor could tha Danaans cruize tha Lycians from tha wall now dat dey had once reached it fo' realz. As two s, measuring-rodz up in hand, quarrel bout dey boundaries up in uh gangbangin' field dat dey own up in common, n' stickle fo' dey mutha in rights though dey be but up in uh mere strip, even so did tha battlements now serve as uh funky- bone o' contention, n' dey beat one anotherz round shieldz fo' dey possession. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. Many uh manz body wuz wounded wit tha pitiless bronze, as tha pimpin' mutha a turned round n' bared his back ta tha foe, n' nuff wuz struck clean all up in dey shields; tha wall n' battlements wuz everywhere deluged wit tha blood alike o' Trojans n' o' Achaeans. But even so tha Trojans could not rout tha Achaeans, whoz still held on; n' as some real hard-workin biatch weighs wool up in her balizzle n' sees dat tha scalez be true, fo' dat biiiiatch would bust some pitiful earnings fo' her lil ones, even so wuz tha fight balanced evenly between dem till tha tyme came when Jove gave tha pimped outa glory ta Hector lil hustla o' Priam, whoz wuz first ta sprang towardz tha wall o' tha Achaeans fo' realz. As da ruffneck did so, his schmoooove cried aloud ta tha Trojans, "Up, Trojans, break tha wall o' tha Argives, n' flin fire upon dey ships."

Thus did dat schmoooove mutha a hound dem on, n' up in one body dey rushed straight all up in tha wall as dat schmoooove mutha a had bidden dem, n' scaled tha battlements wit sharp spears up in dey handz yo. Hector laid hold o' uh stone dat lay just outside tha gates n' wuz thick at one end but pointed all up in tha other; two o' tha dopest pimps up in uh hood, as pimps now is, could hardly raise it from tha ground n' put it on ta uh waggon yo, but Hector lifted it like easily by his dirty, fo' tha lil hustla o' schemin Saturn juiced it up light fo' his mutha in fo' realz. As uh gangbangin' finger-lickin' dirty- shepherd picks up uh ramz fleece wit one hand n' findz it nahh burden, so easily did Hector lift tha pimped out stone n' cruize it right all up in tha doors dat closed tha gates so phat n' so firmly set. deez doors wuz double n' high, n' wuz kept closed by two cross-bars ta which dere wuz but one key. When dat schmoooove mutha a had gots close up ta dem, Hector strode towardz dem dat his blow might bust up in force n' struck dem up in tha middle, leanin his whole weight against dem wild- mutha as yo. broke bof hinges, n' tha stone fell tha fuq inside by reason o' its pimped out weight. Da portals re-echoed wit tha sound, tha bars held nahh longer, n' tha doors flew open, one one way, n' tha other tha other, all up in tha force o' tha blow. Then brave Hector leaped inside wit uh gangbangin' grill as dark as dat o' flyin night. Da gleamin bronze flashed fiercely bout his body n' dat schmoooove mutha a had tow spears up in his hand. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! None but uh god could gots withstood his as he flung his dirty tha fuq into tha gateway, n' his wild lil' in peeps glared like fire. Then tha pimpin' mutha a turned round towardz tha Trojans n' called on dem ta scale tha wall, n' dey did as his thugged-out lil' punk- bade dem- uh load o' dem at once climbin ova tha wall, while others ped all up in tha gates. Da Danaans then fled panic-stricken towardz dey ships, n' all wuz uproar n' mad drama.


Book 13:Da QuickeningEdit

Now when Jove had thus brought Hector n' tha Trojans ta tha ships, he left dem ta dey never-endin toil, n' turned his keen peeps away, lookin elsewhither towardz tha horse-breedaz o' Thrace, tha Mysians, fightas at close quarters, tha noble Hippemolgi, whoz live on milk, n' tha Abians, justest o' mankind. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! nahh longer turned so much as uh glizzle towardz Troy, fo' da ruffneck did not be thinkin dat any o' tha immortals would go n' he`p either Trojans or Danaans.

But Mackdaddy Neptune had kept nahh blind peep-out; dat schmoooove mutha a had been lookin admiringly on tha battle from his seat on tha topmost crestz o' wooded Samothrace, whence his schmoooove could peep all Ida, wit tha hood o' Priam n' tha shipz o' tha Achaeans yo. had come from under tha sea n' taken his thugged-out lil' place here, fo' he pitied tha Achaeans whoz wuz bein overcome by tha Trojans; n' da thug wuz furiously mad salty wit Jove.

Presently his schmoooove came down from his thugged-out lil' post on tha mountain top, n' as da perved-out mutha a strode swiftly onwardz tha high hills n' tha forest quaked beneaf tha tread o' his madness- mutha in immortal Nikes. Three strides tha pimpin' mutha a took, n' wit tha fourf he reached his wild lil' freakadelic goal- Aegae, where iz his wild lil' freakadelic glitterin golden palace, imperishable, up in tha depthz o' tha sea. When he gots dere, he yoked his wild lil' fleet brazen-footed steedz wit dey manez o' gold all flyin up in tha wind; his schmoooove clothed his dirty up in raiment o' gold, grasped his wild lil' freakadelic gold whip, n' took his stand upon his chariot fo' realz. As da thug go his way ova tha waves tha sea-monstas left dey lairs, fo' dey knew dey lord, n' came gambollin round his from every last mutha in quarta o' tha deep, while tha sea up in her gladnizz opened uh paf 'bfoe his chariot. Right back up in yo mutha in . So lightly did tha horses fly dat tha bronze axle o' tha hoopty wuz not even wet beneaf it; n' thus his boundin steedz took his ta tha shipz o' tha Achaeans.

Now dere be uh cold- lil certain big- cavern up in tha depthz o' tha sea midway between Tenedos n' rocky Imbrus; here Neptune lord o' tha earthquake stayed his horses, unyoked dem, n' set 'bfoe dem dey ambrosial forage yo. hobbled dey feet wit hobblez o' gold which none could either unloose or break, so dat dey might stay dere up in dat place until dey lord should return, so check it 'bfoe ya wreck it. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. dis here done da thug go his way ta tha host o' tha Achaeans.

Now tha Trojans followed Hector lil hustla o' Priam up in close array like uh storm-cloud or flame o' fire, fightin wit might n' main n' raisin tha cry battle; fo' dey deemed dat dey should take tha shipz o' tha Achaeans n' bust uh cap up in all dey chizzleest heroes then n' dere, so peek-uh-boo, clear tha way, ah be comin' thru fo'sho. Meanwhile, earf-encirclin Neptune lord o' tha earthquake hollared on tha Argives, fo' dat schmoooove mutha a had come up outta tha sea n' had umed tha form n' voice o' Calchas.

First da perved-out mutha a wuz rappin ta tha two Ajaxes, whoz wuz bustin dey dopest already, n' holla'd, "Ajaxes, you two can be tha savin o' tha Achaeans if yo big- booty iz ghon put up all yo' strengf n' not let yourselves be daunted. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! dis here type'uh shiznit happens all tha tyme. ah aint afraid dat tha Trojans, whoz gots gots ova tha wall up in force, iz ghon be victorious up in any other part, fo' tha Achaeans can hold all o' dem up in check yo, but ah much fear dat some evil will befall our es here where furious Hector, whoz boasts his dirty tha lil hustla o' pimped out Jove his dirty , iz leadin dem on like uh pillar o' flame. May some god, then, put it tha fuq into yo' hearts ta cook up uh gangbangin' firm stand here, n' ta incite others ta do tha like. In dis case yo big- booty iz ghon cruize his from tha ships even though his thugged-out lil' punk- be inspired by Jove his dirty ."

As da perved-out mutha a wuz rappin tha earf-encirclin lord o' tha earthquake struck bof o' dem wit his sceptre n' filled dey hearts wit darin yo. made dey hairy- legs light n' active, as also dey handz n' dey Nikes. Then, as tha soarin falcon poises on tha win high above some sheer rock, n' presently swoops down ta chase some bird ova tha plain, even so did Neptune lord o' tha earthquake win his wild lil' flight tha fuq into tha air n' leave dem wild- mutha as. o' tha two, swift Ajax lil hustla o' Oileus wuz tha straight-up original gangsta ta know whoz dat shiznit wuz dat had been bustin lyrics wit dem, n' holla'd ta Ajax lil hustla o' Telamon, "Ajax, dis iz one o' tha godz dat dwell on Olympus, whoz up in tha likenizz o' tha prophet iz biddin our es fight hard by our ships. Dat shiznit wuz not Calchas tha seer n' diviner o' omens; ah knew his at once by his wild lil' feet n' knees as tha pimpin' mutha a turned away, fo' tha godz iz soon recognised. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Mo'ova ah feel tha lust o' battle burn mo' fiercely within me, while mah handz n' mah feet under me iz mo' eager fo' tha fray."

an' Ajax lil hustla o' Telamon answered, "ah too feel mah handz grasp mah spear mo' firmly; mah strengf iz pimped outer, n' mah feet mo' nimble; ah long, moreover, ta hook up furious Hector lil hustla o' Priam, even up in single combat."

Thus did dey converse, exultin up in tha hunger afta battle wit which tha god had filled dem wild- mutha as. Meanwhile, tha earf-encircla roused tha Achaeans, whoz wuz restin up in tha rear by tha ships overcome at once by hard fightin n' by grief at seein dat tha Trojans had gots ova tha wall up in force. Tears in started fallin from dey peeps as dey beheld dem, fo' dey made shizzle dat dey should not escape destruction; but tha lord o' tha earthquake ped lightly bout among dem n' urged dey battalions ta tha front.

First da thug go up ta Teucer n' Leitus, tha pimp Peneleos, n' Thoas n' Deipyrus; Meriones also n' Antilochus, valiant warriors; all did he exhort. "Shame on you lil' Argives," his schmoooove cried, "it wuz on yo' prowess ah relied fo' tha savin o' our ships; if you fight not wit might n' main, dis straight-up dizzle will peep our es overcome by tha Trojans. o' uh truf mah peeps behold uh pimped out n' ty portent which ah had never thought ta see- tha Trojans at our ships- dey, whoz wuz heretofore like panic-stricken hinds, tha prey o' jackals n' wolves up in uh gangbangin' forest, wit nahh strengf but up in flight fo' dey cannot defend theyselves yo. Hitherto tha Trojans dared not fo' one moment grill tha battle o' tha Achaeans yo, but now dey gots sallied far from dey hood n' iz fightin at our straight-up ships all up in tha cowardice o' our leader n' tha disaffection o' tha playas theyselves, whoz up in dey discontent care not ta fight up in defence o' tha ships but iz bein slaughtered near dem wild- mutha as. True, Mackdaddy Agamemnon lil hustla o' Atreus iz tha cause o' our disasta by havin insulted tha lil hustla o' Peleus, still dis iz nahh reason why we's should leave off fighting. Let our es be quick ta heal, fo' tha heartz o' tha brave heal doggystyle. Yo do ill ta be thus remiss, you, whoz iz tha finest soldiers up in our whole army. ah blame nahh playa fo' keepin outta battle if he be uh weaklin yo, but ah be indignant wit such pimps as yo iz. muh motha in in phat playas, mattas will soon become even worse all up in dis slackness; think, each one o' you, o' his own honour n' credit, fo' tha hazard o' tha fight iz off tha hook. Great Hector iz now fightin at our ships; dat schmoooove mutha a has ed up all up in tha gates n' tha phat bolt dat held dem wild- mutha as."

Thus did tha earf-encircla address tha Achaeans n' urge dem on. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. Thereon round tha two Ajaxes dere gathered phat bandz o' s, o' whom not even Mars nor Minerva, marshalla o' hosts could make light if dey go among dem, fo' dey wuz tha picked pimpz o' all dem playas whoz wuz now awaitin tha onset o' Hector n' tha Trojans. dey done cooked up uh livin fence, spear ta spear, shield ta shield, buckla ta buckler, helmet ta helmet, n' playa ta . ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. Da horse-fro crests on dey gleamin helmets touched one another as dey nodded forward, so closely seffied wuz dey; tha spears dey brandished up in dey phat handz wuz interlaced, n' dey hearts wuz set on battle.

Da Trojans advanced up in uh thugged-out dense body, wit Hector at dey head pressin right on as uh rock dat comes thunderin down tha side o' some mountain from whose brow tha winta torrents gots torn it; tha foundationz o' tha dull thang done been loosened by floodz o' rain, n' as it boundz headlong on its way it sets tha whole forest up in uh uproar; it swerves neither ta right nor left till it reaches level ground yo, but then fo' all its fury it can go nahh further- even so easily did Hector fo' uh while seem as though da thug would game all up in tha tents n' shipz o' tha Achaeans till dat schmoooove mutha a had reached tha sea up in his madness- murderous course; but tha closely serried battalions stayed his when he reached dem, fo' tha lil playaz o' tha Achaeans thrust at his wit swordz n' spears pointed at bof ends, n' drove his from dem so dat da perved-out mutha a staggered n' gave ground; thereon da perved-out mutha a shouted ta tha Trojans, "Trojans, Lycians, n' Dardanians, fightas up in close combat, stand firm: tha Achaeans gots set theyselves as uh wall against me yo, but dey aint gonna check me fo' long; dey will give ground 'bfoe me if tha mightiest o' tha gods, tha thunderin spouse o' Juno, has indeed inspired mah onset."

Wif deez lyrics he put n' tha fuq into dem all. Deiphobus lil hustla o' Priam go bout among dem intent on deedz o' darin wit his bangin round shield 'bfoe him, under cover o' which da perved-out mutha a strode quickly forward. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Meriones took aim at his wit uh spear, nor did he fail ta hit tha broad orb o' ox-hide; but da thug wuz far from piercin it fo' tha spear broke up in two pieces long ere his schmoooove could do so; moreover Deiphobus had peeped it comin n' had held his shield well away from his mutha in . Meriones drew back under cover o' his comrades, mad salty alike at havin failed ta vanquish Deiphobus, n' havin ed up his spear yo. turned therefore towardz tha ships n' tents ta fetch uh spear which dat schmoooove mutha a had left behind up in his cold- tent.

Da others continued fighting, n' tha cry o' battle rose up tha fuq into tha heavens. Teucer lil hustla o' Telamon wuz tha straight-up original gangsta ta bust uh cap up in his in lil' , ta wit, tha warrior Imbrius lil hustla o' Mentor rich up in horses. Until tha Achaeans came dat schmoooove mutha a had lived up in Pedaeum, n' had hooked up Medesicaste uh funky- bastard daughta o' Priam; but on tha arrival o' tha Danaan fleet dat schmoooove mutha a had gone back ta Ilius, n' wuz uh pimped out playa among tha Trojans, dwellin near Priam his dirty, whoz gave his like honour wit his own sons. Da lil hustla o' Telamon now struck his under tha ear wit uh spear which tha pimpin' mutha a then drew back ag'in, n' Imbrius fell tha fuq headlong as uh ash-tree when it iz felled on tha crest o' some high mountain beacon, n' its delicate chronic foliage comes topplin down ta tha ground. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Thus did he fall wit his bronze-dight armour ringin harshly round him, n' Teucer sprang forward wit intent ta strip his o' his thugged-out armour; but as da thug wuz bustin so, Hector took aim at his wit uh spear. Shiiit, dis aint nahh joke. Teucer seen tha spear comin n' swerved aside, whereon it hit Amphimachus, lil hustla o' Cteatus lil hustla o' Playa, up in tha chest as da thug wuz comin tha fuq into battle, n' his thugged-out armour rang rattlin round his as he fell tha fuq heavily ta tha ground. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Hector sprang forward ta take Amphimachuss helmet from off his cold- temples, n' up in uh moment Ajax threw uh spear at his yo, but did not wound him, fo' da thug wuz encased all ova up in his ty armour; nevertheless tha spear struck tha boss o' his shield wit such force as ta cruize his back from tha two corpses, which tha Achaeans then drew off. Right back up in yo mutha in . Stichius n' Menestheus, captainz o' tha Athenians, bore away Amphimachus ta tha host o' tha Achaeans, while tha two brave n' impetuous Ajaxes did tha like by Imbrius fo' realz. As two lions snatch uh goat from tha houndz dat gots it up in dey fangs, n' bear it all up in thick brushwood high above tha ground up in dey jaws, thus did tha Ajaxes bear aloft tha body o' Imbrius, n' strip it o' its armour. Shiiit, dis aint nahh joke. Then tha lil hustla o' Oileus severed tha head from tha neck up in revenge fo' tha dirtnap o' Amphimachus, n' busted it whirlin ova tha crowd as though it had been uh funky- ball, till fell tha fuq up in tha dust at Hectorz Nikes.

Neptune wuz exceedingly mad salty dat his wild lil' freakadelic grandson Amphimachus should gots fallen; tha pimpin' mutha a therefore go ta tha tents n' shipz o' tha Achaeans ta urge tha Danaans still further, n' ta devise evil fo' tha Trojans. Idomeneus kicked it wit him, as da thug wuz takin leave o' uh cold- lil comrade, whoz had just come ta his from tha fight, wounded up in tha knee yo. His fellow-soldiers bore his off tha field, n' Idomeneus havin given ordaz ta tha physicians go on ta his cold- tent, fo' da thug wuz still thirstin fo' battle. Neptune wuz rappin up in tha likenizz n' wit tha voice o' Thoas lil hustla o' Andraemon whoz ruled tha Aetolianz o' all Pleuron n' high Calydon, n' wuz honoured among his thugged-out lil' playas as though da thug wuz uh god. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! "Idomeneus," holla'd he, "lawgiver ta tha Cretans, what tha fuq has now become o' tha threats wit which tha lil playaz o' tha Achaeans used ta threaten tha Trojans?"

an' Idomeneus chizzle among tha Cretans answered, "Thoas, nahh one, so far as ah know, iz up in fault, fo' we's can all fight. None iz held back neither by fear nor slacknizz yo, but it seems ta be tha o' almighty Jove dat tha Achaeans should perish ingloriously here far from Argos: you, Thoas, done been always staunch, n' you keep others up in if you peep any fail up in duty; be not then remiss now yo, but exhort all ta do dey utmost."

ta dis Neptune lord o' tha earthquake made answer, "Idomeneus, may he never return from Troy yo, but remain here fo' dawgs ta batten upon, whoz iz dis dizzle wilfully slack up in fighting. Git yo' armour n' go, we's mus' make all haste together if we's may be o' any use, though we's iz only two. Even cowardz bust courage from companionship, n' we's two can hold our own wit tha bravest."

Therewif tha god go back tha fuq into tha thick o' tha fight, n' Idomeneus when dat schmoooove mutha a had reached his cold- tent donned his thugged-out armour, grasped his cold- two spears, n' sallied forf fo' realz. As tha lightnin which tha lil hustla o' Saturn brandishes from bright Olympus when da thug would show uh sign ta mortals, n' its gleam flashes far n' wide- even so did his thugged-out armour gleam bout his as he ran. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. Meriones his sturdy squire kicked it wit his while da thug wuz still near his cold- tent (fo' da thug wuz goin ta fetch his spear) n' Idomeneus holla'd

"Meriones, fleet lil hustla o' Molus, dopest o' comrades, why gots you left tha field, biatch? iz you wounded, n' iz tha deal wit tha weapon hurtin yo slick , biatch? or gots you been busted ta fetch me son, biatch? ah wants nahh fetching; ah had far fight than stay up in mah tent."

"Idomeneus," answered Meriones, "ah come fo' uh spear, if ah can find one up in mah tent; ah gots ed up tha one ah had, up in throwin it all up in tha shield o' Deiphobus."

an' Idomeneus captain o' tha Cretans answered, "Yo will find one spear, or tweny if you so please, standin up against tha end wall o' mah tent. ah gots taken dem from Trojans whom ah gots capped, fo' ah aint one ta keep mah enemy at armz lengf; therefore ah gots spears, bossed shields, helmets, n' burnished corslets."

Then Meriones holla'd, "ah too up in mah tent n' at mah shizzle gots spoils taken from tha Trojans yo, but dey aint at hand. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! ah done been at all times valorous, n' wherever dere has been hard fightin gots held mah own among tha foremost. dere may be dem among tha Achaeans whoz do not know how tha fuq ah fight yo, but you know it well enough yo ."

Idomeneus answered, "ah know you fo' uh funky- brave  : you need not tell mah dirty . If tha dopest pimps all up in tha ships wuz bein chosen ta go on uh ambush- n' dere aint uh god damn thang like dis fo' showin what tha fuq uh playa iz made o'; it comes up then whoz iz cowardly n' whoz brave; tha coward will chizzle colour at every last mutha in bust uh nut on n' turn; he iz full o' fears, n' keeps shiftin his weight first on one knee n' then on tha other; his thugged-out beats fast as tha pimpin' mutha a be thinkin o' dirtnap, n' one can hear tha chatterin o' his cold- teef; whereas tha brave playa aint gonna chizzle colour nor be on findin his dirty up in ambush yo, but be all tha tyme longin ta go tha fuq into action- if tha dopest pimps wuz bein chosen fo' such uh service, nahh one could make light o' yo' courage nor featz o' arms. Boy it's gettin hot, yeea indeed it iz. If you wuz struck by uh thugged-out dart or smitten up in close combat, it would not be from behind, up in yo' neck nor back yo, but tha weapon would hit you up in tha chest or belly as you wuz pressin forward ta uh place up in tha front ranks. But let our es nahh longer stay here poppin' off like chil'ns, lest we's be ill spoken o'; go, fetch yo' spear from tha tent at once."

On dis Meriones, peer o' Mars, go ta tha tent n' gots his dirty uh spear o' bronze yo. then followed afta Idomeneus, big- wit pimped out deedz o' valour fo' realz. As when baneful Mars sallies forf ta battle, n' his in lil hustla Panic so phat n' dauntless goes wit him, ta strike terror even tha fuq into tha o' uh hero- tha pair gots gone from Thrace ta arm theyselves among tha Ephyri or tha brave Phlegyans yo, but dey aint gonna dig bof tha contendin hosts, n' will give victory ta one side or ta tha other- even so did Meriones n' Idomeneus, captainz o' s, go up ta battle clad up in dey bronze armour. Shiiit, dis aint nahh joke. Meriones wuz first ta speak. "Son o' Deucalion," holla'd he, "where would you gots our es begin fighting, biatch? On tha right win o' tha host, up in tha centre, or on tha left wing, where ah take it tha Achaeans iz ghon be weakest?"

Idomeneus answered, "dere iz others ta defend tha centre- tha two Ajaxes n' Teucer, whoz iz tha finest archer o' all tha Achaeans, n' iz phat also up in uh hand-ta-hand fight. deez will give Hector lil hustla o' Priam enough ta do; fight as he may, da thug will find it hard ta vanquish dey indomitable fury, n' fire tha ships, unless tha lil hustla o' Saturn flin uh gangbangin' firebrand upon dem wit his own hand. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Great Ajax lil hustla o' Telamon will yield ta nahh playa whoz iz up in mortal mould n' smokes tha grain o' Ceres, if bronze n' pimped out stones can overthrow his mutha in yo. would not yield even ta Achillez up in hand-ta-hand fight, n' up in fleetnizz o' foot dere iz none ta beat him; let our es turn therefore towardz tha left wing, dat we's may know forthwif whether we's iz ta give glory ta some other, or tha pimpin' mutha a ta us."

Meriones, peer o' fleet Mars, then hustled tha way till dey came ta tha part o' tha host which Idomeneus had named.

Now when tha Trojans seen Idomeneus comin on like uh gangbangin' flame o' fire, his n' his squire clad up in dey richly wrought armour, dey shouted n' made towardz his all up in uh funky- body, n' uh gangbangin' furious hand-ta-hand fight raged under tha ships' sterns. Fierce as tha shrill windz dat whistle upon uh thugged-out dizzle when dust lies deep on tha roads, n' tha gusts raise it tha fuq into uh thick cloud- even such wuz tha fury o' tha combat, n' might n' main did dey hack at each other wit spear n' sword all up in tha host. Da field bristled wit tha long n' deadly spears which dey bore. Dazzlin wuz tha sheen o' dey gleamin helmets, dey fresh-burnished breastplates, n' glitterin shieldz as dey joined battle wit one another n' sheeit. Iron indeed mus' be his courage whoz could take pleasure up in tha sight o' such uh turmoil, n' peep on it without bein dismayed.

Thus did tha two mighty lil playaz o' Saturn devise evil fo' mortal heroes. Jove wuz minded ta give victory ta tha Trojans n' ta Hector, so as ta do honour ta fleet Achilles, nevertheless da ruffneck did not mean ta utterly overthrow tha Achaean host 'bfoe Ilius, n' only wanted ta glorify Thetis n' her valiant son. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. Neptune on tha other hand go bout among tha Argives ta incite dem, havin come up from tha grey sea up in secret, fo' da thug wuz grieved at seein dem vanquished by tha Trojans, n' wuz furiously mad salty wit Jove. Bof waz o' tha same race n' ghetto yo, but Jove wuz elder born n' knew mo', therefore Neptune feared ta defend tha Argives openly yo, but up in tha likenizz o' , he kept on encouragin dem all up in dey host. Thus, then, did deez two devise uh knot o' war n' battle, dat none could unloose or break, n' set bof sides tuggin at it, ta tha failin o' menz knees beneaf dem wild- mutha as.

an' now Idomeneus, though his afro wuz already flecked wit grey, called bangin on tha Danaans n' spread panic among tha Trojans as he leaped up in among dem wild- mutha as yo. slew Othryoneus from Cabesus, uh sojourner, whoz had but lately come ta take part up in tha war yo. sought Candra tha fairest o' Priamz daughtas up in marriage yo, but offered nahh giftz o' wooing, fo' he promised uh pimped out thang, ta wit, dat da thug would cruize tha lil playaz o' tha Achaeans willy nilly from Troy; oldschool Mackdaddy Priam had given his consent n' promised her ta him, whereon he fought on tha strengf o' tha promises thus made ta his mutha in . Idomeneus aimed uh spear, n' hit his as his schmoooove came stridin on. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch yo. His cuir o' bronze did not protect him, n' tha spear stuck up in his belly, so dat he fell tha fuq heavily ta tha ground. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Then Idomeneus vaunted ova his sayin`, "Othryoneus, dere iz nahh one up in tha ghetto whom ah shall admire mo' than ah do you, if you indeed big- up what tha fuq you gots promised Priam lil hustla o' Dardanus up in return fo' his in lil' daughter n' sheeit. we's too will make you uh offer; we's will hit you wit tha loveliest daughta o' tha lil hustla o' Atreus, n' will brang her from Argos fo' you ta fuq, if yo big- booty iz ghon sack tha goodly hood o' Ilius up in company wit ourselves; so come along wit me, dat we's may cook up uh cold- lil covenant all up in tha ships bout tha marriage, n' we's aint gonna be hard upon you bout giftz o' wooing."

Wif dis Idomeneus in started draggin his by tha foot all up in tha thick o' tha fight yo, but Asius came up ta protect tha body, on foot, up in front o' his horses which his wild lil' in esquire drove so close behind his dat his schmoooove could feel dey 'breaf upon his shoulder n' shiznit yo. wuz longin ta strike down Idomeneus yo, but ere his schmoooove could do so Idomeneus smote his wit his spear up in tha throat under tha chin, n' tha bronze point go clean all up in it yo. fell tha fuq as uh oak, or poplar, or pine which shipwrights gots felled fo' shipz timber upon tha mountains wit whetted axes- even thus did he lie full lengf up in front o' his chariot n' horses, grindin his cold- teef n' clutchin all up in tha bloodstained just yo. His charioteer wuz struck wit panic n' did not dare turn his horses round n' escape: thereupon Antilochus hit his up in tha middle o' his body wit uh spear; his cuir o' bronze did not protect him, n' tha spear stuck up in his belly yo. fell tha fuq gaspin from his chariot n' Antilochus pimped out Nestorz son, drove his horses from tha Trojans ta tha Achaeans.

Deiphobus then came close up ta Idomeneus ta avenge Asius, n' took aim at his wit uh spear yo, but Idomeneus wuz on tha peep-out n' avoided it, fo' da thug wuz covered by tha round shield he always bore- uh gangbangin' finger-lickin' dirty- shield o' oxhide n' bronze wit two arm-rodz on tha inside yo. crouched under cover o' dis here, n' tha spear flew ova his yo, but tha shield rang up as tha spear grazed it, n' tha weapon sped not up in vain from tha phat hand o' Deiphobus, fo' it struck Hypsenor lil hustla o' Hippasus, shepherd o' his thugged-out lil' s, up in tha liver under tha midriff, n' his in limbs failed beneaf his mutha in . Deiphobus vaunted ova his n' cried wit uh funky- bangin voice sayin`, "o' uh truf Asius has not fallen unavenied; da thug iz ghon be glad even while pin tha fuq into tha doggy den o' Hades, phat warden o' tha gate, dat ah gots busted some one ta escort his mutha in ."

Thus did he vaunt, n' tha Argives wuz stung by his sayin`. Noble Antilochus wuz mo' mad salty than any one yo, but grief did not make his forget his wild lil' playa n' comrade yo. ran up ta him, bestrode him, n' covered his wit his shield; then two o' his staunch comrades, Mecisteus lil hustla o' Echius, n' Alastor stooped down, n' bore his away groanin heavily ta tha ships. But Idomeneus ceased not his wild lil' fury yo. kept on strivin continually either ta enshroud some Trojan up in tha darknizz o' dirtnap, or his dirty ta fall while wardin off tha evil dizzle from tha Achaeans. Then fell tha fuq Alcathous lil hustla o' noble Aesyetes: da thug wuz son-in-law ta Anchises, havin hooked up his wild lil' in eldest daughta Hippodameia whoz wuz tha darlin o' her daddy n' motha, n' excelled all her generation up in beauty, accomplishments, n' understanding, wherefore tha bravest playa up in all Troy had taken her ta hoe- his did Neptune lay low by tha hand o' Idomeneus, blindin his bright peeps n' bindin his thugged-out lil' phat limbs up in fettas so dat his schmoooove could neither go back nor ta one side yo, but stood stock still like pillar or lofty tree when Idomeneus struck his wit uh spear up in tha middle o' his chest. Da coat o' mail dat had hitherto protected his body wuz now broken, n' rang harshly as tha spear tore all up in it yo. fell tha fuq heavily ta tha ground, n' tha spear stuck up in his thugged-out, which still beat, n' made tha booty-end o' tha spear quiver till dread Mars put uh end ta his wild lil' freakadelic game. Idomeneus vaunted ova his n' cried wit uh funky- bangin voice sayin`, "Deiphobus, since yo iz up in uh vibe ta vaunt, shall we's cry quits now dat our madness es gots capped three pimps ta yo' one, biatch? Nay, , stand up in fight wit me yo , dat you may learn what tha fuq manner o' Jove-begotten playa iz ah dat gots come hither n' sheeit. Jove first begot Minos chizzle rula up in Crete, n' Minos up in his cold- turn begot uh son, noble Deucalion; Deucalion begot me ta be uh rula ova nuff pimps up in Crete, n' mah ships gots now brought me hither, ta be tha bane o' yo , yo' father, n' tha Trojans."

Thus did da perved-out mutha a speak, n' Deiphobus wuz up in two minds, whether ta go back n' fetch some other Trojan ta he`p him, or ta take up tha challenge single-handed. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! In tha end, da ruffneck deemed it dopest ta go n' fetch Aeneas, whom he found standin up in tha rear, fo' dat schmoooove mutha a had long been aggrieved wit Priam cuz up in spite his brave deedz da ruffneck did not give his his in lil' due share o' honour. Shiiit, dis aint nahh joke. Deiphobus go up ta his n' holla'd, "Aeneas, pimp among tha Trojans, if you know any tizzlez o' kinship, he`p me now ta defend tha body o' yo' sisterz homeboy; come wit me ta tha rescue o' Alcathous, whoz bein homeboy ta yo' sista brought you up when you wuz uh cold- lil lil pimp up in his crib, n' now Idomeneus has slain his mutha in ."

Wif deez lyrics he moved tha o' Aeneas, n' da thug go up in pursuit o' Idomeneus, big- wit pimped out deedz o' valour; but Idomeneus wuz not ta be thus daunted as though da thug wuz uh mere child; dat schmoooove mutha a held his wild lil' freakadelic ground as uh wild boar at bay upon tha mountains, whoz abides tha comin o' uh pimped out crowd o' pimps up in some lonely place- tha bristlez stand upright on his back, his wild lil' in peeps flash fire, n' da thug whets his cold- tusks up in his wild lil' in eagernizz ta defend his dirty against houndz n' s- even so did famed Idomeneus hold his wild lil' freakadelic ground n' budge not all up in tha comin o' Aeneas yo. cried aloud ta his comrades lookin towardz Ascalaphus, Aphareus, Deipyrus, Meriones, n' Antilochus, all o' dem brave soldiers- "Hither mah playas," his schmoooove cried, "an' leave me not single-handed- ah go up in pimped out fear by fleet Aeneas, whoz iz comin against me, n' be uh redoubtable dispenser o' dirtnap battle. Mo'ova he iz up in tha flower o' youf when uh manz strengf iz top billin; if ah waz o' tha same age as he be n' up in mah present mind, either he or ah should soon bear away tha prize o' victory

On dis here, all o' dem as one playa stood near him, shield on shoulder n' shiznit fo' realz. Aeneas on tha other side called ta his comrades, lookin towardz Deiphobus, Paris, n' Agenor, whoz wuz leadaz o' tha Trojans along wit his dirty, n' tha playas followed dem as sheep follow tha ram when dey go down ta drank afta dey done been feeding, n' tha o' tha shepherd iz glad- even so wuz tha o' Aeneas gladdened when da perved-out mutha a seen his thugged-out lil' playas follow his mutha in .

Then dey fought furiously up in close combat bout tha body o' Alcathous, wieldin dey long spears; n' tha bronze armour bout dey bodies rang fearfully as dey took aim at one another up in tha press o' tha fight, while tha two heroes Aeneas n' Idomeneus, peerz o' Mars, outxied every last mutha in one up in dey desire ta hack at each other wit sword n' spear fo' realz. Aeneas took aim first yo, but Idomeneus wuz on tha lookout n' avoided tha spear, so dat it sped from Aeneas' phat hand up in vain, n' fell tha fuq quiverin up in tha ground. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Idomeneus meanwhile smote Oenomaus up in tha middle o' his belly, n' broke tha plate o' his corslet, whereon his bowels came gushin up n' his schmoooove clutched tha earf up in tha palmz o' his handz as he fell tha fuq sprawlin up in tha dust. Idomeneus drew his spear outta tha body yo, but could not strip his o' tha rest o' his thugged-out armour fo' tha drizzle o' darts dat wuz showered upon him: moreover his strengf wuz now beginnin ta fail his so dat his schmoooove could nahh longer charge, n' could neither sprang forward ta recover his own weapon nor swerve aside ta stay tha fuq away from one dat wuz aimed at him; therefore, though da perved-out mutha a still defended his dirty up in hand-ta-hand fight, his heavy feet could not bear his swiftly outta tha battle. Deiphobus aimed uh spear at his as da thug wuz retreatin slowly from tha field, fo' his bitternizz against his wuz as fierce as ever yo, but ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in he missed him, n' hit Ascalaphus, tha lil hustla o' Mars; tha spear go all up in his shoulder, n' his schmoooove clutched tha earf up in tha palmz o' his handz as he fell tha fuq sprawlin up in tha dust.

Grim Marz o' wack voice did not yet know dat his in lil hustla had fallen, fo' da thug wuz chillin on tha summitz o' Olympus under tha golden clouds, by command o' Jove, where tha other godz wuz also chillin, forbidden ta take part up in tha battle. Meanwhile, pimps fought furiously bout tha body. Deiphobus tore tha helmet from off his head yo, but Meriones sprang upon him, n' struck his on tha arm wit uh spear so dat tha visored helmet fell tha fuq from his hand n' came ringin down upon tha ground. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Thereon Meriones sprang upon his like uh vulture, drew tha spear from his shoulder, n' fell tha fuq back under cover o' his madness- s. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. Then Polites, own brutha o' Deiphobus ped his thugged-out arms round his waist, n' bore his away from tha battle till he gots ta his horses dat wuz standin up in tha rear o' tha fight wit tha chariot n' dey driver n' sheeit. deez took his towardz tha hood groanin n' up in pimped out pain, wit tha blood flowin from his thugged-out arm.

Da others still fought on, n' tha battle-cry rose ta heaven without ceasin fo' realz. Aeneas sprang on Aphareus lil hustla o' Caletor, n' struck his wit uh spear up in his cold- throat which wuz turned towardz him; his head fell tha fuq on one side, his helmet n' shield came down along wit him, n' dirtnap, gamez foe, wuz shed round his mutha in fo' realz. Antilochus spied his chance, flew forward towardz Thoon, n' wounded his as da thug wuz turnin round. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! laid open tha vein dat runs all tha way up tha back ta tha neck; his schmoooove cut dis vein clean away all up in its whole course, n' Thoon fell tha fuq up in tha dust grill upwards, stretchin up his handz imploringly towardz his comrades fo' realz. Antilochus sprang upon his n' stripped tha armour from his shoulders, glarin round his fearfully as da ruffneck did so. Da Trojans came bout his on every last mutha in side n' struck his broad n' gleamin shield yo, but could not wound his body, fo' Neptune stood guard ova tha lil hustla o' Nestor, though tha darts fell tha fuq thickly round his mutha in yo. wuz never clear o' tha foe yo, but wuz always up in tha thick o' tha fight; his spear wuz never idle; he poised n' aimed it up in every last mutha in direction, so eager wuz tha pimpin' mutha a ta hit some one from uh gangbangin' finger-lickin' distizzle or ta fight his hand ta hand.

As da thug wuz thus aimin among tha crowd, da thug wuz peeped by Adamas lil hustla o' Asius, whoz rushed towardz his n' struck his wit uh spear up in tha middle o' his shield yo, but Neptune made its point without effect, fo' he grudged his tha game o' Antilochus. One half, therefore, o' tha spear stuck fast like uh cold- lil charred stake up in Antilochuss shield, while tha other lay on tha ground. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Adamas then sought shelta under cover o' his madness- pimps yo, but Meriones followed afta n' hit his wit uh spear midway between tha private parts n' tha navel, where uh wound iz particularly ed up ta wretched mortals. dere did Meriones transfix him, n' da thug writhed convulsively bout tha spear as some bull whom mountain herdsmen gots bound wit ropez o' withes n' iz takin away perforce. Even so, did he move convulsively fo' uh while yo, but not fo' straight-up long, till Meriones came up n' drew tha spear outta his body, n' his wild lil' in peeps wuz veiled up in darkness.

Helenus then struck Deipyrus wit uh pimped out Thracian sword, hittin his on tha temple up in close combat n' tearin tha helmet from his head; tha helmet fell tha fuq ta tha ground, n' one o' dem playas whoz wuz fightin on tha Achaean side took charge o' it as it rolled at his wild lil' feet yo, but tha eyez o' Deipyrus wuz closed up in tha darknizz o' dirtnap.

On dis Menelaus wuz grieved, n' made menacingly towardz Helenus, brandishin his spear; but Helenus drew his bow, n' tha two beat down one another at one n' tha same moment, tha one wit his spear, n' tha other wit his bow n' arrow. Da lil hustla o' Priam hit tha breastplate o' Menelauss corslet yo, but tha arrow glanced from off it fo' realz. As black beans or pulse come patterin down on ta uh threshing-floor from tha broad winnowing-shovel, blown by shrill windz n' shaken by tha shovel- even so did tha arrow glizzle off n' recoil from tha shield o' Menelaus, whoz up in his cold- turn wounded tha hand wit which Helenus carried his bow; tha spear go right all up in his hand n' stuck up in tha bow itself, so dat ta his wild lil' freakadelic game he retreated under cover o' his madness- s, wit his hand draggin by his side- fo' tha spear weighed it down till Agenor drew it up n' bound tha hand carefully up in uh woollen slin which his wild lil' in esquire had wit his mutha in .

Pisander then made straight at Menelaus- his wild lil' in evil destiny lurin his on ta his in lil' doom, fo' da thug wuz ta fall up in fight wit you, O Menelaus. When tha two wuz hard by one another tha spear o' tha lil hustla o' Atreus turned aside n' he missed his thugged-out aim; Pisander then struck tha shield o' brave Menelaus but could not pierce it, fo' tha shield stayed tha spear n' broke tha shaft; nevertheless da thug wuz glad n' made shizzle o' victory; forthwif, however, tha lil hustla o' Atreus drew his sword n' sprang upon his mutha in . Pisander then seized tha bronze battle-axe, wit its long n' polished handle o' olive wood dat hung by his side under his shield, n' tha two made at one another n' sheeit. Pisander struck tha peak o' Menelauss crested helmet just under tha crest itself, n' Menelaus hit Pisander as da thug wuz comin towardz him, on tha forehead, just all up in tha rise o' his nose; tha bones cracked n' his cold- two gore-bedrabbled peeps fell tha fuq by his wild lil' feet up in tha dust yo. fell tha fuq backwardz ta tha ground, n' Menelaus set his heel upon him, stripped his o' his thugged-out armour, n' vaunted ova his sayin`, "Even thus shall you Trojans leave tha shipz o' tha Achaeans, proud as uh mutha a n' insatiate o' battle though you be: nor shall you lack any o' tha disgrace n' shame which you gots heaped upon mah dirty . Cowardly she-wolves dat yo iz, you feared not tha anger o' dread Jove, avenger o' violated hospitizzleity, whoz will one dizzle fuq wit yo' hood; you jacked mah wedded hoe n' wickedly carried off much treasure when you wuz her guest, n' now you would flin fire upon our ships, n' bust uh cap up in our heroes fo' realz. uh dizzle will come when, rage as you may, you shall be stayed. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! O daddy Jove, you, whoz dey say art above all bof godz n' pimps up in wisdom, n' from whom all thangs dat befall our es do proceed, how tha fuq can you thus favour tha Trojans- pimps so proud as uh mutha a n' overweening, dat dey iz never pissed wit fighting, biatch? All thangs pall afta uh while- chill, love, dope song, n' stately get5 jiggy wit i- still deez iz thangz o' which uh playa would surely gots his wild lil' fill than o' battle, whereas it iz o' battle dat tha Trojans iz insatiate."

So sayin Menelaus stripped tha blood-stained armour from tha body o' Pisander, n' handed it ova ta his madness- s; then he ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in ranged his dirty among dem playas whoz wuz up in tha front o' tha fight.

Harpalion lil hustla o' Mackdaddy Pylaemenes then sprang upon him; dat schmoooove mutha a had come ta fight at Troy along wit his wild lil' daddy yo, but da ruffneck did not bounce back ta tha doggy den ag'in. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch yo. struck tha middle o' Menelauss shield wit his spear but could not pierce it, n' ta save his wild lil' freakadelic game drew back under cover o' his madness- s, lookin round his on every last mutha in side lest da perved-out mutha a should be wounded. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! But Meriones aimed uh funky- bronze-tipped arrow at his as da thug wuz leavin tha field, n' hit his on tha right buttock; tha arrow pierced tha bone all up in n' through, n' penetrated tha bladder, so da perved-out mutha a sat down where da thug wuz n' breathed his in last up in tha armz o' his comrades, stretched like uh worm upon tha ground n' waterin tha earf wit tha blood dat flowed from his wound. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Da brave Paphlagonians tended his wit all due care; dey raised his tha fuq into his chariot, n' bore his sadly off ta tha hood o' Troy; his wild lil' daddy go also wit his weepin bitterly yo, but dere wuz nahh ransom dat could brang his in lil' dead lil hustla ta game ag'in.

Paris wuz deeply grieved by tha dirtnap o' Harpalion, whoz wuz his host when da thug go among tha Paphlagonians; he aimed uh arrow, therefore, up in order ta avenge his mutha in . Now dere wuz uh cold- lil certain playa named Euchenor, lil hustla o' Polyidus tha prophet, uh funky- brave playa n' wealthy, whose home wuz up in Corinf. dis here Euchenor had set sail fo' Troy well knowin dat it would be tha dirtnap o' him, fo' his wild lil' freakadelic phat oldschool daddy Polyidus had often holla'd at his dat he mus' either stay up in da crib n' take uh thugged-out dirtnap o' uh ty disease, or go wit tha Achaeans n' perish all up in tha handz o' tha Trojans; his schmoooove chose, therefore, ta stay tha fuq away from incurrin tha heavy fine tha Achaeans would gots laid upon him, n' all up in tha same tyme ta escape tha wild- bull n' sufferin o' disease. Paris now smote his on tha jaw under his wild lil' in ear, whereon tha game go outta his n' da thug wuz enshrouded up in tha darknizz o' dirtnap.

Thus then did dey fight as it wuz uh gangbangin' flamin fire. But Hector had not yet heard, n' did not know dat tha Argives wuz makin havoc o' his madness- pimps on tha left win o' tha battle, where tha Achaeans ere long would gots triumphed ova dem, so vigorously did Neptune cheer dem on n' he`p dem wild- mutha as yo. therefore held on all up in tha point where dat schmoooove mutha a had first forced his way all up in tha gates n' tha wall, afta breakin all up in tha serried rankz o' Danaan warriors. Dat shiznit wuz here dat tha shipz o' Ajax n' Protesilaus wuz drawn up by tha sea-shore; here tha wall wuz at its lowest, n' tha fight bof o' playa n' cow raged most fiercely. Da Boeotians n' tha Ionians wit dey long tunics, tha Locrians, tha pimpz o' Phthia, n' tha hyped force o' tha Epeans could hardly stay Hector as he rushed on towardz tha ships, nor could dey cruize his from dem, fo' da thug wuz as uh wall o' fire. Da chosen pimpz o' tha Athenians wuz up in tha van, hustled by Menestheus lil hustla o' Peteos, wit whom wuz also Pheidas, Stichius, n' stalwart Bias: Meges lil hustla o' Phyleus, Amphion, n' Dracius commanded tha Epeans, while Medon n' staunch Podarces hustled tha pimpz o' Phthia. o' deez, Medon wuz bastard lil hustla ta Oileus n' brutha o' Ajax yo, but he lived up in Phylace away from his own ghetto, fo' dat schmoooove mutha a had capped tha brutha o' his stepmutha Eriopis, tha hoe o' Oileus; tha other, Podarces, wuz tha lil hustla o' Iphiclus lil hustla o' Phylacus. deez two stood up in tha van o' tha Phthians, n' defended tha ships along wit tha Boeotians.

Ajax lil hustla o' Oileus never fo' uh moment left tha side o' Ajax lil hustla o' Telamon yo, but as two swart oxen bof strain dey utmost all up in tha plough which dey iz drawin up in uh gangbangin' fallow field, n' tha sweat steams upwardz from bout tha rootz o' dey horns- not uh god damn thang but tha yoke divides dem as dey break up tha ground till dey reach tha end o' tha field- even so did tha two Ajaxes stand shoulder ta shoulder by one another n' sheeit. Many n' brave comrades followed tha lil hustla o' Telamon, ta relieve his o' his shield when da thug wuz overcome wit sweat n' toil yo, but tha Locrians did not follow so close afta tha lil hustla o' Oileus, fo' dey could not hold dey own up in uh hand-ta-hand fight. dey had nahh bronze helmets wit plumez o' horse-fro, neither had dey shieldz nor ashen spears yo, but dey had come ta Troy armed wit bows, n' wit slingz o' twisted wool from which dey showered dey pistols ta break tha rankz o' tha Trojans. Da others, therefore, wit dey heavy armour bore tha brunt o' tha fight wit tha Trojans n' wit Hector, while tha Locrians blasted from behind, under dey cover; n' thus tha Trojans in started ta lose, fo' tha arrows threw dem tha fuq into mad drama.

Da Trojans would now done been driven up in sorry plight from tha ships n' tents back ta windy Ilius, had not Polydamas presently holla'd ta Hector, "Hector, dere iz nahh persuadin you ta take lyrics. cuz heaven has so richly endowed you wit tha artz o' war, you be thinkin dat you mus' therefore excel others up in counsel; but you cannot thus claim preeminence up in all thangs yo. Heaven has made one playa uh pimpin soldier; o' another it has done cooked up uh funky- breakdancer or uh thug n' playa on tha lyre; while yet up in another Jove has implanted uh wise understandin o' which pimps reap fruit ta tha savin o' many, n' dat schmoooove mutha a his dirty knows mo' bout it than any one; therefore ah'ma say what tha fuq ah be thinkin iz ghon be bomb. Da fight has hemmed you up in as wit uh cold- lil circle o' fire, n' even now dat tha Trojans iz within tha wall uh load o' dem stand aloof up in full armour, while others iz fightin scattered n' outnumbered near tha ships. Draw back, therefore, n' page yo' chizzletains round you, dat we's may advise together whether ta fall now upon tha ships up in tha hope dat heaven may vouchsafe our es victory, or ta beat uh retreat while we's can yet safely do so. ah pimped outly fear dat tha Achaeans will pay our es dey debt o' yesterdizzle up in full, fo' dere iz one abidin at dey ships whoz iz never weary o' battle, n' whoz aint gonna hold aloof much longer."

Thus wuz rappin Polydamas, n' his in lyrics pleased Hector well yo. sprang up in full armour from his chariot n' holla'd, "Polydamas, gather tha chizzletains here; ah'ma go yonder tha fuq into tha fight yo, but will return at once when ah gots given dem dey orders."

 then sped onward, towerin like uh snowy mountain, n' wit uh funky- bangin cry flew all up in tha rankz o' tha Trojans n' dey allies. Put ya mutha in choppers up if ya feel dis! When dey heard his voice dey all hastened ta gather round Polydamas tha pimpin lil hustla o' Panthous yo, but Hector kept on among tha foremost, lookin everywhere ta find Deiphobus n' pimp Helenus, Adamas lil hustla o' Asius, n' Asius lil hustla o' Hyrtacus; living, indeed, n' scatheless his schmoooove  could nahh longer find dem, fo' tha two last wuz lyin by tha sternz o' tha Achaean ships, slain by tha Argives, while tha others had been also stricken n' wounded by dem; but upon tha left win o' tha dread battle he found Alexandrus, homeboy o' ghettofab Helen, cheerin his madness- pimps n' urgin dem on ta fight yo.   go up ta his  n' upbraided his mutha in . "Paris," holla'd he, "evil-hearted Paris, fair ta peep but biatch-mad n' false o' tongue, where iz Deiphobus n' Mackdaddy Helenus, biatch? Where iz Adamas lil hustla o' Asius, n' Asius lil hustla o' Hyrtacus, biatch? Where too iz Othryoneus, biatch? Ilius iz undone n' will now surely fall!"

Alexandrus answered, "Hector, why find fault when dere iz nahh one ta find fault wif, biatch? ah should hold aloof from battle on any dizzle than dis here, fo' mah mutha bore me wit not uh god damn thang o' tha coward bout mah dirty . From tha moment when you set our pimps fightin bout tha ships we's done been stayin here n' bustin battle wit tha Danaans. Our comrades bout whom you ax me iz dead; Deiphobus n' Mackdaddy Helenus ridin' solo gots left tha field, wounded bof o' dem up in tha hand yo, but tha lil hustla o' Saturn saved dem kickin dat sheeit, yo. Now, therefore, lead on where you would gots our es go, n' we's will follow wit right goodwill; you shall not find our es fail you up in so far as our strengf holdz up yo, but nahh playa can do mo' than up in his lies, nahh matta how tha fuq willin he may be."

Wif deez lyrics da perved-out mutha a satisfied his brudda, n' tha two go towardz tha part o' tha battle where tha fight wuz thickest, bout Cebriones, brave Polydamas, Phalces, Orthaeus, godlike Polyphetes, Palmys, Ascanius, n' Morys lil hustla o' Hippotion, whoz had come from fertile Ascania on tha precedin dizzle ta relieve other troops. Then Jove urged dem on ta fight. dey flew forf like tha blastz o' some fierce wind dat strike earf up in tha van o' uh thunderstorm- dey buffet tha salt sea tha fuq into uh uproar; nuff n' mighty iz tha pimped out waves dat come crashin up in one afta tha other upon tha shore wit dey archin headz all crested wit foam- even so did rank behind rank o' Trojans arrayed up in gleamin armour follow dey leadaz onward. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Da way wuz hustled by Hector lil hustla o' Priam, peer o' murderous Mars, wit his bangin round shield 'bfoe him- his shield o' ox-hides covered wit platez o' bronze- n' his wild lil' freakadelic gleamin helmet upon his cold- templez yo. kept steppin forward under cover o' his shield up in every last mutha in direction, makin trial o' tha ranks ta peep if dey would give way be his yo, but his schmoooove could not daunt tha courage o' tha Achaeans fo' realz. Ajax wuz tha straight-up original gangsta ta stride up n' challenge his mutha in . " ," his schmoooove cried, "draw near; why do you be thinkin thus vainly ta dismay tha Argives, biatch? we's Achaeans iz pimpin soldiers yo, but tha scourge o' Jove has fallen heavily upon us. Yo madness- , forsoof, iz set on beatin tha livin shiznit outta our ships yo, but we's too gots bandz dat can keep you at bay, n' yo' own fair hood shall be sooner taken n' sacked by ourselves. Da tyme iz near when you shall pray Jove n' all tha godz up in yo' flight, dat yo' steedz may be swifta than hawks as dey raise tha dust on tha plain n' bear you back ta yo' hood."

As da thug wuz thus bustin lyrics uh funky- bird flew by upon his bangin right hand, n' tha host o' tha Achaeans shouted, fo' dey took all up in tha omen. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. But Hector answered, "Ajax, braggart n' false o' tongue, would dat ah wuz as shizzle o' bein lil hustla fo' evermore ta aegis-bearin Jove, wit Biatch Juno fo' mah motha, n' o' bein held up in like honour wit Minerva n' Apollo, as ah be dat dis dizzle iz big- wit tha destruction o' tha Achaeans; n' you shall fall among dem if you dare abide mah spear; it shall rend yo' fair body n' bid you glut our houndz n' birdz o' prey wit yo' fat n' yo' flesh, as you fall by tha shipz o' tha Achaeans."

Wif deez lyrics dat schmoooove mutha a hustled tha way n' tha others followed afta wit uh cold- lil cry dat rent tha air, while tha host shouted behind dem wild- mutha as. Da Argives on dey part raised uh gangbangin' finger-lickin' dirty- shout likewise, nor did dey forget dey prowess yo, but stood firm against tha onslaught o' tha Trojan chizzletains, n' tha cry from bof tha hosts rose up ta heaven n' ta tha brightnizz o' Jovez presence.


Book 14: Da SqueakquelEdit

Nestor wuz chillin ova his colt 45 yo, but tha cry o' battle did not escape him, n' da perved-out mutha a holla'd ta tha lil hustla o' Aesculapius, "What, noble Machaon, iz tha meanin o' all dis here, biatch? Da shoutz o' pimps fightin by our ships grow stronger n' stronger; stay here, therefore, n' sit ova yo' colt 45, while fair Hecamede heats you uh funky- baf n' washes tha clotted blood from off you, biatch. ah'ma go at once ta tha peep-out station n' peep what tha fuq it be all about."

As da perved-out mutha a wuz rappin tha pimpin' mutha a took up tha shield o' his in lil hustla Thrasymedes dat wuz lyin up in his cold- tent, all gleamin wit bronze, fo' Thrasymedes had taken his wild lil' fatherz shield; he grasped his bangin redoubtable bronze-shod spear, n' as soon as da thug wuz outside seen tha disastrous rout o' tha Achaeans who, now dat dey wall wuz overthrown, wuz flyin pell-mell 'bfoe tha Trojans fo' realz. As when dere be uh heavy swell upon tha sea yo, but tha waves iz dum- dey keep dey peeps on tha peep fo' tha quarta whence tha fierce windz may sprang upon dem yo, but dey stay where dey iz n' set neither dis way nor dat, till some particular wind sweeps down from heaven ta determine dem- even so did tha oldschool playa ponder whether ta make fo' tha crowd o' Danaans, or go up in search o' Agamemnon. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. In tha end da ruffneck deemed it dopest ta git all up in tha lil hustla o' Atreus; but meanwhile tha hosts wuz fightin n' cappin' one another, n' tha hard bronze rattled on dey bodies, as dey thrust at one another wit dey swordz n' spears.

Da wounded mackdaddys, tha lil hustla o' Tydeus, Ulysses, n' Agamemnon lil hustla o' Atreus, fell tha fuq up in Nestor as dey wuz comin up from dey ships- fo' theirs wuz drawn up some way from where tha fightin wuz goin on, bein on tha shore itself inasmuch as dey had been beached first, while tha wall had been built behind tha hindermost. Da stretch o' tha shore, wide though it wuz, did not afford room fo' all tha ships, n' tha host wuz cramped fo' space, therefore dey had placed tha ships up in rows one behind tha other, n' had filled tha whole openin o' tha bay between tha two points dat formed dat sheeit. Da mackdaddys, leanin on dey spears, wuz comin up ta survey tha fight, bein up in pimped out anxiety, n' when oldschool Nestor kicked it wit dem dey wuz filled wit dismay. Then Mackdaddy Agamemnon holla'd ta him, "Nestor lil hustla o' Neleus, honour ta tha Achaean name, why gots you left tha battle ta come hither, biatch? ah fear dat what tha fuq dread Hector holla'd will come true, when he vaunted among tha Trojans sayin dat da thug would not return ta Ilius till dat schmoooove mutha a had fired our ships n' capped us; dis iz what tha fuq da perved-out mutha a holla'd, n' now it be all comin true fo' realz. Alas mutha a! otherz o' tha Achaeans, like Achilles, iz up in anger wit me dat dey refuse ta fight by tha sternz o' our ships."

Then Nestor knight o' Gerene answered, "It be indeed as you say; it be all comin legit at dis moment, n' even Jove whoz thundaz from on high cannot prevent dat sheeit. Fallen iz tha wall on which we's relied as uh impregnable bulwark bof fo' our es n' our fleet. Da Trojans iz fightin stubbornly n' without ceasin all up in tha ships; peep where you may you cannot peep from what tha fuq quarta tha rout o' tha Achaeans iz coming; dey iz bein capped up in uh cold- lil trippin m n' tha battle-cry ascendz ta heaven; let our es think, if counsel can be o' any use, what tha fuq our madness es had betta do; but ah do not advise our goin tha fuq into battle ourselves, fo' uh playa cannot fight when he iz wounded."

an' Mackdaddy Agamemnon answered, "Nestor, if tha Trojans iz indeed fightin all up in tha rear o' our ships, n' neither tha wall nor tha trench has served us- ova which tha Danaans toiled so hard, n' which dey deemed would be uh impregnable bulwark bof fo' our es n' our fleet- ah peep it mus' be tha will o' Jove dat tha Achaeans should perish ingloriously here, far from Argos. ah knew when Jove wuz willin ta defend us, n' ah know now dat he iz raisin tha Trojans ta like honour wit tha gods, while us, on tha other hand, his thugged-out lil' punk- bas bound hand n' foot. Now, therefore, let our es all do as ah say; let our es brang down tha ships dat iz on tha beach n' draw dem tha fuq into tha water; let our es make dem fast ta dey mooring-stones uh lil way out, against tha fall o' night- if even by night tha Trojans will desist from fighting; we's may then draw down tha rest o' tha fleet. dere aint uh god damn thang wack up in flyin fuq up even by night. Well shiiiit, it iz betta fo' uh playa dat da perved-out mutha a should fly n' be saved than be caught n' capped."

Ulysses looked fiercely at his n' holla'd, "Son o' Atreus, what tha fuq iz you poppin' off about, biatch? Wretch, you should gots commanded some other n' baser army, n' not been rula ova our es ta whom Jove has allotted uh game o' hard fightin from youf ta oldschool age, till we's every last mutha in one o' our es perish. iz it thus dat you would quit tha hood o' Troy, ta win which our madness es gots suffered so much bull , biatch? Hold yo' peace, lest some other o' tha Achaeans hear you say what tha fuq nahh playa whoz knows how tha fuq ta give phat counsel, nahh mackdaddy ova so pimped out uh host as dat o' tha Argives should eva gots let fall from his in lips. ah despise yo' judgement utterly fo' what tha fuq you done been sayin`. Would you, then, gots our es draw down our ships tha fuq into tha wata while tha battle iz raging, n' thus play further tha fuq into tha handz o' tha conquerin Trojans, biatch? It would be ruin; tha Achaeans aint gonna go on fightin when dey peep tha ships bein drawn tha fuq into tha gin n juice yo, but will cease comin' at n' keep turnin dey peeps towardz dem; yo' counsel, therefore, captain, would be our destruction."

Agamemnon answered, "Ulysses, yo' rebuke has stung me ta tha . ah be not, however, orderin tha Achaeans ta draw dey ships tha fuq into tha sea whether dey will or nahh. Right back up in yo mutha in . Some one, it may be, oldschool or young, can offer our es betta counsel which ah shall rejoice ta hear."

Then holla'd Diomed, "Such uh one be at hand; he aint far ta seek, if yo big- booty iz ghon dig me n' not resent mah bustin lyrics though ah be younger than any o' you, biatch. ah be by lineage lil hustla ta uh noble sire, Tydeus, whoz lies buried at Thebes. fo' Portheus had three noble sons, two o' whom, Agrius n' Melas, abode up in Pleuron n' rocky Calydon. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. Da third wuz tha knight Oeneus, mah fatherz father, n' da thug wuz da most thugged-out valiant o' dem all. Oeeneus remained up in his own ghetto yo, but mah daddy (as Jove n' tha other godz ordained it) migrated ta Argos yo. hooked up tha fuq into tha crew o' Adrastus, n' his in lil' doggy den wuz one o' pimped out abundance, fo' dat schmoooove mutha a had big- estatez o' rich corn-growin land, wit much orchard ground as well, n' dat schmoooove mutha a had nuff sheep; moreover he excelled all tha Argives up in tha use o' tha spear. Shiiit, dis aint nahh joke. Yo mus' yourselves gots heard whether deez thangs iz legit or nahh; therefore when ah say well despise not mah lyrics as though ah wuz uh cold- lil coward or o' ignoble birf. ah say, then, let our es git all up in tha fight as we's needz mus', wounded though we's be. When dere, we's may keep outta tha battle n' beyond tha range o' tha spears lest we's git fresh woundz up in addizzle ta what tha fuq our madness es gots already yo, but we's can spur on others, whoz done been indulgin dey spleen n' holdin aloof from battle hitherto."

Thus did da perved-out mutha a speak; whereon dey did even as dat schmoooove mutha a had holla'd n' set out, Mackdaddy Agamemnon leadin tha way.

Meanwhile Neptune had kept nahh blind peep-out, n' came up ta dem up in tha semblizzle o' uh oldschool . ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch yo. took Agamemnonz right hand up in his own n' holla'd, "Son o' Atreus, ah take it Achillez iz glad now dat da perved-out mutha a sees tha Achaeans routed n' slain, fo' he iz utterly without remorse- may his schmoooove come ta uh gangbangin' finger-lickin' dirty- ty- end n' heaven confound his mutha in fo' realz. As fo' yo , tha pimped godz aint yet so bitterly mad salty wit you but dat tha princes n' counsellorz o' tha Trojans shall ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in raise tha dust upon tha plain, n' you shall peep dem flyin from tha ships n' tents towardz dey hood."

Wif dis he raised uh mighty cry o' battle, n' sped forward ta tha plain. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. Da voice dat came from his in lil' deep chest wuz as dat o' nine or ten thousand pimps when dey iz shoutin up in tha thick o' uh gangbangin' fight, n' it put fresh courage tha fuq into tha heartz o' tha Achaeans ta wage war n' do battle without ceasing.

Juno o' tha golden throne looked down as her big- booty stood upon uh peak o' Olympus n' her wuz gladdened all up in tha sight o' his whoz wuz at once her brutha n' her brudda-in-law, hurryin hither n' thither amid tha fighting. Then dat dunkadelic hoe turned her peeps ta Jove as da perved-out mutha a sat on tha topmost crestz o' many-fountained Ida, n' loathed his mutha in . Right back up in yo mutha in . Biatch set her mutha in ta be thinkin how tha fuq she might hoodwink him, n' up in tha end her dope deemed dat it would be dopest fo' her ta git all up in Ida n' array her mutha in up in rich attire, up in tha hope dat Jove might become enamoured o' her, n' wish ta embrace her n' sheeit. While da thug wuz thus engaged uh thugged-out dope n' careless chill might be made ta loot ova his wild lil' in peeps n' senses.

beotch go, therefore, ta tha room which her lil hustla Vulcan had made her, n' tha doorz o' which dat schmoooove mutha a had cunningly fastened by meanz o' uh secret key so dat nahh other god could open dem wild- mutha as yo. Here she entered n' closed tha doors behind her n' sheeit. Right back up in yo mutha in . Biatch cleansed all tha dirt from her fair body wit ambrosia, then she anointed her mutha in wit olive oil, ambrosial, straight-up soft, n' scented specially fo' her mutha in - if it wuz so much as shaken up in tha bronze-floored doggy den o' Jove, tha scent pervaded tha universe o' heaven n' earf. Wif dis she anointed her delicate skin, n' then she plaited tha fair ambrosial locks dat flowed up in uh stream o' golden tresses from her immortal head. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Biatch put on tha wondrous robe which Minerva had hit dat shiznit fo' her wit consummate art, n' had embroidered wit manifold devices; she fastened it bout her bosom wit golden clasps, n' she girded her mutha in wit uh girdle dat had uh hundred tels: then she fastened her earrings, three solid pendants dat glistened most dopely, all up in tha pierced lobez o' her ears, n' threw uh ghettofab freshly smoked up veil ova her head. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Biatch bound her sandals on ta her feet, n' when dat freaky freaky biatch had arrayed her mutha in perfectly ta her satisfaction, she left her room n' called Venus ta come aside n' drop uh rhyme ta her n' sheeit. "muh motha in in dear child," holla'd she, "will you do what tha fuq ah be goin ta ax o' you, or will refuse me cuz yo iz mad salty at mah bein on tha Danaan side, while yo iz on tha Trojan?"

Jovez daughta Venus answered, "Juno, august biatch o' goddesses, daughta o' mighty Saturn, say what tha fuq you wants, n' ah'ma do it fo' at once, if ah can, n' if it can be done at all."

Then Juno holla'd at her uh lyin tale n' holla'd, "ah wants you ta endow me wit uh load o' dem fascinatin charms, tha spellz o' which brang all thangs mortal n' immortal ta yo' Nikes. ah be goin ta tha ghettoz end ta git on ova ta Oceanus (from whom all we's godz proceed) n' mutha Tethys: dey received mah madness up in dey crib, took care o' me, n' brought me up, havin taken me ova from Rhaea when Jove imprisoned pimped out Saturn up in tha depths dat iz under earf n' sea. ah mus' go n' peep dem dat ah may make peace between dem; dey done been quarrelling, n' iz so mad salty dat dey aint slept wit one another dis long while; if ah can brang dem round n' restore dem ta one anotherz embraces, dey iz ghon be grateful ta me n' ludd me fo' eva afterwards."

Thereon laughter-lovin Venus holla'd, "ah cannot n' mus' not refuse you, fo' you chill up in tha armz o' Jove whoz iz our mackdaddy."

As her big- booty wuz rappin she loosed from her bosom tha curiously embroidered girdle tha fuq into which all her charms had been wrought- love, desire, n' dat dope flattery which steals tha judgement even o' da most thugged-out prudent. Right back up in yo mutha in . Biatch gave tha girdle ta Juno n' holla'd, "Take dis girdle wherein all mah charms reside n' lay it up in yo' bosom. If yo big- booty iz ghon wear it ah promise you dat yo' errand, be it what tha fuq it may, aint gonna be bootless."

When dat freaky freaky biatch heard dis Juno smiled, n' still smilin she laid tha girdle up in her bosom.

Venus now go back tha fuq into tha doggy den o' Jove, while Juno darted down from tha summitz o' Olympus. Right back up in yo mutha in . Biatch ped ova Pieria n' fair Emathia, n' go on n' on till dat thugged-out biiiatch came ta tha snowy rangez o' tha Thracian horsemen, ova whose topmost crests her big- booty sped without eva settin foot ta ground. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! When dat thugged-out biiiatch came ta Athos dat biiiiatch go on ova da, wavez o' tha sea till she reached Lemnos, tha hood o' noble Thoas. dere she kicked it wit Sleep, own brutha ta Dirtnap, n' caught his by tha hand, sayin`, "Sleep, you whoz lord it alike ova mortals n' immortals, if you eva did mah madness uh steez up in times past, do one fo' me now, n' ah shall be grateful ta you eva afta n' sheeit. Close Jovez keen peeps fo' me up in slumber while ah hold his clasped up in mah embrace, n' ah'ma hit you wit uh funky- dope golden seat, dat can never fall ta pieces; mah clubfooted lil hustla Vulcan shall make it fo' you, n' da perved-out mutha a shall give it uh gangbangin' footstool fo' you ta rest yo' fair feet upon when yo be at table."

Then Sleep answered, "Juno, pimped out biatch o' goddesses, daughta o' mighty Saturn, ah would lull any other o' tha godz ta chill without compunction, not even exceptin tha wataz o' Oceanus from whom all o' dem proceed yo, but ah dare not go near Jove, nor bust his ta chill unless his thugged-out lil' punk- bidz mah dirty . ah gots had one lesson already all up in bustin what tha fuq you axed me, on tha dizzle when Jovez mighty lil hustla Herculez set sail from Ilius afta havin sacked tha hood o' tha Trojans fo' realz. At yo' biddin ah suffused mah dope self ova tha mind o' aegis-bearin Jove, n' laid his ta rest; meanwhile you hatched uh deal against Hercules, n' set tha blastz o' tha mad salty windz whoopin upon tha sea, till you took his ta tha goodly hood o' Cos away from all his wild lil' playas. Jove wuz furious when he awoke, n' in started hurlin tha godz bout all ova tha crib; da thug wuz lookin mo' particularly fo' mah dirty , n' would gots flung me down all up in space tha fuq into tha sea where ah should never done been heard o' any mo', had not Night whoz cows bof pimps n' godz protected mah dirty . ah fled ta her n' Jove left off lookin fo' me up in spite o' his bein so mad salty, fo' da ruffneck did not dare do anythang ta displease Night fo' realz. an' now yo be ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in askin me ta do suttin' on which ah cannot Biz."

an' Juno holla'd, "Sleep, why do you take such notions as dem tha fuq into yo' head, biatch? Do you be thinkin Jove iz ghon be as anxious ta he`p tha Trojans, as da thug wuz bout his own son, biatch? Come, ah'ma bone you ta one o' tha youngest o' tha Graces, n' her big- booty shall be yo' own- Pasithea, whom you gots always wanted ta fuq."

Sleep wuz pleased when dat schmoooove mutha a heard dis here, n' answered, "Then swear it ta me by tha dread wataz o' tha river Styx; lay one hand on tha bounteous earf, n' tha other on tha sheen o' tha sea, so dat all tha godz whoz dwell down below wit Saturn may be our witnesses, n' peep dat you straight-up do give me one o' tha youngest o' tha Graces- Pasithea, whom ah gots always wanted ta fuq."

Juno did as dat schmoooove mutha a had holla'd. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Biatch swore, n' invoked all tha godz o' tha nether ghetto, whoz iz called Titans, ta witness. When dat freaky freaky biatch had completed her oaf, tha two enshrouded theyselves up in uh thick mist n' sped lightly forward, leavin Lemnos n' Imbrus behind dem wild- mutha as. Presently dey reached many-fountained Ida, mutha o' wild beasts, n' Lectum where dey left tha sea ta go on by land, n' tha topz o' tha treez o' tha forest soughed under tha goin o' dey Nikes yo. Here Sleep halted, n' ere Jove caught sight o' his his schmoooove climbed uh lofty pine-tree- tha tallest dat reared its head towardz heaven on all Ida yo. hid his dirty behind tha branches n' sat dere up in tha semblizzle o' tha dope-rappin bird dat haunts tha mountains n' iz called Chalcis by tha godz yo, but pimps page it Cymindis. Juno then go ta Gargarus, tha topmost peak o' Ida, n' Jove, driver o' tha clouds, set peeps upon her n' shiznit fo' realz. As soon as da ruffneck did so his thugged-out lil' punk- became inflamed wit tha same horny desire fo' her dat dat schmoooove mutha a had felt when dey had first enjoyed each otherz embraces, n' slept wit one another without dey dear muthafathas knowin anythang bout it yo. go up ta her n' holla'd, "What do you wants dat you gots come hither from Olympus- n' dat too wit neither chariot nor horses ta convey yo slick ?"

Then Juno holla'd at his uh lyin tale n' holla'd, "ah be goin ta tha ghettoz end, ta git on ova ta Oceanus, from whom all we's godz proceed, n' mutha Tethys; dey received mah madness tha fuq into dey crib, took care o' me, n' brought me up. ah mus' go n' peep dem dat ah may make peace between dem: dey done been quarrelling, n' iz so mad salty dat dey aint slept wit one another dis long tyme. Da horses dat will take me ova land n' sea iz stationed on tha lowermost spurz o' many-fountained Ida, n' ah gots come here from Olympus on purpose ta consult you, biatch. ah wuz afraid you might be mad salty wit me lata on, if ah go ta tha doggy den o' Oceanus without lettin you know."

an' Jove holla'd, "Juno, you can chizzle some other tyme fo' payin yo' visit ta Oceanus- fo' tha present let our es devote ourselves ta ludd n' ta tha enjoyment o' one another n' sheeit. Never yet gots ah been so overpowered by boner neither fo' goddess nor mortal biatch as ah be at dis moment fo' yo - not even when ah wuz up in ludd wit tha hoe o' Ixion whoz bore me Pirithous, peer o' godz up in counsel, nor yet wit Danae tha daintily-ancled daughta o' Acrisius, whoz bore me tha famed pimp Perseus. Then dere wuz tha daughta o' Phoenix, whoz bore me Minos n' Rhadamanthus: dere wuz Semele, n' Alcmena up in Thebes by whom ah begot mah lion-hearted lil hustla Hercules, while Semele became mutha ta Bacchus tha comforta o' mankind. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! dere wuz biatch Ceres ag'in, n' ghettofab Leto, n' yo - but wit none o' deez wuz ah eva so much enamoured as ah now be wit you, biatch."

Juno ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in answered his wit uh lyin tale. "Most dread lil hustla o' Saturn," she exclaimed, "what iz you poppin' off about, biatch? Would you gots our es trip off one another here on tha top o' Mount Ida, where every last mutha in thang can be seen, biatch? What if one o' tha ever-livin godz should peep our es chillin together, n' tell tha others, biatch? It would be such uh scandal dat when ah had risen from yo' embraces ah could never show mah dirty inside yo' doggy den ag'in; but if yo iz so minded, dere be uh room which yo' lil hustla Vulcan has made me, n' dat schmoooove mutha a has given it phat phat doors; if you would so gots it, let our es go thither n' lie down."

an' Jove answered, "Juno, you need not be afraid dat either god or playa will peep you, fo' ah'ma enshroud bof o' our es up in such uh thugged-out dense golden cloud, dat tha straight-up sun fo' all his bright piercin beams shall not peep all up in dat sheeit."

Wif dis tha lil hustla o' Saturn caught his hoe up in his wild lil' in embrace; whereon tha earf sprouted dem uh cold- lil cushion o' lil' gr, wit dew-bespangled lotus, crocus, n' hyacinf, so soft n' thick dat it raised dem well above tha ground. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Here dey laid theyselves down n' overhead dey wuz covered by uh gangbangin' fair cloud o' gold, from which dere fell tha fuq glitterin dew-drops.

Thus, then, did tha sire o' all thangs repose peacefully on tha crest o' Ida, overcome at once by chill n' love, n' dat schmoooove mutha a held his spouse up in his thugged-out arms. Boy it's gettin hot, yeea indeed it iz. Meanwhile, Sleep made off ta tha shipz o' tha Achaeans, ta tell earf-encirclin Neptune, lord o' tha earthquake. When dat schmoooove mutha a had found his da perved-out mutha a holla'd, "Now, Neptune, you can he`p tha Danaans wit uh will, n' give dem victory though it be only fo' uh gangbangin' finger-lickin' dirty- short tyme while Jove iz still chillin. ah gots busted his tha fuq into uh thugged-out dope slumber, n' Juno has beguiled his tha fuq into goin ta bed wit her mutha in ."

Sleep now departed n' go his ways ta n' fro among mankind, leavin Neptune mo' eager than eva ta he`p tha Danaans yo. darted forward among tha straight-up original gangsta ranks n' shouted sayin`, "Argives, shall our slick es let Hector lil hustla o' Priam gots tha triumph o' takin our ships n' coverin his dirty wit glory, biatch? dis here iz what tha fuq da perved-out mutha a say dat da perved-out mutha a shall now do, seein dat Achillez iz still up in dudgeon at his ship; we's shall git on straight-up well without his if we's keep each other up in n' stand by one another n' sheeit. Now, therefore, let our es all do as ah say. Let our es each take tha dopest n' phattest shield we's can lay hold o', put on our helmets, n' sally forf wit our longest spears up in our hands; will lead you on, n' Hector lil hustla o' Priam, rage as he may, aint gonna dare ta hold up against us. If any phat staunch soldier has only uh lil' small- shield, let his hand it ova ta uh worse , n' take uh larger one fo' his dirty ."

Thus did da perved-out mutha a speak, n' dey did even as dat schmoooove mutha a had holla'd. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Da lil hustla o' Tydeus, Ulysses, n' Agamemnon, wounded though dey wuz, set tha others up in array, n' go bout everywhere effectin tha exchangez o' armour; da most thugged-out valiant took tha dopest armour, n' gave tha worse ta tha worse . ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. When dey had donned dey bronze armour dey marched on wit Neptune at dey head. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! In his thugged-out lil' phat hand he grasped his ty sword, keen o' edge n' flashin like lightning; woe ta his whoz comes across it up in tha dizzle o' battle; all pimps quake fo' fear n' keep away from dat sheeit.

Hector on tha other side set tha Trojans up in array. Thereon Neptune n' Hector waged fierce war on one another- Hector on tha Trojan n' Neptune on tha Argive side. Mighty wuz tha uproar as tha two forces met; tha sea came rollin up in towardz tha ships n' tentz o' tha Achaeans yo, but waves do not thunder on tha shore mo' loudly when driven 'bfoe tha blast o' Boreas, nor do tha flamez o' uh gangbangin' forest fire roar mo' fiercely when it iz well alight upon tha mountains, nor do tha wind bellow wit ruder noize as it tears on all up in tha topz o' when it iz blowin its hardest, than tha ty shout which tha Trojans n' Achaeans raised as dey sprang upon one another.

Hector first aimed his spear at Ajax, whoz wuz turned full towardz him, nor did he miss his thugged-out aim. Da spear struck his where two bandz ped ova his chest- tha crew o' his shield n' dat o' his silver-studded sword- n' deez protected his body yo. Hector wuz mad salty dat his spear should done been hurled up in vain, n' withdrew under cover o' his madness- s. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch fo' realz. As da thug wuz thus retreating, Ajax lil hustla o' Telamon struck his wit uh stone, o' which dere wuz nuff lyin bout under tha menz feet as dey fought- brought dere ta give support ta tha ships' sides as dey lay on tha shore fo' realz. Ajax caught up one o' dem n' struck Hector above tha rim o' his shield close ta his neck; tha blow made his spin round like uh top n' reel up in all directions fo' realz. As uh oak falls headlong when uprooted by tha lightnin flash o' daddy Jove, n' dere be uh ty smell o' brimstone- nahh playa can he`p bein dismayed if he iz standin near it, fo' uh thunderbolt be uh straight-up wack thang- even so did Hector fall ta earf n' bite tha dust yo. His spear fell tha fuq from his hand yo, but his shield n' helmet wuz made fast bout his body, n' his bronze armour rang bout his mutha in .

Da lil playaz o' tha Achaeans came hustlin wit uh funky- bangin cry towardz him, hopin ta drag his away, n' dey showered dey darts on tha Trojans yo, but none o' dem could wound his 'bfoe da thug wuz surrounded n' covered by tha princes Polydamas, Aeneas, Agenor, Sarn captain o' tha Lycians, n' noble Glaucus: o' tha others, too, dere wuz not one whoz wuz unmindful o' him, n' dey held dey round shieldz ova his ta cover his mutha in yo. His comrades then lifted his off tha ground n' bore his away from tha battle ta tha place where his horses stood waitin fo' his all up in tha rear o' tha fight wit dey driver n' tha chariot; deez then took his towardz tha hood groanin n' up in pimped out pain. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. When dey reached tha ford o' tha air stream o' Xanthus, begotten o' Immortal Jove, dey took his from off his chariot n' laid his down on tha ground; dey poured wata ova him, n' as dey did so his thugged-out lil' punk- breathed ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in n' opened his wild lil' in peeps. Then kneelin on his knees he vomited blood yo, but soon fell tha fuq back on ta tha ground, n' his wild lil' in peeps wuz ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in closed up in darknizz fo' da thug wuz still sturined by tha blow.

When tha Argives seen Hector leavin tha field, dey took n' set upon tha Trojans yet mo' furiously fo' realz. Ajax fleet lil hustla o' Oileus in started by springin on Satnius lil hustla o' Enops n' woundin his wit his spear: uh gangbangin' fair naiad nymph had borne his ta Enops as da thug wuz herdin cattle by tha bankz o' tha river Satnioeis. Da lil hustla o' Oileus came up ta his n' struck his up in tha flank so dat he fell, n' uh gangbangin' fierce fight between Trojans n' Danaans raged round his body. Polydamas lil hustla o' Panthous drew near ta avenge him, n' wounded Prothoenor lil hustla o' Areilycus on tha right shoulder; tha ty spear go right all up in his shoulder, n' his schmoooove clutched tha earf as he fell tha fuq up in tha dust. Polydamas vaunted loudly ova his sayin`, "ag'in ah take it dat tha spear has not sped up in vain from tha phat hand o' tha lil hustla o' Panthous; uh Argive has caught it up in his body, n' it will serve his fo' uh staff as he goes down tha fuq into tha doggy den o' Hades."

Da Argives wuz maddened by dis boastin fo' realz. Ajax lil hustla o' Telamon wuz mo' mad salty than any, fo' tha playa had fallen close be, him; so he aimed at Polydamas as da thug wuz retreatin yo, but Polydamas saved his dirty by swervin aside n' tha spear struck Archelochus lil hustla o' Antenor, fo' heaven counselled his in lil' destruction; it struck his where tha head springs from tha neck all up in tha top joint o' tha spine, n' severed bof tha tendons all up in tha back o' tha head. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! His head, grill, n' nostrils reached tha ground long 'bfoe his hairy- legs n' knees could do so, n' Ajax shouted ta Polydamas sayin`, "Think, Polydamas, n' tell me truly whether dis playa aint as well worf cappin' as Prothoenor wuz: da perved-out mutha a seems rich, n' o' rich crew, uh funky- brudda, it may be, or lil hustla o' tha knight Antenor, fo' he iz straight-up like his mutha in ."

But he knew well whoz it wuz, n' tha Trojans wuz pimped outly angered. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Acamas then bestrode his brotherz body n' wounded Promachus tha Boeotian wit his spear, fo' da thug wuz tryin ta drag his brotherz body away fo' realz. Acamas vaunted loudly ova his sayin`, "Argive archers, braggarts dat yo iz, toil n' sufferin shall not be fo' our es only yo, but uh load o' y'all too shall fall here as well as ourselves. Right back up in yo mutha in . See how tha fuq Promachus now chills, vanquished by mah spear; payment fo' mah brotherz blood has not long delayed; uh thugged-out , therefore, may well be thankful if he leaves uh kinsman up in his in lil' doggy den behind his ta avenge his wild lil' fall."

His taunts infuriated tha Argives, n' Peneleos wuz mo' enraged than any o' dem wild- mutha as yo. sprang towardz Acamas yo, but Acamas did not stand his wild lil' freakadelic ground, n' he capped Ilioneus lil hustla o' tha rich flock-masta Phorbas, whom Mercury had favoured n' endowed wit pimped outa wealf than any other o' tha Trojans. Ilioneus wuz his only son, n' Peneleos now wounded his up in tha eye under his wild lil' in eyebrows, tearin tha eye-bizzle from its socket: tha spear go right all up in tha eye tha fuq into tha nape o' tha neck, n' he fell, stretchin up bof handz 'bfoe his mutha in . Peneleos then drew his sword n' smote his on tha neck, so dat bof head n' helmet came tumblin down ta tha ground wit tha spear still stickin up in tha eye; tha pimpin' mutha a then held up tha head, as though it had been uh poppy-head, n' flossed it ta tha Trojans, vauntin ova dem as da ruffneck did so. "Trojans," his schmoooove cried, "bid tha daddy n' mutha o' noble Ilioneus make moan fo' his up in dey crib, fo' tha hoe also o' Promachus lil hustla o' Alegenor aint NEVER gonna be gladdened by tha comin o' her dear homeboy- when we's Argives return wit our ships from Troy."

As da perved-out mutha a wuz rappin fear fell tha fuq upon dem, n' every last mutha in playa looked round bout ta peep whither he might fly fo' safety.

Tell me now, O Muses dat dwell on Olympus, whoz wuz tha straight-up original gangsta o' tha Argives ta bear away blood-stained spoils afta Neptune lord o' tha earthquake had turned tha fortune o' war fo' realz. Ajax lil hustla o' Telamon wuz first ta wound Hyrtius lil hustla o' Gyrtius, captain o' tha staunch Mysians fo' realz. Antilochus capped Phalces n' Mermerus, while Meriones slew Morys n' Hippotion, Teucer also capped Prothoon n' Periphetes. Da lil hustla o' Atreus then wounded Hyperenor shepherd o' his thugged-out lil' s, up in tha flank, n' tha bronze point made his wild lil' in entrails gush up as it tore up in among dem; on dis his wild lil' freakadelic game came hurryin outta his all up in tha place where dat schmoooove mutha a had been wounded, n' his wild lil' in peeps wuz closed up in darknizz fo' realz. Ajax lil hustla o' Oileus capped mo' than any other, fo' dere wuz nahh playa so fleet as tha pimpin' mutha a ta pursue flyin foes when Jove had spread panic among dem wild- mutha as.


Book 15: uh Tale o' Two KittiesEdit

But when dey flight had taken dem past tha trench n' tha set stakes, n' nuff had fallen by tha handz o' tha Danaans, tha Trojans done cooked up uh halt on reachin dey chariots, routed n' pale wit fear. Shiiit, dis aint nahh joke. Jove now woke on tha crestz o' Ida, where da thug wuz lyin wit golden-throned Juno by his side, n' startin ta his wild lil' feet da perved-out mutha a seen tha Trojans n' Achaeans, tha one thrown tha fuq into mad drama, n' tha others rollin dem pell-mell 'bfoe dem wit Mackdaddy Neptune up in dey midst yo. seen Hector lyin on tha ground wit his comrades gathered round him, gaspin fo' breaf, wanderin up in mind n' vomitin blood, fo' dat shiznit wuz not tha feeblest o' tha Achaeans whoz struck his mutha in .

Da sire o' godz n' pimps had pitizzle on him, n' looked fiercely on Juno. "ah see, Juno," holla'd he, "you mischizzle- makin trickster, dat yo' cunnin has stayed Hector from fightin n' has caused tha rout o' his host. ah be up in half uh mind ta thrash you, up in which case yo big- booty iz ghon be tha straight-up original gangsta ta reap tha fruitz o' yo' scurvy knavery. Do you not remember how tha fuq back up in tha dizzle ah had you hanged, biatch? ah fastened two anvils on ta yo' feet, n' bound yo' handz up in uh cold- lil chain o' gold which none might break, n' you hung up in mid-air among tha cloudz fo' realz. All tha godz up in Olympus wuz up in uh gangbangin' fury yo, but dey could not reach you ta set you free; when ah caught any one o' dem ah gripped his n' hurled his from tha heavenly threshold till his schmoooove came faintin down ta earf; yet even dis did not relieve mah mind from tha incessant anxiety which ah felt bout noble Herculez whom you n' Boreas had spitefully conveyed beyond tha seas ta Cos, afta subornin tha tempests; but ah rescued him, n' notwithstandin all his madness- mighty labours ah brought his back ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in ta Argos. ah would remind you o' dis dat you may learn ta leave off bein so deceitful, n' discover how tha fuq much yo iz likely ta bust by tha embraces outta which you gots come here ta trick mah dirty ."

Juno trembled as da perved-out mutha a spoke, n' holla'd, "May heaven above n' earf below be mah witnesses, wit tha wataz o' tha river Styx- n' dis iz da most thugged-out solemn oaf dat uh pimped god can take- nay, ah swear also by yo' own almighty head n' by our bridal bed- thangs ova which ah could never possibly perjure mah dirty - dat Neptune aint punishin Hector n' tha Trojans n' helpin tha Achaeans all up in any bustin o' mine; it be all o' his own mere motion cuz da thug wuz sorry ta peep tha Achaeans hard pressed at dey ships: if ah wuz advisin him, ah should tell his ta do as you bid his mutha in ."

Da sire o' godz n' pimps smiled n' answered, "If you, Juno, wuz always ta support me when we's sit up in council o' tha gods, Neptune, like it or nahh, would soon come round ta yo' n' mah way o' thinkin`. If, then, yo iz bustin lyrics tha real deal n' mean what tha fuq you say, go among tha rank n' file o' tha gods, n' tell Iris n' Apollo lord o' tha bow, dat ah wants dem- Iris, dat she may git all up in tha Achaean host n' tell Neptune ta leave off fightin n' bounce back ta tha doggy den, n' Apollo, dat he may bust Hector ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in tha fuq into battle n' give his fresh strengf; da thug will thus forget his thugged-out lil' present sufferings, n' cruize tha Achaeans back up in mad drama till dey fall among tha shipz o' Achillez lil hustla o' Peleus fo' realz. Achillez will then bust his comrade Patroclus tha fuq into battle, n' Hector will bust uh cap up in his up in front o' Ilius afta dat schmoooove mutha a has slain nuff warriors, n' among dem mah own noble lil hustla Sarn. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch fo' realz. Achillez will bust uh cap up in Hector ta avenge Patroclus, n' from dat tyme ah'ma brang it bout dat tha Achaeans shall persistently cruize tha Trojans back till dey fulfil tha counselz o' Minerva n' take Ilius. But ah'ma not stay mah anger, nor permit any god ta he`p tha Danaans till ah gots accomplished tha desire o' tha lil hustla o' Peleus, accordin ta tha promise ah made by bowin mah head on tha dizzle when Thetis touched mah knees n' besought me ta give his honour."

Juno heeded his in lyrics n' go from tha heightz o' Ida ta pimped out Olympus. Right back up in yo mutha in . Swift as tha thought o' one whose fancy carries his ova vast continents, n' da perved-out mutha a say ta his dirty , "Now ah'ma be here, or dere," n' da thug would gots all manner o' thangs- even so swiftly did Juno win her way till dat thugged-out biiiatch came ta high Olympus n' go up in among tha godz whoz wuz gathered up in tha doggy den o' Jove. When dey seen her dey all o' dem came up ta her, n' held up dey cups ta her by way o' greeting. Right back up in yo mutha in . Biatch let tha others be yo, but took tha cup offered her by ghettofab Themis, whoz wuz first ta come hustlin up ta her n' sheeit. "Juno," holla'd she, "why iz you here, biatch? an' you seem d- has yo' homeboy tha lil hustla o' Saturn been frightenin yo slick ?"

an' Juno answered, "Themis, do not ax me bout dat sheeit. Yo know what tha fuq uh proud as uh mutha a n' wack disposizzle mah homeboy has. Lead tha godz ta table, where you n' all tha immortals can hear tha wicked designs which dat schmoooove mutha a has avowed. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Many uh one, mortal n' immortal, iz ghon be angered by dem, however peaceably he may be feastin now, nahmeean?"

On dis Juno sat down, n' tha godz wuz d all up in tha doggy den o' Jove. Laughta sat on her lips but her brow wuz furrowed wit care, n' her big- booty wuz rappin up in uh rage. "Fools dat we's is," dat thugged-out biiiatch cried, "ta be thus madly mad salty wit Jove; we's keep on wantin ta go up ta his n' stay his by force or by persuasion yo, but da perved-out mutha a sits aloof n' cares fo' nahh mutha a, fo' he knows dat he iz much stronger than any other o' tha immortals. Make tha bomb, therefore, o' whatever ills he may chizzle ta bust each one o' you; Mars, ah take it, has had uh taste o' dem already, fo' his in lil hustla Ascalaphus has fallen up in battle- tha playa whom o' all others he loved most dearly n' whose daddy he owns his dirty ta be."

When dat schmoooove mutha a heard dis Mars smote his cold- two sturdy fat- thighs wit tha flat o' his hands, n' holla'd up in anger, "Do not blame me, you godz dat dwell up in heaven, if ah git all up in tha shipz o' tha Achaeans n' avenge tha dirtnap o' mah son, even though it end up in mah bein struck by Jovez lightnin n' lyin up in blood n' dust among tha corpses."

As da perved-out mutha a wuz rappin he gave ordaz ta yoke his horses Panic n' Rout, while he put on his thugged-out armour. Shiiit, dis aint nahh joke. On dis here, Jove would done been roused ta still mo' fierce n' implacable emmitizzle against tha other immortals, had not Minerva, ararmed fo' tha safety o' tha gods, sprung from her seat n' hurried outside. Right back up in yo mutha in . Biatch tore tha helmet from his head n' tha shield from his shoulders, n' dat dunkadelic hoe took tha bronze spear from his thugged-out lil' phat hand n' set it on one side; then her big- booty holla'd ta Mars, "Madman, yo iz undone; you gots ears dat hear not, or you gots lost all judgement n' understanding; gots you not heard what tha fuq Juno has holla'd on comin straight from tha presence o' Olympian Jove, biatch? Do you wish ta go all up in all kindz o' sufferin 'bfoe yo iz brought back sick n' sorry ta Olympus, afta havin caused infinite mischizzle ta all our es others, biatch? Jove would instantly leave tha Trojans n' Achaeans ta theyselves; da thug would come ta Olympus ta punish us, n' would grip our es up one afta another, guilty or not guilty. Therefore lay aside yo' anger fo' tha dirtnap o' yo' son; betta pimps than dat schmoooove mutha a gots either been capped already or will fall hereafter, n' one cannot protect every last mutha in onez whole crew."

Wif deez lyrics dat dunkadelic hoe took Mars back ta his seat. Meanwhile, Juno called Apollo outside, wit Iris tha messenger o' tha gods. "Jove," her big- booty holla'd ta dem, "desires you ta git all up in his at once on Mt. Ida; when you gots peeped his yo iz ta do as he may then bid you, biatch."

Thereon Juno left dem n' resumed her seat inside, while Iris n' Apollo made all haste on dey way. When dey reached many-fountained Ida, mutha o' wild beasts, dey found Jove seated on topmost Gargarus wit uh gangbangin' fragrant cloud encirclin his head as wit uh gangbangin' finger-lickin' diadem. dey stood 'bfoe his thugged-out lil' presence, n' da thug wuz pleased wit dem fo' havin been so quick up in obeyin tha ordaz his hoe had given dem wild- mutha as.

 wuz rappin ta Iris first. "Go," holla'd he, "fleet Iris, tell Mackdaddy Neptune what tha fuq ah now bid you- n' tell his  true. Bid his  leave off fighting, n' either join tha company o' tha gods, or go down tha fuq into tha sea. If tha pimpin' mutha a takes nahh heed n' disobeys me, let his  consider well whether he iz phat enough ta hold his own against me if ah battle his mutha in . ah be olda n' much stronger than he iz; yet he aint afraid ta set his dirty  up as on uh level wit mah dirty , o' whom all tha other godz stand up in awe."

Iris, fleet as tha wind, obeyed him, n' as tha cold hail or snowflakes dat fly from up tha cloudz 'bfoe tha blast o' Boreas, even so did dat biiiiatch win her way till dat thugged-out biiiatch came close up ta tha pimped out shaker o' tha earf. Then her big- booty holla'd, "ah gots come, O dark-haired mackdaddy dat holdz tha ghetto up in his wild lil' in embrace, ta brang you uh message from Jove yo. bidz you leave off fighting, n' either join tha company o' tha godz or go down tha fuq into tha sea; if, however, you take nahh heed n' disobey him, da perved-out mutha a say da thug will come down here n' fight you, biatch yo. would gots you keep outta his bangin reach, fo' he iz olda n' much stronger than yo iz, n' yet yo aint afraid ta set yo up as on uh level wit his dirty , o' whom all tha other godz stand up in awe."

Neptune wuz straight-up mad salty n' holla'd, "Great heavens mutha a! phat as Jove may be, dat schmoooove mutha a has holla'd mo' than his schmoooove can do if dat schmoooove mutha a has threatened shiznit against me, whoz be o' like honour wit his dirty . Us thugs wuz three brothers whom Rhea bore ta Saturn- Jove, mah dirty , n' Hades whoz rulez tha ghetto below yo. Heaven n' earf wuz divided tha fuq into three parts, n' each o' our es wuz ta gots uh equal share. When we's cast lots, it fell tha fuq ta me ta gots mah dwellin up in tha sea fo' evermore; Hades took tha darknizz o' tha realms under tha earf, while air n' sky n' cloudz wuz tha portion dat fell tha fuq ta Jove; but earf n' pimped out Olympus iz tha common property o' all. Therefore ah'ma not strutt as Jove would gots mah dirty . fo' all his strengf, let his keep ta his own third share n' be contented without threatenin ta lay handz upon me as though ah wuz nahh mutha a. Let his keep his braggin rap fo' his own lil playas n' daughters, whoz mus' perforce obey his mutha in .

Iris fleet as tha wind then answered, "be ah straight-up, Neptune, ta take dis darin n' unyieldin message ta Jove, or will you reconsider yo' answer, biatch? Sensible playas iz open ta argument, n' you know dat tha Erinyes always range theyselves on tha side o' tha olda ."

Neptune answered, "Goddess Iris, yo' lyrics done been spoken up in season. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. Well shiiiit, it iz well when uh messenger shows so much discretion. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. Nevertheless, it cuts me ta tha straight-up dat any one should rebuke so angrily another whoz iz his own peer, n' o' like empire wit his dirty . Now, however, ah'ma give way up in spite o' mah displeasure; furthermore let me rap, n' ah mean what tha fuq ah say- if contrary ta tha desire o' mah dirty, Minerva driver o' tha spoil, Juno, Mercury, n' Mackdaddy Vulcan, Jove spares steep Ilius, n' aint gonna let tha Achaeans gots tha pimped out triumph o' sackin it, let his KNOW dat da thug will incur our implacable resentment."

Neptune now left tha field ta go down under tha sea, n' sorely did tha Achaeans miss his mutha in . Then Jove holla'd ta Apollo, "Go, dear Phoebus, ta Hector, fo' Neptune whoz holdz tha earf up in his wild lil' in embrace has now gone down under tha sea ta stay tha fuq away from tha severitizzle o' mah displeasure yo. Had he not done so dem godz whoz iz below wit Saturn would gots come ta hear o' tha fight between us. Well shiiiit, it iz betta fo' bof o' our es dat da perved-out mutha a should gots curbed his thugged-out anger n' kept outta mah reach, fo' ah should gots had much shiznit wit his mutha in . Take, then, yo' telled aegis, n' shake it furiously, so as ta set tha Achaean heroes up in uh panic; take, moreover, brave Hector, O Far-Darter, tha fuq into yo' own care, n' rouse his ta deedz o' daring, till tha Achaeans iz busted flyin back ta dey ships n' ta tha Hellespont. From dat point ah'ma be thinkin it well ova, how tha fuq tha Achaeans may gotz uh respite from dey s."

Apollo obeyed his wild lil' fatherz sayin`, n' left tha crestz o' Ida, flyin like uh gangbangin' falcon, bane o' doves n' swiftest o' all birdz yo. found Hector nahh longer lyin upon tha ground yo, but chillin up, fo' dat schmoooove mutha a had just come ta his dirty ag'in. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch yo. knew dem playas whoz wuz bout him, n' tha sweat n' hard breathang had left his from tha moment when tha will o' aegis-bearin Jove had revived his mutha in fo' realz. Apollo stood beside his n' holla'd, "Hector, lil hustla o' Priam, why iz you so faint, n' why iz you here away from tha others, biatch? Has any mishap befallen yo slick ?"

Hector up in uh weak voice answered, "an' which, kind , o' tha godz iz you, whoz now ax me thus, biatch? Do you not know dat Ajax struck me on tha chest wit uh stone as ah wuz cappin' his comrades all up in tha shipz o' tha Achaeans, n' compelled mah madness ta leave off fighting, biatch? ah made shizzle dat dis straight-up dizzle ah should breathe mah last n' go down tha fuq into tha doggy den o' Hades."

Then Mackdaddy Apollo holla'd ta him, "Take heart; tha lil hustla o' Saturn has busted you uh mighty helper from Ida ta stand by you n' defend you, even me, Phoebus Apollo o' tha golden sword, whoz done been guardian hitherto not only o' yo but o' yo' hood. Now, therefore, order yo' horsemen ta cruize dey chariots ta tha ships up in pimped out multitudes. ah'ma go 'bfoe yo' horses ta smoof tha way fo' dem, n' will turn tha Achaeans up in flight."

As da perved-out mutha a wuz rappin he infused pimped out strengf tha fuq into tha shepherd o' his thugged-out lil' playas fo' realz. an' as uh horse, stabled n' full-fed, breaks loose n' gallops gloriously ova tha plain ta tha place where he be aint gonna ta take his baf up in tha river- tha pimpin' mutha a tosses his head, n' his madness- mane streams ova his shouldaz as up in all tha pride o' his strengf he flies full speed ta tha pastures where tha mares iz feeding- even so Hector, when dat schmoooove mutha a heard what tha fuq tha god holla'd, urged his horsemen on, n' sped forward as fast as his in limbs could take his mutha in fo' realz. As ghetto peasants set dey houndz on ta uh homed stag or wild goat- dat schmoooove mutha a has taken shelta under rock or thicket, n' dey cannot find his yo, but, lo, uh funky- bearded lion whom dey shouts gots roused standz up in dey paf, n' dey iz up in nahh further humour fo' tha chase- even so tha Achaeans wuz still chargin on up in uh funky- body, rockin dey swordz n' spears pointed at bof endz yo, but when dey seen Hector goin bout among his madness- pimps dey wuz afraid, n' dey hearts fell tha fuq down tha fuq into dey Nikes.

Then wuz rappin Thoas lil hustla o' Andraemon, leader o' tha Aetolians, uh playa whoz could throw uh phat throw, n' whoz wuz staunch also up in close fight, while few could surp his up in rap battle when opinions wuz divided. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! then wit all sinceritizzle n' goodwill addressed dem thus: "What, up in heavenz name, do ah now see, biatch? iz it not Hector come ta game ag'in, biatch? Every one made shizzle dat schmoooove mutha a had been capped by Ajax lil hustla o' Telamon yo, but it seems dat one o' tha godz has ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in rescued his mutha in yo. has capped nuff o' our es Danaans already, n' ah take it will yet do so, fo' tha hand o' Jove mus' be wit his or da thug would never dare show his dirty so masterful up in tha forefront o' tha battle. Now, therefore, let our es all do as ah say; let our es order tha main body o' our forces ta fall back upon tha ships yo, but let dem o' our es whoz profess ta be tha flower o' tha army stand firm, n' peep whether we's cannot hold Hector back all up in tha deal wit our spears as soon as his schmoooove comes near us; ah conceive dat da thug will then be thinkin betta o' it 'bfoe tha pimpin' mutha a tries ta charge tha fuq into tha press o' tha Danaans."

Thus did da perved-out mutha a speak, n' dey did even as dat schmoooove mutha a had holla'd. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Those whoz wuz bout Ajax n' Mackdaddy Idomeneus, tha followers moreover o' Teucer, Meriones, n' Meges peer o' Mars called all dey dopest pimps bout dem n' sustained tha fight against Hector n' tha Trojans yo, but tha main body fell tha fuq back upon tha shipz o' tha Achaeans.

Da Trojans pressed forward up in uh thugged-out dense body, wit Hector stridin on at dey head. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! 'bfoe his go Phoebus Apollo shrouded up in cloud bout his shouldaz yo. bore aloft tha ty aegis wit its shaggy fringe, which Vulcan tha smif had given Jove ta strike terror tha fuq into tha heartz o' s. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. Wif dis up in his hand dat schmoooove mutha a hustled on tha Trojans.

Da Argives held together n' stood dey ground. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Da cry o' battle rose high from either side, n' tha arrows flew from tha bowstrings. Many uh spear sped from phat handz n' fastened up in tha bodiez o' nuff uh valiant warrior, while others fell tha fuq ta earf midway, 'bfoe dey could taste o' manz fair flesh n' glut theyselves wit blood. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! ah be fly as uh gangbangin' falcon, soarin all up in tha sky dawwwwg! So long as Phoebus Apollo held his thugged-out aegis on tha in' down-lowly n' without bobbin it, tha weapons on either side took effect n' tha playas fell yo, but when da perved-out mutha a shook it straight up in tha grill o' tha Danaans n' raised his madness- mighty battle-cry dey hearts fainted within dem n' dey forgot dey forma prowess fo' realz. As when two wild beasts sprang up in tha dead o' night on uh herd o' cattle or uh big- flock o' sheep when tha herdsman aint dere- even so wuz tha Danaans struck helpless, fo' Apollo filled dem wit panic n' gave victory ta Hector n' tha Trojans.

Da fight then became mo' scattered n' dey capped one another where dey dopest could. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Hector capped Stichius n' Arcesilaus, tha one, leader o' tha Boeotians, n' tha other, playa n' comrade o' Menestheus fo' realz. Aeneas capped Medon n' Iasus. Da first wuz bastard lil hustla ta Oileus, n' brutha ta Ajax yo, but he lived up in Phylace away from his own ghetto, fo' dat schmoooove mutha a had capped uh thugged-out, uh kinsman o' his stepmutha Eriopis whom Oileus had married. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Iasus had become uh leader o' tha Athenians, n' wuz lil hustla o' Sphelus tha lil hustla o' Boucolos. Polydamas capped Mecisteus, n' Polites Echius, up in tha front o' tha battle, while Agenor slew Clonius. Paris struck Deiochus from behind up in tha lower part o' tha shoulder, as da thug wuz flyin among tha foremost, n' tha deal wit tha spear go clean all up in his mutha in .

While dey wuz spoilin deez heroez o' dey armour, tha Achaeans wuz flyin pellmell ta tha trench n' tha set stakes, n' wuz forced back within dey wall yo. Hector then cried up ta tha Trojans, "Forward ta tha ships, n' let tha spoils be. If ah peep any playa keepin back on tha other side tha wall away from tha ships ah'ma gots his capped: his kinsmen n' kinswomen shall not give his his in lil' duez o' fire yo, but dawgs shall tear his up in pieces up in front o' our hood."

As da perved-out mutha a wuz rappin he laid his whip bout his horses' shouldaz n' called ta tha Trojans all up in dey ranks; tha Trojans shouted wit uh cold- lil cry dat rent tha air, n' kept dey horses neck n' neck wit his own. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. Phoebus Apollo go 'bfoe, n' kicked down tha bankz o' tha deep trench tha fuq into its middle so as ta cook up uh pimped out broad bridge, as broad as tha throw o' uh spear when uh playa iz tryin his strengf. Da Trojan battalions poured ova tha bridge, n' Apollo wit his bangin redoubtable aegis hustled tha way yo. kicked down tha wall o' tha Achaeans as easily as uh cold- lil lil pimp whoz playin on tha sea-shore has built uh doggy den o' sand n' then kicks it down ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in n' destroys it- even so did you, O Apollo, shed toil n' shiznit upon tha Argives, fillin dem wit panic n' mad drama.

Thus then wuz tha Achaeans hemmed up in at dey ships, callin up ta one another n' raisin dey handz wit bangin cries every last mutha in playa ta heaven. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. Nestor o' Gerene, tower o' strengf ta tha Achaeans, lifted up his handz ta tha starry firmament o' heaven, n' prayed mo' fervently than any o' dem wild- mutha as. "Father Jove," holla'd he, "if eva any one up in wheat-growin Argos burned you fat thigh-bonez o' sheep or heifer n' prayed dat he might return safely home, whereon you bowed yo' head ta his up in ent, bear it up in mind now, n' suffer not tha Trojans ta triumph thus ova tha Achaeans."

All counpimpin Jove thundered loudly up in answer ta take uh thugged-out dirtnap prayer o' tha aged lil hustla o' Neleus. When tha heard Jove thunder dey flung theyselves yet mo' fiercely on tha Achaeans fo' realz. As uh wave breakin ova tha bulwarkz o' uh gangbangin' finger-lickin' dirty- shizzle when tha sea runs high 'bfoe uh gale- fo' it iz tha force o' tha wind dat make tha waves so pimped out- even so did tha Trojans sprang ova tha wall wit uh gangbangin' finger-lickin' dirty- shout, n' cruize dey chariots onwards. Da two sides fought wit dey double-pointed spears up in hand-ta-hand encounter-da Trojans from dey chariots, n' tha Achaeans climbin up tha fuq into dey ships n' wieldin tha long pikes dat wuz lyin on tha decks locked n loaded fo' use up in uh sea-fight, jointed n' shod wit bronze.

Now Patroclus, so long as tha Achaeans n' Trojans wuz fightin bout tha wall yo, but wuz not yet within it n' all up in tha ships, remained chillin up in tha tent o' phat Eurypylus, entertainin his wit his conversation n' spreadin herbs ova his wound ta ease his thugged-out lil' pain. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. When, however, da perved-out mutha a seen tha Trojans swarmin all up in tha breach up in tha wall, while tha Achaeans wuz clamourin n' struck wit panic, his schmoooove cried aloud, n' smote his cold- two fat- thighs wit tha flat o' his hands. "Eurypylus," holla'd he up in his in lil' dismay, "ah know you wants me badly yo, but ah cannot stay wit you any longer, fo' dere iz hard fightin goin on; uh servant shall take care o' y'all now, fo' ah mus' make all speed ta Achilles, n' induce his ta fight if ah can; whoz knows but wit heavenz he`p ah may persuade his mutha in fo' realz. uh playa do well ta dig tha lyrics o' uh gangbangin' playa."

When dat schmoooove mutha a had thus spoken da thug go his way. Da Achaeans stood firm n' resisted tha battle o' tha Trojans, yet though deez wuz fewer up in number, dey could not cruize dem back from tha ships, neither could tha Trojans break tha Achaean ranks n' make dey way up in among tha tents n' ships fo' realz. As uh cold- lil carpenterz line gives uh legit edge ta uh piece o' shipz timber, up in tha hand o' some skilled workman whom Minerva has instructed up in all kindz o' useful arts- even so level wuz tha issue o' tha fight between tha two sides, as dey fought some round one n' some round another.

Hector made straight fo' Ajax, n' tha two fought fiercely bout tha same shizzle yo. Hector could not force Ajax back n' fire tha ship, nor yet could Ajax cruize Hector from tha spot ta which heaven had brought his mutha in .

Then Ajax struck Caletor lil hustla o' Clytius up in tha chest wit uh spear as da thug wuz brangin fire towardz tha shizzle yo. fell tha fuq heavily ta tha ground n' tha torch dropped from his hand. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! When Hector seen his cousin fallen up in front o' tha shizzle da perved-out mutha a shouted ta tha Trojans n' Lycians sayin`, "Trojans, Lycians, n' Dardanians phat up in close fight, bate not uh jot yo, but rescue tha lil hustla o' Clytius lest tha Achaeans strip his o' his thugged-out armour now dat dat schmoooove mutha a has fallen."

 then aimed uh spear at Ajax, n' missed his  yo, but dat schmoooove mutha a hit Lycophron uh gangbangin' follower o' Ajax, whoz  came from Cythera yo, but wuz livin wit Ajax inasmuch as dat schmoooove mutha a had capped uh playa among tha Cythereans yo. Hectorz spear struck his  on tha head below tha ear, n' he fell tha fuq headlong from tha shipz prow on ta tha ground wit nahh game left up in his mutha in  fo' realz. Ajax shook wit rage n' holla'd ta his brudda, "Teucer, mah phat fellow, our trusty comrade tha lil hustla o' Mastor has fallen, his schmoooove  came ta live wit our es from Cythera n' whom our madness es honoured as much as our own muthafathas yo. Hector has just capped him; fetch yo' deadly arrows at once n' tha bow which Phoebus Apollo gave you, biatch."

Teucer heard his n' hastened towardz his wit his bow n' quiver up in his hands. Forthwif da perved-out mutha a showered his thugged-out arrows on tha Trojans, n' hit Cleitus tha lil hustla o' Pisenor, comrade o' Polydamas tha noble lil hustla o' Panthous, wit tha reins up in his handz as da thug wuz attendin ta his horses; da thug wuz up in tha middle o' tha straight-up thickest part o' tha fight, bustin phat steez ta Hector n' tha Trojans yo, but evil had now come upon him, n' not one o' dem playas whoz wuz fain ta do so could avert it, fo' tha arrow struck his on tha back o' tha neck yo. fell tha fuq from his chariot n' his horses shook tha empty hoopty as dey swerved aside. Mackdaddy Polydamas seen what tha fuq had happened, n' wuz tha straight-up original gangsta ta come up ta tha horses; he gave dem up in charge ta Astynous lil hustla o' Protiaon, n' ordered his ta peep on, n' ta keep tha horses near at hand. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! then go back n' took his thugged-out lil' place up in tha front ranks.

Teucer then aimed another arrow at Hector, n' dere would done been nahh mo' fightin all up in tha ships if dat schmoooove mutha a had hit his n' capped his then n' dere: Jove, however, whoz kept peep ova Hector, had his wild lil' in peeps on Teucer, n' deprived his o' his cold- triumph, by breakin his bowstrin fo' his just as da thug wuz drawin it n' bout ta take his thugged-out aim; on dis tha arrow go astray n' tha bow fell tha fuq from his hands. Teucer shook wit anger n' holla'd ta his brudda, "Alas, peep how tha fuq heaven thwarts our es up in all our phat es do; it has ed up mah bowstrin n' snatched tha bow from mah hand, though ah strung it dis selfsame mornin dat it might serve me fo' nuff uh arrow."

Ajax lil hustla o' Telamon answered, "muh motha in in phat fellow, let yo' bow n' yo' arrows be, fo' Jove has made dem useless up in order ta spite tha Danaans. Take yo' spear, lay yo' shield upon yo' shoulder, n' bof fight tha Trojans yo n' urge others ta do so. dey may be successful fo' tha moment but if we's fight as we's ought dey will find it uh hard matta ta take tha ships."

Teucer then took his bow n' put it by up in his cold- tent yo. hung uh gangbangin' finger-lickin' dirty- shield four hides thick bout his shoulders, n' on his comely head da perved-out mutha a set his helmet well wrought wit uh cold- lil crest o' horse-fro dat nodded menacingly above it; he grasped his bangin redoubtable bronze-shod spear, n' forthwif da thug wuz by tha side o' Ajax.

When Hector seen dat Teucerz bow waz o' nahh mo' use ta him, da perved-out mutha a shouted up ta tha Trojans n' Lycians, "Trojans, Lycians, n' Dardanians phat up in close fight, be s, mah playas, n' show yo' mettle here all up in tha ships, fo' ah peep tha weapon o' one o' dey chizzletains made useless by tha hand o' Jove. Well shiiiit, it iz easy as fuq ta peep when Jove iz helpin playas n' means ta he`p dem still further, or ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in when he iz brangin dem down n' will do not uh god damn thang fo' dem; he iz now on our side, n' iz goin against tha Argives. Therefore swarm round tha ships n' fight. If any o' y'all iz struck by spear or sword n' loses his wild lil' freakadelic game, let his die; he takes uh thugged-out dirt nap wit honour whoz takes uh thugged-out dirt nap fightin fo' his ghetto; n' da thug will leave his hoe n' lil pimps safe behind him, wit his in lil' doggy den n' allotment unplundered if only tha Achaeans can be driven back ta dey own land, dey n' dey ships."

Wif deez lyrics he put n' tha fuq into dem all fo' realz. Ajax on tha other side exhorted his comrades sayin`, "Shame on you Argives, we's iz now utterly undone, unless we's can save ourselves by rollin tha enemy from our ships. Do you think, if Hector takes dem, dat yo big- booty iz ghon be able ta git home by land, biatch? Yo betta not hear his cheerin on his whole host ta fire our fleet, n' biddin dem remember dat dey aint at uh thugged-out dizzle but up in battle, biatch? Our only course iz ta fight dem wit might n' main; our madness es had betta chizzle it, game or dirtnap, once fo' all, than fight long n' without issue hemmed up in at our ships by worse pimps than ourselves."

Wif deez lyrics he put game n' tha fuq into dem all yo. Hector then capped Schedius lil hustla o' Perimedes, leader o' tha Phoceans, n' Ajax capped Laodamas captain o' foot soldiers n' lil hustla ta Antenor. Shiiit, dis aint nahh joke. Polydamas capped Otuz o' Cyllene uh cold- lil comrade o' tha lil hustla o' Phyleus n' chizzle o' tha proud as uh mutha a Epeans. When Meges seen dis da perved-out mutha a sprang upon his yo, but Polydamas crouched down, n' he missed him, fo' Apollo would not suffer tha lil hustla o' Panthous ta fall up in battle; but tha spear hit Croesmus up in tha middle o' his chest, whereon he fell tha fuq heavily ta tha ground, n' Meges stripped his o' his thugged-out armour fo' realz. At dat moment tha valiant soldier Dolops lil hustla o' Lampus sprang upon Lampus wuz lil hustla o' Laomedon n' fo' his valour, while his in lil hustla Dolops wuz versed up in all tha wayz o' war yo. then struck tha middle o' tha lil hustla o' Phyleus' shield wit his spear, settin on his at close quartas yo, but his wild lil' freakadelic phat corslet made wit platez o' metal saved him; Phyleus had brought it from Ephyra n' tha river Selleis, where his host, Mackdaddy Euphetes, had given it his ta wear up in battle n' protect his mutha in . Well shiiiit, it now served ta save tha game o' his son. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. Then Meges struck tha topmost crest o' Dolopss bronze helmet wit his spear n' tore away its plume o' horse-fro, so dat all newly dyed wit scarlet as dat shiznit wuz it tumbled down tha fuq into tha dust. While da thug wuz still fightin n' Kool & Tha Gang o' victory, Menelaus came up ta he`p Meges, n' gots by tha side o' Dolops unperceived; tha pimpin' mutha a then speared his up in tha shoulder, from behind, n' tha point, driven so furiously, go all up in tha fuq into his chest, whereon he fell tha fuq headlong. Da two then made towardz his ta strip his o' his thugged-out armour yo, but Hector called on all his brothers fo' he`p, n' he especially upbraided brave Melanippus lil hustla o' Hiketaon, whoz erewhile used ta pasture his herdz o' cattle up in Percote 'bfoe tha war broke out; but when tha shipz o' tha Danaans came, da thug go back ta Ilius, where da thug wuz eminent among tha Trojans, n' lived near Priam whoz treated his as one o' his own lil playas yo. Hector now rebuked his n' holla'd, "Why, Melanippus, iz we's thus remiss, biatch? do you take nahh note o' tha dirtnap o' yo' kinsman, n' do you not peep how tha fuq dey iz tryin ta take Dolopss armour, biatch? Big up me; dere mus' be nahh fightin tha Argives from uh gangbangin' finger-lickin' distizzle now yo, but we's mus' do so up in close combat till either we's bust uh cap up in dem or dey take tha high wall o' Ilius n' slay her s."

 hustled on as da perved-out mutha a spoke, n' tha pimp Melanippus followed afta n' sheeit. Meanwhile, Ajax lil hustla o' Telamon wuz cheerin on tha Argives. "muh motha  in  in playas," his schmoooove  cried, "be  s, n' fear dishonour; quit yourselves up in battle so as ta win respect from one another n' sheeit.  s whoz  respect each otherz phat opinion iz less likely ta be capped than dem playas whoz  do not yo, but up in flight dere iz neither bust nor glory."

Thus did he exhort pimps whoz wuz already bent upon rollin back tha Trojans. dey laid his in lyrics ta n' hedged tha ships as wit uh wall o' bronze, while Jove urged on tha Trojans. Menelauz o' tha bangin battle-cry urged Antilochus on. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. "Antilochus," holla'd he, "yo iz lil' n' dere iz none o' tha Achaeans mo' fleet o' foot or mo' valiant than yo iz. Right back up in yo mutha in . See if you cannot sprang upon some Trojan n' bust uh cap up in his mutha in ."

 hurried away when dat schmoooove mutha a had thus spurred Antilochus, whoz  at once darted up from tha front ranks n' aimed uh spear, afta lookin carefully round his mutha in . Da Trojans fell tha fuq back as tha pimpin' mutha a threw, n' tha dart did not speed from his hand without effect, fo' it struck Melanippus tha proud as uh mutha a lil hustla o' Hiketaon up in tha tittie by tha nipple as da thug wuz comin forward, n' his thugged-out armour rang rattlin round his  as he fell tha fuq heavily ta tha ground. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Antilochus sprang upon his  as uh thugged-out dawg springs on uh gangbangin' fawn which uh hunta has hit as dat shiznit wuz breakin away from its covert, n' capped dat sheeit. Even so, O Melanippus, did stalwart Antilochus sprang upon you ta strip you o' yo' armour; but noble Hector marked him, n' came hustlin up ta his  all up in tha thick o' tha battle fo' realz. Antilochus, brave soldier though da thug wuz, would not stay ta grill his  yo, but fled like some savage creature which knows it has done wrong, n' flies, when it has capped uh thugged-out dawg or uh playa whoz  iz herdin his cattle, 'bfoe uh funky- body o' pimps can be gathered ta battle dat sheeit. Even so, did tha lil hustla o' Nestor fly, n' tha Trojans n' Hector wit uh cold- lil cry dat rent tha air showered dey weapons afta him; nor did tha pimpin' mutha a turn round n' stay his wild lil' flight till dat schmoooove mutha a had reached his comrades.

Da Trojans, fierce as lions, wuz still rushin on towardz tha ships up in fulfilment o' tha behestz o' Jove whoz kept spurrin dem on ta freshly smoked up deedz o' daring, while da ruffneck deadened tha courage o' tha Argives n' defeated dem by encouragin tha Trojans. fo' he meant givin glory ta Hector lil hustla o' Priam, n' lettin his throw fire upon tha ships, till dat schmoooove mutha a had fulfilled tha unrighteous prayer dat Thetis had made him; Jove, therefore, bided his cold- tyme till da perved-out mutha a should peep tha glare o' uh funky- blazin ship. From dat minute da thug wuz bout so ta order dat tha Trojans should be driven back from tha ships n' ta vouchsafe glory ta tha Achaeans. Wif dis purpose he inspired Hector lil hustla o' Priam, whoz wuz cager enough already, ta ail tha ships yo. His fury wuz as dat o' Mars, or as when uh gangbangin' fire iz ragin up in tha gladez o' some dense forest upon tha mountains; he foamed all up in tha grill, his wild lil' in peeps glared under his ty eyebrows, n' his helmet quivered on his cold- templez by reason o' tha fury wit which he fought. Jove from heaven wuz wit him, n' though da thug wuz but one against many, vouchsafed his victory n' glory; fo' da thug wuz doomed ta uh early dirtnap, n' already Pallas Minerva wuz hurryin on tha minute o' his in lil' destruction all up in tha handz o' tha lil hustla o' Peleus. Now, however, he kept tryin ta break tha rankz o' tha enemy wherever his schmoooove could peep dem thickest, n' up in tha goodliest armour; but do what tha fuq he might his schmoooove could not break all up in dem, fo' dey stood as uh tower foursquare, or as some high cliff risin from tha grey sea dat braves tha anger o' tha gale, n' o' tha waves dat thunder up against it yo. fell tha fuq upon dem like flamez o' fire from every last mutha in quarter n' shiznit fo' realz. As when uh wave, raised mountain high by wind n' storm, breaks ova uh gangbangin' finger-lickin' dirty- shizzle n' covers it deep up in foam, tha fierce windz roar against tha mast, tha heartz o' tha sailors fail dem fo' fear, n' dey iz saved but by uh straight-up lil from destruction- even so wuz tha heartz o' tha Achaeans faintin within dem wild- mutha as. Or as uh savage lion comin' at uh herd o' cows while dey iz feedin by thousandz up in tha low-lyin meadows by some wide-watered shore- tha herdsman be at his witz end how tha fuq ta protect his herd n' keeps goin bout now up in tha van n' now up in tha rear o' his cattle, while tha lion springs tha fuq into tha thick o' dem n' fastens on uh cold- lil cow so dat dey all tremble fo' fear- even so wuz tha Achaeans utterly panic-stricken by Hector n' daddy Jove. Nevertheless, Hector only capped Periphetez o' Mycenae; da thug wuz lil hustla o' Copreus whoz wuz aint gonna ta take tha ordaz o' Mackdaddy Eurystheus ta mighty Herculez yo, but tha lil hustla wuz uh gangbangin' far betta playa than tha daddy up in every last mutha in way; da thug wuz fleet o' foot, uh valiant warrior, n' up in understandin ranked among tha foremost pimpz o' Mycenae yo. dat shiznit wuz whoz then afforded Hector uh triumph, fo' as da thug wuz turnin back da perved-out mutha a stumbled against tha rim o' his shield which reached his wild lil' feet, n' served ta keep tha javelins off his mutha in yo. tripped against dis n' fell tha fuq grill upward, his helmet ringin loudly bout his head as da ruffneck did so yo. Hector seen his fall n' ran up ta him; tha pimpin' mutha a then thrust uh spear tha fuq into his chest, n' capped his close ta his own comrades. deez, fo' all dey sorrow, could not he`p his fo' dey wuz theyselves terribly afraid o' Hector.

dey had now reached tha ships n' tha prowz o' dem dat had been drawn up first wuz on every last mutha in side o' dem yo, but tha Trojans came pourin afta dem wild- mutha as. Da Argives wuz driven back from tha straight-up original gangsta row o' ships yo, but dey done cooked up uh stand by dey tents without bein ed up n' scattered; shame n' fear restrained dem wild- mutha as. dey kept shoutin incessantly ta one another, n' Nestor o' Gerene, tower o' strengf ta tha Achaeans, wuz loudest up in implorin every last mutha in playa by his thugged-out lil' muthafathas, n' beseechin his ta stand firm.

"Be s, mah playas," his schmoooove cried, "an' respect one anotherz phat opinion. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. Think, all o' you, on yo' chil'ns, yo' wives, yo' property, n' yo' muthafathas whether deez be kickin it or dead as in fried chickn n` corn bread. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. On dey behalf though dey aint here, ah implore you ta stand firm, n' not ta turn up in flight."

Wif deez lyrics he put n' tha fuq into dem all. Minerva lifted tha thick veil o' darknizz from dey peeps, n' much light fell tha fuq upon dem, alike on tha side o' tha ships n' on dat where tha fight wuz raging. dey could peep Hector n' all his madness- s, bof dem up in tha rear whoz wuz takin nahh part up in tha battle, n' dem playas whoz wuz fightin by tha ships.

Ajax could not brang his dirty ta retreat along wit tha rest yo, but strode from deck ta deck wit uh pimped out sea-pike up in his handz twelve cubits long n' jointed wit rings fo' realz. As uh playa skilled up in featz o' horsemanshizzle couplez four horses together n' comes tearin full speed along tha hood way from tha ghetto tha fuq into some big- hood- nuff bof pimps n' dem hoes marvel as dey peep his fo' he keeps all tha tyme changin his horse, springin from one ta another without eva missin his wild lil' feet while tha horses iz at uh gallop- even so did Ajax go stridin from one shipz deck ta another, n' his voice go up tha fuq into tha heavens yo. kept on shoutin his ordaz ta tha Danaans n' exhortin dem ta defend dey ships n' tents; neither did Hector remain within tha main body o' tha Trojan warriors yo, but as uh thugged-out dun eagle swoops down upon uh gangbangin' flock o' wild-fowl feedin near uh river-geese, it may be, or cranes, or long-necked swans- even so did Hector make straight fo' uh thugged-out dark-prowed ship, rushin right towardz it; fo' Jove wit his madness- mighty hand impelled his forward, n' roused his thugged-out lil' playas ta follow his mutha in .

an' now tha battle ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in raged furiously all up in tha ships. Yo would gots thought tha pimps wuz comin on fresh n' unwearied, so fiercely did dey fight; n' dis wuz tha mind up in which dey wuz- tha Achaeans did not believe dey should escape destruction but thought theyselves doomed, while dere wuz not uh Trojan but his thugged-out beat high wit tha hope o' firin tha ships n' puttin tha Achaean heroes ta tha sword.

Thus wuz tha two sides minded. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Then Hector seized tha stern o' tha phat shizzle dat had brought Protesilaus ta Troy yo, but never bore his back ta his natizzle land. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Round dis shizzle dere raged uh cold- lil close hand-ta-hand fight between Danaans n' Trojans. dey did not fight at uh gangbangin' finger-lickin' distizzle wit bows n' javelins yo, but wit one mind jacked at one another up in close combat wit dey mighty swordz n' spears pointed at bof ends; dey fought moreover wit keen battle-axes n' wit hatchets, n' you can put dat on yo' toast. Many uh phat stout blade hilted n' scabbarded wit iron, fell tha fuq from hand or shoulder as dey fought, n' tha earf ran red wit blood. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! ah be fly as uh gangbangin' falcon, soarin all up in tha sky dawwwwg! Hector, when dat schmoooove mutha a had seized tha ship, would not loose his hold but held on ta its curved stern n' shouted ta tha Trojans, "Brin fire, n' raise tha battle-cry all o' y'all wit uh single voice. Now has Jove vouchsafed our es uh thugged-out dizzle dat will pay our es fo' all tha rest; dis dizzle we's shall take tha ships which came hither against heavenz will, n' which gots caused our es such infinite sufferin all up in tha cowardice o' our councillors, whoz when ah would gots done battle all up in tha ships held mah madness back n' forbade tha host ta gangbang me; if Jove did then indeed warp our judgements, his dirty now commandz me n' cheers me on."

As da perved-out mutha a wuz rappin thus tha Trojans sprang yet mo' fiercely on tha Achaeans, n' Ajax nahh longer held his wild lil' freakadelic ground, fo' da thug wuz overcome by tha darts dat wuz flung at him, n' made shizzle dat da thug wuz doomed. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Therefore, he left tha raised deck all up in tha stern, n' stepped back on ta tha seven-foot bench o' tha oarsmen. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch yo. Here da perved-out mutha a stood on tha peep-out, n' wit his spear held back Trojan whom da perved-out mutha a seen brangin fire ta tha ships fo' realz. All tha tyme he kept on shoutin all up in tha top o' his voice n' exhortin tha Danaans. "muh motha in in playas," his schmoooove cried, "Danaan heroes, servantz o' Mars, be pimps mah playas, n' fight wit might n' wit main. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. Can our madness es hope ta find helpers hereafter, or uh wall ta shield our es mo' surely than tha one our madness es gots, biatch? dere iz nahh phat hood within reach, whence we's may draw fresh forces ta turn tha scalez up in our favour. Shiiit, dis aint nahh joke. we's iz on tha plain o' tha armed Trojans wit tha sea behind us, n' far from our own ghetto. Our salvation, therefore, iz up in tha might o' our handz n' up in hard fighting."

As da perved-out mutha a wuz rappin da thug wielded his spear wit still pimped outa fury, n' when any Trojan made towardz tha ships wit fire at Hectorz bidding, da thug would be on tha peep-out fo' him, n' cruize at his wit his in long spear. Shiiit, dis aint nahh joke. Twelve pimps did tha pimpin' mutha a thus bust uh cap up in in hand-ta-hand fight 'bfoe tha ships.


Book 16: Armed n' FabulousEdit

Thus did dey fight bout tha shizzle o' Protesilaus. Then Patroclus drew near ta Achillez wit tears wellin from his wild lil' in peeps, as from some sprang whose crystal stream falls ova tha ledgez o' uh high precipice. When Achillez seen his thus weepin da thug wuz sorry fo' his n' holla'd, "Why, Patroclus, do you stand dere weepin like some wack- lil pimp dat comes hustlin ta her motha, n' begs ta be taken up n' carried- dat thugged-out biiiatch catches hold o' her motherz dress ta stay her though her iz up in uh hurry, n' looks tearfully up until her mutha carries her- even such tears, Patroclus, iz you now sheddin yo. Has you done anythang ta say ta tha Myrmidons or ta mah dirty , biatch? or gots you had shizzle from Phthia which you ridin' solo know, biatch? dey tell me Menoetius lil hustla o' Playa iz still kickin it, as also Peleus lil hustla o' Aeacus, among tha Myrmidons- pimps whose loss we's two should bitterly deplore; or iz you grievin bout tha Argives n' tha way up in which dey iz bein capped all up in tha ships, throu dey own high-handed bustins, biatch? Do not hide anythang from me but tell me dat bof o' our es may know bout dat sheeit."

Then, O knight Patroclus, wit uh thugged-out deep bust uh funky- big- fart you answered, "Achilles, lil hustla o' Peleus, foremost champion o' tha Achaeans, do not be mad salty yo, but ah weep fo' tha disasta dat has now befallen tha Argives fo' realz. All dem playas whoz done been dey champions so far iz lyin all up in tha ships, wounded by sword or spear. Shiiit, dis aint nahh joke. Brave Diomed lil hustla o' Tydeus has been hit wit uh spear, while famed Ulysses n' Agamemnon gots received sword-wounds; Eurypylus ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in has been struck wit uh arrow up in tha thigh; skilled apothecaries iz attendin ta deez heroes, n' healin dem o' dey wounds; iz you still, O Achilles, so inexorable, biatch? May it never be mah lot ta nurse such uh boner as you gots done, ta tha banin o' yo' own phat name. Dum diddy-dum, here ah come biaaatch! Who tha fuq up in future rap will drop uh rhyme well o' y'all unless you now save tha Argives from ruin, biatch? Yo know nahh pity; knight Peleus wuz not yo' daddy nor Thetis yo' mutha yo, but tha grey sea bore you n' tha sheer cliffs begot you, so wack n' remorseless iz you, biatch. If however yo iz kept back all up in knowledge o' some oracle, or if yo' mutha Thetis has holla'd at you suttin' from tha grill o' Jove, at least bust me n' tha Myrmidons wit me, if ah may brang deliverizzle ta tha Danaans. Let me moreover wear yo' armour; tha Trojans may thus fuq up me fo' you n' quit tha field, so dat tha hard-pressed lil playaz o' tha Achaeans may gots breathang tyme- which while dey iz fightin may hardly be. Us thugs whoz iz fresh might soon cruize chillaxed pimps back from our ships n' tents ta dey own hood."

 knew not what tha fuq da thug wuz asking, nor dat da thug wuz suin fo' his own destruction. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch fo' realz. Achillez wuz deeply moved n' answered, "What, noble Patroclus, iz you sayin`, biatch? ah know nahh prophesyings which ah be heeding, nor has mah mutha holla'd at mah madness  anythang from tha grill o' Jove yo, but ah be cut ta tha straight-up  dat one o' mah own rank should dare ta rob me cuz he iz mo' bangin than ah be. dis here, afta all dat ah gots gone through, iz mo' than ah can endure. Da hoe whom tha lil playaz o' tha Achaeans chose fo' me, whom ah won as tha fruit o' mah spear on havin sacked uh cold- lil hood- her has Mackdaddy Agamemnon taken from me as though ah wuz some common vagrant. Right back up in yo mutha in . Still, let bygones be bygones: nahh playa may keep his thugged-out anger fo' ever; ah holla'd ah would not relent till battle n' tha cry o' war had reached mah own ships; nevertheless, now gird mah armour bout yo' shoulders, n' lead tha Myrmidons ta battle, fo' tha dark cloud o' Trojans has burst furiously ova our fleet; tha Argives iz driven back on ta tha beach, cooped within uh narrow space, n' tha whole playaz o' Troy has taken  ta sally up against dem, cuz dey peep not tha visor o' mah helmet gleamin near dem wild- mutha as yo. Had dey peeped dis here, dere would not done been uh cold- lil creek nor grip dat had not been filled wit dey dead as dey fled back ag'in. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch fo' realz. an' so it would gots been, if only Mackdaddy Agamemnon had dealt fairly by mah dirty  fo' realz. As it iz tha Trojans gots beset our host. Diomed lil hustla o' Tydeus nahh longer wieldz his spear ta defend tha Danaans, neither gots ah heard tha voice o' tha lil hustla o' Atreus comin from his hated head, whereas dat o' murderous Hector rings up in mah rides as he gives ordaz ta tha Trojans, whoz  triumph ova tha Achaeans n' fill tha whole plain wit dey cry o' battle. But even so, Patroclus, fall upon dem n' save tha fleet, lest tha Trojans fire it n' prevent our es from bein able ta return, so check it 'bfoe ya wreck it. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. Do, however, as ah now bid you, dat you may win me pimped out honour from all tha Danaans, n' dat dey may restore tha hoe ta me ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in n' give me rich gifts tha fuq into tha bargain. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. When you gots driven tha Trojans from tha ships, come back ag'in. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. Though Junoz thunderin homeboy should put triumph within yo' reach, do not fight tha Trojans further up in mah absence, or yo big- booty iz ghon rob me o' glory dat should be mine fo' realz. an' do not fo' lust o' battle go on cappin' tha Trojans nor lead tha Achaeans on ta Ilius, lest one o' tha ever-livin godz from Olympus battle you- fo' Phoebus Apollo loves dem well: return when you gots freed tha ships from peril, n' let others wage war upon tha plain. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. Would, by daddy Jove, Minerva, n' Apollo, dat not uh single playa o' all tha Trojans might be left kickin it, nor yet o' tha Argives yo, but dat we's two might be ridin' solo left ta tear aside tha mantle dat veils tha brow o' Troy."

Thus did dey converse. But Ajax could nahh longer hold his wild lil' freakadelic ground fo' tha shower o' darts dat drizzled upon him; tha will o' Jove n' tha javelinz o' tha Trojans wuz too much fo' him; tha helmet dat gleamed bout his cold- templez rang wit tha continuous clatta o' tha pistols dat kept pourin on ta it n' on ta tha cheek-pieces dat protected his wild lil' face. Mo'ova his in left shoulder wuz chillaxed wit havin held his shield so long, yet fo' all dis here, let fly at his as dey would, dey could not make his give ground. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! could hardly draw his breaf, tha sweat drizzled from every last mutha in pore o' his body, dat schmoooove mutha a had not uh momentz respite, n' on all sides da thug wuz beset by dark shiznit upon danger.

an' now, tell me, O Muses dat git freaky wit yo' mansions on Olympus, how tha fuq fire wuz thrown upon tha shipz o' tha Achaeans yo. Hector came close up n' let cruize wit his wild lil' freakadelic pimped out sword all up in tha ashen spear o' Ajax yo. cut it clean up in two just behind where tha point wuz fastened on ta tha shaft o' tha spear fo' realz. Ajax, therefore, had now not uh god damn thang but uh headless spear, while tha bronze point flew some way off n' came ringin down on ta tha ground. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Ajax knew tha hand o' heaven up in dis here, n' wuz dismayed at seein dat Jove had now left his utterly defenceless n' wuz willin victory fo' tha Trojans. Therefore da ruffneck drew back, n' tha Trojans flung fire upon tha shizzle which wuz at once wrapped up in flame.

Da fire wuz now flarin bout tha shipz stern, whereon Achillez smote his cold- two fat- thighs n' holla'd ta Patroclus, "Up, noble knight, fo' ah peep tha glare o' straight-up ty fire at our fleet; up, lest dey fuq wit our ships, n' dere be nahh way by which we's may retreat. Gird on yo' armour at once while ah page our playas together."

As da perved-out mutha a wuz rappin Patroclus put on his thugged-out armour. Shiiit, dis aint nahh joke. First he greaved his hairy- legs wit greavez o' phat make, n' fitted wit ancle-claspz o' silver; afta dis da ruffneck donned tha cuir o' tha lil hustla o' Aeacus, richly inlaid n' studded. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! hung his silver-studded sword o' bronze bout his shoulders, n' then his madness- mighty shield. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! On his comely head da perved-out mutha a set his helmet, well wrought, wit uh cold- lil crest o' horse-fro dat nodded menacingly above it yo. grasped two redoubtable spears dat suited his handz yo, but da ruffneck did not take tha spear o' noble Achilles, so stout n' strong, fo' none other o' tha Achaeans could wield it, though Achillez could do so doggystyle. dis here wuz tha ashen spear from Mount Pelion, which Chiron had cut upon uh mountain top n' had given ta Peleus, wherewif ta deal up dirtnap among heroes yo. bade Automedon yoke his horses wit all speed, fo' da thug wuz tha playa whom dat schmoooove mutha a held up in honour next afta Achilles, n' on whose support up in battle his schmoooove could rely most firmly fo' realz. Automedon therefore yoked tha fleet horses Xanthus n' Balius, steedz dat could fly like tha wind: deez wuz dey whom tha harpy Podarge bore ta tha westside wind, as dat biiiiatch wuz grazin up in uh meadow by tha wataz o' tha river Oceanus. In tha side traces da perved-out mutha a set tha noble cow Pedasus, whom Achillez had brought away wit his when da perved-out mutha a sacked tha hood o' Eetion, n' who, mortal steed though da thug wuz, could take his thugged-out lil' place along wit dem dat wuz immortal.

Meanwhile, Achillez go bout everywhere among tha tents, n' bade his Myrmidons put on dey armour. Shiiit, dis aint nahh joke. Even as fierce ravenin wolves dat iz feastin upon uh homed stag which dey gots capped upon tha mountains, n' dey jaws iz red wit blood- dey go up in uh pack ta lap wata from tha clear sprang wit dey long thin tongues; n' dey reek o' blood n' slaughter; dey know not what tha fuq fear iz, fo' it iz hunger drives dem- even so did tha leadaz n' counsellorz o' tha Myrmidons gather round tha phat squire o' tha fleet descendant o' Aeacus, n' among dem stood Achillez his dirty cheerin on bof pimps n' horses.

fiddy ships had noble Achillez brought ta Troy, n' up in each dere wuz uh cold- lil crew o' fiddy oarsmen. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. ova deez da perved-out mutha a set five captains whom his schmoooove could trust, while da thug wuz his dirty commander ova dem all. Menesthiuz o' tha gleamin corslet, lil hustla ta tha river Spercheius dat streams from heaven, wuz captain o' tha straight-up original gangsta company. Fair Polydora daughta o' Peleus bore his ta ever-flowin Spercheius- uh biatch mated wit uh god- but da thug wuz called lil hustla o' Borus lil hustla o' Perieres, wit whom his madness- mutha wuz livin as his wedded hoe, n' whoz gave pimped out wealf ta bust her n' sheeit. Da second company wuz hustled by noble Eudorus, lil hustla ta uh unwedded biatch. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. Polymele, daughta o' Phylas tha graceful dancer, bore him; tha mighty slayer o' Argos wuz enamoured o' her as da perved-out mutha a seen her among tha rappin dem hoes at uh thugged-out dizzle held up in honour o' Diana tha rushin huntress o' tha golden arrows; tha pimpin' mutha a therefore- Mercury, giver o' all pimp-tight- go wit her tha fuq into uh upper chamber, n' lay wit her up in secret, whereon da hoe bore his uh noble lil hustla Eudorus, singularly fleet o' foot n' up in fight valiant. When Ilithuia goddess o' tha painz o' child-birf brought his ta tha light o' day, n' da perved-out mutha a seen tha grill o' tha sun, mighty Echeclez lil hustla o' Playa took tha mutha ta hoe, n' gave pimped out wealf ta bust her yo, but her daddy Phylas brought tha lil pimp up, n' took care o' him, dotin as fondly upon his as though da thug wuz his own son. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. Da third company wuz hustled by Pisander lil hustla o' Maemalus, tha finest spearman among all tha Myrmidons next ta Achilles' own comrade Patroclus. Da oldschool knight Phoenix wuz captain o' tha fourf company, n' Alcimedon, noble lil hustla o' Laerceuz o' tha fiff.

When Achillez had chosen his madness- pimps n' had stationed dem all wit dey captains, his schmoooove charged dem straitly sayin`, "Myrmidons, remember yo' threats against tha Trojans while you wuz all up in tha ships up in tha tyme o' mah anger, n' you wuz all complainin o' mah dirty . 'Wack lil hustla o' Peleus,' you would say, 'yo' mutha mus' gots suckled you on gall, so ruthless iz you, biatch. Yo keep our es here all up in tha ships against our will; if yo iz so relentless it wuz betta we's go home ova tha sea.' Often gots you gathered n' thus chided wit mah dirty . Da minute iz now come fo' dem high featz o' arms dat you gots so long been pinin fo', therefore keep high hearts each one o' y'all ta do battle wit tha Trojans."

Wif deez lyrics he put n' tha fuq into dem all, n' dey serried dey g-units yet mo' closely when dey heard tha o' dey mackdaddy fo' realz. As tha stones which uh funky- builder sets up in tha wall o' some high doggy den which iz ta give shelta from tha winds- even so closely wuz tha helmets n' bossed shieldz set against one another n' sheeit. Right back up in yo mutha in . Shield pressed on shield, helm on helm, n' playa on  ; so close wuz dey dat tha horse-fro plumes on tha gleamin ridgez o' dey helmets touched each other as dey bent dey heads.

In front o' dem all two pimps put on dey armour- Patroclus n' Automedon- two s, wit but one mind ta lead tha Myrmidons. Then Achillez go inside his cold- tent n' opened tha lid o' tha phat chest which silver-footed Thetis had given his ta take on board ship, n' which dat freaky freaky biatch had filled wit shirts, cloaks ta keep up tha cold, n' phat thick rugs. In dis chest dat schmoooove mutha a had uh cold- lil cup o' rare workmanship, from which nahh playa but his dirty might drink, nor would he make offerin from it ta any other god save only ta daddy Jove yo. took tha cup from tha chest n' cleansed it wit sulphur; dis done he rinsed it clean water, n' afta dat schmoooove mutha a had washed his handz da ruffneck drew dat schmoooooove alcatronic sheeit. Then da perved-out mutha a stood up in tha middle o' tha court n' prayed, lookin towardz heaven, n' makin his in lil' drink-offerin o' colt 45; nor wuz he unseen o' Jove whose joy iz up in thunder n' sheeit. "Mack Jove," his schmoooove cried, "lord o' Dodona, god o' tha Pelasgi, whoz dwellest afar, you whoz hold wintry Dodona up in yo' sway, where yo' prophets tha Selli dwell round you wit dey feet unwashed n' dey couches made upon tha ground- if you heard mah madness when ah prayed ta you aforetime, n' did mah madness honour while you busted disasta on tha Achaeans, vouchsafe me now tha fulfilment o' yet dis further prayer n' sheeit. ah shall stay here where mah ships iz lyin yo, but ah shall bust mah comrade tha fuq into battle all up in tha head o' nuff Myrmidons. Grant, O all-seein Jove, dat victory may go wit him; put yo' courage tha fuq into his thugged-out dat Hector may learn whether mah squire iz playa enough ta fight alone, or whether his madness- might iz only then so indomitable when ah mah dirty enta tha turmoil o' war fo' realz. Afterwardz when dat schmoooove mutha a has chased tha fight n' tha cry o' battle from tha ships, grant dat he may return unharmed, wit his thugged-out armour n' his comrades, fightas up in close combat."

Thus did he pray, n' all-counpimpin Jove heard his thugged-out lil' prayer n' sheeit. Part o' it da ruffneck did indeed vouchsafe him- but not tha whole yo. granted dat Patroclus should thrust back war n' battle from tha ships yo, but refused ta let his come safely outta tha fight.

When dat schmoooove mutha a had made his in lil' drink-offerin n' had thus prayed, Achillez go inside his cold- tent n' put back tha cup tha fuq into his chest.

Then he ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in came out, fo' da perved-out mutha a still loved ta peep upon tha fierce fight dat raged between tha Trojans n' Achaeans.

Meanwhile, tha armed crew dat wuz bout Patroclus marched on till dey sprang high up in hope upon tha Trojans. dey came swarmin up like wasps whose nests iz by tha roadside, n' whom wack- lil pimps ludd ta tease, whereon any one whoz happens ta be pin may git stung- or ag'in, if uh wayfarer goin along tha road vexes dem by accident, every last mutha in wasp will come flyin up in uh gangbangin' fury ta defend his in lil ones- even wit such rage n' courage did tha Myrmidons swarm from dey ships, n' dey cry o' battle rose heavenwards. Patroclus called up ta his madness- pimps all up in tha top o' his voice, "Myrmidons, followerz o' Achillez lil hustla o' Peleus, be pimps mah playas, fight wit might n' wit main, dat we's may win glory fo' tha lil hustla o' Peleus, whoz iz far tha foremost playa all up in tha shipz o' tha Argives- he, n' his close fightin followers. Da lil hustla o' Atreus Mackdaddy Agamemnon will thus learn his wild lil' folly up in showin nahh respect ta tha bravest o' tha Achaeans."

Wif deez lyrics he put n' tha fuq into dem all, n' dey fell tha fuq up in uh funky- body upon tha Trojans. Da ships rang ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in wit tha cry which tha Achaeans raised, n' when tha Trojans seen tha brave lil hustla o' Menoetius n' his squire all gleamin up in dey armour, dey wuz daunted n' dey battalions wuz thrown tha fuq into mad drama, fo' dey thought tha fleet lil hustla o' Peleus mus' now gots put aside his thugged-out anger, n' done been reconciled ta Agamemnon; every last mutha in one, therefore, looked round bout ta peep whither he might fly fo' safety.

Patroclus first aimed uh spear tha fuq into tha middle o' tha press where pimps wuz packed most closely, by tha stern o' tha shizzle o' Protesilaus yo. hit Pyraechmes whoz had hustled his Paeonian horsemen from tha Amydon n' tha broad wataz o' tha river Axius; tha spear struck his on tha right shoulder, n' wit uh groan he fell tha fuq backwardz up in tha dust; on dis his madness- pimps wuz thrown tha fuq into mad drama, fo' by cappin' dey leader, whoz wuz tha finest soldier among dem, Patroclus struck panic tha fuq into dem all yo. thus drove dem from tha shizzle n' quenched tha fire dat wuz then blazing- leavin tha half-burnt shizzle ta lie where it wuz. Da Trojans wuz now driven back wit uh gangbangin' finger-lickin' dirty- shout dat rent tha skies, while tha Danaans poured afta dem from dey ships, shoutin also without ceasin fo' realz. As when Jove, gatherer o' tha thunder-cloud, spreadz uh thugged-out dense canopy on tha top o' some lofty mountain, n' all tha peaks, tha juttin headlands, n' forest glades show up in tha pimped out light dat flashes from tha burstin heavens, even so when tha Danaans had now driven back tha fire from dey ships, dey took breaf fo' uh lil while; but tha fury o' tha fight wuz not yet ova, fo' tha Trojans wuz not driven back up in utta rout yo, but still gave battle, n' wuz ousted from dey ground only by sheer fighting.

Da fight then became mo' scattered, n' tha chizzletains capped one another when n' how tha fuq dey could. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Da valiant lil hustla o' Menoetius first drove his spear tha fuq into tha thigh o' Areilycus just as da thug wuz turnin round; tha point go clean through, n' broke tha bone so dat he fell tha fuq forward. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Meanwhile, Menelaus struck Thoas up in tha chest, where dat shiznit wuz exposed near tha rim o' his shield, n' he fell tha fuq dead as in fried chickn n` corn bread. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. Da lil hustla o' Phyleus seen Amphiclus bout ta battle him, n' ere his schmoooove could do so took aim all up in tha upper part o' his cold- thigh, where tha musclez iz thicker than up in any other part; tha spear tore all up in all tha sishizzle o' tha leg, n' his wild lil' in peeps wuz closed up in darkness. o' tha lil playaz o' Nestor one, Antilochus, speared Atymnius, rollin tha deal wit tha spear all up in his cold- throat, n' down he fell. Maris then sprang on Antilochus up in hand-ta-hand fight ta avenge his brudda, n' bestrode tha body spear up in hand; but valiant Thrasymedes wuz too quick fo' him, n' up in uh moment had struck his up in tha shoulder ere his schmoooove could deal his blow; his thugged-out aim wuz true, n' tha spear severed all tha musclez all up in tha root o' his thugged-out arm, n' tore dem right down ta tha bone, so he fell tha fuq heavily ta tha ground n' his wild lil' in peeps wuz closed up in darkness. Thus did deez two noble comradez o' Sarn go down ta Erebus slain by tha two lil playaz o' Nestor; dey wuz tha warrior lil playaz o' Amisodorus, whoz had reared tha invincible Chimaera, ta tha bane o' nuff fo' realz. Ajax lil hustla o' Oileus sprang on Cleobulus n' took his kickin it as da thug wuz entangled up in tha crush; but he capped his then n' dere by uh sword-blow on tha neck. Da sword reeked wit his blood, while dark dirtnap n' tha phat hand o' fate gripped his n' closed his wild lil' in peeps.

Peneleos n' Lycon now kicked it wit up in close fight, fo' dey had missed each other wit dey spears. dey had bof thrown without effect, so now dey drew dey swords. Lycon struck tha plumed crest o' Peneleos' helmet but his sword broke all up in tha hilt, while Peneleos smote Lycon on tha neck under tha ear. Shiiit, dis aint nahh joke. Da blade sank so deep dat tha head wuz held on by not uh god damn thang but tha skin, n' dere wuz nahh mo' game left up in his mutha in . Meriones gave chase ta Acamas on foot n' caught his up just as da thug wuz bout ta mount his chariot; da ruffneck drove uh spear all up in his bangin right shoulder so dat he fell tha fuq headlong from tha `64, n' his wild lil' in peeps wuz closed up in darkness. Idomeneus speared Erymas up in tha grill; tha bronze point o' tha spear go clean all up in it beneaf tha dome, crashin up in among tha whitey bones n' smashin dem up yo. His teef wuz all o' dem knocked up n' tha blood came gushin up in uh stream from bof his wild lil' in peeps; it also came gurglin up from his madness- grill n' nostrils, n' tha darknizz o' dirtnap enfolded his round about.

Thus did deez chizzletainz o' tha Danaans each o' dem bust uh cap up in his madness- . ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch fo' realz. As ravenin wolves seize on lil playas or lambs, fastenin on dem when dey iz ridin' solo on tha hillsides n' gots strayed from tha main flock all up in tha carelessnizz o' tha shepherd- n' when tha wolves peep dis dey pounce upon dem at once cuz dey cannot defend theyselves- even so did tha Danaans now fall on tha Trojans, whoz fled wit ill-omened cries up in dey panic n' had nahh mo' fight left up in dem wild- mutha as.

Meanwhile, pimped out Ajax kept on tryin ta cruize uh spear tha fuq into Hector yo, but Hector wuz so skilful dat dat schmoooove mutha a held his broad shouldaz well under cover o' his ox-hide shield, eva on tha peep-out fo' tha whizzin o' tha arrows n' tha heavy thud o' tha spears yo. well knew dat tha fortunez o' tha dizzle had chizzled yo, but still stood his wild lil' freakadelic ground n' tried ta protect his comrades.

As when uh cold- lil cloud goes up tha fuq into heaven from Olympus, risin outta uh cold- lil clear sky when Jove iz brewin uh gale- even wit such panic stricken rout did tha Trojans now fly, n' dere wuz nahh order up in dey goin yo. Hectorz fleet horses bore his n' his thugged-out armour outta tha fight, n' he left tha Trojan host penned up in by tha deep trench against dey will. Many uh yoke o' horses snapped tha pole o' dey chariots up in tha trench n' left dey masterz hoopty behind dem wild- mutha as. Patroclus gave chase, callin impetuously on tha Danaans n' full o' fury against tha Trojans, who, bein now nahh longer up in uh funky- body, filled all tha ways wit dey criez o' panic n' rout; tha air wuz darkened wit tha cloudz o' dust dey raised, n' tha horses strained every last mutha in nerve up in dey flight from tha tents n' ships towardz tha hood.

Patroclus kept on headin his horses wherever da perved-out mutha a seen most pimps flyin up in mad drama, cheerin on his madness- pimps tha while. Chariots wuz bein smashed up in all directions, n' nuff uh playa came tumblin down from his own hoopty ta fall beneaf tha wheelz o' dat o' Patroclus, whose immortal steeds, given by tha godz ta Peleus, sprang ova tha trench at uh funky- bound as dey sped onward. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! wuz intent on tryin ta git near Hector, fo' dat schmoooove mutha a had set his thugged-out on spearin his yo, but Hectorz horses wuz now hurryin his away fo' realz. As tha whole dark earf bows 'bfoe some tempest on uh autumn dizzle when Jove rains his hardest ta punish pimps fo' givin crooked judgement up in dey courts, n' arrivin justice therefrom without heed ta tha decreez o' heaven- all tha rivers run full n' tha torrents tear nuff uh freshly smoked up channel as dey roar headlong from tha mountains ta tha dark sea, n' it fares ill wit tha workz o' s- even such wuz tha stress n' strain o' tha Trojan horses up in dey flight.

Patroclus now cut off tha battalions dat wuz nearest ta his n' drove dem back ta tha ships. dey wuz bustin dey dopest ta reach tha hood yo, but da thug would not Yet dem, n' bore down on dem between tha river n' tha ships n' wall. Many uh gangbangin' fallen comrade did tha pimpin' mutha a then avenge. First dat schmoooove mutha a hit Pronous wit uh spear on tha chest where dat shiznit wuz exposed near tha rim o' his shield, n' he fell tha fuq heavily ta tha ground. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Next da perved-out mutha a sprang on Thestor lil hustla o' Enops, whoz wuz chillin all huddled up in his chariot, fo' dat schmoooove mutha a had lost his head n' tha reins had been torn outta his hands. Patroclus go up ta his n' drove uh spear tha fuq into his bangin right jaw; tha pimpin' mutha a thus hooked his by tha teef n' tha spear pulled his ova tha rim o' his `64, as one whoz sits all up in tha end o' some juttin rock n' draws uh phat fish outta tha sea wit uh hook n' uh line- even so wit his spear did he pull Thestor all gapin from his chariot; tha pimpin' mutha a then threw his down on his wild lil' grill n' da ruffneck took uh dirt nap while falling. On dis here, as Erylaus wuz on ta battle him, da perved-out mutha a struck his full on tha head wit uh stone, n' his domes wuz all battered inside his helmet, whereon he fell tha fuq headlong ta tha ground n' tha pangz o' dirtnap took hold upon his mutha in . Then he laid low, one afta tha other, Erymas, Amphoterus, Epaltes, Tlepolemus, Echius lil hustla o' Damastor, Pyris, lpheus, Euippus n' Polymelus lil hustla o' Argeas.

Now when Sarn seen his comrades, pimps whoz wore ungirdled tunics, bein overcome by Patroclus lil hustla o' Menoetius, he rebuked tha Lycians sayin`. "Shame on you, where iz you flyin ta, biatch? Show yo' mettle; ah'ma mah dirty hook up dis playa up in fight n' learn whoz it iz dat iz so masterful; dat schmoooove mutha a has done our es much hurt, n' has stretched nuff uh funky- brave playa upon tha ground."

 sprang from his chariot as da perved-out mutha a spoke, n' Patroclus, when da perved-out mutha a seen dis here, leaped on ta tha ground also. Da two then rushed at one another wit bangin cries like eagle-beaked crook-taloned vultures dat scream n' tear at one another up in some high mountain fastness.

Da lil hustla o' schemin Saturn looked down upon dem up in pitizzle n' holla'd ta Juno whoz wuz his hoe n' sister, "Alas, dat it should be tha lot o' Sarn whom ah gots uh straight-up boner fo' so dearly ta perish by tha hand o' Patroclus. ah be up in two mindz whether ta catch his up outta tha fight n' set his down safe n' sound up in tha fertile land o' Lycia, or ta let his now fall by tha hand o' tha lil hustla o' Menoetius."

an' Juno answered, "Most dread lil hustla o' Saturn, what tha fuq iz dis dat yo iz sayin`, biatch? Would you snatch uh mortal, whose doom has long been fated, outta tha jawz o' dirtnap, biatch? Do as you will yo, but we's shall not all o' our es be o' yo' mind. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! ah say further, n' lay mah sayin ta yo' , dat if you bust Sarn safely ta his own home, some other o' tha godz iz ghon be also wantin ta escort his in lil hustla outta battle, fo' dere be nuff lil playaz o' godz fightin round tha hood o' Troy, n' yo big- booty iz ghon make every last mutha in one jealous. If, however, yo iz fond o' his n' pitizzle him, let his indeed fall by tha hand o' Patroclus yo, but as soon as tha game iz gone outta him, bust Dirtnap n' dope Sleep ta bear his off tha field n' take his ta tha broad landz o' Lycia, where his brothers n' his kinsmen will bury his wit mound n' pillar, up in due honour ta tha dead as in fried chickn n` corn bread."

Da sire o' godz n' pimps ented yo, but da perved-out mutha a shed uh thugged-out drizzle o' blood upon tha earf up in honour o' his in lil hustla whom Patroclus wuz bout ta bust uh cap up in on tha rich plain o' Troy far from his home.

When dey wuz now come close ta one another Patroclus struck Thrasydemus, tha brave squire o' Sarn, up in tha lower part o' tha belly, n' capped his mutha in . Right back up in yo mutha in . Sarn then aimed uh spear at Patroclus n' missed his yo, but da perved-out mutha a struck tha cow Pedasus up in tha right shoulder, n' it screamed aloud as it lay, groanin up in tha dust until tha game go outta dat sheeit. Da other two horses in started ta plunge; tha pole o' tha chariot cracked n' dey gots entangled up in tha reins all up in tha fall o' tha cow dat wuz yoked along wit dem; but Automedon knew what tha fuq ta do; without tha loss o' uh moment da ruffneck drew tha keen blade dat hung by his sturdy thigh n' cut tha third cow adrift; whereon tha other two righted theyselves, n' pullin hard all up in tha reins ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in go together tha fuq into battle.

Sarn now took uh second aim at Patroclus, n' ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in missed him, tha deal wit tha spear ped ova his in left shoulder without hittin his mutha in . Patroclus then aimed up in his cold- turn, n' tha spear sped not from his hand up in vain, fo' dat schmoooove mutha a hit Sarn just where tha midriff surroundz tha ever-beatin yo. fell tha fuq like some oak or silver poplar or tall pine ta which woodmen gots laid dey axes upon tha mountains ta make timber fo' shipbuilding- even so did he lie stretched at full lengf up in front o' his chariot n' horses, beatboxin n' clutchin all up in tha blood-stained dust fo' realz. As when uh lion springs wit uh funky- bound upon uh herd o' cattle n' fastens on uh pimped out black bull which takes uh thugged-out dirt nap bellowin up in its clutches- even so did tha leader o' tha Lycian warriors struggle up in dirtnap as he fell tha fuq by tha hand o' Patroclus yo. called on his cold- trusty comrade n' holla'd, "Glaucus, mah brudda, pimp among heroes, put forf all yo' strengf, fight wit might n' main, now if eva quit yo like uh valiant soldier n' sheeit. First go bout among tha Lycian captains n' bid dem fight fo' Sarn; then yo also do battle ta save mah armour from bein taken. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. muh motha in in name will haunt you henceforf n' fo' eva if tha Achaeans rob me o' mah armour now dat ah gots fallen at dey ships. Do yo' straight-up utmost n' page all mah playas together."

Deaf closed his wild lil' in peeps as da perved-out mutha a spoke. Patroclus planted his heel on his tittie n' drew tha spear from his body, whereon his senses came up along wit it, n' da ruffneck drew up bof spear-point n' Sarnz all up in tha same tyme yo. Hard by tha Myrmidons held his snortin steeds, whoz wuz wild wit panic at findin theyselves deserted by dey lords.

Glaucus wuz overcome wit grief when dat schmoooove mutha a heard what tha fuq Sarn holla'd, fo' his schmoooove could not he`p his mutha in yo. had ta support his thugged-out arm wit his other hand, bein up in pimped out pain all up in tha wound which Teucerz arrow had given his when Teucer wuz representin' tha wall as he, Glaucus, wuz ailin dat sheeit. Therefore he prayed ta far-dartin Apollo sayin`, "Hear me O mackdaddy from yo' seat, may be up in tha rich land o' Lycia, or may be up in Troy, fo' up in all places you can hear tha prayer o' one whoz iz up in distress, as ah now be. ah gots uh grievous wound; mah hand be achin wit pain, dere iz nahh staunchin tha blood, n' mah whole arm drags by reason o' mah hurt, so dat ah cannot grasp mah sword nor go among mah foes n' fight dem, thou our prince, Jovez lil hustla Sarn, iz slain. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. Jove defended not his son, do you, therefore, O mackdaddy, heal me o' mah wound, ease mah pain n' grant me strengf bof ta cheer on tha Lycians n' ta fight along wit dem round tha body o' his whoz has fallen."

Thus did he pray, n' Apollo heard his thugged-out lil' prayer n' shiznit yo. eased his thugged-out lil' pain, staunched tha black blood from tha wound, n' gave his freshly smoked up strengf. Glaucus perceived dis here, n' wuz thankful dat tha mighty god had answered his thugged-out lil' prayer; forthwif, therefore, da thug go among tha Lycian captains, n' bade dem come ta fight bout tha body o' Sarn. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. From deez da perved-out mutha a strode on among tha Trojans ta Polydamas lil hustla o' Panthous n' Agenor; tha pimpin' mutha a then go up in search o' Aeneas n' Hector, n' when dat schmoooove mutha a had found dem da perved-out mutha a holla'd, "Hector, you gots utterly forgotten yo' allies, whoz languish here fo' yo' sake far from playaz n' home while you do not uh god damn thang ta support dem wild- mutha as. Right back up in yo mutha in . Sarn leader o' tha Lycian warriors has fallen- da thug whoz wuz at once tha right n' might o' Lycia; Mars has laid his low by tha spear o' Patroclus. Right back up in yo mutha in . Stand by him, mah playas, n' suffer not tha Myrmidons ta strip his o' his thugged-out armour, nor ta treat his body wit contumely up in revenge fo' all tha Danaans whom our madness es gots speared all up in tha ships."

As da perved-out mutha a wuz rappin tha Trojans wuz plunged up in off tha hook n' ungovernable grief; fo' Sarn, alien though da thug wuz, had been one o' tha main stayz o' dey hood, bof as havin much playas wit him, n' his dirty tha foremost among dem all. Led by Hector, whoz wuz infuriated by tha fall o' Sarn, dey made instantly fo' tha Danaans wit all dey might, while tha undaunted spirit o' Patroclus lil hustla o' Menoetius hollared on tha Achaeans. First da perved-out mutha a wuz rappin ta tha two Ajaxes, pimps whoz needed nahh bidding. "Ajaxes," holla'd he, "may it now please you ta show youselves tha pimps you gots always been, or even bettah- Sarn iz fallen- da thug whoz wuz first ta overleap tha wall o' tha Achaeans; let our es take tha body n' outrage it; let our es strip tha armour from his shoulders, n' bust uh cap up in his comrades if dey try ta rescue his body."

 wuz rappin ta pimps whoz  o' theyselves wuz full eager; bof sides, therefore, tha Trojans n' Lycians on tha one hand, n' tha Myrmidons n' Achaeans on tha other, strengthened dey battalions, n' fought desperately bout tha body o' Sarn, shoutin fiercely tha while. Mighty wuz tha din o' dey armour as dey came together, n' Jove shed uh thick darknizz ova tha fight, ta increase tha o' tha battle ova tha body o' his son.

At first tha Trojans made some headway against tha Achaeans, fo' one o' tha dopest pimps among tha Myrmidons wuz capped, Epeigeus, lil hustla o' noble Agaclez whoz had erewhile been mackdaddy up in tha phat hood o' Budeum; but presently, havin capped uh valiant kinsman o' his own, tha pimpin' mutha a took refuge wit Peleus n' Thetis, whoz busted his ta Ilius tha land o' noble steedz ta fight tha Trojans under Achillez yo. Hector now struck his on tha head wit uh stone just as dat schmoooove mutha a had caught hold o' tha body, n' his domes inside his helmet wuz all battered in, so dat he fell tha fuq grill foremost upon tha body o' Sarn, n' dere died. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Patroclus wuz enraged by tha dirtnap o' his comrade, n' sped all up in tha front ranks as swiftly as uh hawk dat swoops down on uh gangbangin' flock o' daws or starlings. Even so, swiftly, O noble knight Patroclus, did you make straight fo' tha Lycians n' Trojans ta avenge yo' comrade. Forthwif da perved-out mutha a struck Sthenelaus tha lil hustla o' Ithaemenes on tha neck wit uh stone, n' broke tha tendons dat join it ta tha head n' spine. On dis Hector n' tha front rank o' his madness- pimps gave ground. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! As far as uh playa can throw uh javelin when competin fo' some prize, or even up in battle- so far did tha Trojans now retreat 'bfoe tha Achaeans. Glaucus, captain o' tha Lycians, wuz tha straight-up original gangsta ta rally dem, by cappin' Bathyclez lil hustla o' Chalcon whoz lived up in Hellas n' wuz tha richest playa among tha Myrmidons. Glaucus turned round suddenly, just as Bathyclez whoz wuz pursuin his wuz bout ta lay hold o' him, n' drove his spear right tha fuq into tha middle o' his chest, whereon he fell tha fuq heavily ta tha ground, n' tha fall o' so phat uh playa filled tha Achaeans wit dismay, while tha Trojans wuz exultant, n' came up in uh funky- body round tha corpse. Nevertheless, tha Achaeans, mindful o' dey prowess, bore straight down upon dem wild- mutha as.

Meriones then capped uh helmed warrior o' tha Trojans, Laogonus lil hustla o' Onetor, whoz wuz priest o' Jove o' Mt. Ida, n' wuz honoured by tha playas as though da thug wuz uh god. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Meriones struck his under tha jaw n' ear, so dat game go outta his n' tha darknizz o' dirtnap laid hold upon his mutha in fo' realz. Aeneas then aimed uh spear at Meriones, hopin ta hit his under tha shield as da thug wuz advancin yo, but Meriones seen it comin n' stooped forward ta stay tha fuq away from it, whereon tha spear flew past his n' tha point stuck up in tha ground, while tha booty-end go on quiverin till Mars robbed it o' its force. Da spear, therefore, sped from Aene hand up in vain n' fell tha fuq quiverin ta tha ground. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Aeneas wuz mad salty n' holla'd, "Meriones, yo be uh phat dancer yo, but if ah had hit you mah spear would soon gots made uh end o' you, biatch."

an' Meriones answered, "Aeneas, fo' all yo' bravery, yo big- booty iz ghon not be able ta cook up uh end o' every last mutha in one whoz comes against you, biatch. Yo iz only uh mortal like mah dirty , n' if ah wuz ta hit you up in tha middle o' yo' shield wit mah spear, however phat n' self-confident you may be, ah should soon vanquish you, n' you would yield yo' game ta Hadez o' tha noble steeds."

On dis tha lil hustla o' Menoetius rebuked his n' holla'd, "Meriones, pimp though you be, you should not drop uh rhyme thus; tauntin speeches, mah phat playa, aint gonna make tha Trojans draw away from tha dead body; uh load o' dem mus' go under ground first; blows fo' battle, n' lyrics fo' council; fight, therefore, n' say nuttin'."

 hustled tha way as da perved-out mutha a wuz rappin n' tha pimp go forward wit his mutha in  fo' realz. As tha sound o' woodcuttas up in some forest glade upon tha mountains- n' tha thud o' dey axes iz heard afar- even such uh gangbangin' finger-lickin' din now rose from earf-clash o' bronze armour n' o' phat ox-hide shields, as pimps smote each other wit dey swordz n' spears pointed at bof endz fo' realz. uh playa had need o' phat eyesight now ta know Sarn, so covered wuz he from head ta foot wit spears n' blood n' dust.  s swarmed bout tha body, as flies dat buzz round tha full milk-pails up in sprang when dey iz brimmin wit milk- even so did dey gather round Sarn; nor did Jove turn his keen peeps away fo' one moment from tha fight yo, but kept lookin at all dat shiznit tha tyme, fo' da thug wuz settlin how tha fuq dopest ta bust uh cap up in Patroclus, n' thankin bout whether Hector should be allowed ta end his  now up in tha fight round tha body o' Sarn, n' strip his  o' his thugged-out armour, or whether da perved-out mutha a should let his  give yet further shiznit ta tha Trojans. In tha end, da ruffneck deemed it dopest dat tha brave squire o' Achillez lil hustla o' Peleus should cruize Hector n' tha Trojans back towardz tha hood n' take tha livez o' many. First, therefore, he made Hector turn fainthearted, whereon he mounted his chariot n' fled, biddin tha other Trojans fly also, fo' da perved-out mutha a seen dat tha scalez o' Jove had turned against his mutha in . Neither would tha brave Lycians stand firm; dey wuz dismayed when dey seen dey mackdaddy lyin struck ta tha  amid uh heap o' corpses- fo' when tha lil hustla o' Saturn made tha fight wax bangin' nuff had fallen above his mutha in . Da Achaeans, therefore stripped tha gleamin armour from his shouldaz n' tha brave lil hustla o' Menoetius gave it ta his madness- pimps ta take ta tha ships. Then Jove lord o' tha storm-cloud holla'd ta Apollo, "Dear Phoebus, go, ah pray you, n' take Sarn outta range o' tha weapons; cleanse tha black blood from off him, n' then bear his  uh long- way off where you may wash his  up in tha river, anoint his  wit ambrosia, n' clothe his  up in immortal raiment; dis done, commit his  ta tha armz o' tha two fleet messengers, Dirtnap, n' Sleep, whoz  will carry his  straightway ta tha rich land o' Lycia, where his brothers n' kinsmen will inta him, n' will raise bof mound n' pillar ta his madness- memory, up in due honour ta tha dead as  in fried chickn n` corn bread."

Thus da perved-out mutha a wuz rappin fo' realz. Apollo obeyed his wild lil' fatherz sayin`, n' came down from tha heightz o' Ida tha fuq into tha thick o' tha fight; forthwif tha pimpin' mutha a took Sarn outta range o' tha weapons, n' then bore his uh long- way off, where da thug washed his up in tha river, anointed his wit ambrosia n' clothed his up in immortal raiment; dis done, his schmoooove committed his ta tha armz o' tha two fleet messengers, Dirtnap, n' Sleep, whoz presently set his down up in tha rich land o' Lycia.

Meanwhile, Patroclus, wit nuff uh gangbangin' finger-lickin' dirty- shout ta his horses n' ta Automedon, pursued tha Trojans n' Lycians up in tha pride n' foolishnizz o' his thugged-out yo. Had his thugged-out lil' punk- but obeyed tha biddin o' tha lil hustla o' Peleus, da thug would gots, escaped dirtnap n' done been scatheless; but tha counselz o' Jove p manz understanding; da thug will put even uh funky- brave playa ta flight n' snatch victory from his wild lil' freakadelic grasp, or ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in da thug will set his on ta fight, as he now did when he put uh high spirit tha fuq into tha o' Patroclus.

Dum diddy-dum, here ah come biaaatch! Who tha fuq then first, n' whoz last, wuz slain by you, O Patroclus, when tha godz had now called you ta hook up yo' doom, biatch? First Adrestus, Autonous, Echeclus, Perimus tha lil hustla o' Megas, Epistor n' Melanippus; afta deez he capped Elasus, Mulius, n' Pylartes. deez da perved-out mutha a slew yo, but tha rest saved theyselves by flight.

Da lil playaz o' tha Achaeans would now gots taken Troy by tha handz o' Patroclus, fo' his spear flew up in all directions, had not Phoebus Apollo taken his stand upon tha wall ta defeat his thugged-out lil' purpose n' ta aid tha Trojans. Thrice did Patroclus charge at uh angle o' tha high wall, n' thrice did Apollo beat his back, strikin his shield wit his own immortal hands. When Patroclus wuz comin on like uh god fo' yet uh gangbangin' fourf tyme, Apollo shouted ta his wit uh wack voice n' holla'd, "Draw back, noble Patroclus, it aint yo' lot ta sack tha hood o' tha Trojan chizzletains, nor yet will it be dat o' Achillez whoz be uh gangbangin' far betta playa than yo iz." On hearin dis here, Patroclus withdrew ta some distizzle n' avoided tha anger o' Apollo.

Meanwhile, Hector wuz waitin wit his horses inside tha Scaean gates, up in doubt whether ta cruize up ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in n' go on fighting, or ta booty-page tha army inside tha gates fo' realz. As da thug wuz thus doubtin Phoebus Apollo drew near his up in tha likenizz o' uh lil' n' lusty warrior Asius, whoz wuz Hectorz uncle, bein own brutha ta Hecuba, n' lil hustla o' Dymas whoz lived up in Phrygia by tha wataz o' tha river Sangarius; up in his in likenizz Jovez lil hustla Apollo now wuz rappin ta Hector sayin`, "Hector, why gots you left off fighting, biatch? It be ill done o' you, biatch. If ah wuz as much betta uh playa than you, as ah be worse, you should soon rue yo' slackness. cruize straight towardz Patroclus, if so be dat Apollo may grant you uh triumph ova him, n' you may rull his mutha in ."

Wif dis tha god go back tha fuq into tha hurly-burly, n' Hector bade Cebriones cruize ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in tha fuq into tha fight fo' realz. Apollo ped up in among dem, n' struck panic tha fuq into tha Argives, while he gave triumph ta Hector n' tha Trojans yo. Hector let tha other Danaans ridin' solo n' capped nahh yo, but drove straight at Patroclus. Patroclus then sprang from his chariot ta tha ground, wit uh spear up in his in left hand, n' up in his bangin right uh jagged stone as big- as his hand could hold. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! stood still n' threw it, nor done did it go far without hittin some one; tha cast wuz not up in vain, fo' tha stone struck Cebriones, Hectorz charioteer, uh funky- bastard lil hustla o' Priam, as dat schmoooove mutha a held tha reins up in his hands. Da stone hit his on tha forehead n' drove his brows tha fuq into his head fo' tha bone wuz smashed, n' his wild lil' in peeps fell tha fuq ta tha ground at his Nikes yo. dropped dead from his chariot as though da thug wuz diving, n' dere wuz nahh mo' game left up in his mutha in . ova his did you then vaunt, O knight Patroclus, sayin`, "Bless mah , how tha fuq actizzle he iz, n' how tha fuq well da ruffneck dives. If our madness es had been at sea dis fellow would gots dived from tha shipz side n' brought up as nuff oystas as tha whole crew could stomach, even up in rough water, fo' dat schmoooove mutha a has dived dopely off his chariot on ta tha ground. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Well shiiiit, it seems, then, dat dere be divers also among tha Trojans."

As da perved-out mutha a wuz rappin he flung his dirty on Cebriones wit tha spring, as it wuz, o' uh lion dat while comin' at uh stockyard iz his dirty struck up in tha chest, n' his courage iz his own bane- even so furiously, O Patroclus, did you then sprang upon Cebriones yo. Hector sprang also from his chariot ta tha ground. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Da pair then fought ova tha body o' Cebriones fo' realz. As two lions fight fiercely on some high mountain ova tha body o' uh stag dat dey gots capped, even so did deez two mighty warriors, Patroclus lil hustla o' Menoetius n' brave Hector, hack n' hew at one another ova tha corpse o' Cebriones yo. Hector would not let his go when dat schmoooove mutha a had once gots his by tha head, while Patroclus kept fast hold o' his wild lil' feet, n' uh gangbangin' fierce fight raged between tha other Danaans n' Trojans fo' realz. As tha eastside n' downtown wind buffet one another when dey beat upon some dense forest on tha mountains- dere iz beech n' ash n' spreadin cornel; tha ta o' tha trees roar as dey beat on one another, n' one can hear tha boughs crackin n' breaking- even so did tha Trojans n' Achaeans sprang upon one another n' lay bout each other, n' neither side would give way. Many uh pointed spear fell tha fuq ta ground n' nuff uh winged arrow sped from its bow-strin bout tha body o' Cebriones; nuff uh pimped out stone, moreover, beat on nuff uh gangbangin' finger-lickin' dirty- shield as dey fought round his body yo, but dere he lay up in tha whirlin cloudz o' dust, all big- n' hugely, heedless o' his in lil' rollin now, nahmeean?

So long as tha sun wuz still high up in mid-heaven tha weaponz o' either side wuz alike deadly, n' tha playas fell; but when da thug go down towardz tha tyme when pimps loose dey oxen, tha Achaeans proved ta be beyond all forecast stronger, so dat dey drew Cebriones outta range o' tha darts n' tumult o' tha Trojans, n' stripped tha armour from his shoulders. Then Patroclus sprang like Mars wit fierce intent n' uh terrific shout upon tha Trojans, n' thrice did he bust uh cap up in nine s; but as da thug wuz comin on like uh god fo' uh tyme, then, O Patroclus, wuz tha minute o' yo' end approaching, fo' Phoebus fought you up in fell tha fuq earnest. Patroclus did not peep his as he moved bout up in tha crush, fo' da thug wuz enshrouded up in thick darkness, n' tha god struck his from behind on his back n' his broad shouldaz wit tha flat o' his hand, so dat his wild lil' in peeps turned dizzy. Phoebus Apollo beat tha helmet from off his head, n' it rolled rattlin off under tha horses' feet, where its horse-fro plumes wuz all begrimed wit dust n' blood. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! ah be fly as uh gangbangin' falcon, soarin all up in tha sky dawwwwg! Never indeed had dat helmet fared so 'bfoe, fo' it had served ta protect tha head n' comely forehead o' tha godlike pimp Achilles. Now, however, Zeus served up it ova ta be worn by Hector. Shiiit, dis aint nahh joke. Nevertheless, tha end o' Hector also wuz near. Shiiit, dis aint nahh joke. Da bronze-shod spear, so pimped out n' so strong, wuz ed up in tha hand o' Patroclus, while his shield dat covered his from head ta foot fell tha fuq ta tha ground as did also tha crew dat held it, n' Apollo undid tha fasteningz o' his corslet.

On dis his madness- mind became clouded; his in limbs failed him, n' da perved-out mutha a stood as one dazed; whereon Euphorbus lil hustla o' Panthous uh Dardanian, tha dopest spearman o' his cold- tyme, as also tha finest horseman n' fleetest runner, came behind his n' struck his up in tha back wit uh spear, midway between tha shoulders. dis here playa as soon as eva dat schmoooove mutha a had come up wit his chariot had dismounted tweny s, so proficient wuz he up in all tha artz o' war- he it wuz, O knight Patroclus, dat first drove uh weapon tha fuq into you yo, but da ruffneck did not like overpower you, biatch. Euphorbus then ran back tha fuq into tha crowd, afta drawin his thugged-out ashen spear outta tha wound; da thug would not stand firm n' wait fo' Patroclus, unarmed though he now wuz, ta battle him; but Patroclus unnerved, alike by tha blow tha god had given his n' by tha spear-wound, drew back under cover o' his madness- pimps up in fear fo' his wild lil' freakadelic game yo. Hector on dis here, seein his ta be wounded n' givin ground, forced his way all up in tha ranks, n' when close up wit his struck his up in tha lower part o' tha belly wit uh spear, rollin tha bronze point right all up in it, so dat he fell tha fuq heavily ta tha ground ta tha pimped out o' tha Achaeans fo' realz. As when uh lion has fought some fierce wild-boar n' worsted him- tha two fight furiously upon tha mountains ova some lil fountain at which dey would bof drink, n' tha lion has beaten tha boar till his schmoooove can hardly breathe- even so did Hector lil hustla o' Priam take tha game o' tha brave lil hustla o' Menoetius whoz had capped so many, strikin his from close at hand, n' vauntin ova his tha while. "Patroclus," holla'd he, "you deemed dat you should sack our hood, rob our Trojan dem hoez o' dey freedom, n' carry dem off up in yo' ships ta yo' own ghetto. foo'; Hector n' his wild lil' fleet horses wuz eva strainin dey utmost ta defend dem wild- mutha as. ah be foremost o' all tha Trojan warriors ta stave tha dizzle o' bondage from off dem; as fo' you, vultures shall devour you here, so peek-uh-boo, clear tha way, ah be comin' thru fo'sho. Right back up in yo mutha in . Skanky wretch, Achillez wit all his bravery availed you nuttin'; n' yet ah ween when you left his his schmoooove charged you straitly sayin`, 'Come not back ta tha ships, knight Patroclus, till you gots rent tha bloodstained hoodie o' murderous Hector bout his body. Thus ah ween did his schmoooove charge you, n' yo' foolz answered his 'yea' within you, biatch."

Then, as tha game ebbed outta you, you answered, O knight Patroclus: "Hector, vaunt as you will, fo' Jove tha lil hustla o' Saturn n' Apollo gots vouchsafed you victory; it iz dey whoz gots vanquished mah madness so easily, n' dey whoz gots stripped tha armour from mah shoulders; had tweny such pimps as you beat down me, all o' dem would gots fallen 'bfoe mah spear. Shiiit, dis aint nahh joke. Fate n' tha lil hustla o' Leto gots overpowered me, n' among mortal pimps Euphorbus; yo iz yo third only up in tha cappin' o' mah dirty . ah say further, n' lay mah sayin ta yo' , you too shall live but fo' uh lil season; dirtnap n' tha dizzle o' yo' doom iz close upon you, n' dey will lay you low by tha hand o' Achillez lil hustla o' Aeacus."

When dat schmoooove mutha a had thus spoken his wild lil' in peeps wuz closed up in dirtnap, his thugged-out left his body n' flitted down ta tha doggy den o' Hades, mournin its ed up fate n' biddin farewell ta tha youf n' vigor o' its manhood. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! ah be fly as uh gangbangin' falcon, soarin all up in tha sky dawwwwg! Dead though da thug wuz, Hector still wuz rappin ta his sayin`, "Patroclus, why should you thus foretell mah doom, biatch? Dum diddy-dum, here ah come biaaatch! Who tha fuq knows but Achilles, lil hustla o' ghettofab Thetis, may be smitten by mah spear n' take uh thugged-out dirtnap 'bfoe me son?"

As da perved-out mutha a wuz rappin da ruffneck drew tha bronze spear from tha wound, plantin his wild lil' foot upon tha body, which tha pimpin' mutha a thrust off n' let lie on its back yo. then go spear up in hand afta Automedon, squire o' tha fleet descendant o' Aeacus, fo' he longed ta lay his low yo, but tha immortal steedz which tha godz had given as uh rich gift ta Peleus bore his swiftly from tha field.

Book 17: Achaen Ships Fully Loaded Edit

Brave Menelaus lil hustla o' Atreus now came ta know dat Patroclus had fallen, an' made his way all up in tha front ranks clad up in full armour ta bestride him fo' realz. As uh cold- lil cow standz lowin ova her first calf, even so did yellow-haired Menelaus bestride Patroclus yo. held his bangin round shield n' his spear up in front o' him, resolute ta bust uh cap up in any whoz should dare grill his mutha in . But tha lil hustla o' Panthous had also noted tha body, n' came up ta Menelaus sayin`, "Menelaus, son o' Atreus, draw back, leave tha body, n' let tha bloodstained spoils be. ah wuz first o' tha Trojans n' dey brave allies ta cruize mah spear into Patroclus, let me, therefore, gots mah full glory among tha Trojans, or ah'ma take aim n' bust uh cap up in you, biatch."


ta dis Menelaus answered up in pimped out anger "By daddy Jove, boastin be uh ill thang. Da pard aint mo' bold, nor tha lion nor savage wild-boar, which iz fiercest n' most dauntless o' all creatures, than iz tha proud as uh mutha a sonz o' Panthous. Yet Hyperenor did not peep up tha minutez o' his youf when he made light o' me n' withstood me, deemin me tha meanest soldier among da Danaans yo. His own feet never bore his back ta gladden his hoe n' muthafathas. Even so shall ah cook up uh end o' y'all too, if you withstand me; git you back into tha crowd n' do not grill me, or it shall be worse fo' you, biatch. Even uh foo' may be wise afta tha event."


Euphorbus would not listen, n' holla'd, "Now indeed, Menelaus, shall you pay fo' tha dirtnap o' mah brutha ova whom you vaunted, n' whose hoe you widowed up in her bridal chamber, while you brought grief unspeakable on his thugged-out lil' muthafathas. ah shall comfort deez skanky playas if ah brang yo' head an' armour n' place dem up in tha handz o' Panthous n' noble Phrontis. Da tyme iz come when dis matta shall be fought up n' settled, fo' me or against mah dirty ."


As da perved-out mutha a wuz rappin da perved-out mutha a struck Menelaus full on tha shield yo, but tha spear did not go through, fo' tha shield turned its point. Menelaus then took aim, prayin ta daddy Jove as da ruffneck did so; Euphorbus wuz drawin back, n' Menelaus struck his bout tha rootz o' his cold- throat, leanin his whole weight on tha spear, so as ta cruize it home. Da point go clean all up in his neck, n' his thugged-out armour rang rattlin round his as he fell tha fuq heavily ta tha ground. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! His afro which wuz like dat o' tha Graces, n' his in locks so deftly bound up in bandz o' silver n' gold, wuz all bedrabbled wit blood. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! ah be fly as uh gangbangin' falcon, soarin all up in tha sky dawwwwg! As one who has grown uh gangbangin' fine lil' olive tree up in uh cold- lil clear space where dere be abundizzle o' water- tha plant iz full o' promise, n' though tha windz beat upon it from every last mutha in quarta it puts forf its whitey blossoms till tha blasts o' some fierce hurricane sweep down upon it n' level it wit tha ground- even so did Menelaus strip tha fair youf Euphorbuz o' his thugged-out armour afta he had slain his mutha in . Or as some fierce lion upon tha mountains up in tha pride o' his strengf fastens on tha finest heifer up in uh herd as it iz feeding- first his thugged-out lil' punk- breaks her neck wit his thugged-out lil' phat jaws, n' then gorges on her blood an' entrails; dawgs n' shepherdz raise uh hue n' cry against his yo, but dey stand aloof n' aint gonna come close ta him, fo' dey iz pale wit fear- even so nahh one had tha courage ta grill valiant Menelaus. Da lil hustla o' Atreus would gots then carried off tha armour o' tha lil hustla o' Panthous wit ease, had not Phoebus Apollo been mad salty, n' up in tha guise o' Mentes chizzle o' da Cicons incited Hector ta battle his mutha in . "Hector," holla'd he, "yo iz now goin afta tha horsez o' tha noble lil hustla o' Aeacus yo, but yo big- booty iz ghon not take dem; dey cannot be kept up in hand n' driven by mortal , save only by Achilles, whoz iz lil hustla ta uh immortal mutha n' sheeit. Meanwhile Menelaus lil hustla o' Atreus has bestridden tha body o' Patroclus n' capped tha noblest o' tha Trojans, Euphorbus lil hustla o' Panthous, so dat his schmoooove can fight nahh mo'."


Da god then go back tha fuq into tha toil n' turmoil yo, but tha o' Hector wuz darkened wit uh cold- lil cloud o' grief; he looked along tha ranks an' seen Euphorbus lyin on tha ground wit tha blood still flowin from his wound, n' Menelaus strippin his o' his thugged-out armour. Shiiit, dis aint nahh joke. On dis he made his way ta tha front like uh gangbangin' flame o' fire, clad up in his wild lil' freakadelic gleamin armour, n' cryin wit uh funky- bangin voice. When tha lil hustla o' Atreus heard him, da perved-out mutha a holla'd ta himself up in his in lil' dismay, "Alas mutha a! what tha fuq shall ah do, biatch? ah may not let tha Trojans take tha armour o' Patroclus whoz has fallen fightin on mah behalf, lest some Danaan whoz sees me should cry shame upon mah dirty . Right back up in yo mutha in . Still if fo' mah honourz sake ah fight Hector n' tha Trojans single-handed, dey will prove too many fo' me, fo' Hector iz brangin dem up in force. Why, however, should ah thus hesitate, biatch? When uh playa fights up in despite o' heaven wit one whom uh god befriends, da thug will soon rue dat sheeit. Let nahh Danaan be thinkin ill o' me if ah give place ta Hector, fo' tha hand o' heaven iz wit his mutha in . Yet, if ah could find Ajax, tha two o' our es would fight Hector n' heaven too, if we's might only save tha body o' Patroclus fo' Achillez lil hustla o' Peleus. dis here, o' nuff evils would be tha least."


While da thug wuz thus up in two minds, tha Trojans came up ta his wit Hector at dey head; tha pimpin' mutha a therefore drew back n' left tha body, turnin 'boutlike some bearded lion whoz iz bein chased by dawgs n' pimps from uh stockyard wit spears n' hue n' cry, whereon he iz daunted n' slinks sulkily off- even so did Menelaus lil hustla o' Atreus turn n' leave tha body o' Patroclus. When among tha body o' his madness- s, he looked round fo' mighty Ajax lil hustla o' Telamon, n' presently seen his on tha off tha hook left o' tha fight, cheerin on his madness- pimps n' exhortin dem ta keep on fighting, fo' Phoebus Apollo had spread uh pimped out panic among dem wild- mutha as yo. ran up ta his n' holla'd, "Ajax, mah phat playa, come wit me at once ta dead Patroclus, if so be dat we's may take tha body ta Achilles- as fo' his thugged-out armour, Hector already has dat sheeit."


deez lyrics stirred tha o' Ajax, n' he made his way among da front ranks, Menelaus goin wit his mutha in yo. Hector had stripped Patroclus o' his thugged-out armour, n' wuz draggin his away ta cut off his head n' take tha body ta flin 'bfoe tha dawgz o' Troy. But Ajax came up wit his shield like wall 'bfoe him, on which Hector withdrew under shelta o' his madness- s, an' sprang on ta his chariot, givin tha armour ova ta tha Trojans ta take ta tha hood, as uh pimped out trophy fo' his dirty ; Ajax, therefore, covered da body o' Patroclus wit his broad shield n' bestrode him; as uh lion standz ova his whelps if huntas gots come upon his up in uh gangbangin' forest when he iz wit his in lil ones- up in tha pride n' fiercenizz o' his strengf he draws his knit brows down till dey cover his wild lil' in peeps- even so did Ajax bestride da body o' Patroclus, n' by his side stood Menelaus lil hustla o' Atreus, nursin great sorrow up in his thugged-out .


Then Glaucus lil hustla o' Hippolochus looked fiercely at Hector n' rebuked him sternly. "Hector," holla'd he, "you cook up uh funky- brave show yo, but up in fight you is sadly wantin fo' realz. uh runaway like yo has nahh claim ta so pimped out uh reputation. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. Think how tha fuq you may now save yo' hood n' citadel by tha handz o' yo' own

s born up in Ilius; fo' yo big- booty iz ghon git nahh Lycians ta fight fo' you, seein 

what props dey gots had fo' dey incessant bull s, n' you can put dat on yo' toast. iz you likely,

, ta do anythang ta he`p uh playa o' less note, afta leavin Sarn, 

who wuz at once yo' hommie n' comrade up in arms, ta be tha spoil n' prey o' tha Danaans, biatch? So long as he lived da ruffneck did phat steez bof ta yo' hood an' yo ; yet you had nahh stomach ta save his body from tha dawgs. If da Lycians will dig me, dey will bounce back ta tha doggy den n' leave Troy ta its fate. If tha Trojans had any o' dat darin fearless spirit which lays hold o' pimps whoz iz fightin fo' dey ghetto n' dissin dem playas whoz would battle it, we's should soon bear off Patroclus tha fuq into Ilius. Could we's git dis dead playa away n' brang his tha fuq into tha hood o' Priam, tha Argives would readily give up tha armour o' Sarn, n' we's should git his body ta boot. fo' da thug whose squire has been now capped iz tha foremost playa at da shipz o' tha Achaeans- he n' his close-fightin followers. Nevertheless, you dared not cook up uh stand against Ajax, nor grill him, eye ta eye, wit battle all round you, fo' he be uh funky- braver playa than you is."


Hector scowled at his n' answered, "Glaucus, you should know mo' betta n' sheeit. ah gots held you so far as uh playa o' mo' understandin than any up in all Lycia, but now ah despise you fo' sayin dat ah be afraid o' Ajax. ah fear neither battle nor tha din o' chariots yo, but Jovez will iz stronger than ours; Jove at one tyme make even uh phat playa draw back n' snatches victory from his wild lil' freakadelic grasp, while at another da thug will set his on ta fight. Come hither then, mah playa, stand by me n' peep indeed whether ah shall play tha coward da whole dizzle all up in as you say, or whether ah shall not stay some even o' tha bcrazy oldschool Danaans from fightin round tha body o' Patroclus."


As da perved-out mutha a wuz rappin his schmoooove called loudly on tha Trojans sayin`, "Trojans, Lycians, an' Dardanians, fightas up in close combat, be s, mah playas, n' fight might n' main, while ah put on tha goodly armour o' Achilles, which ah took when ah capped Patroclus."


Wif dis Hector left tha fight, n' ran full speed afta his madness- pimps who wuz takin tha armour o' Achillez ta Troy yo, but had not yet gots far. Shiiit, dis aint nahh joke. Standin fo' uh while apart from tha woeful fight, his schmoooove chizzled his thugged-out armour. Shiiit, dis aint nahh joke. His own da perved-out mutha a busted ta tha phat hood o' Ilius n' ta tha Trojans, while he put on tha immortal armour o' tha lil hustla o' Peleus, which tha godz had given ta Peleus, whoz up in his thugged-out age gave it ta his son; but tha lil hustla did not grow old up in his wild lil' fatherz armour.


When Jove, lord o' tha storm-cloud, seen Hector standin aloof n' armin his dirty up in tha armour o' tha lil hustla o' Peleus, da thug wagged his head n' muttered ta his dirty sayin`, "uh! skanky wretch, you arm up in tha armour o' uh hero, 'bfoe whom nuff another trembles, n' you reck not uh god damn thang o' tha doom dat be already close upon you, biatch. Yo gots capped his comrade so brave n' strong yo, but dat shiznit wuz not well dat you should strip tha armour from his head an' shoulders. ah do indeed endow you wit pimped out might now yo, but as against dis here you shall not return from battle ta lay tha armour o' tha lil hustla o' Peleus 'bfoe Andromache."


Da lil hustla o' Saturn bowed his thugged-out lil' portentous brows, n' Hector fitted da armour ta his body, while ty Mars entered tha fuq into him, n' filled his whole body wit might n' valour. Shiiit, dis aint nahh joke. Wif uh gangbangin' finger-lickin' dirty- shout da perved-out mutha a strode up in among tha allies, n' his thugged-out armour flashed bout his so dat da perved-out mutha a seemed ta all o' dem like tha pimped out lil hustla o' Peleus his dirty yo. go bout among dem n' hollared dem on- Mesthles, Glaucus, Medon, Thersilochus, Asteropaeus, Deisenor an' Hippothous, Phorcys, Chromius n' Ennomus tha augur fo' realz. All deez did he exhort sayin`, "Hear me, allies from other ghettos whoz iz here up in yo' thousands, dat shiznit wuz not up in order ta git uh cold- lil crowd bout me dat ah called you hither each from his nuff mutha in hood yo, but dat wit n' you might defend tha wives n' lil onez o' tha Trojans from tha fierce Achaeans. fo' dis do ah oppress mah playas wit yo' chickn n` corn bread n' tha presents dat make you rich. Therefore, turn, n' charge all up in tha foe, ta stand or fall as iz da game o' war; whoever shall brang Patroclus, dead though his thugged-out lil' punk- be, tha fuq into da handz o' tha Trojans, n' shall make Ajax give way 'bfoe him, ah'ma give his one half o' tha spoils while ah keep tha other n' shiznit yo. will thus share like honour wit mah dirty ."


When dat schmoooove mutha a had thus spoken dey charged full weight upon tha Danaans wif dey spears held up 'bfoe dem, n' tha hopez o' each ran high dat da perved-out mutha a should force Ajax lil hustla o' Telamon ta yield up tha body- fools dat dey wuz, fo' da thug wuz bout ta take tha livez o' many. Then Ajax holla'd ta Menelaus, "muh motha in in phat playa Menelaus, you n' ah shall hardly come outta dis here fight kickin dat sheeit, yo. ah be less concerned fo' tha body o' Patroclus, whoz will shortly become meat fo' tha dawgs n' vulturez o' Troy, than fo' tha safety o' mah own head n' yours yo. Hector has wrapped our es round up in uh storm o' battle from every last mutha in quarter, n' our destruction seems now certain. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. page then upon da princez o' tha Danaans if dere be any whoz can hear us."


Menelaus did as da perved-out mutha a holla'd, n' shouted ta tha Danaans fo' he`p at da top o' his voice. "muh motha in in playas," his schmoooove cried, "princes n' counsellors o' tha Argives, all you whoz wit Agamemnon n' Menelaus drank all up in tha hood cost, n' give ordaz each ta his own playas as Jove vouchsafes his juice an' glory, tha fight iz so thick bout me dat ah cannot distinguish you severally; come on, therefore, every last mutha in playa unbidden, n' be thinkin it shame dat Patroclus should become meat n' morsel fo' Trojan hounds."


Fleet Ajax lil hustla o' Oileus heard his n' wuz first ta force his way all up in tha fight n' run ta he`p his mutha in . Next came Idomeneus n' Meriones his esquire, peer o' murderous Mars fo' realz. As fo' tha others dat came tha fuq into tha fight afta deez, whoz o' his own self could name dem?


Da Trojans wit Hector at dey head charged up in uh funky- body fo' realz. As uh pimped out wave dat comes thunderin up in all up in tha grill o' some heaven-born river, n' da roxors dat jut tha fuq into tha sea rang wit tha roar o' tha breakers dat beat n' buffet dem- even wit such uh roar did tha Trojans come on; but da Achaeans up in singlenizz o' stood firm bout tha lil hustla o' Menoetius, an' fenced his wit dey bronze shields. Jove, moreover, hid tha brightnizz o' dey helmets up in uh thick cloud, fo' dat schmoooove mutha a had borne nahh grudge against tha son o' Menoetius while da thug wuz still kickin it n' squire ta tha descendant o' Aeacus; therefore da thug wuz lof ta let his fall uh prey ta tha dawgz o' his foes tha Trojans, n' urged his comrades on ta defend him.


At first tha Trojans drove tha Achaeans back, n' dey withdrew from tha dead playa daunted. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! dis here type'uh shiznit happens all tha tyme. Da Trojans did not succeed up in cappin' any one, nevertheless dey drew tha body away. But tha Achaeans did not lose it long, fo' Ajax, foremost o' all tha Danaans afta tha lil hustla o' Peleus alike in stature n' prowess, quickly rallied dem n' made towardz tha front like uh wild boar upon tha mountains when da perved-out mutha a standz at bay up in tha forest glades n' routs tha houndz n' lusty youths dat gots beat down him- even so did Ajax lil hustla o' Telamon pin easily up in among tha phalanxez o' tha Trojans, disperse dem playas whoz had bestridden Patroclus n' wuz most bent on ballin glory by draggin his off ta dey hood fo' realz. At dis moment Hippothous brave lil hustla o' tha Pelasgian Lethus, up in his zeal fo' Hector n' tha Trojans, wuz draggin tha body off by tha foot all up in tha press o' tha fight, havin bound uh strap round tha sishizzle near tha ancle; but uh mischizzle soon befell him from which none o' dem could save his whoz would gots gladly done so, fo' tha lil hustla o' Telamon sprang forward n' smote his on his bronze-cheeked helmet. Da plumed headpiece broke bout tha deal wit tha weapon, struck at once by tha spear n' by tha phat hand o' Ajax, so dat tha bloody dome came oozin up all up in tha crest-socket yo. His strengf then failed him n' he let Patroclus' foot drop from his hand, as he fell tha fuq full lengf dead upon tha body; thus da ruffneck took uh dirt nap far from tha fertile land o' Larissa, an' never repaid his thugged-out lil' muthafathas tha cost o' brangin his up, fo' his wild lil' freakadelic game wuz cut short early by tha spear o' mighty Ajax yo. Hector then took aim at Ajax wit uh spear yo, but da perved-out mutha a seen it comin n' just managed ta stay tha fuq away from it; tha spear ped on n' struck Schedius lil hustla o' noble Iphitus, captain o' tha Phoceans, whoz dwelt up in famed Panopeus n' reigned ova much s; it struck his under tha middle o' tha collar-bone tha bronze point go right all up in him, comin up all up in tha bottom o' his shoulder-blade, n' his thugged-out armour rang rattlin round his as he fell tha fuq heavily ta tha ground. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Ajax up in his cold- turn struck noble Phorcys lil hustla o' Phaenops up in tha middle o' tha belly as da thug wuz bestridin Hippothous, n' broke tha plate o' his cuir; whereon tha spear tore up his wild lil' in entrails n' his schmoooove clutched tha ground up in his thugged-out lil' palm as he fell ta earf yo. Hector n' dem playas whoz wuz up in tha front rank then gave ground, while tha Argives raised uh funky- bangin cry o' triumph, n' drew off tha bodies o' Phorcys n' Hippothous which dey stripped presently o' dey armour.


Da Trojans would now done been worsted by tha brave Achaeans n' driven back ta Ilius all up in dey own cowardice, while tha Argives, so great wuz dey courage n' endurance, would gots bigged up uh triumph even against tha will o' Jove, if Apollo had not roused Aeneas, up in tha likenizz o' Periphas lil hustla o' Epytus, uh attendant whoz had grown oldschool up in tha steez o' Aeneas' aged father, n' wuz at all times devoted ta his mutha in . In his in likeness, then, Apollo holla'd, "Aeneas, can you not manage, even though heaven be against us, ta save high Ilius, biatch? ah gots known s, whose numbers, courage, n' self-reliizzle gots saved dey playas up in spite o' Jove, whereas up in dis case da thug would much give victory ta our es than ta tha Danaans, if you would only fight instead o' bein so terribly afraid."


Aeneas knew Apollo when he looked straight at him, n' shouted ta Hector sayin`, "Hector n' all other Trojans n' allies, shame on our es if we's iz beaten by tha Achaeans n' driven back ta Ilius all up in our own cowardice fo' realz. uh god has just come up ta me n' holla'd at mah madness dat Jove tha supreme disposer iz ghon be wit us. Therefore let our es make fo' tha Danaans, dat it may go hard wit dem ere dey bear away dead Patroclus ta tha ships."


As da perved-out mutha a wuz rappin da perved-out mutha a sprang up far up in front o' tha others, whoz then rallied n' ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in faced tha Achaeans fo' realz. Aeneas speared Leiocritus lil hustla o' Arisbas, uh valiant follower o' Lycomedes, n' Lycomedes wuz moved wit pitizzle as da perved-out mutha a seen his fall; tha pimpin' mutha a therefore go close up, n' speared Apisaon son o' Hippasus shepherd o' his thugged-out lil' playas up in tha liver under tha midriff, so dat da ruffneck died; dat schmoooove mutha a had come from fertile Paeonia n' wuz tha dopest playa o' dem all afta Asteropaeus fo' realz. Asteropaeus flew forward ta avenge his n' battle tha Danaans yo, but dis might nahh longer be, inasmuch as dem bout Patroclus wuz well covered by dey shields, n' held dey spears up in front o' dem, fo' Ajax had given dem strict ordaz dat nahh playa wuz either ta give ground, or ta stand up 'bfoe tha others yo, but all wuz ta hold well together bout tha body n' fight hand ta hand. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Thus did big- Ajax bid dem, n' tha earf ran red wit blood as tha corpses fell tha fuq thick on one another alike on tha side o' tha Trojans n' allies, n' on dat o' da Danaans; fo' deez last, too, fought nahh bloodless fight though nuff fewer o' dem perished, all up in tha care dey took ta defend n' stand by one another.


Thus did dey fight as it wuz uh gangbangin' flamin fire; it seemed as though it had gone hard even wit tha sun n' moon, fo' dey wuz hidden ova all dat part where tha bravest heroes wuz fightin bout tha dead lil hustla o' Menoetius, whereas tha other Danaans n' Achaeans fought at dey ease in full daylight wit solid sunshine all round dem, n' dere wuz not uh cold- lil cloud ta be peeped neither on plain nor mountain. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. deez last moreover would rest fo' uh while n' leave off fighting, fo' dey wuz some distizzle apart n' beyond tha range o' one anotherz weapons, whereas dem playas whoz wuz up in tha thick o' tha fray suffered bof from battle n' darknizz fo' realz. All da dopest o' dem wuz bein worn up by tha pimped out weight o' dey armour, but tha two valiant heroes, Thrasymedes n' Antilochus, had not yet heard o' tha dirtnap o' Patroclus, n' believed his ta be still kickin it n' leadin da van against tha Trojans; dey wuz keepin theyselves up in reserve against da dirtnap or rout o' dey own comrades, fo' so Nestor had ordered when he busted dem from tha ships tha fuq into battle.


Thus all up in tha livelong dizzle did dey wage fierce war, n' tha sweat o' dey toil drizzled eva on dey hairy- legs under dem, n' on dey handz n' peeps, as dey fought ova tha squire o' tha fleet lil hustla o' Peleus. Dat shiznit wuz as when uh playa gives uh pimped out ox-hide all drenched up in fat ta his madness- s, an' bidz dem stretch it; whereon dey stand round it up in uh rang n' tug till tha moisture leaves it, n' tha fat soaks up in fo' tha nuff dat pull at it, n' it iz well stretched- even so did tha two sides tug tha dead body hither n' thither within tha comp o' but uh lil space- tha Trojans steadfastly set on drag in it tha fuq into Ilius, while tha Achaeans wuz nahh less so on takin it ta dey ships; n' fierce wuz tha fight between dem wild- mutha as. Not Mars his dirty tha lord o' hosts, nor yet Minerva, even up in dey fullest fury could make light o' such uh funky- battle.


Such fearful turmoil o' pimps n' horses did Jove on dat dizzle ordain round tha body o' Patroclus. Meanwhile, Achillez did not know dat dat schmoooove mutha a had fallen, fo' tha fight wuz under tha wall o' Troy uh long- way off tha ships.

 had nahh idea, therefore, dat Patroclus wuz dead, n' deemed dat he 

would return kickin it as soon as dat schmoooove mutha a had gone close up ta tha gates yo. knew dat da thug wuz not ta sack tha hood neither wit nor without his dirty, fo' his mutha had often holla'd at his dis when dat schmoooove mutha a had sat ridin' solo wit her, n' she had informed his o' tha counselz o' pimped out Jove. Now, however, dat freaky freaky biatch had not holla'd at his how tha fuq pimped out uh gangbangin' finger-lickin' disasta had befallen his up in tha dirtnap o' tha one whoz wuz far dearest ta his o' all his comrades.


Da others still kept on chargin one another round tha body wit they pointed spears n' cappin' each other n' sheeit. Then would one say, "muh motha in in playas, we's can never ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in show our faces all up in tha ships- bettah, n' pimped outly bettah, dat earf should open n' swallow our es here up in dis place, than dat we's should let tha Trojans gots tha triumph o' bearin off Patroclus ta dey city."


Da Trojans also on dey part wuz rappin ta one another sayin`, " s, though we's fall ta uh playa beside dis body, let none shrink from fighting." Wif such lyrics did dey exhort each other n' sheeit. dey fought n' fought, n' an iron clank rose all up in tha void air ta tha brazen vault o' heaven. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. Da horsez o' tha descendant o' Aeacus stood outta tha fight n' wept when dey heard dat dey driver had been laid low by tha hand o' murderous Hector fo' realz. Automedon, valiant lil hustla o' Diores, lashed dem ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in; many uh tyme did da perved-out mutha a drop uh rhyme kindly ta dem, n' nuff uh tyme did he upbraid dem yo, but dey would neither go back ta tha ships by tha wataz o' tha broad Hellespont, nor yet tha fuq into battle among tha Achaeans; dey stood wit they chariot stock still, as uh pillar set ova tha tomb o' some dead playa or biatch, n' bowed dey headz ta tha ground. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! tears fell tha fuq from dey peeps as dey mourned tha loss o' dey charioteer, n' dey noble manes drooped all wet from under tha yokestraps on either side tha yoke.


Da lil hustla o' Saturn seen dem n' took pitizzle upon dey sorrow yo. wagged his head, n' muttered ta his dirty, sayin`, "Skanky thangs, why did we's hit you wit ta Mackdaddy Peleus whoz be uh mortal, while yo iz yourselves ageless an' immortal, biatch? wuz it dat you might share tha sorrows dat befall mankind, biatch? fo' o' all creatures dat live n' move upon tha earf dere iz none so pitiable as he iz- still, Hector lil hustla o' Priam shall cruize neither you nor yo' chariot. ah'ma not gots dat sheeit. Well shiiiit, it iz enough dat da perved-out mutha a should gots tha armour ova which he vaunts so vainly. Furthermore ah'ma hit you wit strengf o' n' limb ta bear Automedon safely ta tha ships from battle, fo' ah shall let tha Trojans triumph still further, n' go on cappin' till dey reach tha ships; whereon night shall fall n' darknizz overshadow tha land."


As da perved-out mutha a wuz rappin his thugged-out lil' punk- breathed n' strengf tha fuq into tha horses so dat dey shook tha dust from outta dey manes, n' bore dey chariot swiftly into tha fight dat raged between Trojans n' Achaeans. Behind dem fought Automedon full o' sorrow fo' his comrade, as uh vulture amid uh gangbangin' flock o' geese n' you can put dat on yo' toast. In n' out, n' here n' dere, full speed da ruffneck dashed amid tha throng o' tha Trojans yo, but fo' all tha fury o' his thugged-out lil' pursuit he capped nahh, fo' he could not wield his spear n' keep his horses up in hand when ridin' solo up in da chariot; at last, however, uh cold- lil comrade, Alcimedon, lil hustla o' Laerces lil hustla o' Haemon caught sight o' his n' came up behind his chariot. "Automedon," said he, "what god has put dis folly tha fuq into yo' n' robbed you o' yo' right mind, dat you fight tha Trojans up in tha front rank single-handed, biatch?

 whoz  wuz yo' comrade iz slain, n' Hector plumes his dirty  on bein armed 

in tha armour o' tha descendant o' Aeacus."


Automedon lil hustla o' Diores answered, "Alcimedon, dere iz nahh one else who can control n' guide tha immortal steedz so well as you can, save only Patroclus- while da thug wuz kickin it- peer o' godz up in counsel. Take then da whip n' reins, while ah go down from tha hoopty n' fight.


Alcimedon sprang on ta tha chariot, n' caught up tha whip n' reins, while Automedon leaped from off tha `64. Shiiit, dis aint nahh joke. When Hector seen his he said ta Aeneas whoz wuz near him, "Aeneas, counsellor o' tha mail-clad Trojans, ah peep tha steedz o' tha fleet lil hustla o' Aeacus come tha fuq into battle wit weak handz ta cruize dem wild- mutha as. ah be sho, if you be thinkin well, dat we's might take dem; dey aint gonna dare grill our es if we's bof battle dem wild- mutha as."


Da valiant lil hustla o' Anchises waz o' tha same mind, n' tha pair go right on, wit dey shouldaz covered under shieldz o' tough dry ox-hide, overlaid wit much bronze. Chromius n' Aretus go also wit dem, n' dey hearts beat high wit hope dat dey might bust uh cap up in tha pimps an' capture tha horses- fools dat dey wuz, fo' dey wuz not ta return scatheless from dey meetin wit Automedon, whoz prayed ta daddy Jove an' wuz forthwif filled wit courage n' strengf aboundin yo. turned ta his cold- trusty comrade Alcimedon n' holla'd, "Alcimedon, keep yo' horses so close up dat ah may feel dey breaf upon mah back; ah doubt dat we's shall not stay Hector lil hustla o' Priam till dat schmoooove mutha a has capped our es n' mounted behind da horses; da thug will then either spread panic among tha rankz o' tha Achaeans, or his dirty be capped among tha foremost."


On dis his schmoooove cried up ta tha two Ajaxes n' Menelaus, "Ajaxes captains o' tha Argives, n' Menelaus, give tha dead body ova ta dem dat iz bomb able ta defend it, n' come ta tha rescue o' our es living; fo' Hector an' Aeneas whoz iz tha two dopest pimps among tha Trojans, iz pressin our es hard up in tha full tide o' war. Shiiit, dis aint nahh joke. Nevertheless tha issue lies on tha lap o' heaven, ah'ma therefore hurl mah spear n' leave tha rest ta Jove."


 poised n' hurled as da perved-out mutha a spoke, whereon tha spear struck tha 

round shield o' Aretus, n' go right all up in it fo' tha shield stayed it not, so dat dat shiznit wuz driven all up in his belt tha fuq into tha lower part o' his belly fo' realz. As when some sturdy youf, axe up in hand, deals his blow behind tha hornz o' uh ox n' severs tha tendons all up in tha back o' its neck so dat it springs forward n' then drops, even so did Aretus give one bound n' then fall on his back tha spear quiverin up in his body till it made uh end o' him yo. Hector then aimed uh spear at Automedon but da perved-out mutha a seen it comin n' stooped forward ta stay tha fuq away from it, so dat it flew past his n' tha point stuck up in tha ground, while tha booty-end go on quiverin till Mars robbed it o' its force. dey would then gots fought hand ta hand wit swordz had not tha two Ajaxes forced dey way all up in tha crowd when dey heard dey comrade calling, n' parted dem fo' all dey fury- fo' Hector, Aeneas, n' Chromius wuz afraid n' drew back, leavin Aretus ta lie dere struck ta tha . Automedon, peer o' fleet Mars, then stripped his o' his thugged-out armour n' vaunted ova his sayin`, "ah gots done lil ta uage mah sorrow fo' tha lil hustla o' Menoetius, fo' tha playa ah gots capped aint so phat as he wuz."


As da perved-out mutha a wuz rappin tha pimpin' mutha a took tha blood-stained spoils n' laid dem upon his chariot; then he mounted tha hoopty wit his handz n' feet all steeped in gore as uh lion dat has been gorgin upon uh funky- bull.


an' now tha fierce groanful fight ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in raged bout Patroclus, fo' Minerva came down from heaven n' roused its fury by tha command o' far-seein Jove, whoz had chizzled his madness- mind n' busted her ta encourage tha Danaans fo' realz. As when Jove bendz his bright bow up in heaven up in token ta mankind either o' war or o' tha chill storms dat stay pimps from dey labour n' plague tha flocks- even so, wrapped up in such radiant raiment, did Minerva go up in among tha host n' drop uh rhyme playa by playa ta each. First dat dunkadelic hoe took tha form an' voice o' Phoenix n' wuz rappin ta Menelaus lil hustla o' Atreus, whoz wuz standin near her n' sheeit. "Menelaus," holla'd she, "it iz ghon be shame n' dishonour ta you, if dawgs tear tha noble comrade o' Achillez under tha wallz o' Troy. Therefore be staunch, n' urge yo' pimps ta be all kindsa also."


Menelaus answered, "Phoenix, mah phat oldschool playa, may Minerva vouchsafe me strengf n' keep tha darts from off me, fo' so shall ah stand by Patroclus an' defend him; his in lil' dirtnap has gone ta mah yo, but Hector be as uh ragin fire n' deals his blows without ceasing, fo' Jove iz now grantin his uh tyme o' triumph."


Minerva wuz pleased at his havin named her mutha in 'bfoe any o' tha other gods. Therefore, she put strengf tha fuq into his knees n' shoulders, n' made his as bold as uh gangbangin' fly, which, though driven off will yet come ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in an' bite if it can, so dearly do it ludd manz blood- even so bold as dis here did she make his as da perved-out mutha a stood ova Patroclus n' threw his spear. Shiiit, dis aint nahh joke. Now dere wuz among tha Trojans uh playa named Podes, lil hustla o' Eetion, whoz wuz bof rich n' valiant yo. Hector held his up in tha highest honour fo' da thug wuz his comrade n' boon companion; tha spear o' Menelaus struck dis playa up in tha girdle just as dat schmoooove mutha a had turned up in flight, n' go right all up in his mutha in . Whereon he fell tha fuq heavily forward, n' Menelaus lil hustla o' Atreus drew off his body from da Trojans tha fuq into tha rankz o' his own s.


Apollo then go up ta Hector n' spurred his on ta fight, up in tha likenizz o' Phaenops lil hustla o' Asius whoz lived up in Abydos n' wuz da most thugged-out favoured o' all Hectorz guests, n' you can put dat on yo' toast. In his in likenizz Apollo holla'd, "Hector, who o' tha Achaeans will fear you henceforward now dat you gots quailed 'bfoe Menelaus whoz has eva been rated skankyly as uh soldier, biatch? Yet dat schmoooove mutha a has now gots uh cold- lil corpse away from tha Trojans single-handed, n' has slain yo' own legit comrade, uh playa brave among tha foremost, Podes lil hustla o' Eetion.


uh dark cloud o' grief fell tha fuq upon Hector as dat schmoooove mutha a heard, n' he made his way ta tha front clad up in full armour. Shiiit, dis aint nahh joke. Thereon tha lil hustla o' Saturn seized his bright told aegis, n' veiled Ida up in cloud: da perved-out mutha a busted forf his lightnings n' his cold- thunders, n' as da perved-out mutha a shook his thugged-out aegis he gave victory ta tha Trojans n' routed tha Achaeans.


Da panic wuz begun by Peneleos tha Boeotian, fo' while keepin his grill turned eva towardz tha foe dat schmoooove mutha a had been hit wit uh spear on tha upper part o' tha shoulder; uh spear thrown by Polydamas had grazed tha top o' tha bone, fo' Polydamas had come up ta his n' struck his from close at hand. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Then Hector up in close combat struck Leitus lil hustla o' noble Alectryon in tha hand by tha wrist, n' disabled his from fightin further n' shiznit yo. looked 'bouthis up in dismay, knowin dat never ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in should da thug wield spear up in battle wit tha Trojans. While Hector wuz up in pursuit o' Leitus, Idomeneus struck his on tha breastplate ova his chest near tha nipple; but tha spear broke up in tha shaft, n' tha Trojans hollared aloud. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Hector then aimed at Idomeneus lil hustla o' Deucalion as da thug wuz standin on his chariot, n' straight-up narrowly missed his yo, but tha spear hit Coiranus, uh gangbangin' follower n' charioteer o' Meriones whoz had come wit his from Lyctus. Idomeneus had left tha ships on foot n' would gots afforded uh pimped out triumph ta tha Trojans if Coiranus had not driven quickly up ta him, tha pimpin' mutha a therefore brought game n' rescue ta Idomeneus yo, but his dirty fell tha fuq by tha hand o' murderous Hector. Shiiit, dis aint nahh joke. fo' Hector hit his on tha jaw under tha ear; tha end o' tha spear drove up his cold- teef an' cut his cold- tongue up in two pieces, so dat he fell tha fuq from his chariot n' let tha reins fall ta tha ground. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Meriones gathered dem up from tha ground an' took dem tha fuq into his own hands, then da perved-out mutha a holla'd ta Idomeneus, "Lay on, till you git back ta tha ships, fo' you mus' peep dat tha dizzle iz nahh longer ours."


On dis Idomeneus lashed tha horses ta tha ships, fo' fear had taken hold upon his mutha in .


Ajax n' Menelaus noted how tha fuq Jove had turned tha scale up in favour o' tha Trojans, n' Ajax wuz first ta speak. "Alas," holla'd he, "even uh gangbangin' foo' may peep dat daddy Jove iz helpin tha Trojans fo' realz. All dey weapons strike home; nahh matta whether it be uh funky- brave playa or uh cold- lil coward dat hurls dem, Jove speedz all alike, whereas ours fall each one o' dem without effect. What, then, iz ghon be dopest bof as regardz rescuin tha body, n' our return ta tha joy o' our playaz whoz iz ghon be grievin as dey peep hitherwards; fo' dey will make shizzle dat not uh god damn thang can now check tha ty handz o' Hector, n' dat da thug will flin his dirty upon our ships. ah wish dat some one would go n' tell tha lil hustla o' Peleus at once, fo' ah aint thinkin he can gots yet heard tha ed up shizzle dat tha dearest o' his wild lil' playaz has fallen. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. But ah can peep not uh playa among tha Achaeans ta send, fo' dey n' dey chariots iz alike hidden up in darkness. O daddy Jove, lift dis cloud from ova tha lil playaz o' tha Achaeans; make heaven serene, n' let our es see; if you will dat we's perish, let our es fall at any rate by daylight."


Father Jove heard his n' had comboner upon his cold- tears. Forthwif he chased away tha cloud o' darkness, so dat tha sun shone up n' all da fightin wuz revealed. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Ajax then holla'd ta Menelaus, "peep, Menelaus, an' if Antilochus lil hustla o' Nestor be still living, bust his at once ta tell Achillez dat by far tha dearest ta his o' all his comrades has fallen."


Menelaus heeded his in lyrics n' go his way as uh lion from uh stockyard- da lion iz pissed wit comin' all up in tha pimps n' hounds, whoz keep peep tha whole night all up in n' aint gonna let his feast on tha fat o' dey herd. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! In his lust o' meat he make straight at dem but up in vain, fo' darts from phat handz ail him, n' burnin brandz which daunt his fo' all his hunger, so up in tha mornin da perved-out mutha a slinks sulkily away- even so did Menelaus sorely against his will leave Patroclus, up in pimped out fear lest tha Achaeans should be driven back up in rout n' let his fall tha fuq into tha handz o' tha foe yo. charged Meriones an' tha two Ajaxes straitly sayin`, "Ajaxes n' Meriones, leadaz o' tha Argives, now indeed remember how tha fuq phat Patroclus wuz; da thug wuz eva courteous while kickin it, bear it up in mind now dat he iz dead as in fried chickn n` corn bread."


Wif dis Menelaus left dem, lookin round his as keenly as uh eagle, whose sight dey say iz keener than dat o' any other bird- however high he may be up in tha heavens, not uh hare dat runs can escape his by crouchin under bush or thicket, fo' da thug will swoop down upon it n' cook up uh end o' it- even so, O Menelaus, did yo' keen peeps range round tha mighty host o' yo' followers ta peep if you could find tha lil hustla o' Nestor still kickin dat sheeit, yo. Presently Menelaus seen his on tha off tha hook left o' tha battle cheerin on his pimps n' exhortin dem ta fight boldly. Menelaus go up ta his n' said, "Antilochus, come here n' dig ed up hype, which ah would indeed wuz untrue. Yo mus' peep wit yo' own peeps dat heaven iz heapin calamitizzle upon tha Danaans, n' givin victory ta tha Trojans. Patroclus has fallen, who wuz tha bravest o' tha Achaeans, n' sorely will tha Danaans miss his mutha in . Run instantly ta tha ships n' tell Achilles, dat he may come ta rescue da body n' bear it ta tha ships fo' realz. As fo' tha armour, Hector already has it."


Antilochus wuz struck wit horror. Shiiit, dis aint nahh joke. fo' uh long- tyme da thug wuz speechless; his peeps filled wit tears n' his schmoooove could find nahh utterizzle yo, but da ruffneck did as Menelaus had holla'd, n' set off hustlin as soon as dat schmoooove mutha a had given his thugged-out armour ta uh cold- lil comrade, Laodocus, whoz wuz wheelin his horses round, close beside him.


Thus, then, did he run weepin from tha field, ta carry tha ty shizzle ta Achillez lil hustla o' Peleus. Nor wuz you, O Menelaus, minded ta succour his hared comrades, when Antilochus had left tha Pylians- n' pimped outly did dey miss him- but da perved-out mutha a busted dem noble Thrasymedes, n' his dirty go back ta Patroclus yo. came hustlin up ta tha two Ajaxes n' holla'd, "ah gots sent Antilochus ta tha ships ta tell Achillez yo, but rage against Hector as he may, his schmoooove cannot come, fo' his schmoooove cannot fight without armour. Shiiit, dis aint nahh joke. What then will be our dopest plan bof as regardz rescuin tha dead, n' our own escape from dirtnap amid tha battle-criez o' tha Trojans?"


Ajax answered, "Menelaus, you gots holla'd well: do you, then, n' Meriones stoop down, raise tha body, n' bear it outta tha fray, while we's two behind you keep off Hector n' tha Trojans, one up in as up in name, an' long used ta fightin side by side wit one another."


On dis Menelaus n' Meriones took tha dead playa up in dey arms n' lifted his high aloft wit uh pimped out effort. Da Trojan host raised uh hue an' cry behind dem when dey seen tha Achaeans bearin tha body away, n' flew afta dem like houndz comin' at uh wounded boar all up in tha loo o' uh funky- crew o' lil' huntsmen. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. fo' uh while tha houndz fly at his as though dey would tear his up in pieces yo, but now n' ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in tha pimpin' mutha a turns on dem up in uh gangbangin' fury, scarin an' scatterin dem up in all directions- even so did tha Trojans fo' uh while charge up in uh funky- body, strikin wit sword n' wit spears pointed ai bof tha endz yo, but when tha two Ajaxes faced dem n' stood at bay, dey would turn pale n' nahh playa dared press on ta fight further bout tha dead.


In dis wise did tha two heroes strain every last mutha in nerve ta bear tha body ta tha ships outta tha fight. Da battle raged round dem like fierce flames dat when once kindled spread like wildfire ova uh cold- lil hood, n' tha houses fall up in tha glare o' its burning- even such wuz tha roar n' tramp o' pimps n' horses dat pursued dem as dey bore Patroclus from tha field. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Or as mulez dat put forf all dey strengf ta draw some beam or pimped out piece o' shipz timber down uh rough mountain-track, n' dey pant n' sweat as dey, go even so did Menelaus n' pant n' sweat as dey bore tha body o' Patroclus. Behind dem tha two Ajaxes held stoutly up fo' realz. As some wooded mountain-spur dat stretches across uh plain will turn wata n' check tha flow even o' uh pimped out river, nor iz dere any stream phat enough ta break all up in it- even so did tha two Ajaxes grill tha Trojans n' stern tha tide o' dey fightin though dey kept pourin on towardz dem n' foremost among dem all wuz Aeneas lil hustla o' Anchises wit valiant Hector fo' realz. As uh gangbangin' flock o' daws or starlings fall ta beatboxin n' chatterin when dey peep uh gangbangin' falcon, foe ta ah'll lil' small- birds, come soarin near dem, even so did tha Achaean youf raise uh funky- babel o' cries as dey fled 'bfoe Aeneas n' Hector, unmindful o' dey forma prowess. In tha rout o' tha Danaans much goodly armour fell round bout tha trench, n' o' fightin dere wuz nahh end.

Book 18: Da Greekz o' Ga'Hoole Edit

Thus then did dey fight as it wuz uh gangbangin' flamin fire. Meanwhile, tha fleet runner Antilochus, whoz had been busted as messenger, reached Achilles, n' found his chillin by his cold- tall ships n' bodin dat which wuz indeed too surely true. "Alas," holla'd tha pimpin' mutha a ta his dirty up in tha heavinizz o' his thugged-out, "why iz tha Achaeans ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in scourin tha plain n' flockin towardz tha ships, biatch? Heaven grant tha godz be not now brangin dat sorrow upon me o' which mah mutha Thetis spoke, sayin dat while ah wuz yet kickin it tha bravest o' tha Myrmidons should fall 'bfoe tha Trojans, n' peep tha light o' tha sun nahh longer n' sheeit. ah fear tha brave lil hustla o' Menoetius has fallen all up in his own darin n' yet ah bade his return ta tha ships as soon as dat schmoooove mutha a had driven back dem dat wuz brangin fire against dem, n' not join battle wit Hector."


As da thug wuz thus pondering, tha lil hustla o' Nestor came up ta his n' told his ed up tale, weepin bitterly tha while. "Alas," his schmoooove cried, "son o' noble Peleus, ah brang you ty tidings, would indeed dat dey wuz untrue. Patroclus has fallen, n' uh gangbangin' fight iz ragin bout his naked body- fo' Hector holdz his thugged-out armour."


uh dark cloud o' grief fell tha fuq upon Achillez as he listened. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! filled bof handz wit dust from off tha ground, n' poured it ova his head, disfigurin his comely face, n' lettin tha refuse settle ova his hoodie so fair n' freshly smoked up yo. flung his dirty down all big- n' hugely at full lengf, an' tore his afro wit his hands. Da bondswomen whom Achillez n' Patroclus had taken captizzle screamed aloud fo' grief, whoopin dey titties, n' wif dey limbs failin dem fo' sorrow fo' realz. Antilochus bent ova his tha while, weepin n' holdin bof his handz as he lay groanin fo' he feared dat he might plunge uh shank tha fuq into his own throat. Then Achillez gave uh loud cry n' his madness- mutha heard his as dat biiiiatch wuz chillin up in tha depthz o' tha sea by tha oldschool playa her father, whereon her big- booty screamed, n' all tha goddesses daughtaz o' Nereus dat dwelt all up in tha bottom o' tha sea, came gatherin round her n' sheeit. dere wuz Glauce, Thalia n' Cymodoce, Nesaia, Speo, thoe n' dark-eyed Halie, Cymothoe, Actaea n' Limnorea, Melite, Iaera, Amphithoe an' Agave, Doto n' Proto, Pherusa n' Dynamene, Dexamene, Amphinome n' Callianeira, Doris, Panope, n' tha hyped sea-nymph Galatea, Nemertes, Apseudes n' Calliana. dere wuz also Clymene, Ianeira n' Iana, Maera, Oreithuia n' Amatheia o' tha ghettofab locks, wit other Nereidz whoz dwell up in tha depthz o' tha sea. Da crystal cave wuz filled wit dey multitude n' dey all beat dey titties while Thetis hustled dem up in dey lament.


"Listen," dat thugged-out biiiatch cried, "sisters, daughtaz o' Nereus, dat you may hear tha burden o' mah sorrows fo' realz. Alas, woe iz me, woe up in dat ah gots borne da most thugged-out gloriouz o' offspring. ah bore his fair n' strong, pimp among heroes, n' da perved-out mutha a blasted up as uh sapling; ah tended his as uh plant up in uh goodly garden, n' busted his wit his ships ta Ilius ta fight tha Trojans yo, but never shall ah welcome his back ta tha doggy den o' Peleus. Right back up in yo mutha in . So long as he lives ta peep upon tha light o' tha sun he iz up in heaviness, n' though ah git all up in him ah cannot he`p his mutha in . Nevertheless ah'ma go, dat ah may peep mah dear lil hustla an' learn what tha fuq sorrow has befallen his though he iz still holdin aloof from battle."


beotch left tha cave as her big- booty spoke, while tha others followed weepin afta, n' tha waves opened uh paf 'bfoe dem wild- mutha as. When dey reached tha rich plain o' Troy, dey came up outta tha sea up in uh long- line on ta tha sands, at tha place where tha shipz o' tha Myrmidons wuz drawn up in close order round tha tentz o' Achillez yo. His mutha go up ta his as he lay groaning; she laid her hand upon his head n' wuz rappin piteously, sayin`, "muh motha in in son, why is you thus weeping, biatch? What sorrow has now befallen yo slick , biatch? Tell me; hide it not from mah dirty . Right back up in yo mutha in . Surely Jove has granted you tha prayer you made him, when you lifted up yo' handz n' besought his dat tha Achaeans might all o' dem be pent up at dey ships, n' rue it bitterly up in dat you wuz nahh longer wit dem wild- mutha as."


Achillez groaned n' answered, "motha, Olympian Jove has indeed vouchsafed mah madness tha fulfilment o' mah prayer yo, but what tha fuq boots it ta me, seein dat mah dear comrade Patroclus has fallen- da thug whom ah valued mo' than all others, n' loved as dearly as mah own game, biatch? ah gots lost him; aye, n' Hector when dat schmoooove mutha a had capped his stripped tha wondrous armour, so glorious ta behold, which tha godz gave ta Peleus when dey laid you up in tha couch o' uh mortal

. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. Would dat you wuz still dwellin among tha immortal sea-nymphs, 

an' dat Peleus had taken ta his dirty some mortal bride. fo' now you shall gots grief infinite by reason o' tha dirtnap o' dat lil hustla whom you can never welcome home- nay, ah'ma not live nor go bout among mankind unless Hector fall by mah spear, n' thus pay me fo' havin slain Patroclus lil hustla o' Menoetius."


Thetis wept n' answered, "Then, mah son, iz yo' end near at hand- fo' yo' own dirtnap awaits you full soon afta dat o' Hector."


Then holla'd Achillez up in his wild lil' freakadelic pimped out grief, "ah would take uh thugged-out dirtnap here n' now, in dat ah could not save mah comrade yo. has fallen far from home, n' up in his minute o' need mah hand wuz not dere ta he`p his mutha in . What tha fuq iz dere fo' me son, biatch? Return ta mah own land ah shall not, n' ah gots brought nahh savin neither ta Patroclus nor ta mah other comradez o' whom all kindsa mutha in done been slain by mighty Hector; ah stay here by mah ships uh funky- bootless burden upon tha earf, ah, whoz up in fight gots nahh peer among tha Achaeans, though up in council dere is betta than ah. Therefore, perish strife bof from among godz n' s, an' anger, wherein even uh righteous playa will harden his heart- which rises up up in tha o' uh playa like smoke, n' tha taste thereof iz dopea than dropz o' honey. Even so has Agamemnon angered mah dirty fo' realz. an' yet- so be it, fo' it iz ova; ah'ma force mah tha fuq into subjection as ah needz mus'; ah'ma go; ah'ma pursue Hector whoz has slain his whom ah loved so dearly, n' will then abide mah doom when it may please Jove n' tha other godz ta bust it. Even Hercules, tha dopest beloved o' Jove- even his schmoooove could not escape tha hand o' dirtnap yo, but fate n' Junoz fierce anger laid his low, as ah too shall lie when ah be dead if uh like doom awaits mah dirty . Till then ah'ma win fame, n' will bid Trojan n' Dardanian dem hoes wrin tears from dey tender cheeks wit bof dey handz up in tha grievousnizz o' dey pimped out sorrow; thus shall dey know dat da thug whoz has held aloof so long will hold aloof nahh longer n' shiznit yo. Hold mah madness not back, therefore, up in tha ludd you bear me, fo' you shall not move mah dirty ."


Then silver-footed Thetis answered, "muh motha in in son, what tha fuq you gots holla'd iz true. Well shiiiit, it iz well ta save yo' comrades from destruction yo, but yo' armour iz up in tha handz o' tha Trojans; Hector bears it up in triumph upon his own shoulders. Full well ah know dat his vaunt shall not be lasting, fo' his end iz close at hand; go not, however, tha fuq into tha press o' battle till you see me return hither; ta-morrow at break o' dizzle ah shall be here, n' will brin you goodly armour from Mackdaddy Vulcan."


On dis she left her brave son, n' as dat dunkadelic hoe turned away her big- booty holla'd ta tha sea-nymphs her sisters, "Dive tha fuq into tha bosom o' tha sea n' git all up in da doggy den o' tha oldschool sea-god mah daddy n' sheeit. Tell his every last mutha in thang; as fo' me, ah'ma git all up in tha cunnin workman Vulcan on high Olympus, n' ax his ta provide mah lil hustla wit uh suit o' fly armour."


When dat freaky freaky biatch had so holla'd, dey dived forthwif beneaf tha waves, while silver-footed Thetis go her way dat she might brang tha armour fo' her son.


Thus, then, did her feet bear tha goddess ta Olympus, n' meanwhile da Achaeans wuz flyin wit bangin cries 'bfoe murderous Hector till dey reached tha ships n' tha Hellespont, n' dey could not draw tha body o' Marss servant Patroclus outta reach o' tha weapons dat wuz showered upon him, fo' Hector lil hustla o' Priam wit his host n' horsemen had ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in caught up ta his like tha flame o' uh gangbangin' fiery furnace; thrice did brave Hector seize his by tha feet, strivin wit might n' main ta draw his away n' callin loudly on tha Trojans, n' thrice did tha two Ajaxes, clothed up in valour as wit uh garment, beat his from off tha body; but all undaunted he would now charge tha fuq into tha thick o' tha fight, n' now ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in da thug would stand still n' cry aloud yo, but da thug would give nahh ground. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! As upland shepherdz dat cannot chase some famished lion from uh cold- lil carcase, even so could not da two Ajaxes scare Hector lil hustla o' Priam from tha body o' Patroclus.


an' now da thug would even gots dragged it off n' gots won imperishable glory, had not Iris fleet as tha wind, winged her way as messenger from Olympus ta tha lil hustla o' Peleus n' bidden his arm. Right back up in yo mutha in . Biatch came secretly without da knowledge o' Jove n' o' tha other gods, fo' Juno busted her, n' when she had gots close ta his her big- booty holla'd, "Up, lil hustla o' Peleus, mightiest o' all mankind; rescue Patroclus bout whom dis fearful fight iz now ragin by da ships. s iz cappin' one another, tha Danaans up in defence o' tha dead body, while tha Trojans iz tryin ta hale it away, n' take it ta wind Ilius: Hector iz da most thugged-out furiouz o' dem all; he iz fo' cuttin tha head from tha body n' fixin it on tha stakez o' tha wall. Up, then, n' bide here nahh longer; shrink from tha thought dat Patroclus may become meat fo' tha dawgz o' Troy. Right back up in yo mutha in . Shame on you, should his body suffer any kind o' outrage."


an' Achillez holla'd, "Iris, which o' tha godz wuz it dat busted you ta me son?"


Iris answered, "Dat shiznit wuz Juno tha royal spouse o' Jove yo, but tha lil hustla o' Saturn do not know o' mah coming, nor yet do any other o' tha immortals who dwell on tha snowy summitz o' Olympus."


Then fleet Achillez answered her sayin`, "How tha fuq can ah go up tha fuq into da battle, biatch? dey gots mah armour. Shiiit, dis aint nahh joke. muh motha in in mutha forbade me ta arm till ah should see her come, fo' she promised ta brang me goodly armour from Vulcan; ah know nahh playa whose arms ah can put on, save only tha shield o' Ajax lil hustla o' Telamon, n' da perved-out mutha a surely mus' be fightin up in tha front rank n' wieldin his spear bout tha body o' dead Patroclus."


Iris holla'd, 'we's know dat yo' armour has been taken yo, but go as yo iz; git all up in tha deep trench n' show yourelf 'bfoe tha Trojans, dat dey may fear you n' cease fighting. Thus will tha faintin lil playaz o' tha Achaeans bust some brief breathing-tyme, which up in battle may hardly be."


Iris left his when dat freaky freaky biatch had so spoken. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. But Achillez dear ta Jove arose, n' Minerva flung her told aegis round his thugged-out lil' phat shoulders; she crowned his head wit uh halo o' golden cloud from which she kindled uh glow o' gleamin fire fo' realz. As tha smoke dat goes up tha fuq into heaven from some citizzle dat iz bein beleaguered on uh island far up at sea- all dizzle long do pimps sally from tha hood n' fight dey hardest, n' all up in tha goin down o' tha sun tha line o' beacon-fires blazes forf, flarin high fo' dem dat dwell near dem ta behold, if so be dat dey may come wit dey ships n' succour dem- even so did tha light flare from tha head o' Achilles, as da perved-out mutha a stood by tha trench, goin beyond tha wall- but he aid not join tha Achaeans fo' dat schmoooove mutha a heeded tha charge which his madness- mutha laid upon him.


dere did da perved-out mutha a stand n' shout aloud. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Minerva also raised her voice from afar, n' spread terror unspeakable among tha Trojans. Ringin as da note o' uh trumpet dat soundz alarm then tha foe be all up in tha gatez o' uh hood, even so brazen wuz tha voice o' tha lil hustla o' Aeacus, n' when tha Trojans heard its clarion tones dey wuz dismayed; tha horses turned back wif dey chariots fo' dey boded mischizzle, n' dey drivers wuz awe-struck by tha steady flame which tha grey-eyed goddess had kindled above tha head o' tha pimped out lil hustla o' Peleus.


Thrice did Achillez raise his bangin cry as da perved-out mutha a stood by tha trench, an' thrice wuz tha Trojans n' dey brave allies thrown tha fuq into mad drama; whereon twelve o' dey noblest champions fell tha fuq beneaf tha wheelz o' dey chariots n' perished by dey own spears. Da Achaeans ta dey pimped out joy then drew Patroclus outta reach o' tha weapons, n' laid his on uh litter: his comrades stood mournin round him, n' among dem fleet Achillez who wept bitterly as da perved-out mutha a seen his in legit comrade lyin dead upon his bier n' sheeit.

 had busted his  up wit horses n' chariots tha fuq into battle yo, but his bangin return 

he wuz not ta welcome.


Then Juno busted tha busy sun, lof though da thug wuz, tha fuq into tha watas o' Oceanus; so da perved-out mutha a set, n' tha Achaeans had rest from tha tug n' turmoil o' war.


Now tha Trojans when dey had come outta tha fight, unyoked dey horses n' gathered up in embly 'bfoe preparin dey supper n' sheeit. dey kept they feet, nor would any dare ta sit tha fuq down, fo' fear had fallen upon dem all cuz Achillez had shown his dirty afta havin held aloof so long from battle. Polydamas lil hustla o' Panthous wuz first ta speak, uh playa o' judgement, who ridin' solo among dem could peep bof 'bfoe n' afta n' shiznit yo. wuz comrade ta Hector, n' dey had been born upon tha same night; wit all sinceritizzle an' goodwill, therefore, he addressed dem thus:-


"peep ta it well, mah playas; ah would urge you ta go back now ta yo' hood n' not wait here by tha ships till morning, fo' we's iz far from our walls. Right back up in yo mutha in . So long as dis playa wuz at enmitizzle wit Agamemnon tha Achaeans wuz easier ta deal wif, n' ah would gots gladly camped by tha ships up in da hope o' takin dem; but now ah go up in pimped out fear o' tha fleet lil hustla o' Peleus; he iz so darin dat he aint NEVER gonna bide here on tha plain whereon da Trojans n' Achaeans fight wit equal valour yo, but da thug will try ta storm our hood n' carry off our dem hoes. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. Do then as ah say, n' let our es retreat. fo' dis iz what tha fuq will happen. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. Da darknizz o' night will fo' uh tyme stay da lil hustla o' Peleus yo, but if he find our es here up in tha mornin when da perved-out mutha a sallies forf up in full armour, we's shall gots knowledge o' his up in phat earnest. Glad indeed will his thugged-out lil' punk- be whoz can escape n' git back ta Ilius, n' nuff uh Trojan will become meat fo' dawgs n' vultures may ah never live ta hear dat sheeit. If we's do as ah say, lil though we's may like it, we's shall gots strengf up in counsel durin tha night, n' tha pimped out gates wit tha doors dat close dem will protect tha hood fo' realz. At dawn we's can arm n' take our stand on tha walls; da thug will then rue it if da perved-out mutha a sallies from tha ships ta fight our es yo. will go back when dat schmoooove mutha a has given his horses dey fill o' bein driven all whithers under our walls, n' iz ghon be up in nahh mind ta try n' force his way into tha hood. Neither will he eva sack it, dawgs shall devour his ere he do so."


Hector looked fiercely at his n' answered, "Polydamas, yo' lyrics is not ta mah likin up in dat you bid our es go back n' be pent within tha citizzle yo. Has you done not had enough o' bein cooped up behind walls, biatch? In tha old-days da hood o' Priam wuz hyped tha whole ghetto ova fo' its wealf o' gold an' bronze yo, but our treasures iz wasted outta our houses, n' much loot gots been sold away ta Phrygia n' fair Meonia, fo' tha hand o' Jove has been laid heavily upon us. Now, therefore, dat tha lil hustla o' schemin Saturn has vouchsafed mah madness ta win glory here n' ta hem tha Achaeans up in at dey ships, prate nahh mo' up in dis foolz wise among tha s. Yo gonna git nahh playa wit you; it shall not be; do all o' y'all as ah now say;- take yo' suppers up in yo' g-units all up in tha host, n' keep yo' watches n' be wakeful every last mutha in playa o' you, biatch. If any Trojan iz uneasy bout his thugged-out lil' possessions, let his gather dem n' give dem up among tha s. Betta let deez,

than tha Achaeans, gots dem wild- mutha as fo' realz. At daybreak we's will arm n' fight 

'bouttha ships; granted dat Achillez has ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in come forward ta defend dem, let it be as da thug will yo, but it shall go hard wit his mutha in . ah shall not shun his yo, but will fight him, ta fall or conquer n' sheeit. Da god o' war deals out like measure ta all, n' tha slayer may yet be slain."


Thus wuz rappin Hector; n' tha Trojans, fools dat dey wuz, shouted in applause, fo' Pallas Minerva had robbed dem o' dey understanding. dey gave ear ta Hector wit his wild lil' in evil counsel yo, but tha wise lyrics o' Polydamas nahh playa would heed. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! dey took dey supper all up in tha host, n' meanwhile all up in tha whole night tha Achaeans mourned Patroclus, n' tha lil hustla o' Peleus hustled dem up in dey lament yo. laid his madness- murderous handz upon tha tittie o' his comrade, groanin ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in as uh funky- bearded lion when uh playa whoz wuz chasin deer has robbed his o' his in lil' up in some dense forest; when da lion comes back he iz furious, n' searches dingle n' dell ta track da hunta if his schmoooove can find him, fo' he iz mad wit rage- even so wit nuff uh bust uh funky- big- fart did Achillez drop uh rhyme among tha Myrmidons sayin`, "Alas mutha a! vain wuz da lyrics wit which ah hollared tha pimp Menoetius up in his own crib; ah holla'd dat ah would brang his brave lil hustla back ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in ta Opoeis afta dat schmoooove mutha a had sacked Ilius n' taken his share o' tha spoils- but Jove do not give all pimps they heartz desire. Da same soil shall be reddened here at Troy by tha blood o' our es bof, fo' ah too shall never be welcomed home by tha oldschool knight Peleus, nor by mah mutha Thetis yo, but even up in dis place shall tha earf cover mah dirty . Nevertheless, O Patroclus, now dat ah be left behind you, ah'ma not bury you, till ah gots brought hither tha head n' armour o' mighty Hector whoz has slain you, biatch. Twelve noble lil playaz o' Trojans will ah behead 'bfoe yo' bier ta avenge you; till ah gots done so you shall lie as yo iz by da ships, n' fair dem hoez o' Troy n' Dardanus, whom our madness es gots taken wit spear n' strengf o' arm when we's sacked menz goodly ghettos, shall weep ova you bof night n' day."


Then Achillez holla'd at his madness- pimps ta set uh big- tripod upon tha fire dat dey might wash tha clotted gore from off Patroclus. Thereon dey set uh tripod full o' baf wata on ta uh cold- lil clear fire: dey threw sticks on ta it ta make it blaze, n' tha wata became bangin' as tha flame played bout da belly o' tha tripod. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! When tha wata up in tha cauldron wuz boilin dey washed tha body, anointed it wit oil, n' closed its woundz wit ointment dat had been kept nine years. Then dey laid it on uh funky- bier n' covered it wit uh linen clof from head ta foot, n' ova dis dey laid uh gangbangin' fair whitey robe. Thus all night long did tha Myrmidons gather round Achillez ta mourn Patroclus.


Then Jove holla'd ta Juno his sister-beotch, "So, Biatch Juno, you gots gained yo' end, n' gots roused fleet Achilles. One would be thinkin dat tha Achaeans waz o' yo' own flesh n' blood."


an' Juno answered, "Dread lil hustla o' Saturn, why should you say dis thin`, biatch? May not uh playa though his thugged-out lil' punk- be only mortal n' knows less than our phat es do, do what tha fuq his schmoooove can fo' another, biatch? an' shall not ah- foremost o' all goddesses bof by descent n' as hoe ta you whoz reign up in heaven- devise evil fo' da Trojans if ah be mad salty wit dem?"


Thus did dey converse. Meanwhile Thetis came ta tha doggy den o' Vulcan, imperishable, star-bespangled, fairest o' tha abodes up in heaven, uh doggy den o' bronze wrought by tha ty godz own hands. Right back up in yo mutha in . Biatch found his busy wit his bellows, sweatin n' hard at werk, fo' da thug wuz makin tweny tripodz dat wuz ta stand by tha wall o' his crib, n' da perved-out mutha a set wheelz o' gold under dem all dat dey might go o' dey own selves ta tha emblies o' tha gods, n' come back ag'in- marvels indeed ta see. dey wuz finished all but tha earz o' cunnin workmanshizzle which yet remained ta be fixed ta dem: deez da thug wuz now fixing, n' da thug wuz hammerin all up in tha rivets, n' you can put dat on yo' toast. While he wuz thus at werk silver-footed Thetis came ta tha crib. Charis, o' graceful head-dress, hoe ta tha far-famed ty god, came towardz her as soon as her big- booty seen her, n' took her hand up in her own, sayin`, "Why gots you come ta our crib, Thetis, honoured n' eva welcome- fo' you do not visit us often, biatch? Come inside n' let me set refreshment 'bfoe you."


Da goddess hustled tha way as her big- booty spoke, n' bade Thetis sit on uh richly decorated seat inlaid wit silver; dere wuz uh gangbangin' footstool also under her Nikes. Then dat thugged-out biiiatch called Vulcan n' holla'd, "Vulcan, come here, Thetis wants you"; n' tha far-famed ty god answered, "Then it iz indeed uh august an' honoured goddess whoz has come here; her dope dat shiznit wuz dat took care o' me when ah wuz sufferin from tha heavy fall which ah had all up in mah wack motherz anger- fo' dat biiiiatch would gots gots rid o' me cuz ah wuz lame. Well shiiiit, it would gots gone hardly wit me had not Eurynome, daughta o' tha ever-encirclin watas o' Oceanus, n' Thetis, taken me ta dey bosom. Nine mutha in years did ah stay wif dem, n' nuff dope werkz up in bronze, brooches, spiral armlets, cups, n' chains, did ah make fo' dem up in dey cave, wit tha roarin watas o' Oceanus foamin as dey rushed eva past it; n' nahh one knew, neither o' godz nor s, save only Thetis n' Eurynome whoz took care o' mah dirty . If, then, Thetis has come ta mah doggy den ah mus' make her due requital fo' havin saved me; entertain her, therefore, wit all hospitizzleity, while ah put by muh motha in bellows n' all mah tools."


On dis tha mighty monsta hobbled off from his thugged-out anvil, his cold- thin legs plyin lustily under his mutha in yo. set tha bellows away from tha fire, n' gathered his cold- tools tha fuq into uh silver chest. Then tha pimpin' mutha a took uh sponge n' washed his grill n' hands, his shaggy chest n' brawny neck; da ruffneck donned his shirt, grasped his thugged-out lil' phat staff, n' limped towardz tha do'. Shiiit, dis aint nahh joke. dere wuz golden handmaidz also whoz hit dat shiznit fo' him, n' wuz like real lil' dem hoes, wit sense n' reason, voice also n' strengf, n' all tha peepin' o' tha immortals; deez busied theyselves as tha mackdaddy bade dem, while da ruffneck drew near ta Thetis, seated her upon uh goodly seat, n' took her hand up in his own, sayin`, "Why gots you come ta our crib, Thetis honoured n' eva welcome- fo' you do not visit our es often, biatch? Say what tha fuq you wants, n' ah'ma do it fo' you at once if ah can, n' if it can be done at all."


Thetis wept n' answered, "Vulcan, iz dere another goddess up in Olympus whom tha lil hustla o' Saturn has been pleased ta try wit so much affliction as dat schmoooove mutha a has me son, biatch? Me ridin' solo o' tha marine goddesses did he make subject ta uh mortal homeboy, Peleus lil hustla o' Aeacus, n' sorely against mah will did ah submit ta tha embracez o' one whoz wuz but mortal, n' whoz now stays at home worn up wit age. Neither iz dis all yo. Heaven vouchsafed mah madness uh son, hero among heroes, n' da perved-out mutha a blasted up as uh sapling. ah tended his as uh plant in uh goodly garden n' busted his wit his ships ta Ilius ta fight tha Trojans, but never shall ah welcome his back ta tha doggy den o' Peleus. Right back up in yo mutha in . So long as he lives ta peep upon tha light o' tha sun, he iz up in heaviness, n' though ah git all up in his ah cannot he`p him; Mackdaddy Agamemnon has made his give up tha maiden whom tha lil playaz o' tha Achaeans had awarded him, n' da thug wastes wit sorrow fo' her sake. Then tha Trojans hemmed tha Achaeans up in at dey ships' sterns n' would not let dem come forf; tha elders, therefore, o' tha Argives besought Achillez n' offered his pimped out treasure, whereon he refused ta brang deliverizzle ta dem his dirty yo, but put his own armour on Patroclus an' busted his tha fuq into tha fight wit much playas afta his mutha in fo' realz. All dizzle long dey fought by tha Scaean gates n' would gots taken tha hood dere n' then, had not Apollo vouchsafed glory ta Hector n' slain tha valiant lil hustla o' Menoetius afta dat schmoooove mutha a had done tha Trojans much evil. Therefore, ah be suppliant at yo' knees if haply you may be pleased ta provide mah son, whose end iz near at hand, wit helmet n' shield, wit goodly greaves fitted wit ancle-clasps, n' wit uh funky- breastplate, fo' he lost his own when his in legit comrade fell tha fuq all up in tha handz o' tha Trojans, n' he now lies stretched on earf up in tha bitternizz o' his thugged-out ."


an' Vulcan answered, "Take , n' be nahh mo' disquieted bout dis here matter; would dat ah could hide his from dirtnapz sight when his madness- minute iz come, so surely as ah can find his armour dat shall amaze tha eyez o' all whoz behold dat sheeit."


When dat schmoooove mutha a had so holla'd he left her n' go ta his bellows, turnin dem towardz tha fire n' biddin dem do dey crib. tweny bellows blew upon tha melting-pots, n' dey blew blastz o' every last mutha in kind, some fierce ta he`p his when dat schmoooove mutha a had need o' dem, n' others less phat as Vulcan willed it up in tha course o' his werk yo. threw tough copper tha fuq into tha fire, an' tin, wit silver n' gold; da perved-out mutha a set his wild lil' freakadelic pimped out anvil on its block, n' wif one hand grasped his madness- mighty hammer while tha pimpin' mutha a took tha tongs up in tha other.


First da perved-out mutha a shaped tha shield so pimped out n' strong, adornin all dat shiznit ova n' bindin it round wit uh gleamin circuit up in three layers; n' da baldric wuz made o' silver n' shiznit yo. made tha shield up in five thicknesses, an' wit nuff uh wonder did his cunnin hand enrich dat sheeit.


 wrought tha earf, tha heavens, n' tha sea; tha moon also at 

her full n' tha untirin sun, wit all tha signs dat glorify tha grill o' heaven- tha Pleiads, tha Hyads, big- Orion, n' tha Bear, which pimps also page tha Wain n' which turns round eva up in one place, facing. Orion, an' ridin' solo never dips tha fuq into tha stream o' Oceanus.


 wrought also two ghettos, fair ta peep n' busy wit tha hum o' 
s. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. In tha one wuz weddings n' wedding-feasts, n' dey wuz goin bout 

da hood wit brides whom dey wuz escortin by torchlight from dey chambers. Loud rose tha cry o' Hymen, n' tha youths danced ta tha noize o' flute n' lyre, while tha dem hoes stood each at her doggy den do' ta peep dem.


Meanwhile, tha playas wuz gathered up in embly, fo' dere wuz uh quarrel, n' two pimps wuz wranglin bout tha blood-money fo' uh playa whoz had been capped, tha one sayin 'bfoe tha playas dat dat schmoooove mutha a had paid damages in full, n' tha other dat dat schmoooove mutha a had not been paid. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Each wuz tryin ta make his own case pimp-tight, n' tha playas took sides, each playa backin tha side dat dat schmoooove mutha a had taken; but tha heraldz kept dem back, n' tha eldaz sate on dey seatz o' stone up in uh solemn circle, holdin tha staves which tha heraldz had put tha fuq into dey hands. Then dey rose n' each up in his cold- turn gave judgement, n' dere wuz two talents laid down, ta be given ta his whose judgement should be deemed tha fairest.


Bout tha other hood dere lay encamped two hosts up in gleamin armour, an' dey wuz divided whether ta sack it, or ta spare it n' accept tha half o' what tha fuq it contained. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! But tha pimpz o' tha hood would not yet consent, an' armed theyselves fo' uh surprise; dey wives n' lil lil pimps kept guard upon tha walls, n' wit dem wuz tha pimps whoz wuz past fightin all up in age; but tha others sallied forf wit Mars n' Pallas Minerva at dey head- bof o' dem wrought up in gold n' clad up in golden raiment, great n' fair wit dey armour as befittin gods, while dey dat followed wuz smalla n' sheeit. When dey reached tha place where dey would lay dey ambush, it wuz on uh riverbed ta which live stock o' all kindz would come from far an' near ta water; here, then, dey lay concealed, clad up in full armour. Shiiit, dis aint nahh joke. Some way off dem dere wuz two scouts whoz wuz on tha peep-out fo' tha comin o' sheep or cattle, which presently came, followed by two shepherdz who wuz playin on dey pipes, n' had not so much as uh thought o' dark shiznit n' sheeit. When dem playas whoz wuz up in ambush seen dis here, dey cut off tha flocks n' herdz an' capped tha shepherds. Meanwhile, tha besiegers, when dey heard much noise among tha cattle as dey sat up in council, sprang ta dey horses, an' made wit all speed towardz dem; when dey reached dem dey set battle in array by tha bankz o' tha river, n' tha hosts aimed dey bronze-shod spears at one another n' sheeit. Wif dem wuz Strife n' Riot, n' fell tha fuq Fate whoz wuz draggin three pimps afta her, one wit uh gangbangin' fresh wound, n' tha other unwounded, while tha third wuz dead, n' dat biiiiatch wuz draggin his along by his heel: n' her robe wuz bedrabbled up in menz blood. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! ah be fly as uh gangbangin' falcon, soarin all up in tha sky dawwwwg! dey go up in n' out wit one another n' fought as though dey wuz livin playas halin away one anotherz dead as in fried chickn n` corn bread.


 wrought also uh gangbangin' fair fallow field, big- n' thrice ploughed 

already. Many pimps wuz hustlin all up in tha plough within it, turnin dey oxen ta n' fro, furrow afta furrow. Each tyme dat dey turned on reachin da headland uh playa would come up ta dem n' give dem uh cold- lil cup o' colt 45, n' dey would go back ta dey furrows lookin forward ta tha tyme when dey should ag'in n' ag'in n' ag'in reach tha headland. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Da part dat dey had ploughed wuz dark behind dem, so dat tha field, though dat shiznit waz o' gold, still looked as if it wuz bein ploughed- straight-up curious ta behold.


 wrought also uh gangbangin' field o' harvest corn, n' tha reapers wuz reapin 

wif sharp sicklez up in dey hands. Right back up in yo mutha in . Swathe afta swathe fell tha fuq ta tha ground in uh straight line behind dem, n' tha bindaz bound dem up in bandz o' twisted straw. dere wuz three binders, n' behind dem dere wuz thugs who gathered tha cut corn up in armfuls n' kept on brangin dem ta be bound: among dem all tha balla o' tha land stood by up in silence n' wuz glad. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Da servants wuz gettin uh meal locked n loaded under uh oak, fo' dey had sacrificed uh pimped out ox, n' wuz busy cuttin his up, while tha dem hoes wuz bustin uh porridge o' much whitey barley fo' tha labourers' dinner.


 wrought also uh vineyard, golden n' fair ta see, n' tha vines 

wuz loaded wit grapes. Da bunches overhead wuz black yo, but tha vines wuz trained on polez o' silver n' shiznit yo. ran uh gangbangin' finger-lickin' ditch o' dark metal all round it, n' fenced it wit uh gangbangin' fence o' tin; dere wuz only one paf ta it, n' by dis tha vintagers go when dey would gather tha vintage. Youths n' maidens all blithe n' full o' glee, carried tha luscious fruit up in plaited baskets; n' wit dem dere go uh funky- pimp whoz made dope noize wit his in lyre, an' busted tha Linus-cold lil' woo wop wit his clear boyish voice.


 wrought also uh herd o' homed cattle yo.   made tha cowz o' gold 

an' tin, n' dey lowed as dey came full speed outta tha yardz ta go an' feed among tha wavin reedz dat grow by tha bankz o' tha river n' shiznit fo' realz. Along wif tha cattle dere go four shepherds, all o' dem up in gold, n' dey nine fleet dawgs go wit dem wild- mutha as. Two ty lions had fastened on uh funky- bellowin bull dat wuz wit tha foremost cows, n' bellow as he might dey haled him, while tha dawgs n' pimps gave chase: tha lions tore all up in tha bullz thick hide n' wuz gorgin on his blood n' bowels yo, but tha herdsmen wuz afraid ta do anythin`, n' only hounded on dey dawgs; tha dawgs dared not fasten on tha lions but stood by barkin n' keepin outta harmz way.


Da god wrought also uh pasture up in uh gangbangin' fair mountain dell, n' big- flock o' sheep, wit uh cribstead n' huts, n' sheltered sheepfolds.


Furthermore, da thug wrought uh green, like dat which Daedalus once made in Cnossus fo' ghettofab Ariadne yo. Hereon dere danced youths n' maidens whom all would woo, wit dey handz on one anotherz wrists, n' you can put dat on yo' toast. Da maidens wore robez o' light linen, n' tha youths well woven shirts dat wuz slightly oiled. Y'all KNOW dat sheeit, mutha a! Da hoes wuz crowned wit garlands, while tha lil' pimps had daggers o' gold dat hung by silver baldrics; sometimes dey would dizzle deftly in uh rang wit merry twinklin feet, as it wuz uh potta chillin at his werk n' makin trial o' his wheel ta peep whether it will run, n' sometimes dey would go all up in line wit one another, n' much playas wuz gathered joyously bout tha green. ah aint jivin bout chickn n` corn bread n' gravy biatch. dere wuz uh funky- bard also ta rap ta dem n' play his lyre, while two tumblaz go bout struttin up in tha midst o' dem when tha playa struck up wit his cold- tune.


All round tha outermost rim o' tha shield da perved-out mutha a set tha mighty stream o' tha river Oceanus.


Then when dat schmoooove mutha a had fashioned tha shield so pimped out n' strong, he made uh breastplate also dat shone brighta than fire yo. made helmet, close fittin ta tha brow, n' richly worked, wit uh golden plume overhangin it; n' he made greaves also o' beaten tin.


Lastly, when tha famed ty god had made all tha armour, tha pimpin' mutha a took it n' set it 'bfoe tha mutha o' Achilles; whereon her dope darted like uh falcon from tha snowy summitz o' Olympus n' bore away tha gleamin armour from tha doggy den o' Vulcan.

Da End?, biatch? Or iz it?? , wOrd!

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